Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I found it pretty hard.  I was pretty tense and irritable the week leading up to Mother's Day and with Wyoming in my space, he had a hard time handling my irritability.

I feel like he expects me to not be irritable and thinks he can make it better.  He can't make it better, only I have the control to make it better.  I ultimately control my own happiness.  Things can happen around me, things can happen to me, but only I control my response.

My response to this first Mother's Day without my mom was to be irritable and sad.  Nothing he can do or say will change that and he wasn't happy about it and as he kept pushing me and taking it personally, it only led to a fight.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him moving here to be with me, but my grief is too big right now that I had nothing left to give him at the time.  I needed to be left alone and that's what I told him, but, understandably, he felt like he moved here so I wouldn't be alone and he wanted to help.  Even though I told him what I needed, he didn't listen.

Knowing what I know about  myself and grief since Jeff has died tells me that coming up to big anniversaries, holidays, and significant dates, my anxiety grows and manifests itself in irritability.  I wish this is something that I could change but I feel like at least I recognize it.  I tend to turn inward and just want to be left alone until the date passes or until I have some kind of breakdown.

I'm sure this is not easy to live with but I need him to understand that it's not personal.  This has nothing to do with him.  But he takes it personally and doesn't understand why I'm being mean to him.  I don't feel like I'm being mean to him, I just don't want to pretend that I'm happy or okay.  I just want to be left alone.

What you see is what you get with me.  If I'm happy, or sad, or anxious, or irritable, or frustrated, or angry, or excited everyone around me knows it.  If it's a positive feeling, it's nice to be around other people but when I'm feeling negative, I try to remove myself so I don't take it out on others.  Right now, Wyoming has no where to go since the land isn't ready for him to move on to yet and he doesn't have a job so he's stuck with this cranky person in a house that isn't his.

It's not a good situation for either of us.  It just made Mother's Day harder for me.

Jeff and I had 10 years together, and don't get my wrong, we definitely got on each other's nerves, but we had spent so much time together and gotten through so much together that he knew how to read me and instead of pushing me, he would give me my space until I came around.  Wyoming doesn't know this yet.  Hopefully he's starting to figure it out and realize that when I say I need something (like to be left alone), he will listen.  We've been together for almost three years now, but the majority of our relationship so far has been long distance.  We are definitely still learning a lot about how to be in each other's space full time.

I miss my mom and I miss Jeff.  Hopefully they are together shaking their head at me and calling me a brat.

Two Hundred Posts!

Wyoming is Officially Here was  my 200th post.  I can't believe I have written 200 posts.  I remember when I was surprised that I made it to 100 posts.

I started this blog to help me deal with the grief over losing my husband to lung cancer December 29, 2013.  I needed an anonymous outlet.  I'm not as anonymous as I used to be since I've posted a video of my first dance at my wedding and a picture of my uncle and my mom but since none of my family and friends know about this blog, I still feel anonymous when I write.

This blog has given me the opportunity to truly express my feelings; my ups and downs, my frustrations and triumphs, my happy times and my sad times, all while being honest and open without fear of hurting those close to me.

I know how much other widow blogs have helped me in the past and continue to help me and I do hope that what I have posted has helped others as well.  I know that writing about what I have been going through regarding the loss of my husband and how that loss has affected my life has been a form of therapy for me.  It gives me an outlet and an opportunity to work through my thoughts and feelings on situations as well as allowing me the opportunity to chronicle my growth and lack of growth. Going back and re-reading old posts helps me see how far I've come but also what I still need to work on.

Thank you to the handful of people who have been following my journey and have provided such positive comments.  We all know that grief is really hard and that everybody grieves and handles grief differently so it is nice to be able to connect with people and know that I'm not alone and help others realize that they aren't alone either, even if we are all on our own separate journeys.

I miss my husband every day and hate cancer for making me a widow, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned and appreciative of all those who have supported me in good times and in bad.

I'm not quite sure how long I will continue to write.  I figure I will continue to write as long as I need to.  I might not post as often as I used to, but as we all know, life keeps happening whether we want it to or not, and we all need to keep learning and growing and moving forward as we live it.

He Made Contact Again!

April 29th was the four year, four month anniversary of Jeff's passing.  I used to countdown and mark each 29th until one month I forgot and didn't.  Even though the anniversary of Jeff's death isn't at the forefront of my mind like it used to be, I still recognize it and count it most months. 

Some months are harder than others, but usually every 29th, I note that another month of my life has passed without Jeff.

This four year, four month anniversary, Jeff made contact again.  He didn't make contact with me though.  He made contact with Wyoming.  This isn't the first time he's made contact with Wyoming.  I wrote about the first time in this post.  

Wyoming woke up on April 30th to a missed call.  On his missed call log it showed that someone from a restricted number called with my husbands first and last name at 10:14 pm.  

Now I know that some people would say that it's just a coincidence, that maybe a salesman or someone called and he just happened to have the same first and last name as my husband and he just happened to call on the four year, four month anniversary of my husband's death.

But I don't believe in coincidences since Jeff died.  Now I think coincidences are really signs.  

I don't know why Jeff doesn't contact me.  Maybe he does and I just don't notice or recognize it?  But the way he contacts Wyoming definitely cannot be missed or go unrecognized.

Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hi?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of acknowledging that he's still around?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying he knows Wyoming is staying in our house? 

I don't know why Jeff contacts Wyoming this way but all I know is that I'm happy he does because it proves that he's still out there watching over me.  It shows me that he is still around and he still cares.

I wish Jeff was still here, but even though he's not, I'll take whatever contact from him I can get, even if he doesn't contact me directly.  I still get his message.

Wyoming Is Officially Here

Over my spring break Wyoming and I drove out to Casper, Wyoming to close down his apartment.  It took us three days to drive out, three days to pack up his apartment and put most of it in a storage unit out there, and then three more days to drive back.  I drove one of his vehicles and he drove the other and both were packed full of the stuff that he wanted to bring with him.

With the fantastic weather in Wyoming it was a fun drive for this California girl who has never driven in sleet or snow (I meant that sarcastically) let alone a vehicle packed full of boxes and stuff.  It was not my favorite spring break to say the least but he is now officially here.

We are still working out where he is going to live but the plan as of now is that he will be living  on the land I bought back in April of last year in a travel trailer that he bought last month.  We are still waiting to get the land cleared so he has a spot to put the trailer so in the meantime he is staying with me. We all know how I feel about that from this post.

I made him get a little storage unit to house all of the stuff he brought with him.  This guy comes with a lot of stuff!  But I need to remember that it's normal, it is part of his whole life that he didn't leave behind in the storage unit in Wyoming.

This has been a stressful time for both of us.  He has given up his life with family and friends and his job out in Wyoming to be here with me.  He has to find a new job and figure out his new normal out in San Diego, which is quite a bit different than Wyoming.

I am grateful that he was willing to give so much up for me and move out here to be with me, but it's also a little scary since it means this is real and we are committing to a life together.  The last person I committed a life together with died so, you know, I hope that doesn't happen again.

Moving forward is awesome and frightening at the same time.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mom's 68th birthday.

I miss her.

April 8th

Another wedding anniversary without Jeff has passed.

This year, I, of course, knew it was coming, but just a few days ago the conscious realization of it essentially smacked me in the face.  I had a slight feeling of panic as I was going about my normal routine and life and then I freaked out, what day is it today?  Oh, phew, it's just the 4th...I didn't forget about it or miss it whereas in the past, I was painfully conscious of the day, sometimes months, weeks, and days leading up to April 8th.

This time last year I had multiple breakdowns mainly because I was in escrow to the buy the land.  This year I haven't had any breakdowns yet, but I'm weary since Wyoming and I are in the process of figuring out how he can move here so we will no longer be long distance.

I wonder if this timing is coincidence or Jeff's work since after he was diagnosed, he told me he didn't want to leave me alone.

Or maybe this is just life, and life moves forward if you want to truly live.

All I know is that I miss Jeff on our wedding anniversary and I wish he was still here with me to celebrate seven years married and fourteen years together.

But It's MY House

It's been almost three years that Wyoming and I have been together.  We are currently still in a long distance relationship but we are talking more about him coming to live in San Diego and what that will look like.

He would like to be able to move in with me.  But I don't want him to live with me.  I know that's not quite fair to him.  He is the one leaving his friends and family, leaving his job, and moving to a city he's never lived in.  He is the one who would have to find a new job.  He is the one that is sacrificing a lot for us to be together.  I do feel bad that he is giving up so much to make our relationship work but I still don't want him to move in with me.

I've thought a lot about why I don't want him to move in with me.  I've come up with a few reasons  I don't want him to move into my house and the main reason is that I think we need to start a life together and I'm not sure I can do that in the same house I had a life with Jeff.

I bought my house by myself before Jeff and I were married.  As a young single female, I was very proud and very possessive of my house and I still feel the same way.  When Jeff moved in with me, I didn't allow him a say in pretty much anything regarding the house.  I chose the paint colors, I chose the concrete pattern and color for the backyard, I chose to put in hard wood floors, I chose to put in synthetic grass, I chose all of the furniture and what went on the walls.  Jeff didn't have a say in any of that, but Jeff also didn't seem to care.  I think he was kind of happy that he didn't have to make any of those decisions.

Wyoming is different.  He has some clothes and personal belongings in my house already but they are put away out of site for the most part.  He has very little in my closet.  He does have his motorcycle in my garage and that actually annoys me, when I know very well that it shouldn't.  What this all tells me is that I don't want Wyoming to change any part of my house, which is extremely unfair to him.  I am aware of that.  He should have the ability to come into the place he is going to call home and make it his own.  But my mentality is that the house is mine and mine alone.  Not a good mentality when you are starting a life with another person.

My solution is for Wyoming and I to develop the land I bought and put a house on it that will be ours together.  We will both have a say in all parts of the house and we will work as a team.  I will not have the right to make decisions regarding our home all by myself.

Wyoming doesn't want to wait to develop the land and build a house to move to San Diego.  He thinks it's unfair for him to sacrifice so much and worry about finding a place to live and paying rent for an apartment while we are developing the land and he is looking for a job.  My answer to that is that we need to wait before he moves here, but he is tired of being long distance.

We are at a standstill.