The Lessons Learned When You Bury Your Husband

Now that I've lived over 3 years without Jeff and my mom is on hospice, I keep telling myself that if I could survive Jeff's death, I can survive anything, even my own mother's death.

"The Polished Widow" said something similar in her post:

Once you bury your husband, you realize you can do anything.

Now this might be a little too much bravado since I don't exactly know how I'm going to react to my mother's death, but, like "The Polished Widow," I've taken on a "let life happen" and "it is what it is" approach to life.  We don’t always have control over situations  We sometimes can't even control our own feelings, we just need to ride them out and realize that "this too shall pass."


"The Polished Widow" says, burying my husband showed me that, and gave me a new perspective on life.  I felt like once Nick died, once that unimaginable event happened, and I can honestly say now, that I am proud of the way I handled it, that it did make me feel almost invincible.  If that’s what life had for me, then everything else would be a piece of cake.  I had got through the worst possible life situation at my age, and I survived...Since burying Nick, I don’t stress about the future, I only wonder where we’ll be in the next year, not the next ten.  If something is out of my control, then I definitely don’t stress about it.  What is the use in worrying about something, that hasn’t even happened yet.  If I spent the time when Nick was sick, worrying about when his end would come, then I would not have enjoyed our last months together...This belief of living in the moment has stuck with me ever since. I don’t like to plan things too far into the future, preferring to live in the present instead...I have minimal time in my life for controversy, stupidity or trivial matters. One of my friends reminded me of my bluntness following Nick’s death, when she came over to vent about a boy she was seeing, lots of blah, blah, blah, I don’t know if I want to be with him stuff.  I told her to get over herself, if she didn’t want to be with him, to break it off. Her happiness was more important than spending her time crying about it on my couch...It’s like I inherited a part of Nick’s confidence when he passed.  Losing Nick, who was my rock, made me need to be more assertive myself.  There was no longer anyone else to fall back on, and though I have happily remarried, I’m still fiercely independent. I will never go back to relying on anyone else to be my backbone...I will also add, I like the new me, I prefer the woman I’ve become to the one I was. It’s why I’m so grateful for having had Nick in my life...Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy time with your kids and family, know how fleeting life can be, surround yourself with positive people...Because life doesn’t have to be hard, it’s what you make it, you can get through anything if you don’t have a ‘woe is me‘ mentality.

This is why I love reading other widow blogs.  They remind me I'm not alone, I can empathize and relate, and they usually put what I'm feeling into words so much better than I can!

Qualities of a Dead Husband

I feel like I have taken on some of Jeff's qualities. Like I was so used to him being around or thinking or acting a certain way that when he left, I wanted those qualities around so I just took them on myself.

There are definitely specific things I say that are totally Jeff.  Some of the ways I behave are completely Jeff and even some of the ways I've learned to think or deal with situations are definitely Jeff.

I used to be very controlling and pretty uptight.  I tried not to sweat the small stuff but I know I did.  I cared a lot about what other people thought and I constantly told Jeff to calm down or to stop embarrassing me in public.

There is an actual video on his Facebook page that a friend posted of him being his typical loud, obnoxious self and you can hear me in the background groaning about his behavior.  This is one of my few regrets.  I regret not just letting him be.  People absolutely loved him for his loud, obnoxious, fun behavior.  It embarrassed me at the time.  But I've realized that it wasn't about me, it was about him.  Why did I try to control that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking on that kind of behavior, but there are just certain things that I've noticed when I say something or do something or think something that is just Jeff.  I catch myself and say "that is totally what Jeff would say/do/think."

It makes me feel good that he continues to live on in me and in others.

The Battle to Get to Today

I remember being at the very beginning of widowhood and just wishing that I could be two or three or even more years in, hoping that time would pass quickly so I wouldn't hurt so badly anymore.

Now that it's been three years since Jeff died, I look back and almost sigh with relief, not because I'm happy that he's been gone for so long, but mainly because I'm relieved to have made it this far and I'm doing relatively well.

Most days, I genuinely am happy, but it definitely took a lot of work to get where I am today.  There have been a lot of lessons learned, tears cried, pain endured, and plenty of turmoil.  But there has also been a lot of lessons learned, lots of laughter, an enormous amount of love, and friendships made and nourished.  There has been a lot of living, good and bad, in these last three years since he's been gone.

I, as well as many other widow's out there, am a testament to the light at the end of the tunnel.  You might stumble along, trip and fall, bump into things and get bruised, but as long as you keep walking towards something, keep working to get there, you will eventually get there.  You may have some scars but those scars are just reminders of the battle you've fought to be where you are today.

We must keep fighting brave widow warriors.  Every day can be a battle, but as long as we keep fighting, we will eventually win the war.

Three Years

Three years ago today, the world lost the most big hearted, hilarious, bull-in-a-China cabinet.

Jeff, you have been missed every day, remembered every minute, and loved every second since you've been gone by me and everyone who was lucky enough to know you.

I am forever grateful to have had 10 years with you.

Cheers to you Bober.

Last Christmas and This Christmas

Last Christmas I spoke about my mom having health problems and one of my uncles waiting for a lung transplant as well as a cousin who was recovering from a major heart attack, while another was in jail.

Unfortunately, we have more bad news in the family than good news with my mom's terminal illness progressing rapidly and now on hospice as well as my uncle having recently passed from complications from his lung transplant.

But I am trying to focus on the positive.  My cousin has had many close calls and after being in the hospital in and out of the ICU for 4 months, he's finally out and staying with my aunt while awaiting his heart transplant.  My other cousin is out of jail and is working.  We hope it stays that way.

The family is all coming together for Christmas and I'm sure it will be as crazy and chaotic as it has always been but I'm also sure it will be full of love and laughter as well.  Time will continue to march on and we will continue to adapt to change.

I will be leaving for Wyoming on the 27th to spend New Years with Wyoming and will be there over Jeff's third anniversary, which I'm trying to not freak out about. I'm continuing to fight my guilt monster and move forward in life.

The most important thing is to try not to fight the inevitable, to not battle change, to continue to flex and adapt as best as possible so that we may all find peace in our lives.  This Christmas, I wish peace for everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Contact Not a Coincidence

I always want Jeff to make contact with me, to send me little signs, or even big signs that he's still around.  This time he didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming.

Wyoming needed new winter tires so he was doing some research and came across a website that sold a specific tire that he liked. The website had an 888 toll free customer service contact number so he called it to get some information on these tires he was interested in buying. It turned out that nobody answered the customer service number so he hung up and figured he would try again another time. He went back and looked at his call log later in the day and was shocked to see that there was a name attached to the number he had called from the website. A specific persons name showing up on a cell phone call log for a toll free customer service number is very odd. But what really caught his attention was the name itself. It was Jeff's first and last name.

Wyoming was unsure if he wanted to tell me or not and he kind of had a hard time explaining it so he ended up sending me a screen shot of his call log and there it was, Jeff's first and last name next to an 888 toll free customer service number. These kinds of things can't just be coincidences.

I couldn't believe that Jeff was making contact with Wyoming. I was a little shocked and amazed at first.  My immediate reaction was to smile and clap my hands because I was so excited to hear from Jeff. But then my guilt monster told me that Jeff was making contact because I will be in Wyoming over Jeff's third anniversary. I know I needed to fight my guilt monster and the idea that Jeff is not happy with me being with Wyoming over his third year anniversary so I tried to rationalize it as Jeff making contact with Wyoming not me. If Jeff was upset with me, wouldn't he have made contact with me?  He didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming. Maybe this was Jeff's way of saying that he's watching?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hello?  Maybe this was Jeff's way of giving his blessing?

Then I started thinking about how I'm trying to rationalize something that is irrational and reminded myself not to overthink things. But that is a really hard thing for me to do.  I'm just so good at overthinking.

Maybe I shouldn't read into it and just be happy that Jeff made contact.

Divorce, Death, and Lessons Learned

A couple that I have recently been spending more and more time with was married over the summer.  She works with me at my post-Jeff, teaching job.  She had expressed that they were going to start to try and have a baby soon.  Unfortunately, she just found out that her husband has been cheating on her.  She has only told me and one other mutual friend because she hasn't decided if she is going to seek a divorce or attempt to work it out, not even her family knows.  They are still going to travel across the country to visit his family over the holidays like nothing is wrong. 

I was devastated at hearing her news.  I immediately felt for her because I remember the day we found out that Jeff had stage iv lung cancer.  It was a life altering day.  I know the minute she found out that her husband was cheating was also a life altering day for her as well.

I think that her road will be harder than mine though.  I know that's a strange concept but there was really no decision I had to make, there was no doubt about what happened to Jeff.  I was not confused or betrayed by him.  He was simply gone.

She has to decide if she wants her husband to be gone from her life.  She may always have doubt about whether her decision is the right decision or not.  There will always be another opportunity to attempt to repair their relationship if she decides to leave or to leave the relationship if she decides to stay.  Those kinds of life altering decisions can be paralyzing, especially when closure may be more difficult to come by.

The old me (before learning so many lessons after Jeff's death) would have judged her and demanded that she leave him.  How dare she allow someone to disrespect her like that.  I would have harassed, badgered, and hounded her to think the way I think and do what I think would be best for her life.

I'm just trying to be there for her right now.  I'm proud of myself for just listening, giving my honest opinion, presenting potential scenarios, and then letting it go.  She has thanked me for not judging her and just supporting her.  I told her that I was a different person before Jeff died, that I would have judged her and harassed her to leave her husband.  She said she's glad that I'm not like that anymore and I told her I was glad I'm not like that anymore too, but it took my husband's death to learn those lessons.

I ache for the pain and turmoil that she's feeling, especially during the holidays.  I definitely know pain during the holidays.  These kinds of life altering moments will always be remembered.  With Jeff's three-year anniversary approaching, it's a further reminder that grief comes in many different ways.