Stupid Guilt Monster

I had another attack from my guilt monster.

I am leaving tonight for a long weekend with the Apple Guy.  He has planned a very fun trip for us.  We will be hiking in Big Sur and then driving down the coast and staying in really cute boutique hotels.  I was very, very excited about it...until my guilt monster attacked me.

I woke up to a massive panic attack this morning.  At first I thought I was nauseous because I ate something bad last night but I soon realized the familiar symptoms of a panic attack.  I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was having this panic attack but I soon realized it was because I feel guilty for moving forward.  My guilt monster caused this panic attack.  I was trying to get ready for work but once I realized what was causing the panic attack, I started crying in my kitchen and just couldn't seem to stop.  

I have been having quite a bit of fun dating and enjoying the attention.  I have discovered that I quite enjoy first dates...it's the potential of a second and third date that makes me nervous.

But my guilt monster reared it's ugly head and reminded me that I shouldn't be having this much fun, I shouldn't be attracted to other men, I shouldn't be going on this long romantic weekend with the Apple Guy.  It kept telling me that I should be at home alone because Jeff is gone and he deserves to have me mourn him for the rest of my life.

I immediately thought that Jeff was mad at me for dating, for having so much fun, and for being attracted to other men, especially because Apple Guy will no longer be just a first date anymore after this long weekend, we are definitely moving into second, third, and forth dates all in one weekend.

Should I even be going on this trip?  My guilt monster tells me that I should not.

But I cannot let the monster win.

I really hope that Jeff would be happy for me and would never want me to be depressed, unhappy, and alone.  This guilt monster is a hard monster to fight, but I am trying valiantly.  It is a sneaky monster but I am starting to figure out it's tricks.  I just wish it would leave me alone.