Widow Chick Does it Again!

Holy poop, Widow Chick is literally reading my mind!

I've been trying to deal with all that has been going on with my friends and my decisions about trying to move forward and she (again!) hit it out of the park with this last post of hers.

Since she says it so much better than me, I'm just going to let her speak and nod my head enthusiastically and shout "YES!" and "EXACTLY!"

Another Real Housewives of New York Post

I find so much comfort in hearing other widows' experiences and how they are dealing with widowhood, how it has affected their lives, how they handle guilt, how it has changed them, and how they have ultimately moved forward or even stayed stagnant.  It reminds me that I'm not alone in my grief.

I watched "The Real Housewives of New York" reunion and Carole and Dorinda talked candidly about their experiences as widows again.

Dorinda spoke about how her and Richard had a talk before he died that she shouldn't do the whole "Queen Victoria" thing where she walks around in black because he told her that she likes people and she likes love and she likes companionship and she did fulfill her vows till death did them part and she did them correctly.

Then Carole shares that she envies Dorinda that conversation because denial doesn't outlast death but with Anthony it really did, so they never got to have that conversation about moving on.  He wasn't accepting that he was going to die and he was fighting until the very, very end, so there was no conversation about moving on.

Jeff, like Anthony, fought and denied until the very end.  We thought he was going to get out of that bed and keep fighting when he first got home from the hospital.  And we kept thinking that until there literally was no more conversation, until he slipped into a coma and couldn't speak anymore.  Then it was too late to have the conversation.  

I have a lot of guilt about moving forward because we didn't have that conversation.

People say that he wouldn't want me to be alone.  Leaving me alone was the only thing he was upset about, the only thing that he actually expressed to me regarding him dying, he said that he just didn't want to leave me alone.

Because I never got to hear him say that it was ok to move forward with another person, I worry a lot about whether or not he really would want me to move forward and love again the way I loved him, or if he just didn't want to leave me alone.

My guilt monster is an evil beast.  I wonder if I was able to have that conversation with Jeff, like Dorinda had with Richard about moving forward after he died, would I even have a guilt monster?  

Kathie Lee Gifford

With what I'm going through with my friends, Widow Chick hits the nail on the head! 

Friends: What Are They Good For? Absolutely Everything!

Friends: What Are They Good For?  Absolutely Everything!  Even when they are fighting with you.  Even when they are trying to protect you.  Even when that "protection" is making you miserable and it's hurting you.  They call it caring, loving, protecting, and in all that, supposedly supporting.  It does not feel like love, protection, or support.  It feels like the complete opposite.  It feels like I'm being attacked.

I know I couldn't have survived these last couple years without Jeff if it wasn't for my friends (my blog URL has "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it!) but boy are we having a rough time right now.  I need to clarify, that it's not ALL of my friends but just a handful of very close friends.

They are afraid for me.  They think Wyoming has too much "baggage," is manipulating me, and that I got into a relationship with him too fast.

I do know that they love me and what they are doing is out of love but enough is enough.  They may disagree with my decision to get into another relationship, a relationship that is not only long distance but one with a man who has, what they consider "baggage," but this is still my decision and, ultimately, my life.

Living a full life is messy.  Sometimes mistakes are made.  Sometimes people lose loved ones.  Sometimes people are young and dumb or even old and dumb.  Baggage in life is inescapable.  I know that I have a ton of baggage, I'm a widow!  There are all kinds of different types of baggage out there.  And each person's definition and perspective of baggage is different.  Baggage hopefully never drags you down but adds to your life.  It makes things more colorful and also gives you resources to draw from in times of need.  Baggage is only negative when a person allows it to be negative.

But, here's the thing, it's not just about baggage.  I also know what it's like to be loved and to be in a relationship with someone.  I honestly feel safe and secure in my relationship with Wyoming until my friends get involved and make me second guess everything, which is not fair to me or him.  I do not feel like I rushed into anything.  I know what it feels like to truly, madly, deeply love another person.  I also know how to try my very hardest to love with an open heart.

I feel attacked because I feel like they don't have any faith in me.  They say it has more to do with lack of faith in him, but they don't even know him, so the way I see it, it is a lack of faith in me.  I feel like they do not have faith in me to make my own decisions. 

I'm getting a taste of my own medicine though because I know in the past I definitely didn't support them with their decisions in life...especially when I thought I had all the answers and thought my way was the only right way.

I have been officially knocked off my high horse by widowhood.

I guess my whole point is that we all have to walk our own path in life.  Sometimes we gather baggage along the way.  Sometimes that baggage changes us.  It could change us for the better or it could change us for the worse, but that is our path to walk and our baggage to carry.  Sometimes our path and our baggage may cause us to stumble and fall and we need people we trust to help us back up, hand our baggage back to us or even help us to discard it if it's weighing us down, but we still have to make our own decisions and walk that path on our own. 

My path is different than theirs, their path is different than mine.  I just need to feel supported and that they will be there for me when I stumble and fall, even if they disagree with the path I have chosen.

I love my friends.  I need them in my life.  But I also need them to let me walk my own path, baggage and all.

Intimacy Is the Key to Finding Love

Sometimes I am flabbergasted at the fact that I have so many successful, awesome, yet single girlfriends.  And these women haven't only been single for a few months, but years!

These women are a lot like me: strong, independent, successful, make good money in awesome careers, either own their own homes or live in apartments without the need for a roommate, and they do not have kids.  Why aren't they with the love of their lives?

Something is wrong with this picture. 

I feel guilty sometimes that I was lucky enough to have had Jeff and now I have Wyoming.  Some of my girlfriends have not even had a Jeff and I've now had a Jeff and a Wyoming.  How is that at all fair, Universe?  I want my friends to find love, safety, comfort, and a best friend like I have.

I've been thinking about this a lot.  I know there is no perfect person out there.  I didn't even like Jeff when I first met him.  I thought he was loud, boorish, and not at all very attractive.  But through the 7 years we were in the same social circle, I slowly got to know his personality, heart, and soul and grew to love him unconditionally.

I read this article and it really shed some light on dating and finding real intimacy, which is the key to finding love.  I realized that, unknowingly, I practiced the skills from this article with Jeff when we secretly started dating after 7 years of just being friends.  We kept our dating a secret because we didn't want any outside interference from our friends, which I realize now was the best thing we could have ever done to build trust and intimacy.

I also noticed that I practice these skills with Wyoming as I am getting to know him through email, text messaging, over the phone, through FaceTime, and now in person.  Distance definitely helped with some of these but I honestly believe that we are both in a place in our lives where we want to find an intimate connection, share our vulnerabilities, and find love.  I know for sure distance has helped me with sharing my vulnerabilities enormously.  I have been able to tell him things on the phone that I might not have been able to talk as openly about if we were in person.  But once we finally did meet in person, all the intimacy and trust that was established over the phone, through texting, emailing and FaceTiming was apparent and everything felt natural and normal.

I do have to admit that I am still petrified of being hurt.  I think I am more afraid of him leaving me without any choice on his or my part, just like Jeff.  As I move forward with my relationship with Wyoming, I'm still afraid of that but I'm trying to not let that get in the way of being happy in the present moment.  I'm trying to be like Wendy!  In this blog post she discusses having a fearless heart.

Wyoming has been and continues to be very patient and understanding of my fears but if I hadn't been vulnerable and shared my fears with him, there could easily have been a miscommunication in that my fear could have been misconstrued and he might have thought I just wasn't that in to him.

In having conversations with my friends about their dating life, I have definitely noticed that they are not practicing a lot of the skills from the article, which might make more sense as to why they are still single.  But, I also think a lot of the men they are dating are also not practicing the skills from the article.  I don't think it's just one person's fault.

It's ok to be vulnerable.  I know it's hard after losing the love of your life, you can't imagine going through that kind of pain again, but in holding back, all you're really doing is hurting yourself.  It's a risk to put yourself out there, but if you don't, you may miss out on the next best thing to ever happen to you, which is finding your next partner and best friend to share the rest of your life with.

Let's all try to have a fearless heart.  We only live once.

Friends

It's common knowledge that after the death of someone special, everybody suffers.  We all talk about how much the widow suffers but many others are so very affected as well.

One of my best friends, who was also one of Jeff's best friends, has definitely changed.  Right after Jeff died she was overly protective of me and I appreciated it.  She wasn't afraid to be blunt and tell people what I really needed, which sometimes put her in the line of fire but she stood by me and shielded me. 

But after those first couple months after Jeff died there was a strain in our friendship and I couldn't figure it out for a really long time.  I spent entire sessions with my therapist talking about her.  We had what I call a "come to Jesus meeting," finally where we hashed it out, we spoke our truths and just overall, communicated.

She had been pulling back from me because she was trying to protect me.  She didn't want to talk about her dating life and the good things that were going on because she felt it wouldn't be fair to hurt me like that.  She was trying to protect me from her when what she didn't realize is that she was only hurting me. 

When I finally made it clear to her that hearing about others and their good times and happiness didn't make me sad, but that it was a reminder that everyone has ebbs and flows in their lives.  Hearing about other people and the good things that are happening to them is a distraction for me and that I actually need to hear these good things because it reminds me that my life will one day be good again.  She apologized and said she would try to include me and not be afraid to talk about the good things that were going on in her life, especially her dating life. 

I also reminded her that she tells all of our other close friends about the good and bad in her life and when she leaves me out I feel isolated and alone.  She was horrified at that and didn't even realize that her actions were making me feel that way.

I've heard that the way people respond to someone else in a traumatic situation could potentially be the way they would like others to respond to them if and when they ever go through their own traumatic experience.

Again, communication is so very important.  We as widows and widowers need to communicate our needs and those who support us need to communicate their needs as well.

If you are noticing that relationships are strained, consider communicating what your needs are and gently explain that you are not feeling supported and you are struggling.  I can almost guarantee that your friends and family have no idea that their actions, which I'm sure are trying to protect you in some way, are having the adverse effect.

Communication is the only way to truly feel supported and safe.  

Real Housewives

On the reality show "The Real Housewives of New York" there happens to be two widows.  Carole Radziwell was married to Anthony Radziwell who died in 1999.  Dorinda Medley was married to Richard Medley who died in 2011.

I recently watched an episode where Carole needed to go to London to pick up her husband's ashes.  Dorinda accompanied her to London.

There were a couple of things both women discussed while on this trip that hit really close to home for me.

Dorinda said that taking care of Richard wasn't a burden, it was an honor.

I can't agree more with this statement.  Both Dorinda and Carole talked about how the night after their husbands died was the first night that they actually slept.  Dorinda said that people don't sleep when someone is dying because they never know what could happen, whether that was needing to go to the ER or their husbands potentially dying when they weren't there or any other anxiety ridden scenario that could happen when you know someone is dying.

I related so much to this statement mainly because I remember this level of anxiety and being the person that was responsible to make the big decisions.  But even though I was under all of that stress and anxiety, taking care of Jeff was definitely an honor and I would have done it until the end of time if needed.  He was worth all of that stress and anxiety because he was my best friend and the love of my life.  Taking care of Jeff was never a burden, it was an honor.

Carole said that her husband was a big part of her life.  Maybe not in number of years but in her soul and in her heart.

This is a huge statement for me right now in my grieving process.  I bought my spot next to Jeff at the cemetery at the same time I bought his.  I remember people telling me that it might not be such a good idea, mainly because I had so much life left to live and one day I might meet someone who I may spend more years with than I spent with Jeff.  I understand that is a potential but time does not negate how important Jeff is in my life.  He will always be a big part of my life because he is in my heart and soul and time could never change that.

Both of those statements from Dorinda and Carole remind me that I am not alone in my grief and guilt.  Carole's husband has been gone for about 15 years and Dorinda's for less but, unfortunately, the widow's club is not something you can leave no matter how much time has passed.

Jeff died in 2013 so things are still a little sharp with me.  Like Dorinda, there are still "firsts" that I need to experience that worry me, but like Dorinda and Carole, I will get though it and move forward.

One of the biggest things I took from what these women shared was when Dorinda said that there was a life before Richard, there was a wonderful life with Richard, and there's a beautiful life to be had without Richard.  That is such a brave statement to make and I need to embrace it and live it myself.

I know I had a great life before Jeff.  I also had a great life with Jeff.  I now have to battle my guilt monster and have a great life without Jeff.

I so appreciate these women for being so brave and being such awesome role models for other widows.  Talking about such a personal experience and journey takes a lot of courage and to do it on national television inspires me.