It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  My first birthday without Jeff.

I woke up this morning feeling ok, but now I'm feeling pretty sad.  I had a nice good cry already.

As I'm trying to figure out what is making me sad, I just keep trying to remind myself that all the reasons for being sad are pretty selfish and irrational.  I have been so fortunate with all those close to me rallying around to make my birthday a happy one.

Yesterday, my sister and girlfriends threw me a high tea for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things.  I had a high tea for my bridal shower.  Last year, we went to high tea for my birthday at this awesome English tea house.  My friends and sister worked very hard to throw me one at my sister's house yesterday.  My sister went all out and had four different kinds of teas and made all of the food herself.  I felt very special.  Yesterday was a good day.

But today, I just can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I got a bunch of chores done around the house today so I wouldn't have to do them on my actual birthday tomorrow, but as I was doing them I was having a pity party.  If Jeff was still here, I would be sharing these chores or not even doing them at all because it's my birthday weekend.  We would have gone out to a nice dinner and I would have gotten some very thoughtful gift.  He always did such a good job on my birthday.

Tomorrow, I have already scheduled my day.  I will go to a Pilates class in the morning, then treat myself to a movie, then I have plans to go out to dinner with some girlfriends.  Actually, this entire week I have plans with someone to either go out to dinner or lunch for my birthday.  I am definitely loved.

My family and friends are so awesome, which is why I feel guilty for being sad.  I know I have a right to be sad and miss Jeff on my birthday but I also need to remember to not focus on the negative and focus on the positive and remember all the love I do have in my life, even though the love of my life is gone.

So I've already cried today.  I'm about to leave for a dinner party and I'm hoping that will distract and cheer me up.  I will try very hard to have a good day tomorrow and be happy the rest of the week. 

But since it's my birthday, I feel like I have the right to cry if I want to and then do everything I can to remember that I have one big thing to cry about, but so many other things to smile and laugh about.

Great Words of Advice

I came across a note in my phone from months ago that had some great words of advice from an article I must have read somewhere.  In my widow brain, I didn't get the citation information so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due but these words of advice must have been helpful to me right after Jeff died and they are still helpful to me now:

"Stay in the present moment.  Don't look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know.  Don't give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships and patterns that might need to be discarded."

My birthday is coming up in a week.  I'll be a 35 year old widow.  I had 24 birthdays before Jeff and I had 10 birthdays with him.  I never thought that I would spend a birthday without him but cancer really ruined that.  So this will be my first birthday without him, with many more birthdays without him to come. 

I'm going to try and remember this quote to get me through, not only this birthday, but the many more that will follow.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

There is only one way forward for either of us. Stay in the present moment. Don’t look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know. Don’t give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships, and patterns that might need to be discarded. - See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-divorce-whats-worst-happen-gmp/#sthash.GXWIcn5O.dpufSt

Weddings and Funerals

Jeff and I were together for ten years but he died just two and a half years after we were married. 

We didn't do a whole funeral thing, mainly because Jeff would have hated that, I was against having a viewing and because he was cremated his remains would not have been ready in time to do the interment.  We decided to do a celebration of life in my parents backyard.

But I distinctly remember the feeling I had before the celebration of life officially started.  People started arriving and I had a panic attack and had to go sit in the back bedroom and hide.  When the speaking finally started I was walked to my seat. 

I found it so familiar to our wedding.

Neither Jeff nor I wanted a big wedding, we just weren't those kind of people but it was so important to our families so we had a compromise, we had a small, destination wedding that his mom planned.  I literally had no hand in practically the entire wedding planning.  The only thing I chose was my wedding dress.  Everything else was chosen and paid for by Jeff's parents and my parents.  But I still had him to rely on and to commiserate with because even though we weren't really planning the wedding, we knew there were certain things we didn't want to do, so we fought to keep it as simple as possible. 

For his celebration of life, his parents and I planned it together.  For the most part we were all on the same page but there were a few things that I fought for.  Of course I wanted it to be simple because that's what Jeff would have wanted.  We told all the men to either wear a sports team jersey, especially a Charger's jersey or his softball team's jersey.

But this time, I didn't have him to commiserate with, I didn't have him to be nervous with.  The feeling before the wedding was worth it because we would be together after.  The feeling before his celebration of life was terrible because at the end, I still wouldn't have him after.  Waiting for his celebration of life to start was so similar, yet I knew it was so different than our wedding just two years before, specifically waiting in a room while everybody was waiting for me to walk down an aisle. 

But walking down the aisle for our wedding, I didn't worry about everybody looking at me because he was waiting at the end for me.  I knew that he was just as nervous as I was with all of the attention on us. 

Walking down the aisle to take my seat at his celebration of life, he wasn't there waiting for me at the end.  We wouldn't walk back up the aisle hand in hand, knowing it was all over and the pressure was off and we had each other to lean on.

It's devastating remembering like it was just yesterday how happy we were on our wedding day when it was finally all over, all of the nervousness and annoying things we had to do just to be married ended up being worth it in the end, because we had each other. 

Yet when the celebration of life was all over, I didn't have him.  I was all alone, so all the stress, nervousness and annoying things I had to do to celebrate his time here on Earth was just over, with no happy ending.  No Jeff at the end to commiserate with, to lean on, to love.

Weddings and funerals, I never thought I would think they had anything in common until cancer took my husband.  Another reason why I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Eight Months

Today marks eight months since Jeff has been gone.

It is also the month when all the fantasy football drafts are taking place.  Jeff was a huge fantasy football guy. I think he was in 5 or 6 leagues.  He was the commissioner for one and a co-commissioner for two on top of playing in 2 or 3 other leagues.  I have no idea how he kept them all straight.

His dad and brother have taken his spot in most of the leagues but the one he commissioned doesn't exist anymore.

Fantasy football took up so much of Jeff's time.  I never thought I would miss him playing but I do. 

I miss him sitting down with a fantasy football magazine taking copious notes on all of the players for his many drafts.  I miss watching him check his score over and over again on his phone, the computer, or the iPad and sometimes even all three!  I miss watching him get excited during the games when one of his players scored points that he really needed to win.  I really miss watching him be torn between rooting for our hometown team and rooting for a wide receiver, quarterback, running back, or even the kicker for the other team because he needed the points to win.  I miss everything about him and fantasy football because I know how much he loved it.

Last year we were in a family league together.  It was the only time I have ever been in a fantasy football league and I actually beat him in our match up even when he refused to help me.  I know he didn't enjoy losing but deep down I know he was proud of me and he enjoyed seeing me get excited about something he loved so much.

I made it to the finals against his brother but ended up losing.  He was still proud of me.  He said he thought I had improved a lot and was impressed with how I dropped and picked up players without his help.  He said I made some great moves. 

The family league is playing again, this year with one less family member, and I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm playing something that I used to find annoying but because of him, I kind of like now.  I hope he'll be proud of my moves again this year.

Jeff was so loud, especially during football season, and at times that used to drive me nuts.  The house will be very quiet this football season.  I already miss his noise and it's only pre-season.

Eight months without him, a lifetime to go.

New Job

I blogged earlier about how stressful it was to start this new school year without Jeff.  So stressful that I needed to get away to Palm Springs for a weekend.

I got my first teaching job just a few months after Jeff and I started dating and he was the one who helped me move into my classroom and was with me when I developed all of my curriculum, worked my butt off to be the best teacher to my students, and met and developed working and professional relationships with my colleagues.  I have made some of my best friends at this school but I have also had some pretty large disagreements with some other people.  Jeff was always there to listen and give advice.  It has just been so hard without him.

Now I know that everyone and everything says not to make any big changes if you can help it the first year or so after a loss, such as moving, changing or quitting jobs, etc.  But I've been thinking about this change for years.  About a year before Jeff and I got married, then about a year after we were married and it came up again when he got sick.  When I think about the reasons for staying at my current school, there are very few and the few reasons I listed were colleagues that I will miss.  But I know I will still keep in touch with them so when it really comes down to reasons for staying, there are none.  There are so many reasons to leave that far outweigh the reasons to stay.

I've been wanting to drop down to a middle school for a long time.  Middle school teachers have the same pay, but less stress and pressure than high school teachers.  I have been teaching a college level English class at the high school for the past eight years and there has always been so much pressure for the students to pass the test at the end of the year in order for them to get college credit.  The amount of extra work has always been enormous.  There is no extra monetary payment for taking on this responsibility, but I did take great joy in their learning and the high level of discussions we engaged in and for a while that was payment enough.  But after a while, all the grading and stress begins to outweigh the joy and it's just not worth it anymore. 

I want to love my job, not just like it.  I don't love my job anymore and haven't for a few years.

I also want to have a life outside of my job and I felt I did with Jeff in my life, but now that he's gone, my job takes up too much of my time and I am too tired and too busy to have much of a social life.

Last week a position at a coveted middle school less than 5 miles from my house became available and I jumped on it, even though we are 5 weeks into the new semester.  I interviewed against 3 other highly qualified English teachers and ended up getting the position. 

I found out Friday that my first day will be the following Monday, so this weekend I am moving out of the classroom I've been in for 10 years and into a brand new classroom while creating all new curriculum.  I'm excited and overwhelmed at the same time.  I think this is what I needed to fall in love with teaching again.

I know that this is the best decision for me.  It was not spur of the moment, it was something I have wanted for years but was just never available until recently.  I feel like Jeff would tell me to jump on the chance if he was still here.  There has been no anxiety about whether or not I am making the right decision.  I know this is the right decision for me. 

I am looking forward to the new challenge and fresh start and am hoping that this will help me move forward in this "new normal" that I am creating for myself.

I Know the Feeling

I really truly love my bereavement group.  We meet on the first and third Wednesday of every month from 1:00-2:30 P.M.  Since I am still working, I was only attending once a month for the first four months and the fifth month I couldn't make it, because I just couldn't take the time off of work.  That month turned out to be my hardest month so far.  I then recommitted and have since made it a point to go twice a month. 

I felt a profound sense of missing my group when I couldn't make it and they missed me too, which of course felt wonderful to know that I added something to the group.  Our group is mainly made up of about 6 or so "regulars" who have all been attending for quite some time, some even for three or more years.  I am the newest and youngest "regular."  We all have each other's phone numbers.  It is true friendship and support.

My last bereavement group meeting, someone new came.  We all knew he was new of course but we could also tell that the loss was new.  He had that shell shocked, intense look and had a hard time keeping it all in.  I couldn't wait for him to speak.  When he did start telling his story, my heart went out to him.  His wife died three weeks ago.  The emotions he was describing brought me right back to where I was when Jeff first died.  I attended my first bereavement group meeting about three weeks after Jeff died. 

I cried so hard with him remembering the intensity of the void and pain and knowing that his journey will continue to be the hardest and most painful thing for a long time.  I had never really cried like that so far in my bereavement group.  But I just had so much empathy for him and my own memories and emotions came flooding back.

I hope he keeps coming to the meetings.  He talked about his profession, he is a retired homicide detective and he said how used to death he was, but he said this is different, this death is personal.  I think he was able to detach himself from death because of his profession, he saw such horrible things.  He said he was around so much death, from infants to the elderly, but nothing prepared him for his wife's death and the emotions that ensued.

The majority of the people are so much older than me, about 30 years or so.  They are all retired.  I think some people don't understand why I keep attending when it doesn't seem I have much in common with these people. But when I missed that month because of work obligations, I really missed it.  I really missed the people, I really missed the support, the understanding, the empathy.  They might be older, they might have had more time with their loved ones, their spouses, but we all feel the same pain and are going through similar emotions.  We all know the feeling.  We help guide each through the stages.  We help each other navigate the bumpy road.  We give each other advice sometimes, but the majority of the time, we are just there to listen and support.  It's a safe place to no longer have to be strong.  It's a safe place to get understanding.  It's just safe and safety brings comfort, which so many of us are lacking now that our loved ones are gone.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself during the grieving process.  Sometimes life and the trivialities of it get in the way, but I try to always come back to what is best for my soul and well being.  Right now, I need to do the work of grieving, whether that is going to my bereavement group, going to therapy, reading widow blogs, reading grief literature, taking a time out and getting away from it all, taking the time to exercise, or any other opportunity I have to take what I need. 

Everybody grieves differently.  But just know that others know the feeling and want to help if help is needed, want to be there to listen if you want to talk, we are different because we don't try and fix anything or give advice or platitudes, because we know that those are usually empty words to the griever, because we know the feeling. 

Palm Springs

I started my teaching career just a few months after I started dating Jeff 10 years ago.  There has been a lot of emotions I wasn't expecting starting this new school year in the same school, in the same classroom, with the same people, and teaching the same curriculum I developed while I was with Jeff.  All of these memories and the excitement of beginning the new year and remembering the excitement of beginning my relationship with him came flooding back and it has been so stressful, exhausting, and painful without him.  It's just another huge reminder that he's gone and never coming back.  I felt like my skin was crawling I was so highly charged and emotional.  I felt sad, irritated, anxious, and very jumpy. 

I expressed these feelings to a friend of mine and she offered to let me stay at her friend's condo in Palm Springs.  I literally jumped at the chance I needed to get away so bad so three of my girlfriends and I decided to make a weekend of it.  It was a short stay, only two nights, but it was just long enough to recharge.  I was able to lay by a pool all day and just relax and read and nap and think. 

I didn't realize how great it was for my soul until I took the time to get away to "trauma island."  Well we can't all take that much time and spend that much money so this time I just took a couple of days to a warm destination that was only a quick 2-3 hour drive away.  Just getting away from the daily grind of work, emails, chores, responsibilities, and especially the feelings I was experiencing starting the new school year, as well as all the other day to day things that can drag us down really can lift the soul and help the healing process.  I know that I cannot escape my problems or feelings forever, but escaping for just a little while to recharge helps tremendously in dealing with those same problems and feelings when I return.  I am able to have a clearer mind and more patience with myself and others.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for widow's to take time for themselves.  I have heard this advice over and over again in my bereavement group, in my grief literature, and in my individual therapy as well as from all kinds of family and friends.  I am so very fortunate to have friends who can get away with me on a moments notice and understand how much I need them and their support.  Girlfriends really are the new husbands.

I'm glad I recognized what I needed and took the opportunity to get away and I'm even more glad that I have friends who support me and help me when I need them the most.  I just need to remember to do it as often as my soul needs, which we all know is the hardest part.  Sometimes, we take care of everyone else besides ourselves, but we have to remember to take care of ourselves first.