This Thanksgiving was very different than last year. Last year it was just my parents, my aunt Stephanie and Uncle Jerry, and me for Thanksgiving. This year, my mom is now on hospice and is pretty much bedridden since her MSA has progressed so rapidly, and my Uncle Jerry died. This year, we had almost 20 people. I think the family really wanted to be together.
Usually my mom is running the show for every major holiday, but she is so far progressed that there is very little she can do. Last year, she made it to the dining room and she could still talk well and eat well so she could organize Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, she is extremely difficult to understand and rarely leaves the bedroom. Since my older sister was spending Thanksgiving with her husband's family, it was put on me to organize Thanksgiving.
I told everyone what they needed to bring and I kept the timeline of when everything needed to be heated, carved up, served, and cleaned. I found it strange to be the one in charge.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way but rationally, I know I'm an adult. I'm 37 years old, run and own my own home, and I took care of my dying husband. Taking care of Jeff and dealing with his death definitely made me feel like an adult. But there is something about being in charge of a major holiday for my entire extended family that made me feel even more like an adult. I don't quite know how to explain it. I'm an adult but my parents, aunts, and uncles have always been the real adults.
I wasn't really looking to step into my mom's role as the go-to holiday organizer but since my older sister was not going to be there, it just kind of fell on me. Once we were all in the same room for Thanksgiving, I essentially organized Christmas as well and sent out the reminders to family of where, what time, and what they will be bringing, as well as writing it all down on a piece of paper for my dad to refer to in case people fell back on calling my mom for their food assignments.
I feel like the family needs someone to step up and take on the organizer role now that their eldest brother has died and their eldest sister is on hospice. But I feel like it is a major responsibility and it makes me sad that someone else has to step into the roll unwillingly since people are dying. I feel like I may not be the one who should be doing it, since my mom has three other siblings, and I'm not sure if I'm the most qualified for the position.
My sister expressed a fear that once my mom died the whole family would fall apart. Perhaps stepping into the roll of organizer will ensure that they family doesn't fall apart? I'm just not sure if I'm "adult" enough to be that person...
Monday, November 28, 2016
Thursday, November 10, 2016
The Month for Giving Thanks
It's November, the month of Thanksgiving, and the time to give thanks and be grateful for who and what we have in our lives. Sometimes this is a difficult endeavor for those who are experiencing grief.
I was reading a blog and came across this entry that had random thoughts and stray quotations. Some of these helped me get into the thankful mindset. Here are a few that I especially liked. Hopefully they too can help you get into the mindset of being thankful leading up to Thanksgiving.
I was reading a blog and came across this entry that had random thoughts and stray quotations. Some of these helped me get into the thankful mindset. Here are a few that I especially liked. Hopefully they too can help you get into the mindset of being thankful leading up to Thanksgiving.
- Is the glass half full or half empty? I say it depends upon whether you are looking down on the glass or up at it. If you are looking down, it is half empty, if you are looking up from the bottom, it is half full.
- Nothing needs to change in your life situation or the world in order for you to have peace of mind.
- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
- Always Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!! When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step out into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly. Inch by inch, life's a cinch; yard by yard life is hard. I did not have to let the terms of a disease define me. I could redefine the terms. (Michel J. Fox)
- You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life. (Zig Ziglar)
- Life is all about the moments shared with family and the people you loved that can never be taken away.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Another Vegas Birthday Trip
I just got back from the annual Vegas Birthdays Trip.
I've mentioned before that Jeff and his friends always go to Las Vegas for multiple birthdays among his friends and now my friends. Unfortunately, this year it was hard to correlate everyone so it was only a very small group of people who went.
It was a ton of fun as usual but I also had a bit of a panic attack the last night we were there. We were eating dinner at a table outside and there was a huge Halloween Costume contest happening down the way so there were a lot of people walking around in costumes and we were enjoying the sights. Then, I started feeling a lot of anxiety so I sat with it like my therapist taught me and tried to figure out what was causing it.
I finally realized that it was the 29th and the last time I was in Vegas this close to Halloween and seeing all the costumes was the weekend after Jeff's birthday when he was first diagnosed. I would say that even though I didn't consciously remember those two specific things, my subconscious definitely did. I did some meditative breathing and continued to sit with my anxiety. It continued to ebb and flow and at one point I left the table to try to get away from the overwhelming noise and sights. But, it's Vegas so there really isn't anywhere to go that isn't loud and visually overwhelming. I went back to the table and started texting Wyoming. He reinforced that I was okay, that I needed to try and just breathe and relax. After a while, the anxiety faded and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.
Now being home, I remind myself that I need to be patient and understanding with my grief. It's been almost three years since Jeff died, but there are still certain triggers that bring me back to that awful place of his diagnosis, treatment, and eventual death.
I still feel I have made tremendous progress and know that this little episode does not send me back to the starting point of my grief. I know that I felt that way during my panic attack. I felt like I was spiraling down and all the hard work I've done over these last years was gone. But that's the anxiety, the grief, and the panic talking. I implemented all of the advice from my therapist and didn't distract myself. I sat with that anxiety and tried to figure out where it was coming from and felt exceptionally uncomfortable. But, like my therapist always says, the body cannot remain at that adrenaline-filled state forever. Eventually, the heart rate slows and the shakiness and nauseous dissipate.
I felt a sense of triumph that I was able to overcome it and beat it in a way. Typing this now and reliving it has brought some of that anxiety back. My heart rate has quickened and I feel a little shaky, but, deep down, I know that it will pass. This too shall pass. It always does.
I've mentioned before that Jeff and his friends always go to Las Vegas for multiple birthdays among his friends and now my friends. Unfortunately, this year it was hard to correlate everyone so it was only a very small group of people who went.
It was a ton of fun as usual but I also had a bit of a panic attack the last night we were there. We were eating dinner at a table outside and there was a huge Halloween Costume contest happening down the way so there were a lot of people walking around in costumes and we were enjoying the sights. Then, I started feeling a lot of anxiety so I sat with it like my therapist taught me and tried to figure out what was causing it.
I finally realized that it was the 29th and the last time I was in Vegas this close to Halloween and seeing all the costumes was the weekend after Jeff's birthday when he was first diagnosed. I would say that even though I didn't consciously remember those two specific things, my subconscious definitely did. I did some meditative breathing and continued to sit with my anxiety. It continued to ebb and flow and at one point I left the table to try to get away from the overwhelming noise and sights. But, it's Vegas so there really isn't anywhere to go that isn't loud and visually overwhelming. I went back to the table and started texting Wyoming. He reinforced that I was okay, that I needed to try and just breathe and relax. After a while, the anxiety faded and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.
Now being home, I remind myself that I need to be patient and understanding with my grief. It's been almost three years since Jeff died, but there are still certain triggers that bring me back to that awful place of his diagnosis, treatment, and eventual death.
I still feel I have made tremendous progress and know that this little episode does not send me back to the starting point of my grief. I know that I felt that way during my panic attack. I felt like I was spiraling down and all the hard work I've done over these last years was gone. But that's the anxiety, the grief, and the panic talking. I implemented all of the advice from my therapist and didn't distract myself. I sat with that anxiety and tried to figure out where it was coming from and felt exceptionally uncomfortable. But, like my therapist always says, the body cannot remain at that adrenaline-filled state forever. Eventually, the heart rate slows and the shakiness and nauseous dissipate.
I felt a sense of triumph that I was able to overcome it and beat it in a way. Typing this now and reliving it has brought some of that anxiety back. My heart rate has quickened and I feel a little shaky, but, deep down, I know that it will pass. This too shall pass. It always does.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
A Discount for Repeat Customers?
My aunt asked me to research mortuaries for her since my uncle Jerry passed away last week. I remembered that the mortuary I went to for Jeff was reasonably priced and was very good when I went in (although, there is not much I remember from that day).
I called them and set up an appointment for my aunt for October 25th. When I called to tell her that she had her appointment set up she asked if I would go with her. At first I wanted to refuse. Jeff's birthday is October 24th, which was the day before the appointment and I didn't know how I was going to respond going back to the same place where I had Jeff cremated, especially the day after his birthday. But then I thought about how my in-laws came with me and there was no way I could have done it by myself so I put my big girl panties on and I agreed to go with her.
I recognized the parking lot and the front room and the room we conducted our business, but the rest had been wiped from my memory. None of the feelings I was afraid of came. It was like I had been there before but it wasn't traumatic or scary or sad. It just was. I don't know if I was numb then or if I'm numb now. All I know is that I am grateful that a massive anxiety attack didn't happen. I think Jeff and my uncle Jerry might have had a hand in my sense of peace and calm. It would be terrible to have two widows losing it in a mortuary!
I think it helped tremendously that Wyoming was in town as well. He came with my aunt and I and sat in the front room. Just knowing he was there probably also helped a great deal.
The interesting part was that the nice lady who helped us asked how we chose them and I told her that they had taken care of me when my husband died almost three years ago. She asked our name, I told her, and then she said that she thought my face looked familiar and then offered us a $300 discount for coming back and essentially being repeat customers. Those weren't her exact words, but it was something to that effect.
I kind of had to smile at that because both Jeff and my uncle Jerry know how I like a good discount!
I called them and set up an appointment for my aunt for October 25th. When I called to tell her that she had her appointment set up she asked if I would go with her. At first I wanted to refuse. Jeff's birthday is October 24th, which was the day before the appointment and I didn't know how I was going to respond going back to the same place where I had Jeff cremated, especially the day after his birthday. But then I thought about how my in-laws came with me and there was no way I could have done it by myself so I put my big girl panties on and I agreed to go with her.
I recognized the parking lot and the front room and the room we conducted our business, but the rest had been wiped from my memory. None of the feelings I was afraid of came. It was like I had been there before but it wasn't traumatic or scary or sad. It just was. I don't know if I was numb then or if I'm numb now. All I know is that I am grateful that a massive anxiety attack didn't happen. I think Jeff and my uncle Jerry might have had a hand in my sense of peace and calm. It would be terrible to have two widows losing it in a mortuary!
I think it helped tremendously that Wyoming was in town as well. He came with my aunt and I and sat in the front room. Just knowing he was there probably also helped a great deal.
The interesting part was that the nice lady who helped us asked how we chose them and I told her that they had taken care of me when my husband died almost three years ago. She asked our name, I told her, and then she said that she thought my face looked familiar and then offered us a $300 discount for coming back and essentially being repeat customers. Those weren't her exact words, but it was something to that effect.
I kind of had to smile at that because both Jeff and my uncle Jerry know how I like a good discount!
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Goodbye Uncle Jerry
My Uncle Jerry died last night of complications from a lung transplant.
He was an exceptional man in all that he did. He was best known to me for being a hard ass with his nieces and nephews, but we all knew that he loved us dearly. He had the most amazing evil laugh and absolutely loved to pick on us and then take us out for candy and ice cream after.
For most of my life, he owned a landscaping business and I remember being young and spending the day with Uncle Jerry on his route (looking back now, I realize that he was babysitting us) and his favorite thing to do was lock the doors and pull out his nose hairs and try to wipe them on us while he was driving. He loved hearing us scream and would laugh his evil laugh. We all thought it was pure torture at the time but now I remember it fondly.
I also remember running home from elementary school to try and catch Uncle Jerry at my house landscaping. I would beg him to let me cut the grass, run the vacuum, and the blower. He used to pay me $2, which I thought back then was a fortune. Looking back, I realize that I was doing most of the work and getting very little pay but then I realize that he had to listen to my dad complain constantly that the lines on the lawn were crooked. I now think I should have paid Uncle Jerry!
I especially loved how easy Uncle Jerry made our relationship transition from young niece to young adult. Uncle Jerry didn't treat me like a child, he spoke to me like an adult when I finally became one. He respected my opinions and abilities. But that didn't mean he still didn't pick on me and laugh that evil laugh when I'd squeal or whine.
He will be mostly missed in the community for his life commitment to wrestling. He traveled the world as an official, he started a youth wrestling club, and he coached high school wrestling as well. Wrestling was his life's work and it fulfilled him. We couldn't have a conversation without him dropping some obscure wrestling term, talking about a wrestler that I'd never heard of, and telling stories about wrestling that made very little sense to anyone who wasn't enmeshed in the wrestling world, which I definitely was not. His dedication inspired me to be a better coach when I started coaching in my early 20's. We coached different sports but our style was very similar.
But what has the most impact on me is the fact that there are so many people in our community who know his name. Uncle Jerry coached people who then went on to have children that he also coached. He influenced generations. His commitment and unparalleled generosity will never be matched. He constantly opened his house, his wallet, and most importantly, his heart to so many.
He is going to be greatly missed and I was lucky to have him in my life.
Jerry winning the Head Coaches Award in February 2015
He was an exceptional man in all that he did. He was best known to me for being a hard ass with his nieces and nephews, but we all knew that he loved us dearly. He had the most amazing evil laugh and absolutely loved to pick on us and then take us out for candy and ice cream after.
For most of my life, he owned a landscaping business and I remember being young and spending the day with Uncle Jerry on his route (looking back now, I realize that he was babysitting us) and his favorite thing to do was lock the doors and pull out his nose hairs and try to wipe them on us while he was driving. He loved hearing us scream and would laugh his evil laugh. We all thought it was pure torture at the time but now I remember it fondly.
I also remember running home from elementary school to try and catch Uncle Jerry at my house landscaping. I would beg him to let me cut the grass, run the vacuum, and the blower. He used to pay me $2, which I thought back then was a fortune. Looking back, I realize that I was doing most of the work and getting very little pay but then I realize that he had to listen to my dad complain constantly that the lines on the lawn were crooked. I now think I should have paid Uncle Jerry!
I especially loved how easy Uncle Jerry made our relationship transition from young niece to young adult. Uncle Jerry didn't treat me like a child, he spoke to me like an adult when I finally became one. He respected my opinions and abilities. But that didn't mean he still didn't pick on me and laugh that evil laugh when I'd squeal or whine.
He will be mostly missed in the community for his life commitment to wrestling. He traveled the world as an official, he started a youth wrestling club, and he coached high school wrestling as well. Wrestling was his life's work and it fulfilled him. We couldn't have a conversation without him dropping some obscure wrestling term, talking about a wrestler that I'd never heard of, and telling stories about wrestling that made very little sense to anyone who wasn't enmeshed in the wrestling world, which I definitely was not. His dedication inspired me to be a better coach when I started coaching in my early 20's. We coached different sports but our style was very similar.
But what has the most impact on me is the fact that there are so many people in our community who know his name. Uncle Jerry coached people who then went on to have children that he also coached. He influenced generations. His commitment and unparalleled generosity will never be matched. He constantly opened his house, his wallet, and most importantly, his heart to so many.
He is going to be greatly missed and I was lucky to have him in my life.
Jerry winning the Head Coaches Award in February 2015
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Get To vs Have To
I recently read this article below about the idea of "get to" vs "have to." With all that I've experienced in the past three years or so, this article just reminded me of the power of ones attitude.
When I'm tired and I "have to" wake up and go to work or I "have to" grade a massive stack of essays, I need to try and remind myself that I "get to" go to work today. There are so many people who are out of the job and wish that they could get up and go to work.
When I'm complaining that I "have to" go to pilates or walk the dog, I need to remind myself that I "get to" work out, I am able bodied enough and healthy enough to work out while there are so many other people who wish they were healthy enough (like my mom) to exercise.
When I'm tired at night and I "have to" talk to Wyoming on the phone because I have so many other things to do and I'm tired of listening and talking to 175 8th graders, I remind myself that I "get to" talk to him, I don't "have to" to talk to him.
I don't get to talk to Jeff anymore.
when i awoke this morning at 5:12am for no good reason, i started going through the list of things that i have to do today. i started telling my husband (when he awoke 1.5 hours later) that “i have to write a blog post since i didn’t last night, i have to go for a run, i have to meditate and i have to prepare for a presentation on partnerships and…”
then my trusty anxiety started creeping in and grabbed me by the throat. i fell back on the bed (not dramatically like a pass-out-scene but like a ‘ack! it’s too much. i’m falling over’) and told my husband i felt overwhelmed.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
immediately my response was “oh yes i do because….!” and launched into how the world could potentially end if i didn’t do all of my list today.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
deep breath. he was right and damn he has a good memory. i told him something very similar recently when he was expressing all of the crazy travel he has coming up. i said “you don’t have to do any of that…you get to!” sometimes it is less fun to get your words thrown back at you but ultimately so necessary. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is an interesting concept.
he asked me to rephrase everything that i have going on today and now it sounds like this:
“i
have get to write a blog post, i am able to go for a run, i want to meditate and i get to prepare for a presentation to help people have better partnerships.”
that slight change in phrasing decreased my anxiety by like 47%, which is a pretty big deal. it helped to give me back control of my language, my choices and my life. i don’t have to do anything, none of us do.
he also reminded me that i’m working hard to stay present and to not numb out to my anxiety, no matter how terrible it may feel. remember in brené brown’s book “the gifts of imperfection,” she says you cannot just choose to numb out grief, anxiety, vulnerability, shame, etc. but then say “i just want to feel joy, gratitude, and happiness.” that is not how it works. if we decide to attempt to numb the negative emotions, we numb everything out including the ones that bring us great joy.
if you are feeling overwhelmed, change the way you think about the things that are going on in your life. by simply replacing the words “have to” or “should” with “get to” or “able to” it will help to restore a sense of control. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is stronger than you might imagine.
When I'm tired and I "have to" wake up and go to work or I "have to" grade a massive stack of essays, I need to try and remind myself that I "get to" go to work today. There are so many people who are out of the job and wish that they could get up and go to work.
When I'm complaining that I "have to" go to pilates or walk the dog, I need to remind myself that I "get to" work out, I am able bodied enough and healthy enough to work out while there are so many other people who wish they were healthy enough (like my mom) to exercise.
When I'm tired at night and I "have to" talk to Wyoming on the phone because I have so many other things to do and I'm tired of listening and talking to 175 8th graders, I remind myself that I "get to" talk to him, I don't "have to" to talk to him.
I don't get to talk to Jeff anymore.
The Power of ‘I get to’ versus ‘I have to’
when i awoke this morning at 5:12am for no good reason, i started going through the list of things that i have to do today. i started telling my husband (when he awoke 1.5 hours later) that “i have to write a blog post since i didn’t last night, i have to go for a run, i have to meditate and i have to prepare for a presentation on partnerships and…”
then my trusty anxiety started creeping in and grabbed me by the throat. i fell back on the bed (not dramatically like a pass-out-scene but like a ‘ack! it’s too much. i’m falling over’) and told my husband i felt overwhelmed.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
immediately my response was “oh yes i do because….!” and launched into how the world could potentially end if i didn’t do all of my list today.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
deep breath. he was right and damn he has a good memory. i told him something very similar recently when he was expressing all of the crazy travel he has coming up. i said “you don’t have to do any of that…you get to!” sometimes it is less fun to get your words thrown back at you but ultimately so necessary. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is an interesting concept.
he asked me to rephrase everything that i have going on today and now it sounds like this:
“i
that slight change in phrasing decreased my anxiety by like 47%, which is a pretty big deal. it helped to give me back control of my language, my choices and my life. i don’t have to do anything, none of us do.
if you are feeling overwhelmed, change the way you think about the things that are going on in your life. by simply replacing the words “have to” or “should” with “get to” or “able to” it will help to restore a sense of control. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is stronger than you might imagine.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Target
I was shopping at Target the other day, just minding my own business and I heard someone yell out my name. It turned out to be a couple I used to play recreational field hockey with back in the day. I probably haven't seen them in 7 or 8 years.
We stood in the frozen food aisle catching up. For a brief second I wondered if they had heard about Jeff, but I let the thought pass as we talked about all the people we used to play hockey with. They mentioned that one of their daughters I had coached when she was in high school was married and pregnant and they asked if I had ever finally gotten married. Oh those fantastic moments when I drop the "Jeff bomb" on people.
Me: "Yeah...I did get married...but about a year and a half after we got married he got cancer and died 2 years and 9 months ago."
Them: "What?!? Not Jeff. He was so funny!"
Me: "Yeah...I know, right?"
Then the usual questions of what kind of cancer, did he smoke, was he symptomatic, how did you discover it, and my usual answers that it was lung cancer, no he didn't smoke, no he wasn't really symptomatic, we found out because he had a stiff neck and a lump in his throat, which turned out to be the cancer that had spread to his spine and his lymph nodes.
Yup...just another Thursday night at Target, catching up with people I haven't seen in years, and dropping a bomb on them.
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
We stood in the frozen food aisle catching up. For a brief second I wondered if they had heard about Jeff, but I let the thought pass as we talked about all the people we used to play hockey with. They mentioned that one of their daughters I had coached when she was in high school was married and pregnant and they asked if I had ever finally gotten married. Oh those fantastic moments when I drop the "Jeff bomb" on people.
Me: "Yeah...I did get married...but about a year and a half after we got married he got cancer and died 2 years and 9 months ago."
Them: "What?!? Not Jeff. He was so funny!"
Me: "Yeah...I know, right?"
Then the usual questions of what kind of cancer, did he smoke, was he symptomatic, how did you discover it, and my usual answers that it was lung cancer, no he didn't smoke, no he wasn't really symptomatic, we found out because he had a stiff neck and a lump in his throat, which turned out to be the cancer that had spread to his spine and his lymph nodes.
Yup...just another Thursday night at Target, catching up with people I haven't seen in years, and dropping a bomb on them.
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
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