Grandma Died

My grandma recently died.  She was 93 years old.  She had five children, eleven grandchildren and seven great grandchildren.  She held on for four years after becoming bedridden.  She slept nearly 22 hours a day near the end.  Everyone agreed she had a full life. My grandfather died of lung cancer when I was three and she never remarried.

I remember when Jeff died, I kept thinking that I couldn't believe that Grandma survived Jeff.  For the last four years we kept thinking that it was Grandma's last Christmas.   Even after Jeff was diagnosed, I never thought that he would die before her.  I hope Jeff was there to greet her.

I really wish that I had the opportunity to talk about being a widow with my grandma.  The same cancer took her husband.  Her children were grown and having their own children so I can't imagine how lonely she was.  I was only three when he died, but I would love to be able to go back in time and be a fly on the wall and see how she coped and managed.  Her wisdom would be such a comfort.

While I was getting ready for her service I was trying to decide which shoes to wear.  I always had Jeff to ask which shoes I should wear and then it hit me that I didn't have him to ask anymore and I would never have him to ask his advice on anything again. I also realized that a hug from him would have been such a comfort and I realized that I would never get a hug from him to comfort me again and that REALLY made me sad and all of a sudden I was standing on my bedroom balcony crying.  I just miss him so much.  I miss his comfort and I miss his advice and I just plain miss him.  My mother-in-law was coming over to go with me to my Grandma's service. A few days after my grandma's service she told me she saw Jeff on my bedroom balcony from the street while she was coming to get me.  She said she saw him clearly and even described what he was wearing.  She had no idea that I had been on my balcony crying earlier that morning.  I have no doubt he was with me on that balcony as I was crying and missing him so much.

I try to remember that he is still with me spiritually.  I just really wish he was still with me physically.