Pandemic Life Check In

    It's been quite a while since I've posted anything and I thought I should check in and give a little update on how my life has been going since my last post.

    I am still teaching PE, although I have not taught a full year of PE on campus.  As everyone knows, the nation started shutting down in March last year due to Covid-19 and my school was no exception.  It has been almost a year and we have still not returned to campus with students.  I am currently teaching PE online/distance learning, which is interesting to say the least.

    Our students are not required to turn their video cameras on while in our live class sessions so that makes teaching exercises difficult but I have found interesting platforms like flipgrid, time lapse video, and other "work arounds" to be able to assess students when they refuse to turn on their cameras.  Essentially, I teach to 51 blank screens while I attempt to show the correct form of exercises, stretches, etc.  I have no idea if my students are laying in bed, playing video games, at the beach, watching TV,  or doing whatever else teenagers do while I am instructing but there is nothing I can do about that right now and am hoping this is only temporary and we will be back to "normal" soon.  We widows know the definition of going back to "normal" very well at this point.

    I am still with "Wyoming."  We have been together a little over five years now.  We are slowly but surely making progress on building our "dream house" on the land I bought almost 4 years ago.  But instead of living in the trailer on the land, he is living with me.  That was a struggle to overcome having him move into the house that Jeff and I shared and where Jeff died but it is what it is.

    This last December marked 8 years of Jeff being gone.  My grief since my mom died has been complex to say the least.  December is a mine field for me now with Jeff's anniversary and the grief I have around the holidays regarding my mom.  I miss her constantly but I really miss the traditions we shared together around the holidays.

    I try and surround myself with positive people who help me through tough times.  I try to think of what I am grateful for every night before I go to sleep.  I continue to exercise regularly and eat healthy (not so regularly but I try).  I haven't been to therapy since the pandemic began but I seem to be doing ok.  I plan on going back to therapy once we are physically able to again.

    Overall, my life is good.  I am happy.

Another Change

I decided to go in a different direction in my teaching career.  An opportunity fell in my lap the last day of the school year last year and I decided to try something new.  I've taught all different levels of English for 15 years (from English Language Learners to Advanced Placement Literature and Composition) and now I'm teaching Physical Education full time.

I always wanted to be a PE teacher since I coached two Varsity sports since the age of 19, but when I first started going to school to become a teacher, it was practically impossible to get hired in PE.  Everyone told me to get my teaching credential in a core subject (math, science, history, English) so I would have a better chance of being hired immediately (and be able to start paying off all of my student debt).

I always liked to read so I switched my major my junior year in college to English Literature.  I was hired immediately after finishing student teaching.

Throughout the last 15 years of teaching English and putting in so many extra hours with planning and grading (time I missed out on with Jeff), I kept dreaming about maybe one day getting a PE credential and teaching PE.  But there were rarely any openings and they were usually at schools I wasn't interested in.

I had to make the decision to switch from English to PE in less than 24 hours and was worried that I would regret my decision of switching.  Instead of a very controlled environment with 36-40 students sitting in desks in a classroom, I would have to herd 51 crazy kids running around like wild things and attempt to teach them how to play 8 different sports.  Would I be able to handle moving around and carrying all kinds of equipment in the heat in the middle of summer, and cold and rain in the middle of the winter all day long since the middle school I currently work at still doesn't have a gym?  How am I supposed to give quizzes to my students on the state standards that they are learning without desks and the other trappings of a typical classroom?

But then I remembered that the universe gives us opportunities and we can either refuse what it's offering or jump on board and go for it.  The worst thing that could happen would be that I would have a rough year and then apply for an English position again.  So I cleaned out my classroom of years of materials and lesson plans, gave everything away to some brand new English teachers who are just starting out and accepted what the universe was offering.

I regret nothing.

We are almost 9 weeks into the school year (I work at a year round calendar school) and I have loved almost every minute of it.  Don't get me wrong, we all have hard days and certain challenges that arise, but compared to teaching reluctant kids to analyze texts and write essays, let alone grade all of it, PE has been a dream.  It has definitely been a transition.  Giving my first quiz was rough and I have had to reflect and try different strategies.  The heat has been almost unbearable and I'm physically exhausted daily.  But I feel like I am "getting into shape" and leave work everyday tired but with a smile.

People on my campus are still coming up to me surprised that I made the switch and I am still getting emails for help with all things English related.  They all say how sad it is that I am not going to be teaching English anymore because I was such a strong teacher, but I don't see it that way.  I'm still teaching and I'm still a strong teacher.  I feel like in PE I've been able to connect with the students more.  They engage with me and I get to know their personalities better in PE.  I smile and laugh a lot more and am not as stressed out.

I'm sad that Jeff isn't here with me now that I am almost halfway through my career and have a lot more free time, especially since I no longer coach.  He was with me the first 10 years of my career when I was working 12-15 hour days creating curriculum, grading, and coaching after school.  He rarely complained other than his one ultimatum that I wasn't allowed to bring home any grading, but because I didn't bring anything home, I was rarely home before 7 pm and usually ended up staying even later on Friday's and going in for a full 8 hours on Sundays.  Jeff always encouraged me and didn't mind that I had to stay late for my job.  He was always so supportive and understanding.  I hope he is smiling down on me now that I've finally achieved what I always wanted in my career.

Change is always stressful and switching from English to PE was and has been a little stressful but I know in the long run, this change is going to be a good one.

And even if it's not, I can always go back to endless essay grading if I needed to.

Memory Quilt

After a spouse dies, it falls on the survivors to figure out what to do with their belongings.  This is a very personal decision and what works for some does not work for all.  I asked everyone I knew, which wasn't very many people since there wasn't anyone close to any of my friends or family who had died in the last 15 years.  I asked my bereavement group members, I asked my therapist, I read every blog, brochure, and book I could get my hands on and each answer was a little different but ultimately stated that it was up to the living to decide what works best for them.

One of the options was to give things away to family and friends so I gave some things of Jeff's to the people I knew would appreciate them.

But what about the rest? I couldn’t even fathom the idea of throwing anything of Jeff's away and I also didn’t feel comfortable with donating his things so what I didn’t give away, I boxed up even though I didn't want to put my husband in a box.  Some of his stuff, especially some specific items of clothing had huge emotional meaning.

Another option I learned about was to make a memory quilt.  I learned how to quilt from a friend of mine whose mother is a master quilter with a long arm in Oklahoma.  I didn't feel I could emotionally handle making the memory quilt myself so she agreed to make a memory quilt of Jeff’s clothes. About a year and a half after Jeff died, I sat on my living room floor and cried as I went through the most worn and loved items of clothing he had. I continued to cry as I packed two big boxes of his stuff to send to Oklahoma.

A few weeks ago, I received Jeff’s memory quilt. It took almost 4 years to make. It was worth the wait.

It ended up being a king size quilt and absolutely stunning. The detail she included was unbelievable.  She took such care and put so much thought into this quilt.  The brown sashing in between the blocks was taken from his UPS uniforms and she included one of his UPS shirts.  She managed to put in his most worn shirts and shorts, some of his softball uniforms, and even the tie he wore at our wedding.  Every item of clothing all had so much meaning behind each one.

The quilt took up my entire living room floor.

Here's his UPS shirt.  You can see how worn the pocket is.

This is the tie he wore for our wedding and his favorite green shirt that she had to patch up because it had holes in it from being so worn out.  He loved that shirt.

I could include so many more up close pictures and go on and on telling stories about each one because each item of clothing had significant meaning behind it.  Seeing all of these items after four years brought up so many memories.  It almost felt like he walked back in the room.  The only thing missing was his smell and his laugh.

After I spread it out, I couldn't help myself, I just sat down on it and cried and cried.  A real ugly, gut-wrenching cry that just didn't stop.  Each time I would try to pull myself together I would see another little item and detail, and I would start all over again.

It was emotionally exhausting and very hard.  I eventually had to just fold it back up and store it back in a box.  I hope one day that I'll be able to display it.  I know that the more I'm exposed to it, the less sensitive I will be but after all this time, seeing all of these significant items of clothing is just too much.  Knowing how much care was taken in the making this special memory quilt hits me right in the heart.

I'm so grateful to her for taking such extraordinary care in creating this beautiful masterpiece.  It truly is a gift from heaven.

Oh, April

April is the beginning of springtime.  Plants are blooming, birds are chirping, the gloom of winter is fading and I'm forced to remember a time years ago when I was my happiest and nobody had died yet.

The beginning of April can be a little rough on me, since April 8th is my wedding anniversary and April 11th is my mom's birthday.

My wedding to Jeff was everything I could have hoped for.  We had a destination wedding that I had no part in planning so there was very little pressure or stress.  Jeff's mom planned and paid for every detail so all we had to do was show up, do as we were told, and have fun with our friends.  Writing that makes me sound like a child even though I was 31 and he was 35, but because we didn't want to plan or pay for a wedding, his parents stepped in and took over.  My mom was still recovering from planning my sister's epic multi-day wedding so she was happy to allow Jeff's mom to plan our wedding.

It was glorious.  Everything turned out beautifully and all of the before and after wedding activities were a blast.  Friends and family all said how much fun our wedding was (I'm sure my mother-in-law and father-in-law might have been a little stressed out).

The best thing about it all was that Jeff and I were able to truly enjoy the experience and each other since we really weren't responsible for anything.  My wedding day was magical and wondrous.

We then celebrated my mom's birthday a few days after the wedding and then Jeff and I were able to go on our fantastic Caribbean honeymoon without having to clean up any mess or deal with any extra bills.

Now, I sit back and reminisce about that wonderful time in my life.  Mostly everyone I loved and cared about, who was important to me at the time, was there at that specific moment to celebrate with me.  Everyone was in good health and nobody was sick.  Jeff and I were happy and healthy.  My mom was alive and well.

I truly was lucky.

I still am lucky.

I'm lucky because I was able to have that opportunity with Jeff and my mom who are no longer with me now.  I was able to experience the love from people I cared about.  Some people never get to have something like that so I am grateful for those experiences as well as the people I loved and who loved me.

Even though I get sad and nostalgic at the beginning of April, it reminds me that I need to remember how lucky I was and still am to have had someone like Jeff love me and to have had the best mother anyone could ask for.  It allows me to be grateful for all those people I still have in my life who love and care about me as well.

April and spring are the opportunities for new beginnings and I need to remember to embrace every moment and not focus on what I did have but what I still am able to have an opportunity to gain.

This Widow's Experience with Young Living

I have had a handful of people ask me about Young Living from this post if you missed it.

I just want to make sure that before anyone starts using essential oils, that you choose quality oils (like those from Young Living or another reputable company) and that you check with your doctor if you have any immunity issues or pre-existing conditions.

If you are interested in joining my Young Living community, the most affordable option is to become a member and buy one of the premium starter kits.  If you choose to become a member you will be able to buy oils at the wholesale price instead of the retail price.  But if you just want to give it a try, you can still buy without becoming a member, you just pay the full retail price.

When I first started buying Young Living oils I did not become a member right away.  It took me about two years before I actually bought my premium starter kit.  I just wanted one or two oils and wasn't interested in investing too much money.  I paid retail for the couple of oils I wanted.  When I started doing more and more research on essential oils, I went back to Young Living and bought a few more oils at retail price.

I finally realized that I could save a lot of money by becoming a member because I wanted so many more oils.  I wish I would have bought the premium starter kit to begin with.  All that matters now is that I am saving money on oils I would be buying at retail prices now that I can get them at wholesale prices.

You could also check out other reputable essential oil companies such as doTERRA or Floracopeia too.  You don't only have to buy from Young Living.  Just be sure to do your research and make sure you aren't buying low quality oils.

One of the reasons I chose Young Living over other essential oil companies was that I became a part of the Young Living community when I joined (which you will also be a part of if you use the link provided here) and I'm not on my own looking through a ton of different books or websites for help using essential oils.  We have a "secret" Facebook group that has over 1,000 members and everyone shares ideas and "recipes" for common problems that essential oils help with.  This has helped me so much.

If you do want to join and you need help signing up or help with which premium starter kit to choose, you can email me as well and I can help you with the sign up process and the starter kit that is right for you.  But even if you don't want to join my community, if you want to learn about "recipes" that can help with allergies, common colds, bronchitis, feeling run down, insomnia, weight loss support, sore throat, and coughs.  Just send me an email and I can share those with you.

Again, please do not feel you have to buy essential oils only through Young Living.  There are other essential oil companies out there that produce high quality oils as well.  You  just need to find the brand that works best for your needs and budget.

Unwilling Refugee

Valentine's Day would have been fifteen years with Jeff.  We officially decided to become exclusive on Valentine's Day, 2004.  We were married seven years later and he was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer on his birthday a year an a half after we were married.  He died fourteen months after diagnosis.  I recently read this quote:

“It’s when the drama is over and you face the grey mudflats of the future that the real widowhood begins... You don’t ‘get over’ the man, though you do after a year or two get over the death; but you have to learn to live in another country in which you’re an unwilling refugee.”

- Writer and agony aunt Katharine Whitehorn, who lost her husband in 2003 after 45 years of marriage.

I don't know if I am holding on too tight or not, but I don't think I have gotten over his death, even after five years.  I constantly wonder what our life would be like if he had not died five years ago.  I'm not naive to the fact that a lot can change in five years, people can change, and our relationship would probably have been different, I'm sure we would have experienced our struggles, but I do truly believe that we would have stayed together.  

I do know in my heart that he would not have handled all of the death in my family very well.  Sometimes I honestly believe that it was better for Jeff to have died before Mom got sick.  I think my mother's sickness and subsequent death would have affected him greatly and he would have struggled mightily with that.  

At times, I find it really hard for me to celebrate the milestones in my own life without reminding myself that Jeff is not here with me.  

I know this is my guilt monster.  I keep expecting my guilt monster to go away but maybe it never will.  Maybe my guilt monster will plague me forever and I just need to continue to battle and keep it at bay.

What I do know is that I miss my husband.  I miss my husband and I miss my mother.  I wonder if my mother hadn't gotten sick and died soon after Jeff died, I might be further along in my grief process.  They were both just so important to me that the loss of both of them continues to make me unbearably sad.

Widowed at 34

On December 29th, 2013 my husband died.  With his death, I became a 34 year old widow.

I'm assuming that like all widow's, this was not a title we wanted but we also weren't given a choice.  What we do have a choice about is how we are going to spend the rest of our time now that our partner is gone.

Since Jeff's death, there have been four other deaths in my family.  Five people have died in five years.  That is a lot of loss and a lot of grief.  We hadn't had a death in the family for twenty years until Jeff died.  I would consider us all lucky in that respect.

I'm not going to say that I've used all of my time since his death wisely.  I have made quite a few mistakes.  But it's not the fall that counts, it's how a person picks themselves up and continues the journey.  I have learned a lot of hard lessons, some I didn't think I would be able to recover from, but looking back I've also learned some really good steps to take care of myself because of those lessons.  During this past holiday season and into this sixth year of my husband's death, I'm consciously trying to remember to follow these steps.

These last five years the holidays have been hard for me, mainly because Jeff died right after Christmas.  Before his death, I always loved Christmas.  My family has very strong traditions and because I'm a teacher, I've always had at least two weeks off for the holiday and have been able to truly enjoy it.  My mom and I would spend a couple of full days decorating her house and then we would spend at least two full days baking cookies.  It became a big deal because we would end up backing hundreds and hundreds of cookies.  My dad used to complain that we were out of control.  The year Jeff got sick, I couldn't bake because he was in the hospital right before Christmas and the following year after he was gone, I just was not in the right frame of mind to bake and my mom had to do it on her own.  I pretty much haven't baked Christmas cookies since.  I'm not sure if or when I will again, now that Mom is gone too.

This year, now that Wyoming is here permanently, I've definitely been struggling with all sorts of emotions, most of all, my guilt monster.  I decided to go back and reread my favorite widow blogger, the blogger who got me through the first two years and who I looked up to for her strength and honesty.  Her husband died suddenly when she was 29 and she is now remarried with two children and hasn't written on her blog since 2016.

I am in such a good place in my life (I have a great job, I'm in a loving relationship, I have awesome friends and family I'm close to, I live in a fantastic city) but for some reason I feel the need to punish myself by allowing guilt and sorrow to dull the happy times.

This specific post she wrote has helped me a lot.  Her blog reminds me that it is ok to move forward, to love another, and to be happy, which is something that I've been struggling with a lot since Wyoming has moved in with me.

How many of us talk ourselves into the "truth" that our dead spouses would want us to be happy now, or how many of us have heard others tell us the same thing?  We and others are constantly trying to tell us that it is ok to move forward.  But that emotional tie is so difficult to overcome. 

I am no longer a 34 year old widow, I'm now a 39 year old widow in a relationship with someone I think I could spend the rest of my life with, as long as he doesn't die too.  People give me a hard time when I say something like that, but it's hard to look at things the same way I did before death changed my views.

That's why so many of us call it a "club."  Those who haven't experienced the death of a spouse just don't understand how it irreparably changes your outlook on life in some way.  We are just not the same person we used to be.  The void will always be there and that void has altered us in a way that not everyone can understand.

I am no longer a 34 year old widow.  But five years later I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate the loss of my husband.