Breakdown

I knew it was coming.  I could feel it and I wrote a little about it in my last post.  I guess there's just really nothing I could have done to prevent it.  Grief demands to be addressed.  At least I know what the trigger was that ultimately caused the breakdown.

Jeff bought a condo before we started dating and I moved into his condo a couple years after we started dating.  We lived there until I bought my house and he decided to move in with me.

It's been nine years since I've been back to Jeff's condo.  We have been renting it out using a property manager.  But a few months ago my cousin and her boyfriend moved into it.  I drove into the complex right after they moved in and felt very anxious about it so I never actually went inside.  I've been avoiding going inside for months because I didn't want to deal with the anxiety and emotions surrounding Jeff's condo.  But my cousin and her boyfriend needed help putting a new refrigerator in so Wyoming and I went over to help.

I was very anxious driving into the complex and then going inside the condo.  I took some time to look around and the memories came flooding back.  I remembered where our furniture was.  I remembered what it looked like when I moved in and the changes I made to it after I moved in.  I remembered the good times and the beginning of our love story.  I did pretty well while I was there but once we left I had a bit of a panic attack.  I couldn't catch my breath and I tried to distract myself and tried to prevent a total meltdown, but grief demanded to be addressed.

The floodgates opened and I couldn't stop crying.  I was devastated at the life I lost when Jeff died.  I don't know how to describe the pain and loss I felt, it was so visceral, just like when he first died.  Then I thought about how I just wanted to talk to my mom and remembered that she was also gone.  My memories of Jeff and my memories of my childhood and the times I turned to my mom for comfort intertwined and I was inconsolable.  My grief was overwhelming.

Wyoming did a good job comforting me but I was overcome and cried for a while.  We were supposed to be helping my dad decorate for Christmas right after helping my cousin and her boyfriend with their new refrigerator so I tried to pick myself up and help my dad but I was just so sad.  The next day, I was exhausted.  I call it an emotional hangover.

It's been a few days now and I feel better even though today is the anniversary of Jeff going into the hospital a few days before he died.

I try and remind myself all the time that even though I have experienced so much loss and grief, that I still have a pretty awesome life.  My relationships with my family and friends all seem to be back in a place that is comfortable and close again, I have an awesome job, I'm beginning a new life with Wyoming, and I'm healthy and alive.

The New Year is coming up and Wyoming and I have big plans to go snowmobiling, which I've never done before.  There is so much to look forward to, so I need to focus on the future and all that is good in my life and not focus on the past and what I've lost, even though my loss is tremendous.

I miss Jeff and my mom terribly, but I know they would want me to be happy.