It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  My first birthday without Jeff.

I woke up this morning feeling ok, but now I'm feeling pretty sad.  I had a nice good cry already.

As I'm trying to figure out what is making me sad, I just keep trying to remind myself that all the reasons for being sad are pretty selfish and irrational.  I have been so fortunate with all those close to me rallying around to make my birthday a happy one.

Yesterday, my sister and girlfriends threw me a high tea for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things.  I had a high tea for my bridal shower.  Last year, we went to high tea for my birthday at this awesome English tea house.  My friends and sister worked very hard to throw me one at my sister's house yesterday.  My sister went all out and had four different kinds of teas and made all of the food herself.  I felt very special.  Yesterday was a good day.

But today, I just can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I got a bunch of chores done around the house today so I wouldn't have to do them on my actual birthday tomorrow, but as I was doing them I was having a pity party.  If Jeff was still here, I would be sharing these chores or not even doing them at all because it's my birthday weekend.  We would have gone out to a nice dinner and I would have gotten some very thoughtful gift.  He always did such a good job on my birthday.

Tomorrow, I have already scheduled my day.  I will go to a Pilates class in the morning, then treat myself to a movie, then I have plans to go out to dinner with some girlfriends.  Actually, this entire week I have plans with someone to either go out to dinner or lunch for my birthday.  I am definitely loved.

My family and friends are so awesome, which is why I feel guilty for being sad.  I know I have a right to be sad and miss Jeff on my birthday but I also need to remember to not focus on the negative and focus on the positive and remember all the love I do have in my life, even though the love of my life is gone.

So I've already cried today.  I'm about to leave for a dinner party and I'm hoping that will distract and cheer me up.  I will try very hard to have a good day tomorrow and be happy the rest of the week. 

But since it's my birthday, I feel like I have the right to cry if I want to and then do everything I can to remember that I have one big thing to cry about, but so many other things to smile and laugh about.