What a Difference a Year Makes

Why Would You EVER Mention Your Spouse's Name on a Date?

Oh c'mon.

Don't you know better?

That guy (or girl) doesn't want to hear about it.  All of your past experiences?  Your life?  

He doesn't want to hear about how your husband stood by you while you studied and worked for a degree.  She doesn't want to hear about that moment when your children were born.

He could care less about the moment you met.

She doesn't like it when you mention your wife.  At all.

Why would you ever consider sharing your life with 

someone who doesn't care about...your life?

This Widow Chick post resonated with me specifically because one of my friends and I got into a heated discussion about her disapproval of me dating Wyoming.

She literally asked me why I share information about Jeff's life and my life with Jeff with him.  How could I even think about telling him about such private information?  The look on her face was shocking to me as she was wholeheartedly repulsed at the idea of being so open and vulnerable about my life and Jeff with this man that I'm trying to spend my life with.  It was like she thought it was a betrayal or something.

Obviously I responded by saying that I was trying to start a relationship with him, why wouldn't I want him to know about Jeff and my life with Jeff?!

I also have to reflect right now about what a difference a year makes. I spent my birthday this year with Wyoming, traveling around Wyoming and South Dakota, checking out things I've never seen before like Devils Tower, Crazy Horse, and Mt. Rushmore.  We stayed at some awesome hotels, Victorian Inns, and little cottages. He took me to some fantastic restaurants. I smiled this year on my birthday instead of crying.

What a difference a year makes.  I feel like I've grown so much in a year which allowed me to be in a space in which to be vulnerable and open for love.

Why would I consider sharing my life and my life with Jeff with Wyoming?  What am I thinking?  I'm thinking I have a fearless heart.

Signs or Just Coincidence?

I just recently finished reading a novel called The Hypnotist's Love Story by Liane Moriarty.  This is just one of the many novels my sister gave me months ago and I just got around to reading it.

In the last few months I have finally started reading for pleasure again.  For a long time, all I was reading was grief literature in all kinds of different forms.  I gave a "snippet" of just some of the grief literature I have read in a previous blog.

The Hypnotist's Love Story is not a novel about grief per se, but it does have a widower in the story as one of the major characters.  This particular passage caught my eye:

"Colleen told me I'd fall in love again, and have more babies, and I said I wouldn't.  I said I'd never be happy again.  But I am.  Sometimes I think, actually, this is better than it ever was with Colleen.  It's deeper, it's more grown-up.  It's just...better.  Then I thank God and the Internet that I met you!  And then I feel bad for Colleen, because it's like I'm thinking, thank God she died...Don't you ever have thoughts that totally contradict each other?  Isn't it possible to feel one thing one day and the opposite the next?  And the stupid thing is, when I have those thoughts, I feel like I should make up for it to Colleen by remembering all the good times I had with her.  As penance.  So the better it is with you, the more I think about her."

It's either been a very large coincidence or there are actually signs that I have been watching and reading all of these things recently (Widow Chick, Young Widowed and Rebuilding, Real Housewives of New York, The Hypnotist's Love Story) that are helping guide my feelings regarding my guilt of moving forward with my life, particularly with Wyoming.  My guilt monster is fighting very hard to win but these "signs" keep emerging.

I really do feel that it is Jeff telling me it is ok to move forward and be truly happy again.

Widow Chick Does it Again!

Holy poop, Widow Chick is literally reading my mind!

I've been trying to deal with all that has been going on with my friends and my decisions about trying to move forward and she (again!) hit it out of the park with this last post of hers.

Since she says it so much better than me, I'm just going to let her speak and nod my head enthusiastically and shout "YES!" and "EXACTLY!"

Another Real Housewives of New York Post

I find so much comfort in hearing other widows' experiences and how they are dealing with widowhood, how it has affected their lives, how they handle guilt, how it has changed them, and how they have ultimately moved forward or even stayed stagnant.  It reminds me that I'm not alone in my grief.

I watched "The Real Housewives of New York" reunion and Carole and Dorinda talked candidly about their experiences as widows again.

Dorinda spoke about how her and Richard had a talk before he died that she shouldn't do the whole "Queen Victoria" thing where she walks around in black because he told her that she likes people and she likes love and she likes companionship and she did fulfill her vows till death did them part and she did them correctly.

Then Carole shares that she envies Dorinda that conversation because denial doesn't outlast death but with Anthony it really did, so they never got to have that conversation about moving on.  He wasn't accepting that he was going to die and he was fighting until the very, very end, so there was no conversation about moving on.

Jeff, like Anthony, fought and denied until the very end.  We thought he was going to get out of that bed and keep fighting when he first got home from the hospital.  And we kept thinking that until there literally was no more conversation, until he slipped into a coma and couldn't speak anymore.  Then it was too late to have the conversation.  

I have a lot of guilt about moving forward because we didn't have that conversation.

People say that he wouldn't want me to be alone.  Leaving me alone was the only thing he was upset about, the only thing that he actually expressed to me regarding him dying, he said that he just didn't want to leave me alone.

Because I never got to hear him say that it was ok to move forward with another person, I worry a lot about whether or not he really would want me to move forward and love again the way I loved him, or if he just didn't want to leave me alone.

My guilt monster is an evil beast.  I wonder if I was able to have that conversation with Jeff, like Dorinda had with Richard about moving forward after he died, would I even have a guilt monster?  

Kathie Lee Gifford

With what I'm going through with my friends, Widow Chick hits the nail on the head! 

Friends: What Are They Good For? Absolutely Everything!

Friends: What Are They Good For?  Absolutely Everything!  Even when they are fighting with you.  Even when they are trying to protect you.  Even when that "protection" is making you miserable and it's hurting you.  They call it caring, loving, protecting, and in all that, supposedly supporting.  It does not feel like love, protection, or support.  It feels like the complete opposite.  It feels like I'm being attacked.

I know I couldn't have survived these last couple years without Jeff if it wasn't for my friends (my blog URL has "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it!) but boy are we having a rough time right now.  I need to clarify, that it's not ALL of my friends but just a handful of very close friends.

They are afraid for me.  They think Wyoming has too much "baggage," is manipulating me, and that I got into a relationship with him too fast.

I do know that they love me and what they are doing is out of love but enough is enough.  They may disagree with my decision to get into another relationship, a relationship that is not only long distance but one with a man who has, what they consider "baggage," but this is still my decision and, ultimately, my life.

Living a full life is messy.  Sometimes mistakes are made.  Sometimes people lose loved ones.  Sometimes people are young and dumb or even old and dumb.  Baggage in life is inescapable.  I know that I have a ton of baggage, I'm a widow!  There are all kinds of different types of baggage out there.  And each person's definition and perspective of baggage is different.  Baggage hopefully never drags you down but adds to your life.  It makes things more colorful and also gives you resources to draw from in times of need.  Baggage is only negative when a person allows it to be negative.

But, here's the thing, it's not just about baggage.  I also know what it's like to be loved and to be in a relationship with someone.  I honestly feel safe and secure in my relationship with Wyoming until my friends get involved and make me second guess everything, which is not fair to me or him.  I do not feel like I rushed into anything.  I know what it feels like to truly, madly, deeply love another person.  I also know how to try my very hardest to love with an open heart.

I feel attacked because I feel like they don't have any faith in me.  They say it has more to do with lack of faith in him, but they don't even know him, so the way I see it, it is a lack of faith in me.  I feel like they do not have faith in me to make my own decisions. 

I'm getting a taste of my own medicine though because I know in the past I definitely didn't support them with their decisions in life...especially when I thought I had all the answers and thought my way was the only right way.

I have been officially knocked off my high horse by widowhood.

I guess my whole point is that we all have to walk our own path in life.  Sometimes we gather baggage along the way.  Sometimes that baggage changes us.  It could change us for the better or it could change us for the worse, but that is our path to walk and our baggage to carry.  Sometimes our path and our baggage may cause us to stumble and fall and we need people we trust to help us back up, hand our baggage back to us or even help us to discard it if it's weighing us down, but we still have to make our own decisions and walk that path on our own. 

My path is different than theirs, their path is different than mine.  I just need to feel supported and that they will be there for me when I stumble and fall, even if they disagree with the path I have chosen.

I love my friends.  I need them in my life.  But I also need them to let me walk my own path, baggage and all.