Always Good Tips

I'm reading a book called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair.

I still find reading grief literature and widow blogs helpful.  Some of the following tips I remember focusing on in my early stages of grief and some of these are just strong reminders of what I still need to focus on:

• If you need isolation for a while that's ok.  You will be with people when you are ready
• Find a safe place to "go crazy" if you want to.  Go yell in the woods, throw rocks at trees, swear at the TV, punch a pillow, or wear the deceased clothes to sleep.
• Be kind to yourself.  Perfection is not necessary; there is no arriving, only going.  There is no need to judge where you are in your journey.  It is enough that you are traveling.
• Make a commitment to your future.  Commitment enables you to bypass all your fears, mental escapes and justifications, so that you can face whatever you are experiencing in the moment.
• Get out of your own way.  The main block to healing from loss is the thought we shouldn't be where we are, that we should already be further along in our growth that we perceive ourselves to be.  Let these expectations go.
• Affirm yourself.  Who you were and who you will be are insignificant compared to who you are.
• Fear is not always a bad thing. If you allow yourself to experience fear fully without trying to push it away, an inner shift takes place that initiates transformation. 

Hopefully some of these tips are helpful not only in the grieving process but in life in general.

Investment Opportunity

I met with my financial advisor last week.  I feel like meeting with her is similar to therapy.  Finances are a difficult thing to discuss.  It's hard to take a look at what I've spent this last year, how much (or little) I have saved, and trying to plan for the future.

She has been telling me for the last two years that I really need to invest in another property since  buying the right property is one of the best ways to ensure a comfortable retirement.  I feel there is a lot of risk involved in having only one income and being the sole person responsible for multiple mortgages.  But I know she is right.  Uncle Sam is eating up too much of my money and I need to make my money work for me.

We ended up compromising.  Instead of another property, we decided I could invest in land.  That way, I don't have to worry about renters and upkeep and all of that in the immediate future.  There is an up and coming area that is undeveloped and if I get in while the land is still cheap, I could one day either develop that land or parcel it off and sell it.

Now, I am scheduled to meet with a realtor this week to begin looking for land to invest in.  But I am having some anxiety over this.  Not only am I worried about choosing the wrong piece of land and it potentially being worth less later on, but I'm also feeling guilt over the idea that the only reason I am able to invest on my own like this is because my husband died and his life insurance money is paying for this investment.  I could either make the wrong decision and waste his life insurance money or make the right investment and prosper off of his life insurance money.  Either way, it's because he's dead.  None of that sits well with me.

The level headed side of me knows that I need to make this money work for me, that it's not my fault that Jeff died, that my life needs to go on.  But the emotional side of me balks at the idea of losing any of the money or potentially profiting from it.  The only reason I have this money is because my husband is dead.  It's just a lot to deal with.

I know I am in a good position and there are plenty of other widows out there whose husbands didn't have life insurance and they are screaming at this post for whining like I am.  But I would rather have my husband back then have this money.

I guess since I can't have my husband back, I need to just put my big girl panties on and buy land and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when other widows are in a much worse situation.

40 Things Your Soul Wants You to Know

Below are 40 things your soul wants you to know taken from this site:

1. Some people talk with you in their free time, and some free their time to talk with you.  Today, and every day, you can be the latter to the people you love.
2. The smallest act of kindness is always worth more than the grandest intention.
3. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
4. Sometimes you have to be kind to others, not because they’re nice, but because you are.
5. If you want others to be happy, you can practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, you can practice compassion.
6. When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
7. It usually isn’t what you have or where you are or what you’re doing that makes you happy or unhappy.  It’s how you think about it all.
8. Happiness is not a reaction or a result.  It is a choice made in the moment.  Let it be yours.  (Read The Power of Now.)
9. Much of what holds you back is the fact that you keep negative experiences of the past alive in your mind.  Let them GO!
10. You may be tired, or disappointed, or annoyed, or uncomfortable.  No matter what, your best option right now is to move positively forward.
11. It costs nothing to be positive.  And it changes things for the better.
12. No matter how much time you feel you have wasted or lost, it’s never too late to make the very most of the moment you’re in right now.
13. On particularly hard days when you feel that you can’t endure, remind yourself that your track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far.
14. Your “I CAN” is more important than your IQ.
15. Just focus on the step you’re taking now.  Honestly, that’s all life is – small steps that you take every day, and then one day when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some serious distance.
16. You will not fail.  Either you get the result you desire, or you learn what works and what doesn’t for next time.
17. Look at your problems as problems, and they will continue to hold you back.  See them instead as opportunities in disguise, and they will be.
18. Consider the possibility that the little obstacles in your life are not obstacles at all, but stepping-stones.
19. Success is not the absence of failure.  Success is what happens when you choose to take the next step and move on, beyond failure.
20. It’s easy for people on the sidelines to doubt and judge you when they aren’t taking any risks themselves.  Don’t let them get to you.  They may call you crazy when you’re just getting started but they’ll label you a genius once you’ve succeeded.
21. Don’t be afraid to provoke the status quo.  Maybe some of your ideas are crazy.  But crazy ideas are what shake the world.
22. You can’t always wait for the ideal moment.  Sometimes you must dare to do it because life’s too short to regret and wonder what could’ve been.
23. Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind.  It’s difficult to follow your heart, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.
24. The minute you understand that you can be weird and mold life your own way, you allow yourself to shake off the erroneous notion that life is just there, and that you’re just going to exist in it, rather than embrace it, change it, improve it, and truly live it.
25. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect and attention that you should be showing yourself.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
26. Open yourself up.  Allow yourself to feel, to be mindful and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.
27. Eat like you love yourself.  Move like you love yourself.  Speak like you love yourself.  Live like you love yourself.  Today!
28. The curious paradox of life is that when you accept yourself just as you are, right where you are, only then can you change and grow.
29. Don’t let the idea of being rejected stop you from affirming what’s important to you.  The right people will respect you more and hold you in higher regard if you’re honest and rigorous about your principles and values.
30. What you allow is what will continue.  It’s better to be lonely for a while than allow negative people and their opinions derail you from your destiny.
31. Let people take you as you are, or not at all.  By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before.  And this helps everyone who’s worth helping (including YOU).
32. One of the very hardest parts of loving someone: You have to give things up for them.  And sometimes, you even have to give them up.
33. Never force anything.  Give it your best shot, and then let it be.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.  Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control.  (Read Loving What Is.)
34. Consider the fact that being wrong is OK, and then admit that you are wrong when you are.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, it takes strength to admit it, but it makes you more humble and commendable.  And even more importantly, realize that when you’re wrong, you’re meant to be wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow.
35. Old worries are down payments on problems you may never have.  Let them go.  Today is always a new beginning; take a deep breath and begin again.
36. There comes a time when you have to stop thinking about your mistakes and move on.  No regrets in life – just lessons that show you the way.
37. Remember the good times, be strong during tough times, love always, laugh often, live honestly, and be thankful for each new day.
38. If you are diligent and patient, everything you truly need in your life will come to you at the right time.
39. Look at how far you’ve come.  You have made progress.  And now, imagine how far you can go.
40. Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know it’s all worthwhile.

It's good to write some of these down on post-its and stick them where you can see them daily.  They can become positive affirmations during stressful times.

My Guilt Monster Hasn't Killed Me

This post by Poor Widow Me had me thinking about my own guilt monster.  Poor Widow Me's way of thinking really helps me in fighting my guilt monster.

Die of a Broken Heart? Not me - I'd Rather Be Run Over By A Bus!

The other night an old friend said: "My mother passed away ten years ago.  Within six months my Dad died, too.  He died of a broken heart."

I asked her how old he was.  "84" was her answer.  I felt a mean smile coming on so I picked up my wine glass to hide behind.  Since my lips were hovering by the rim I took several quick sips.   Now the Cabernet buzz made my big mouth blurt out:

"Well, at 84 anything can happen.  It's almost a decade past life expectancy."

Her face contorted like I had smacked her.  She moved her head from side to side as if to shake out my stinging words.  

"There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him!" 

Was she trying to convince me, herself or a jury? 

Fortunately for us both the mature part of me woke up and whispered, "What are you doing, Carol?  She's been romantasizing her father's death for years. Must you destroy that to make a point?"  I almost answered, "Yes, I must!"  But, I didn't. I let it go. 

It didn't let go of me, though.  I fretted the rest of the weekend. It was a natural weekend to fret, though.  Jimmy will be gone four years tomorrow, the 13th. The week, or few days before a death anniversary brings me back to a more vunerable place.

This dying of a broken heart question actually was nicely timed.
Why waste depression?

And why was this such a strong issue for me?  I thought Friendly's Chocolate Cookie Dough ice-cream might hold the answer. It did!  Halfway into my third scoop I had a brain freeze, and when I winced it sent me a message. 

I DIDN'T DIE WHEN JIMMY DIED.  MAYBE MY HEART WASN'T BROKEN.  MAYBE IT WAS JUST CRACKED! GOD, MY HEAD HURTS!

But, that thought and brain freeze only lasted a moment or two. By the time I put my dish in the dishwasher I was free of them both. 

Human beings keep breathing.  This is what we do. We suffer all sorts of bad stuff in our lives and like my fortune cookie told me: "A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."  I'd like to think this goes for men, too.

Still, I began to ask around.  My friend, whose parents are both in their 80's, told me she was sure if her Mom went first her Dad would die in a few months.  "Oh, please," I said, "Don't put that kind of pressure on him."

Today I posted, "Can you die of a broken heart? (literally) to my Facebook friends - 25 widows and widowers responded YES although I tried to point out that they were alive enough to type.  Some insisted that medically it's a fact - Grieving makes your immune system break down.  Yes, so maybe you'll get a cold or the flu.

Finally, Mickey, (a widower) wrote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  If you don't believe that you're not dying of a broken heart, you're committing suicide." 

Doesn't that sound sane?

Let's stop this knee jerk reaction and take a step towards healing. In an effort to support one another through rough times are we really helping or feeding that "Poor Widow Me" mentality? 

Personally, I don't want the legacy of being so weak that I died of a broken heart.  I'd rather be hit by a bus...on the way to a party.

I'm with Poor Widow Me, I'd rather be hit by a bus than be killed by my guilt monster!   

What a Whirlwind Summer

Well, it's a new school year. Another reminder that time just keeps on ticking.

I've had a great summer break filled with lots of different things.

I got to spend some good quality time with my mom, helping her go through her things and figure out who to give things to and what to donate.  Overall, it's a sad experience because this needed to be done since she's dying and she wants to be able to complete this chore so we don't have to do it after she's gone. 

It was hard, sweaty work going through closets and boxes and bags of stuff. But I tried to push the sad feelings back and enjoy the nostalgic moments we shared. Some of the items and clothes I had never seen before or didn't remember so she was able to tell me her story about them or remind me about them.  Some of the stuff was from my childhood, especially since my sister and I both came home from the hospital to that house and spent our entire lives there until we moved out on our own. It was a good experience with no crying, just a lot of laughter and love and I'm eternally grateful I got to do this "chore" with her.  I realize that this might become my most treasured memory that she could give me.

I got to do a lot of traveling this summer as well: Estes Park, Las Vegas, Denver, Julian, and of course, Wyoming.  I also went camping three times.  I didn't think I would enjoy camping at all but it kind of grew on me.  I have definitely realized that two nights of camping, even with an air mattress, is my max!

I went through enormous stacks of documents deciding what needed to be shredded and what needed to be filed. Not a fun job but a necessary one.  Once it was done and those stacks of papers aren't cluttering the counter tops and piled up in the garage, that purge, felt good and I feel lighter now that it's finally completed.

I still had a couple of things on my necessary to-do list that didn't get done, like going to the dentist, going to the doctor for my annual checkup, and updating my will, which hasn't been changed since Jeff died.  I guess those things will need to be fit in during the school year or moved to my fall break to-do list.

Overall, I had a fantastic whirlwind six week summer break filled with a ton of fun and a sprinkling of necessary chores.  I think that was a good balance.

Now it's over and I'm back to fresh faced middle schoolers who will attempt to suck the life out of me.  But, just like my necessary summer chores, I'm ready for the challenge.

Bye, bye summer break!

Accepting Loss

"Whatever else, stabilizing your life means realizing that life as you knew it will never be the same.  The relationship you had, the person you loved, or the job you enjoyed are now gone.  Those relationships, people, and activities organized your life in certain ways.  Now that organization has changed.  To live in a new reality-based life, you must create a new vision based on how your loss has transformed you -  how the experience of loss has changed you as a person, as a partner, as a worker, and so on.  Only by accepting the loss and its consequences can you reach understanding, insight, and the potential to move on to the rest of your life.  And as you stabilize your life, you will once again experience the pleasures of living in ways that may have diminished during the grieving process."

-Aleta Koman
 How to Mend a Broken Heart - Letting Go and Moving On - Coping with Breakup - Separation, Divorce, Custody Disputes - Understanding the Stages of Loss - Stabilizing Your Life 

To File or Shred?

I've been meaning to go through multiple stacks of papers and file the necessary stuff and shred the rest.  I've actually been meaning to do it since before Jeff died.  But it's such a tedious job, that I've put it off for over 3 years.  It's been put off for too long.

One of the major stacks includes an enormous amount of documents regarding Jeff's medical records.  This has been exceptionally painful in deciding what to file and what to shred.

I no longer need documents about the hernia surgery he had way before the cancer diagnosis but how do I shred this memory of our life before cancer?

I no longer need all the appointment reminders, after care instructions, and summaries for the multiple doctor visits we attended for radiation, chemo, follow ups, etc.  But how do I shred these scraps of paper that were our lifelines to hope for a cure and normal life again?

I no longer need the disability paperwork that I had no idea Jeff took such extensive notes on in his distinctive handwriting. But how do I shred anything that has his handwriting on it?

I no longer need the handwritten notes and questions I wrote for our first oncology appointment.  This was the hardest one to read over, I was just so naïve back then. The questions I was asking, I realize now how unprepared I was for such devastating news.  I just didn't realize how life changing this diagnosis was, how I thought it could be treated and we could go on with our lives after this speed bump was overcome.

Looking back, I shake my head at my naïveté, but then I also long for the innocent I was back then
just going about my business untouched by grief and tragedy.  Ignorance was truly bliss.

We were a newly married couple with our whole lives in front of us and Jeff always telling me as long as we had each other, we could get through anything.

I long for those days of naïveté, of innocence, before cancer destroyed everything.

But how do I shred the innocent, naïve person I was before cancer made me a widow?

Would it be better to just file her away?

Has cancer already shredded her?