Wednesday, June 29, 2016

To File or Shred?

I've been meaning to go through multiple stacks of papers and file the necessary stuff and shred the rest.  I've actually been meaning to do it since before Jeff died.  But it's such a tedious job, that I've put it off for over 3 years.  It's been put off for too long.

One of the major stacks includes an enormous amount of documents regarding Jeff's medical records.  This has been exceptionally painful in deciding what to file and what to shred.

I no longer need documents about the hernia surgery he had way before the cancer diagnosis but how do I shred this memory of our life before cancer?

I no longer need all the appointment reminders, after care instructions, and summaries for the multiple doctor visits we attended for radiation, chemo, follow ups, etc.  But how do I shred these scraps of paper that were our lifelines to hope for a cure and normal life again?

I no longer need the disability paperwork that I had no idea Jeff took such extensive notes on in his distinctive handwriting. But how do I shred anything that has his handwriting on it?

I no longer need the handwritten notes and questions I wrote for our first oncology appointment.  This was the hardest one to read over, I was just so naïve back then. The questions I was asking, I realize now how unprepared I was for such devastating news.  I just didn't realize how life changing this diagnosis was, how I thought it could be treated and we could go on with our lives after this speed bump was overcome.

Looking back, I shake my head at my naïveté, but then I also long for the innocent I was back then
just going about my business untouched by grief and tragedy.  Ignorance was truly bliss.

We were a newly married couple with our whole lives in front of us and Jeff always telling me as long as we had each other, we could get through anything.

I long for those days of naïveté, of innocence, before cancer destroyed everything.

But how do I shred the innocent, naïve person I was before cancer made me a widow?

Would it be better to just file her away?

Has cancer already shredded her?



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