Wyoming Anniversary

Wyoming is coming into town this weekend to celebrate our two year anniversary.  It is strange for me to talk about an anniversary with another person, yet it's starting to feel normal.  It's hard fighting my guilt monster.

I guess the best way to say it is the love I have is compartmentalized.  I'm assuming it's similar to how a parent loves multiple children.  I've heard a parent say that they don't think they could love their second child as much as they love their first but once the second child comes along they realize their heart expands, it doesn't push the first child out or minimize the love for the first child.  I said something similar after Jeff died.  I could never love another as much as I loved Jeff.

Jeff holds a place in my heart and Wyoming holds another place.  I don't think about it like Wyoming is replacing Jeff.  It's like my heart expanded and he's still there and now Wyoming has a place next to him.  My heart just got bigger to make room for Wyoming.  It's really hard to put into words.

I've written previously about how I will never love another the way that I loved Jeff and I still stick by it.  I don't love Wyoming the same way I love Jeff.  It's different but it's also kind of the same.

I feel like I love Wyoming in a way that I wasn't able to love Jeff.  The love I had for Jeff was a love I took for granted, a rose colored love that had never experienced anything tragic, like a death.  No one close to me died in the 10 years I loved Jeff.

This love for Wyoming is experienced, it is reflective, it is not taken for granted because I now know from Jeff's death that it is not a given, it is fragile, it can change in a heartbeat.

It is true that I will never love another the way I loved Jeff, but it doesn't mean that I can't love deeply again.

Thank You Laurie!

Even after over three years of Jeff being gone, I still have moments of extreme grief and the guilt of moving forward.  See my previous post called My Guilt Monster Made A Comeback.

When this happens I try to find solace in other widows' stories and advice.  Laurie Burrows wrote a wonderful article that helped bring me comfort recently.  Here is the link and I also copied it below. Hang in there brave widow warriors.  We can get through this together!

The Ultimate Goal In Grief: Embracing A New Life

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I know that I have absolutely no choice about the path I must walk in grief. I also understand that I do have a choice in how I cope with my grief, and how I adapt to the loss. Many cope by being “loss-oriented” in their style of grief. The loss defines them. It took me a while in my mourning process to select the good style of grief, which is “restoration-oriented.” This type of grief focuses on the loss of Peter, but allows me to rebuild my life. I continue to have moments of sadness and “grief bursts,” but I am working hard at establishing new habits to reduce the power of sadness, so that it no longer overwhelms me. I am choosing to take charge of my life, integrate my lost love into my heart, and move forward to find my new restored existence.

I decided to put this theory into practice. I set up a sheet listing the loss-oriented items on the left side of my paper, and the restoration-oriented ones on the right. On the left, I listed my yearning for Peter, my sadness at looking at his picture, my memories of our life together, my sorrow at not having a partner with whom to laugh, my loneliness, my lack of a husband to help when my meniscus is torn (damn!), and my empty and slightly hamstrung heart. This is the part of grief work that I call the heavy-lifting.

Then on the right side of the paper, I listed the restoration-oriented ideas that help me to move on with my life. and distract me until I can fully cope with my loss. My writing is my savior and a total boost forward in my process. Setting up a website to invite other widows and widowers to talk is a great distractor. My grandkids, period! Cooking a dinner for friends; watching a funny movie (yes, even Bridget Jones Baby made me laugh a little); watching the Acorn TV series A Place to Call Home; walking with a girlfriend; talking to my pals who keep me buoyed with their friendship; popcorn and chocolate ice cream; and finding strength in the fact that I can take care of the finances by myself!

I am sure that a new life will start for me when:

· I will develop new skills, interests, and abilities; as long as it is NOT playing Mah Jongg!

· I will learn to cook beautiful dinners for me, myself, and I.

· I realize that grief is individual and I can choose to go on this journey on my own time table, in my own style, and with the use of humor as a tool. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “why the long face?”

· I give myself permission to heal my wounds of grief in a positive fashion. I will try to be positive and cheerlead myself to get through grief.

· I will believe that failure is a form of learning and not get down on myself for “grief bursts.” Self-compassion, Laurie, self-compassion!

· I will be grateful for the love I had, even though I am mourning it deeply. I will try to imagine nostalgia as sweet, and focus not on my deprivation, but on how good it was when our love was alive.

· I will laud my anger for the temporary insanity it brings.

· I will be thankful for the grief that won’t go away, and my fear that it will, and the void that might swallow me up.

· I will appreciate the legacy of kindness that Peter instilled in Nick and now my grandchildren.

· I will celebrate small successes as if they were grand successes.

· I will value living in the now as a precious gift.

· I will refuse to see myself as a victim.

· I will finally fully fathom that Peter would insist that I enjoy the rest of my life.

If I think of the word widow as one letter shy of window, I can look outward through the window of my widow’s soul and move forward into the light again.

My Guilt Monster Made A Comeback

Last night my guilt monster waged war against me...again.  I think it had been strategizing for a while.  Looking back I noticed that I had a hard time catching my breath and I felt a bit irritable but couldn't quite figure it out.  I was so busy with work, appointments, organizing Easter with family, and just life in general that I didn't take the time to stop and reflect, I just kept pushing forward.

Last night, I finally got the chance to take my dog for a walk.  I try to walk her for about an hour two days a week or more, which is the time I take to reflect and think about what's going on in my life, problem solve in my head, and just kind of check in.  I haven't been able to do this for a couple of weeks.

What I figured out on the walk last night was that I'm feeling guilty.

I am in escrow to buy 6.24 acres of land using some of the money that Jeff left behind.  I haven't touched any of Jeff's money since he died over three years ago.  I realized that I am spending Jeff's death money to buy land that I may develop with the new man in my life in the same month as our wedding anniversary.  The guilt of that is overwhelming.

I know in my rational mind that Jeff would want me to be happy and blah blah blah, but I just can't seem to not feel guilty about it in my emotional mind.  My financial adviser advises that I need to diversify and make this money work for me to secure my future and have a comfortable retirement, but I feel like I'm stealing from Jeff to fund my new life with a new partner and I can't help but feel extremely disloyal.

Last night after walking my dog, I broke down over all of these feelings that have been building up subconsciously.  I had a pretty bad breakdown and Wyoming had to help me pick up the pieces.  I don't know how he is so strong.  I don't know how he dates a person and a ghost at the same time. He admitted that sometimes, when I am grieving for Jeff like I was last night, that he feels like he is on the "back burner."  It doesn't help that we are still long distance.

I see where he is coming from, but my grief and guilt are so dominant at times that I have nothing left to give.  I want to apologize to him for being so damaged but I stop myself because there really is no apology that is appropriate.  I am grieving my husband, my lost partner, my life mate.  I am trying to move forward.  I take a few steps forward and then take a couple back.  I know that this is normal, but I also acknowledge it is unfair to Wyoming.

I thought that I had figured out my guilt monster.  I thought that I had it beat.  But it's a sneaky guilt monster and it made a big comeback.

I feel exhausted this morning after the storm of guilt and grief last night.  But I also feel cleansed.  I haven't had a really big breakdown like this in a long time and even though I think of Jeff daily, I haven't felt such guilt and grief for a while.

I think the combination of our anniversary, closing escrow on this investment opportunity, the fact that Jeff was diagnosed at 37, which is the same age I am right now, all combined to make the perfect battlefield for my guilt monster to make a comeback.

Well, I'm here to say that I survived again.  I have some more battle wounds and it was an exhausting fight, but I feel like I gained some new weapons to fight my guilt monster and I'm still standing.  I'm still here trying to move forward.  My guilt monster hasn't beat me and it never will but man does it fight hard.   I plan on continuing to fight to move forward.  I will close escrow in less than a week.

Happy Anniversary

Six years ago I was lucky enough to marry my best friend.

Wedding Anniversary

My sixth wedding anniversary is coming up in a week. Jeff and I were married April 8th, 2011.  The first part of April is very busy since my twin nieces were born March 31st and both my mom and my brother in laws birthdays are in the first weeks of April.

People usually remember Jeff's birthday and sometimes even the day he died but our wedding anniversary is a date that I tend to have to remind people of.

Yesterday, I was busy making my nieces birthday cakes and about 50 cupcakes for their 5th birthday party for today and I decided to take a little break on the couch in between bakes.  I was just pondering about my anniversary and where my life is now since we were married when our wedding song came on Pandora. I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again, I rarely hear our wedding song so when I do hear it, I believe that it's coming from Jeff.

At the very moment I was thinking about our upcoming anniversary, Jeff was saying hello.  I haven't cried in a while over missing Jeff, but when I heard our song I started bawling. I've definitely moved forward in life since he's been gone and I know that he sees and knows what I'm up to, but it is always so awesome to get a sign that he's still with me.

So I had myself a good cry for the duration of the song. It's hard not being a bit sad and nostalgic around our anniversary. Once the song ended, I wiped off my tears, picked myself up and finished making cupcakes.

Breakthrough

I mentioned in my last post that my family has not been very supportive of my relationship with Wyoming.  I would like to clarify and say that my extended family has been very supportive.  Wyoming has met most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

It's my immediate family that hasn't been supportive.  They have been flat out against our relationship.  Wyoming hasn't met my dad, sister, or nieces.  He met my mom about a year ago before she went on hospice, but, unknowing to me, my mom didn't tell my dad that she was meeting Wyoming until afterwards, which caused some turmoil.

I have heard multiple times from my father over his displeasure of Wyoming's past.  Over the last year, my dad and I could not be around each other without yelling on both our parts and lots of crying on mine over my relationship with Wyoming.

But there has recently been a breakthrough.  My dad has asked to meet Wyoming when he comes to town for spring break next week.  Needless to say, my dad wanting to meet Wyoming has caused a lot of anxiety for me.  My dad is a very opinionated and outspoken person.  He is very strong in his beliefs and has absolutely no problem expressing himself, even if it offends people.  This trait was not only passed down to my sister and I, but Wyoming also shares this trait, which could lead to a very explosive meeting.

My sister is also very unhappy with my relationship with Wyoming.  She has refused to meet him or allow her daughters around him.  My sister is adamant that she does not trust my decision making abilities since my husband died, based off of some bad decisions I made in the first year he was gone.  She thinks that Wyoming is another one of those bad decisions, which has made seeing my nieces difficult and my relationship with my sister very strained.

The last few months though, there has been a bit of a truce within my immediate family.  We have all agreed to get along and ignore the elephant in the room for my mother's sake.  We have not fought and Wyoming is rarely mentioned.

My anxiety lies in the fact that I am enjoying this false peace within my immediate family since this false peace is better than yelling and crying every time we're around each other.  I am worried that if the meeting between Wyoming and my father does not go well, then it will open up old wounds and the fighting will begin anew.

I know from therapy, that I must push myself and not stay stagnant but the unknown is terrifying and where I am right now regarding my family is known, even if it is false.

But I also know that my dad wanting to meet Wyoming is a good thing.  My dad is willing to meet Wyoming and not just judge him based off of his past anymore.  I need to stop worrying and think of this as a breakthrough and not a fight.

So, we will see how the meeting goes.  Hopefully my father and Wyoming get along and the next phase will be my sister meeting him if she is open to it.  But that's a whole other battle.

I know that I cannot control others, I can only control my response to others.  Knowing this does not relieve my anxiety though.

Judge Monster

I spoke previously about being judged by others and judging myself in my last post and after reading The Polished Widow, she mentioned judgement as well in her most recent post.

Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations.  I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!

I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve as well as realizing that I judge myself.  I mentioned the two types of grief in this post.  Widows talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions.  It's funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes.

The Polished Widow goes on to write that was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it.  When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’.  But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook???  I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me.  Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.

I can say that The Polished Widow was lucky that her own family and her husband's family were supportive of her.  My husband's family and I had a terrible falling out about 10 months after my husband died and I haven't seen, heard from, or spoken to his parents or brother for over 2 years.

My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago.  I started dating Wyoming a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and they still don't support me.  We've had a rough year and a half, especially with my mother's health declining rapidly.  My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and then again by multiple people who judged my decision to be in a relationship with Wyoming. 

Like The Polished Widow a couple of my friends also judged me.

But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy...All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong...And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!?  Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him.  What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them.  Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again.  Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.

I have also lost friends like The Polished Widow.  They just kind of slowly disappeared from my life.  Both friends and family claim that they are trying to protect me from my own bad decisions since Wyoming has such a dark past and I made a few bad decisions during my intense grief after Jeff died, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite.  I went to therapy and did a lot of work on myself to understand why I made some poor decisions early in my grief journey and feel that I have learned and grown from that.  I can't change the past and neither can Wyoming, but we can let the past be the past and move forward in life and that's what we are both trying to do.

I know that sometimes people just change in general and drift in and out of our lives but I do believe that Jeff's death is the cause for certain people not wanting to be friends anymore.  These people judge Wyoming for his dark past but have never met him.  I am so very grateful to all of my friends who have cautioned me about being in a relationship with Wyoming but have also allowed me to make my own decisions and support me in those decisions instead of distancing themselves.  These people truly show they care through their actions and their words.  These are the people who understand that they have their own life to live and I have mine to live.  

I feel that because of friends and family who judge and question my life, that has definitely had a negative impact on me and how I judge and question myself.  I understand that people want to protect me but making me live a life that is right for them and not for me is not doing me any service.  Nobody could protect me from Jeff's cancer and ultimate death.  I don't think anybody would tell me that if they had a crystal ball and knew that Jeff was going to get cancer and die after 10 years of being together, that I should not be with him. 

Nobody knows what the future holds, and I understand that being with Wyoming, there is a risk that it might not work out.  But we take that risk with any person we choose to be in a relationship with.  At least I know that the people who are supporting me now will be there to celebrate my happiness and also be there to help pick me up when tragedy may occur.

The Polished Widow continues on with even more words of wisdom.

But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’.  You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.

Thank you Polished Widow for your words of wisdom.