A List to Jeff

In a way, I feel like I died when Jeff died. 

Jeff was the love of my life...but since that life is over...I have the possibility of having a new love of my life...but it's so hard for me to understand how I can love Jeff so much still, yet love Wyoming so much as well.

It is said that widow's and widower's need to find their new normal, their new purpose, their new life.  So I am living a new life.  I was forced to be reborn.  I am learning to love someone new.

When I decided to start really thinking about dating back in January, I made a list of six things that I wanted in my next partner.  I wrote this in my journal where I wrote my letters to Jeff.  I recently went and found this journal because I remember thinking that Wyoming met most of the things on the list and when I found the list and reread it, he not only fit some but all.  Wyoming meets all six criteria from my list. 

I am now realizing that one of the best things about Wyoming that is not on my list of criteria is that he is just so understanding and patient and not threatened with me and my grief.  I will be having a complete and total meltdown over Jeff and how much I miss him and how guilty I feel and Wyoming just rolls with it.  He supports me and comforts me and does not seem threatened at all by my grief and love for Jeff.

This last meltdown happened on Jeff's birthday while I was in Vegas.  I was totally fine and then all of a sudden something triggered the grief and I was a blubbering, sobbing, snot-covered mess.  As usual, I called Wyoming and he was his typical, steadfast rock helping me through it all.

I truly believe that Jeff understands and knows how difficult it has been for me since he's been gone.  Maybe Jeff saw my list and helped find a man who could meet all the criteria from my list and even things that I didn't even know I needed. Wyoming really is someone very special.

I just think it's funny that Jeff had to go all the way to Wyoming to find him!

Happy 40th Birthday Bober!

This weekend is Jeff's 40th birthday.  A few of his friends also have birthdays in October and it is a tradition to go out to Vegas every year to celebrate everybody's birthdays. 

We will be celebrating Jeff and everybody else who has a birthday in October this weekend.

I'm leaving on a jet plane to Vegas tonight.  Get ready Vegas! 

Over 100 blog posts!

I can't believe I've published over 100 blog posts!  I am very proud of myself and I hope that what I have written has helped people in the same way other bloggers have helped me.

I never really thought of myself as a super optimistic person.  I can be very cynical, sarcastic, harsh and blunt.  But after reading though the 100 blog posts I've published, I've noticed that I try very hard to look at the bright side of things, especially in the widow situation.  Don't get me wrong, I have my dark moments, and sometimes those moments last for weeks but I try really hard to come out of that by remembering how fortunate I am in life in general.

So, I have to say that not only am I proud of myself for writing and publishing over 100 posts, I'm also proud of myself for trying to look on the bright side of things.

For fun, here are some of the most common (and cliche) quotes about looking at the bright side of things:

• When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
• There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.
• Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
• Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
• You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down.

Enjoy life!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Why Would You EVER Mention Your Spouse's Name on a Date?

Oh c'mon.

Don't you know better?

That guy (or girl) doesn't want to hear about it.  All of your past experiences?  Your life?  

He doesn't want to hear about how your husband stood by you while you studied and worked for a degree.  She doesn't want to hear about that moment when your children were born.

He could care less about the moment you met.

She doesn't like it when you mention your wife.  At all.

Why would you ever consider sharing your life with 

someone who doesn't care about...your life?

This Widow Chick post resonated with me specifically because one of my friends and I got into a heated discussion about her disapproval of me dating Wyoming.

She literally asked me why I share information about Jeff's life and my life with Jeff with him.  How could I even think about telling him about such private information?  The look on her face was shocking to me as she was wholeheartedly repulsed at the idea of being so open and vulnerable about my life and Jeff with this man that I'm trying to spend my life with.  It was like she thought it was a betrayal or something.

Obviously I responded by saying that I was trying to start a relationship with him, why wouldn't I want him to know about Jeff and my life with Jeff?!

I also have to reflect right now about what a difference a year makes. I spent my birthday this year with Wyoming, traveling around Wyoming and South Dakota, checking out things I've never seen before like Devils Tower, Crazy Horse, and Mt. Rushmore.  We stayed at some awesome hotels, Victorian Inns, and little cottages. He took me to some fantastic restaurants. I smiled this year on my birthday instead of crying.

What a difference a year makes.  I feel like I've grown so much in a year which allowed me to be in a space in which to be vulnerable and open for love.

Why would I consider sharing my life and my life with Jeff with Wyoming?  What am I thinking?  I'm thinking I have a fearless heart.

Signs or Just Coincidence?

I just recently finished reading a novel called The Hypnotist's Love Story by Liane Moriarty.  This is just one of the many novels my sister gave me months ago and I just got around to reading it.

In the last few months I have finally started reading for pleasure again.  For a long time, all I was reading was grief literature in all kinds of different forms.  I gave a "snippet" of just some of the grief literature I have read in a previous blog.

The Hypnotist's Love Story is not a novel about grief per se, but it does have a widower in the story as one of the major characters.  This particular passage caught my eye:

"Colleen told me I'd fall in love again, and have more babies, and I said I wouldn't.  I said I'd never be happy again.  But I am.  Sometimes I think, actually, this is better than it ever was with Colleen.  It's deeper, it's more grown-up.  It's just...better.  Then I thank God and the Internet that I met you!  And then I feel bad for Colleen, because it's like I'm thinking, thank God she died...Don't you ever have thoughts that totally contradict each other?  Isn't it possible to feel one thing one day and the opposite the next?  And the stupid thing is, when I have those thoughts, I feel like I should make up for it to Colleen by remembering all the good times I had with her.  As penance.  So the better it is with you, the more I think about her."

It's either been a very large coincidence or there are actually signs that I have been watching and reading all of these things recently (Widow Chick, Young Widowed and Rebuilding, Real Housewives of New York, The Hypnotist's Love Story) that are helping guide my feelings regarding my guilt of moving forward with my life, particularly with Wyoming.  My guilt monster is fighting very hard to win but these "signs" keep emerging.

I really do feel that it is Jeff telling me it is ok to move forward and be truly happy again.

Widow Chick Does it Again!

Holy poop, Widow Chick is literally reading my mind!

I've been trying to deal with all that has been going on with my friends and my decisions about trying to move forward and she (again!) hit it out of the park with this last post of hers.

Since she says it so much better than me, I'm just going to let her speak and nod my head enthusiastically and shout "YES!" and "EXACTLY!"

Another Real Housewives of New York Post

I find so much comfort in hearing other widows' experiences and how they are dealing with widowhood, how it has affected their lives, how they handle guilt, how it has changed them, and how they have ultimately moved forward or even stayed stagnant.  It reminds me that I'm not alone in my grief.

I watched "The Real Housewives of New York" reunion and Carole and Dorinda talked candidly about their experiences as widows again.

Dorinda spoke about how her and Richard had a talk before he died that she shouldn't do the whole "Queen Victoria" thing where she walks around in black because he told her that she likes people and she likes love and she likes companionship and she did fulfill her vows till death did them part and she did them correctly.

Then Carole shares that she envies Dorinda that conversation because denial doesn't outlast death but with Anthony it really did, so they never got to have that conversation about moving on.  He wasn't accepting that he was going to die and he was fighting until the very, very end, so there was no conversation about moving on.

Jeff, like Anthony, fought and denied until the very end.  We thought he was going to get out of that bed and keep fighting when he first got home from the hospital.  And we kept thinking that until there literally was no more conversation, until he slipped into a coma and couldn't speak anymore.  Then it was too late to have the conversation.  

I have a lot of guilt about moving forward because we didn't have that conversation.

People say that he wouldn't want me to be alone.  Leaving me alone was the only thing he was upset about, the only thing that he actually expressed to me regarding him dying, he said that he just didn't want to leave me alone.

Because I never got to hear him say that it was ok to move forward with another person, I worry a lot about whether or not he really would want me to move forward and love again the way I loved him, or if he just didn't want to leave me alone.

My guilt monster is an evil beast.  I wonder if I was able to have that conversation with Jeff, like Dorinda had with Richard about moving forward after he died, would I even have a guilt monster?