Monday, March 2, 2015

This Widow's Guilt Monster Revealed

Guilt...the word in itself is a terrible, awful monster.  It rises up when you least expect it and it doesn't care where you are, what time it is, or the occasion. When it wants to terrorize you, it doesn't hold back.

I've felt like I've moved a couple of paces forward only to have that monster drag me back.  I've been trying to fight it off the last couple of days but knew I needed an outlet. So, like the masochist I am, I watched "The Fault in our Stars."

I read the book on Trauma Island.  I remember reading it and thinking how right on John Green was with his writing.  He really did his research and knew truly how a person feels being in a relationship with someone who has terminal cancer and the aftermath of their death.

Right after Jeff died, it was unbearable and each day after was worse.  This fear, that the pain I felt then wasn't even the worst of it, was the most frightening thing.  The fear of the potential that you are going to just continue to drown is paralyzing.  But these last few weeks I'm having more good days, I was starting to feel like I would no longer have a worse day than before, that tomorrow might actually be better than the day before.

In the movie, Hazel tells her mom that her biggest fear is that after she dies, her mom will no longer be living, that she will just sit and stare at walls, that she will essentially have no purpose. This is my guilt monster. I feel guilty for striving to find new purpose.  The movie helped me recognize my guilt monster, which is that I am valiantly attempting to move forward. I am able to see my guilt monster clearly now. 

I was lucky to be loved by Jeff and lucky to be allowed to love him. As Hazel says in the movie, some infinities are more infinite than others, I also wish we had a more infinite infinity. That really hit me hard, especially because I have a small infinity on the inside of my left ring finger.

I know Jeff deserves to be loved by someone who doesn't want to live anymore now that he's gone. He deserves to be so loved that I shouldn't want to find purpose in living now that he is gone.  This is my guilt monster and when it does strike, it is enormous, it is painful, it is unbearable.

This widow's guilt monster has been revealed. I'm hoping that one day I will learn to not be so afraid of this monster.  I know that it will never go away, but I'm hoping that one day I will be able to live with this monster and it will not be so monstrous.

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