Nine Months

Nine months ago today, Jeff died.

I remember right after he died, I thought about if I had gotten pregnant right before he died I would have a baby around this time.  I would have a little piece of Jeff running around, reminding me of him constantly. 

Sometimes I think that Jeff's child would be a tribute to his life, as that child matured, his/her life would be like Jeff still living.  But then I'm reminded of all of the other tributes to Jeff.  A child is not the only way Jeff lives on. 

There have been so many tributes to Jeff since he died.  There have been golf tournaments, softball tournaments, and bocce ball tournaments dedicated to him.  There are multiple fantasy football tournaments dedicated to him.  There is a Facebook page someone created in memory of him.  All of these tributes constantly remind me of how special he really was and the impact he made on so many different people.

So even though Jeff never had a child, so many other tributes live on.  He will always be remembered and loved, which will ensure that he always lives on.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  My first birthday without Jeff.

I woke up this morning feeling ok, but now I'm feeling pretty sad.  I had a nice good cry already.

As I'm trying to figure out what is making me sad, I just keep trying to remind myself that all the reasons for being sad are pretty selfish and irrational.  I have been so fortunate with all those close to me rallying around to make my birthday a happy one.

Yesterday, my sister and girlfriends threw me a high tea for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things.  I had a high tea for my bridal shower.  Last year, we went to high tea for my birthday at this awesome English tea house.  My friends and sister worked very hard to throw me one at my sister's house yesterday.  My sister went all out and had four different kinds of teas and made all of the food herself.  I felt very special.  Yesterday was a good day.

But today, I just can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I got a bunch of chores done around the house today so I wouldn't have to do them on my actual birthday tomorrow, but as I was doing them I was having a pity party.  If Jeff was still here, I would be sharing these chores or not even doing them at all because it's my birthday weekend.  We would have gone out to a nice dinner and I would have gotten some very thoughtful gift.  He always did such a good job on my birthday.

Tomorrow, I have already scheduled my day.  I will go to a Pilates class in the morning, then treat myself to a movie, then I have plans to go out to dinner with some girlfriends.  Actually, this entire week I have plans with someone to either go out to dinner or lunch for my birthday.  I am definitely loved.

My family and friends are so awesome, which is why I feel guilty for being sad.  I know I have a right to be sad and miss Jeff on my birthday but I also need to remember to not focus on the negative and focus on the positive and remember all the love I do have in my life, even though the love of my life is gone.

So I've already cried today.  I'm about to leave for a dinner party and I'm hoping that will distract and cheer me up.  I will try very hard to have a good day tomorrow and be happy the rest of the week. 

But since it's my birthday, I feel like I have the right to cry if I want to and then do everything I can to remember that I have one big thing to cry about, but so many other things to smile and laugh about.

Great Words of Advice

I came across a note in my phone from months ago that had some great words of advice from an article I must have read somewhere.  In my widow brain, I didn't get the citation information so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due but these words of advice must have been helpful to me right after Jeff died and they are still helpful to me now:

"Stay in the present moment.  Don't look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know.  Don't give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships and patterns that might need to be discarded."

My birthday is coming up in a week.  I'll be a 35 year old widow.  I had 24 birthdays before Jeff and I had 10 birthdays with him.  I never thought that I would spend a birthday without him but cancer really ruined that.  So this will be my first birthday without him, with many more birthdays without him to come. 

I'm going to try and remember this quote to get me through, not only this birthday, but the many more that will follow.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

There is only one way forward for either of us. Stay in the present moment. Don’t look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know. Don’t give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships, and patterns that might need to be discarded. - See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-divorce-whats-worst-happen-gmp/#sthash.GXWIcn5O.dpufSt

Weddings and Funerals

Jeff and I were together for ten years but he died just two and a half years after we were married. 

We didn't do a whole funeral thing, mainly because Jeff would have hated that, I was against having a viewing and because he was cremated his remains would not have been ready in time to do the interment.  We decided to do a celebration of life in my parents backyard.

But I distinctly remember the feeling I had before the celebration of life officially started.  People started arriving and I had a panic attack and had to go sit in the back bedroom and hide.  When the speaking finally started I was walked to my seat. 

I found it so familiar to our wedding.

Neither Jeff nor I wanted a big wedding, we just weren't those kind of people but it was so important to our families so we had a compromise, we had a small, destination wedding that his mom planned.  I literally had no hand in practically the entire wedding planning.  The only thing I chose was my wedding dress.  Everything else was chosen and paid for by Jeff's parents and my parents.  But I still had him to rely on and to commiserate with because even though we weren't really planning the wedding, we knew there were certain things we didn't want to do, so we fought to keep it as simple as possible. 

For his celebration of life, his parents and I planned it together.  For the most part we were all on the same page but there were a few things that I fought for.  Of course I wanted it to be simple because that's what Jeff would have wanted.  We told all the men to either wear a sports team jersey, especially a Charger's jersey or his softball team's jersey.

But this time, I didn't have him to commiserate with, I didn't have him to be nervous with.  The feeling before the wedding was worth it because we would be together after.  The feeling before his celebration of life was terrible because at the end, I still wouldn't have him after.  Waiting for his celebration of life to start was so similar, yet I knew it was so different than our wedding just two years before, specifically waiting in a room while everybody was waiting for me to walk down an aisle. 

But walking down the aisle for our wedding, I didn't worry about everybody looking at me because he was waiting at the end for me.  I knew that he was just as nervous as I was with all of the attention on us. 

Walking down the aisle to take my seat at his celebration of life, he wasn't there waiting for me at the end.  We wouldn't walk back up the aisle hand in hand, knowing it was all over and the pressure was off and we had each other to lean on.

It's devastating remembering like it was just yesterday how happy we were on our wedding day when it was finally all over, all of the nervousness and annoying things we had to do just to be married ended up being worth it in the end, because we had each other. 

Yet when the celebration of life was all over, I didn't have him.  I was all alone, so all the stress, nervousness and annoying things I had to do to celebrate his time here on Earth was just over, with no happy ending.  No Jeff at the end to commiserate with, to lean on, to love.

Weddings and funerals, I never thought I would think they had anything in common until cancer took my husband.  Another reason why I hate cancer for making me a widow.