Over my spring break Wyoming and I drove out to Casper, Wyoming to close down his apartment. It took us three days to drive out, three days to pack up his apartment and put most of it in a storage unit out there, and then three more days to drive back. I drove one of his vehicles and he drove the other and both were packed full of the stuff that he wanted to bring with him.
With the fantastic weather in Wyoming it was a fun drive for this California girl who has never driven in sleet or snow (I meant that sarcastically) let alone a vehicle packed full of boxes and stuff. It was not my favorite spring break to say the least but he is now officially here.
We are still working out where he is going to live but the plan as of now is that he will be living on the land I bought back in April of last year in a travel trailer that he bought last month. We are still waiting to get the land cleared so he has a spot to put the trailer so in the meantime he is staying with me. We all know how I feel about that from this post.
I made him get a little storage unit to house all of the stuff he brought with him. This guy comes with a lot of stuff! But I need to remember that it's normal, it is part of his whole life that he didn't leave behind in the storage unit in Wyoming.
This has been a stressful time for both of us. He has given up his life with family and friends and his job out in Wyoming to be here with me. He has to find a new job and figure out his new normal out in San Diego, which is quite a bit different than Wyoming.
I am grateful that he was willing to give so much up for me and move out here to be with me, but it's also a little scary since it means this is real and we are committing to a life together. The last person I committed a life together with died so, you know, I hope that doesn't happen again.
Moving forward is awesome and frightening at the same time.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, April 9, 2018
April 8th
Another wedding anniversary without Jeff has passed.
This year, I, of course, knew it was coming, but just a few days ago the conscious realization of it essentially smacked me in the face. I had a slight feeling of panic as I was going about my normal routine and life and then I freaked out, what day is it today? Oh, phew, it's just the 4th...I didn't forget about it or miss it whereas in the past, I was painfully conscious of the day, sometimes months, weeks, and days leading up to April 8th.
This time last year I had multiple breakdowns mainly because I was in escrow to the buy the land. This year I haven't had any breakdowns yet, but I'm weary since Wyoming and I are in the process of figuring out how he can move here so we will no longer be long distance.
I wonder if this timing is coincidence or Jeff's work since after he was diagnosed, he told me he didn't want to leave me alone.
Or maybe this is just life, and life moves forward if you want to truly live.
All I know is that I miss Jeff on our wedding anniversary and I wish he was still here with me to celebrate seven years married and fourteen years together.
This year, I, of course, knew it was coming, but just a few days ago the conscious realization of it essentially smacked me in the face. I had a slight feeling of panic as I was going about my normal routine and life and then I freaked out, what day is it today? Oh, phew, it's just the 4th...I didn't forget about it or miss it whereas in the past, I was painfully conscious of the day, sometimes months, weeks, and days leading up to April 8th.
This time last year I had multiple breakdowns mainly because I was in escrow to the buy the land. This year I haven't had any breakdowns yet, but I'm weary since Wyoming and I are in the process of figuring out how he can move here so we will no longer be long distance.
I wonder if this timing is coincidence or Jeff's work since after he was diagnosed, he told me he didn't want to leave me alone.
Or maybe this is just life, and life moves forward if you want to truly live.
All I know is that I miss Jeff on our wedding anniversary and I wish he was still here with me to celebrate seven years married and fourteen years together.
Monday, April 2, 2018
But It's MY House
It's been almost three years that Wyoming and I have been together. We are currently still in a long distance relationship but we are talking more about him coming to live in San Diego and what that will look like.
He would like to be able to move in with me. But I don't want him to live with me. I know that's not quite fair to him. He is the one leaving his friends and family, leaving his job, and moving to a city he's never lived in. He is the one who would have to find a new job. He is the one that is sacrificing a lot for us to be together. I do feel bad that he is giving up so much to make our relationship work but I still don't want him to move in with me.
I've thought a lot about why I don't want him to move in with me. I've come up with a few reasons I don't want him to move into my house and the main reason is that I think we need to start a life together and I'm not sure I can do that in the same house I had a life with Jeff.
I bought my house by myself before Jeff and I were married. As a young single female, I was very proud and very possessive of my house and I still feel the same way. When Jeff moved in with me, I didn't allow him a say in pretty much anything regarding the house. I chose the paint colors, I chose the concrete pattern and color for the backyard, I chose to put in hard wood floors, I chose to put in synthetic grass, I chose all of the furniture and what went on the walls. Jeff didn't have a say in any of that, but Jeff also didn't seem to care. I think he was kind of happy that he didn't have to make any of those decisions.
Wyoming is different. He has some clothes and personal belongings in my house already but they are put away out of site for the most part. He has very little in my closet. He does have his motorcycle in my garage and that actually annoys me, when I know very well that it shouldn't. What this all tells me is that I don't want Wyoming to change any part of my house, which is extremely unfair to him. I am aware of that. He should have the ability to come into the place he is going to call home and make it his own. But my mentality is that the house is mine and mine alone. Not a good mentality when you are starting a life with another person.
My solution is for Wyoming and I to develop the land I bought and put a house on it that will be ours together. We will both have a say in all parts of the house and we will work as a team. I will not have the right to make decisions regarding our home all by myself.
Wyoming doesn't want to wait to develop the land and build a house to move to San Diego. He thinks it's unfair for him to sacrifice so much and worry about finding a place to live and paying rent for an apartment while we are developing the land and he is looking for a job. My answer to that is that we need to wait before he moves here, but he is tired of being long distance.
We are at a standstill.
He would like to be able to move in with me. But I don't want him to live with me. I know that's not quite fair to him. He is the one leaving his friends and family, leaving his job, and moving to a city he's never lived in. He is the one who would have to find a new job. He is the one that is sacrificing a lot for us to be together. I do feel bad that he is giving up so much to make our relationship work but I still don't want him to move in with me.
I've thought a lot about why I don't want him to move in with me. I've come up with a few reasons I don't want him to move into my house and the main reason is that I think we need to start a life together and I'm not sure I can do that in the same house I had a life with Jeff.
I bought my house by myself before Jeff and I were married. As a young single female, I was very proud and very possessive of my house and I still feel the same way. When Jeff moved in with me, I didn't allow him a say in pretty much anything regarding the house. I chose the paint colors, I chose the concrete pattern and color for the backyard, I chose to put in hard wood floors, I chose to put in synthetic grass, I chose all of the furniture and what went on the walls. Jeff didn't have a say in any of that, but Jeff also didn't seem to care. I think he was kind of happy that he didn't have to make any of those decisions.
Wyoming is different. He has some clothes and personal belongings in my house already but they are put away out of site for the most part. He has very little in my closet. He does have his motorcycle in my garage and that actually annoys me, when I know very well that it shouldn't. What this all tells me is that I don't want Wyoming to change any part of my house, which is extremely unfair to him. I am aware of that. He should have the ability to come into the place he is going to call home and make it his own. But my mentality is that the house is mine and mine alone. Not a good mentality when you are starting a life with another person.
My solution is for Wyoming and I to develop the land I bought and put a house on it that will be ours together. We will both have a say in all parts of the house and we will work as a team. I will not have the right to make decisions regarding our home all by myself.
Wyoming doesn't want to wait to develop the land and build a house to move to San Diego. He thinks it's unfair for him to sacrifice so much and worry about finding a place to live and paying rent for an apartment while we are developing the land and he is looking for a job. My answer to that is that we need to wait before he moves here, but he is tired of being long distance.
We are at a standstill.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Losing Pieces of Him
I was telling a story about Jeff the other day and I was trying to remember a specific thing he used to say and I couldn't bring it into focus and remember exactly how he said it. It was right there, at the tip of my tongue, but it kept slipping away.
I'm losing pieces of him.
Not only do I think about Jeff everyday, but I mention him at least once a day to someone by retelling a story, saying something he would say or do, or seeing something that reminded me of him. He is never far from my mind and heart and it bothered me that I couldn't remember how he specifically said something when I was trying to recall it.
That makes me so sad but I'm trying to put it into perspective. I know I will never forget him completely but I don't want to forget anything about him. He deserves to be remembered fully.
But I also know that as I keep living, growing, learning new things, and having new experiences, the brain has to make room for new stuff. I just want my brain to put all of the things about Jeff in storage and not take anything about him to the dump. I want to be able to have accurate access to that storage place for Jeff at any time.
I love that time has dulled the pain of losing him, but I also hate that time is erasing too many details that I want to remember. Is that why the pain is dull? Because the details are less sharp?
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
I'm losing pieces of him.
Not only do I think about Jeff everyday, but I mention him at least once a day to someone by retelling a story, saying something he would say or do, or seeing something that reminded me of him. He is never far from my mind and heart and it bothered me that I couldn't remember how he specifically said something when I was trying to recall it.
That makes me so sad but I'm trying to put it into perspective. I know I will never forget him completely but I don't want to forget anything about him. He deserves to be remembered fully.
But I also know that as I keep living, growing, learning new things, and having new experiences, the brain has to make room for new stuff. I just want my brain to put all of the things about Jeff in storage and not take anything about him to the dump. I want to be able to have accurate access to that storage place for Jeff at any time.
I love that time has dulled the pain of losing him, but I also hate that time is erasing too many details that I want to remember. Is that why the pain is dull? Because the details are less sharp?
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is upon us. Jeff and I officially started seeing each other on Valentine's Day. This February 14th would have been 14 years together.
I don't necessarily live in the past, I try to live in the present. But Jeff is my past and he is my past not out of any choice by either one of us. We didn't choose to be separated, it was chosen for us.
What has me torn is that Wyoming's birthday is on Valentine's Day. It's hard to celebrate a new love's birthday as well as mourn the anniversary with your lost love. Wyoming and I have been together for almost 3 years now but since we've been a long distance couple, this is actually the first time we've been able to spend his birthday together. Usually we have to wait for a while before we can be in the same town together to celebrate. This year he is in town for his birthday.
I went to go buy Wyoming a birthday/Valentine's Day card and I couldn't help but think about Jeff because for years I was buying anniversary/Valentine's Day cards for Jeff. It's weird how I feel like I'm cheating on both of them.
It's definitely true that ghosts can haunt us and it's also truly unfair that I can feel guilty about loving both of them.
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
I don't necessarily live in the past, I try to live in the present. But Jeff is my past and he is my past not out of any choice by either one of us. We didn't choose to be separated, it was chosen for us.
Wyoming is my present, but it's hard to not live in the past with Jeff. I don't know how to fully let go of Jeff and our past in order to fully enjoy the present.
What has me torn is that Wyoming's birthday is on Valentine's Day. It's hard to celebrate a new love's birthday as well as mourn the anniversary with your lost love. Wyoming and I have been together for almost 3 years now but since we've been a long distance couple, this is actually the first time we've been able to spend his birthday together. Usually we have to wait for a while before we can be in the same town together to celebrate. This year he is in town for his birthday.
I went to go buy Wyoming a birthday/Valentine's Day card and I couldn't help but think about Jeff because for years I was buying anniversary/Valentine's Day cards for Jeff. It's weird how I feel like I'm cheating on both of them.
It's definitely true that ghosts can haunt us and it's also truly unfair that I can feel guilty about loving both of them.
I hate cancer for making me a widow.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Reflecting on Four Years
It's been over four years since Jeff died.
I found myself reflecting on a post by one of my favorite widow bloggers. Here is her full post. What I connect most to are these words of hers:
I find myself reflecting on the last eight years. What lessons have these years taught me? Among other things, this:
I learned how to grieve. Well, I know I'm still learning, but I learned early on that grief is a relentless teacher that never really takes a break, only changes, but can apparate back to it's original form and back again in the same moment. I learned to give myself grace about timelines and linear "progress" and anything else that felt like expectation. I learned to give grace to others; too, even if they had expectations for my grieving that I could not meet. Some of the support I got was tremendous (saints, I tell you!). But, it's also amazing to me how few of the people in my current "inner circle" even knew me eight years ago. It's hard for me sometimes that they never even knew Sawan, this man that changed me so fully and completely by his presence and then by his absence.
I feel like my fellow widow blogger is in my head. I live these same thoughts and feelings. It is surreal to me that people in my life now know me "pre" Jeff, "during" Jeff, and "post" Jeff. I place people in these categories every day. Some of them overlap of course. I have friends who know me through all of these stages, and some of my "pre" and "during" friends are no longer my friends for one reason or another. I also have some very close friends now that never knew me "during" Jeff. They only know me "post" Jeff. I find myself spending time with these people and wishing they had the chance to meet him; I think about how much Jeff would like them or they would like Jeff.
It's interesting and also sad how death marks time and relationships this way for me.
Another part of her post dealt with her attitude toward life:
I learned that life isn't going to look like I thought it would. It isn't even going to look like I thought it would once I realized I had to re-think life. I'm still learning to get over that and just live. I'm learning to live like this is my one wild and precious life, and I won't squander it by merely surviving.
Even though I have been living without Jeff for half the amount of time she's been living without her husband, I still connect so well with her words. I have definitely learned some of the same lessons she has learned and I'm sure I have much more to learn regarding those lessons. Of course I have many more lessons to learn as well. I can't even imagine what I will have learned and how I will feel in four more years. I know I've learned not to predict!
What is clear to me when I reflect back is that it's obvious that a theme resonates repeatedly with some of us widows; we need to truly live this one life we have and not take it for granted or waste it. Our husbands deserve that.
I found myself reflecting on a post by one of my favorite widow bloggers. Here is her full post. What I connect most to are these words of hers:
I find myself reflecting on the last eight years. What lessons have these years taught me? Among other things, this:
I learned how to grieve. Well, I know I'm still learning, but I learned early on that grief is a relentless teacher that never really takes a break, only changes, but can apparate back to it's original form and back again in the same moment. I learned to give myself grace about timelines and linear "progress" and anything else that felt like expectation. I learned to give grace to others; too, even if they had expectations for my grieving that I could not meet. Some of the support I got was tremendous (saints, I tell you!). But, it's also amazing to me how few of the people in my current "inner circle" even knew me eight years ago. It's hard for me sometimes that they never even knew Sawan, this man that changed me so fully and completely by his presence and then by his absence.
I feel like my fellow widow blogger is in my head. I live these same thoughts and feelings. It is surreal to me that people in my life now know me "pre" Jeff, "during" Jeff, and "post" Jeff. I place people in these categories every day. Some of them overlap of course. I have friends who know me through all of these stages, and some of my "pre" and "during" friends are no longer my friends for one reason or another. I also have some very close friends now that never knew me "during" Jeff. They only know me "post" Jeff. I find myself spending time with these people and wishing they had the chance to meet him; I think about how much Jeff would like them or they would like Jeff.
It's interesting and also sad how death marks time and relationships this way for me.
Another part of her post dealt with her attitude toward life:
I learned that life isn't going to look like I thought it would. It isn't even going to look like I thought it would once I realized I had to re-think life. I'm still learning to get over that and just live. I'm learning to live like this is my one wild and precious life, and I won't squander it by merely surviving.
Even though I have been living without Jeff for half the amount of time she's been living without her husband, I still connect so well with her words. I have definitely learned some of the same lessons she has learned and I'm sure I have much more to learn regarding those lessons. Of course I have many more lessons to learn as well. I can't even imagine what I will have learned and how I will feel in four more years. I know I've learned not to predict!
What is clear to me when I reflect back is that it's obvious that a theme resonates repeatedly with some of us widows; we need to truly live this one life we have and not take it for granted or waste it. Our husbands deserve that.
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