Judge Monster

I spoke previously about being judged by others and judging myself in my last post and after reading The Polished Widow, she mentioned judgement as well in her most recent post.

Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations.  I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!

I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve as well as realizing that I judge myself.  I mentioned the two types of grief in this post.  Widows talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions.  It's funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes.

The Polished Widow goes on to write that was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it.  When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’.  But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook???  I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me.  Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.

I can say that The Polished Widow was lucky that her own family and her husband's family were supportive of her.  My husband's family and I had a terrible falling out about 10 months after my husband died and I haven't seen, heard from, or spoken to his parents or brother for over 2 years.

My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago.  I started dating Wyoming a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and they still don't support me.  We've had a rough year and a half, especially with my mother's health declining rapidly.  My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and then again by multiple people who judged my decision to be in a relationship with Wyoming. 

Like The Polished Widow a couple of my friends also judged me.

But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy...All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong...And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!?  Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him.  What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them.  Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again.  Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.

I have also lost friends like The Polished Widow.  They just kind of slowly disappeared from my life.  Both friends and family claim that they are trying to protect me from my own bad decisions since Wyoming has such a dark past and I made a few bad decisions during my intense grief after Jeff died, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite.  I went to therapy and did a lot of work on myself to understand why I made some poor decisions early in my grief journey and feel that I have learned and grown from that.  I can't change the past and neither can Wyoming, but we can let the past be the past and move forward in life and that's what we are both trying to do.

I know that sometimes people just change in general and drift in and out of our lives but I do believe that Jeff's death is the cause for certain people not wanting to be friends anymore.  These people judge Wyoming for his dark past but have never met him.  I am so very grateful to all of my friends who have cautioned me about being in a relationship with Wyoming but have also allowed me to make my own decisions and support me in those decisions instead of distancing themselves.  These people truly show they care through their actions and their words.  These are the people who understand that they have their own life to live and I have mine to live.  

I feel that because of friends and family who judge and question my life, that has definitely had a negative impact on me and how I judge and question myself.  I understand that people want to protect me but making me live a life that is right for them and not for me is not doing me any service.  Nobody could protect me from Jeff's cancer and ultimate death.  I don't think anybody would tell me that if they had a crystal ball and knew that Jeff was going to get cancer and die after 10 years of being together, that I should not be with him. 

Nobody knows what the future holds, and I understand that being with Wyoming, there is a risk that it might not work out.  But we take that risk with any person we choose to be in a relationship with.  At least I know that the people who are supporting me now will be there to celebrate my happiness and also be there to help pick me up when tragedy may occur.

The Polished Widow continues on with even more words of wisdom.

But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’.  You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.

Thank you Polished Widow for your words of wisdom.