Saturday, April 8, 2017
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Wedding Anniversary
My sixth wedding anniversary is coming up in a week. Jeff and I were married April 8th, 2011. The first part of April is very busy since my twin nieces were born March 31st and both my mom and my brother in laws birthdays are in the first weeks of April.
People usually remember Jeff's birthday and sometimes even the day he died but our wedding anniversary is a date that I tend to have to remind people of.
Yesterday, I was busy making my nieces birthday cakes and about 50 cupcakes for their 5th birthday party for today and I decided to take a little break on the couch in between bakes. I was just pondering about my anniversary and where my life is now since we were married when our wedding song came on Pandora. I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again, I rarely hear our wedding song so when I do hear it, I believe that it's coming from Jeff.
At the very moment I was thinking about our upcoming anniversary, Jeff was saying hello. I haven't cried in a while over missing Jeff, but when I heard our song I started bawling. I've definitely moved forward in life since he's been gone and I know that he sees and knows what I'm up to, but it is always so awesome to get a sign that he's still with me.
So I had myself a good cry for the duration of the song. It's hard not being a bit sad and nostalgic around our anniversary. Once the song ended, I wiped off my tears, picked myself up and finished making cupcakes.
People usually remember Jeff's birthday and sometimes even the day he died but our wedding anniversary is a date that I tend to have to remind people of.
Yesterday, I was busy making my nieces birthday cakes and about 50 cupcakes for their 5th birthday party for today and I decided to take a little break on the couch in between bakes. I was just pondering about my anniversary and where my life is now since we were married when our wedding song came on Pandora. I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again, I rarely hear our wedding song so when I do hear it, I believe that it's coming from Jeff.
At the very moment I was thinking about our upcoming anniversary, Jeff was saying hello. I haven't cried in a while over missing Jeff, but when I heard our song I started bawling. I've definitely moved forward in life since he's been gone and I know that he sees and knows what I'm up to, but it is always so awesome to get a sign that he's still with me.
So I had myself a good cry for the duration of the song. It's hard not being a bit sad and nostalgic around our anniversary. Once the song ended, I wiped off my tears, picked myself up and finished making cupcakes.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Breakthrough
I mentioned in my last post that my family has not been very supportive of my relationship with Wyoming. I would like to clarify and say that my extended family has been very supportive. Wyoming has met most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.
It's my immediate family that hasn't been supportive. They have been flat out against our relationship. Wyoming hasn't met my dad, sister, or nieces. He met my mom about a year ago before she went on hospice, but, unknowing to me, my mom didn't tell my dad that she was meeting Wyoming until afterwards, which caused some turmoil.
I have heard multiple times from my father over his displeasure of Wyoming's past. Over the last year, my dad and I could not be around each other without yelling on both our parts and lots of crying on mine over my relationship with Wyoming.
But there has recently been a breakthrough. My dad has asked to meet Wyoming when he comes to town for spring break next week. Needless to say, my dad wanting to meet Wyoming has caused a lot of anxiety for me. My dad is a very opinionated and outspoken person. He is very strong in his beliefs and has absolutely no problem expressing himself, even if it offends people. This trait was not only passed down to my sister and I, but Wyoming also shares this trait, which could lead to a very explosive meeting.
My sister is also very unhappy with my relationship with Wyoming. She has refused to meet him or allow her daughters around him. My sister is adamant that she does not trust my decision making abilities since my husband died, based off of some bad decisions I made in the first year he was gone. She thinks that Wyoming is another one of those bad decisions, which has made seeing my nieces difficult and my relationship with my sister very strained.
The last few months though, there has been a bit of a truce within my immediate family. We have all agreed to get along and ignore the elephant in the room for my mother's sake. We have not fought and Wyoming is rarely mentioned.
My anxiety lies in the fact that I am enjoying this false peace within my immediate family since this false peace is better than yelling and crying every time we're around each other. I am worried that if the meeting between Wyoming and my father does not go well, then it will open up old wounds and the fighting will begin anew.
I know from therapy, that I must push myself and not stay stagnant but the unknown is terrifying and where I am right now regarding my family is known, even if it is false.
But I also know that my dad wanting to meet Wyoming is a good thing. My dad is willing to meet Wyoming and not just judge him based off of his past anymore. I need to stop worrying and think of this as a breakthrough and not a fight.
So, we will see how the meeting goes. Hopefully my father and Wyoming get along and the next phase will be my sister meeting him if she is open to it. But that's a whole other battle.
I know that I cannot control others, I can only control my response to others. Knowing this does not relieve my anxiety though.
It's my immediate family that hasn't been supportive. They have been flat out against our relationship. Wyoming hasn't met my dad, sister, or nieces. He met my mom about a year ago before she went on hospice, but, unknowing to me, my mom didn't tell my dad that she was meeting Wyoming until afterwards, which caused some turmoil.
I have heard multiple times from my father over his displeasure of Wyoming's past. Over the last year, my dad and I could not be around each other without yelling on both our parts and lots of crying on mine over my relationship with Wyoming.
But there has recently been a breakthrough. My dad has asked to meet Wyoming when he comes to town for spring break next week. Needless to say, my dad wanting to meet Wyoming has caused a lot of anxiety for me. My dad is a very opinionated and outspoken person. He is very strong in his beliefs and has absolutely no problem expressing himself, even if it offends people. This trait was not only passed down to my sister and I, but Wyoming also shares this trait, which could lead to a very explosive meeting.
My sister is also very unhappy with my relationship with Wyoming. She has refused to meet him or allow her daughters around him. My sister is adamant that she does not trust my decision making abilities since my husband died, based off of some bad decisions I made in the first year he was gone. She thinks that Wyoming is another one of those bad decisions, which has made seeing my nieces difficult and my relationship with my sister very strained.
The last few months though, there has been a bit of a truce within my immediate family. We have all agreed to get along and ignore the elephant in the room for my mother's sake. We have not fought and Wyoming is rarely mentioned.
My anxiety lies in the fact that I am enjoying this false peace within my immediate family since this false peace is better than yelling and crying every time we're around each other. I am worried that if the meeting between Wyoming and my father does not go well, then it will open up old wounds and the fighting will begin anew.
I know from therapy, that I must push myself and not stay stagnant but the unknown is terrifying and where I am right now regarding my family is known, even if it is false.
But I also know that my dad wanting to meet Wyoming is a good thing. My dad is willing to meet Wyoming and not just judge him based off of his past anymore. I need to stop worrying and think of this as a breakthrough and not a fight.
So, we will see how the meeting goes. Hopefully my father and Wyoming get along and the next phase will be my sister meeting him if she is open to it. But that's a whole other battle.
I know that I cannot control others, I can only control my response to others. Knowing this does not relieve my anxiety though.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Judge Monster
I spoke previously about being judged by others and judging myself in my last post and after reading The Polished Widow, she mentioned judgement as well in her most recent post.
Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations. I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!
I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve as well as realizing that I judge myself. I mentioned the two types of grief in this post. Widows talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions. It's funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes.
The Polished Widow goes on to write that was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it. When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’. But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook??? I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me. Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.
I can say that The Polished Widow was lucky that her own family and her husband's family were supportive of her. My husband's family and I had a terrible falling out about 10 months after my husband died and I haven't seen, heard from, or spoken to his parents or brother for over 2 years.
My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago. I started dating Wyoming a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and they still don't support me. We've had a rough year and a half, especially with my mother's health declining rapidly. My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and then again by multiple people who judged my decision to be in a relationship with Wyoming.
Like The Polished Widow a couple of my friends also judged me.
But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy...All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong...And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!? Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him. What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them. Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again. Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.
I have also lost friends like The Polished Widow. They just kind of slowly disappeared from my life. Both friends and family claim that they are trying to protect me from my own bad decisions since Wyoming has such a dark past and I made a few bad decisions during my intense grief after Jeff died, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite. I went to therapy and did a lot of work on myself to understand why I made some poor decisions early in my grief journey and feel that I have learned and grown from that. I can't change the past and neither can Wyoming, but we can let the past be the past and move forward in life and that's what we are both trying to do.
I know that sometimes people just change in general and drift in and out of our lives but I do believe that Jeff's death is the cause for certain people not wanting to be friends anymore. These people judge Wyoming for his dark past but have never met him. I am so very grateful to all of my friends who have cautioned me about being in a relationship with Wyoming but have also allowed me to make my own decisions and support me in those decisions instead of distancing themselves. These people truly show they care through their actions and their words. These are the people who understand that they have their own life to live and I have mine to live.
I feel that because of friends and family who judge and question my life, that has definitely had a negative impact on me and how I judge and question myself. I understand that people want to protect me but making me live a life that is right for them and not for me is not doing me any service. Nobody could protect me from Jeff's cancer and ultimate death. I don't think anybody would tell me that if they had a crystal ball and knew that Jeff was going to get cancer and die after 10 years of being together, that I should not be with him.
Nobody knows what the future holds, and I understand that being with Wyoming, there is a risk that it might not work out. But we take that risk with any person we choose to be in a relationship with. At least I know that the people who are supporting me now will be there to celebrate my happiness and also be there to help pick me up when tragedy may occur.
The Polished Widow continues on with even more words of wisdom.
But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’. You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.
Thank you Polished Widow for your words of wisdom.
Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations. I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!
I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve as well as realizing that I judge myself. I mentioned the two types of grief in this post. Widows talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions. It's funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes.
The Polished Widow goes on to write that was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it. When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’. But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook??? I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me. Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.
I can say that The Polished Widow was lucky that her own family and her husband's family were supportive of her. My husband's family and I had a terrible falling out about 10 months after my husband died and I haven't seen, heard from, or spoken to his parents or brother for over 2 years.
My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago. I started dating Wyoming a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and they still don't support me. We've had a rough year and a half, especially with my mother's health declining rapidly. My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and then again by multiple people who judged my decision to be in a relationship with Wyoming.
Like The Polished Widow a couple of my friends also judged me.
But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy...All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong...And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!? Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him. What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them. Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again. Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.
I have also lost friends like The Polished Widow. They just kind of slowly disappeared from my life. Both friends and family claim that they are trying to protect me from my own bad decisions since Wyoming has such a dark past and I made a few bad decisions during my intense grief after Jeff died, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite. I went to therapy and did a lot of work on myself to understand why I made some poor decisions early in my grief journey and feel that I have learned and grown from that. I can't change the past and neither can Wyoming, but we can let the past be the past and move forward in life and that's what we are both trying to do.
I know that sometimes people just change in general and drift in and out of our lives but I do believe that Jeff's death is the cause for certain people not wanting to be friends anymore. These people judge Wyoming for his dark past but have never met him. I am so very grateful to all of my friends who have cautioned me about being in a relationship with Wyoming but have also allowed me to make my own decisions and support me in those decisions instead of distancing themselves. These people truly show they care through their actions and their words. These are the people who understand that they have their own life to live and I have mine to live.
I feel that because of friends and family who judge and question my life, that has definitely had a negative impact on me and how I judge and question myself. I understand that people want to protect me but making me live a life that is right for them and not for me is not doing me any service. Nobody could protect me from Jeff's cancer and ultimate death. I don't think anybody would tell me that if they had a crystal ball and knew that Jeff was going to get cancer and die after 10 years of being together, that I should not be with him.
Nobody knows what the future holds, and I understand that being with Wyoming, there is a risk that it might not work out. But we take that risk with any person we choose to be in a relationship with. At least I know that the people who are supporting me now will be there to celebrate my happiness and also be there to help pick me up when tragedy may occur.
The Polished Widow continues on with even more words of wisdom.
But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’. You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.
Thank you Polished Widow for your words of wisdom.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Stupid Guilt Monster!
Going back and rereading certain things I've posted, in hindsight, I can see that I was definitely battling my guilt monster. But I'm realizing it's not the same guilt monster, it has evolved, changed, morphed, mutated into something else. It's a lot more subtle and sneaky.
For example, this post, I talk about being judged by others about the way I choose to live my life and grieve, but I think in reality, I am judging myself, I am just projecting my own judgment onto other people. They are not even judging me. I'm judging myself and being angry because I think they are judging me.
Should my guilt monster be changed to judge monster?
For example, this post, I talk about being judged by others about the way I choose to live my life and grieve, but I think in reality, I am judging myself, I am just projecting my own judgment onto other people. They are not even judging me. I'm judging myself and being angry because I think they are judging me.
Should my guilt monster be changed to judge monster?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
End of Life Option
Last time I saw my mom she talked to me about the End of Life option. I knew she had applied for the program but didn't know that she had already been approved and that the medication was in the house. She hasn't made a decision yet of whether or not she will actually use it but it is now a concrete option.
I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition. My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease. There is no cure. There is no remission. There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again. She just continues to go down hill. She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself. Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it. She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.
I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.
But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality. I think my dad is very brave for supporting her. I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died. My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go. I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.
I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication. I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings. I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave. It is her life, her decision. As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.
I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option. With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope. With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try. With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon. There is very little research being done on MSA. Not very many options are available.
I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side. My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.
There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness. There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation. Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me. I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone.
These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression. Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being. I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother. It is very difficult though.
I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition. My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease. There is no cure. There is no remission. There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again. She just continues to go down hill. She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself. Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it. She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.
I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.
But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality. I think my dad is very brave for supporting her. I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died. My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go. I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.
I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication. I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings. I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave. It is her life, her decision. As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.
I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option. With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope. With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try. With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon. There is very little research being done on MSA. Not very many options are available.
I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side. My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.
There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness. There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation. Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me. I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone.
These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression. Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being. I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother. It is very difficult though.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Mom Keeps Asking
Anytime Wyoming comes up in conversation with my mom, she asks me what my future plans are. I tell her I don't know.
It's hard as a widow to plan for the future. We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future. We had a plan. But it all changed when our loved one died.
I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future. The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy. I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye. I know that I have to make myself happy.
I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff. We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married. Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry. I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal. I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.
I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life. It's been almost two years since we started dating. We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation. It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about. I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her. I have a hard time making promises to myself.
All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now. I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.
I don't mind that my mom keeps asking. She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything. It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.
Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.
It's hard as a widow to plan for the future. We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future. We had a plan. But it all changed when our loved one died.
I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future. The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy. I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye. I know that I have to make myself happy.
I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff. We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married. Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry. I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal. I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.
I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life. It's been almost two years since we started dating. We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation. It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about. I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her. I have a hard time making promises to myself.
All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now. I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.
I don't mind that my mom keeps asking. She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything. It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.
Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.
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