Last night my guilt monster waged war against me...again. I think it had been strategizing for a while. Looking back I noticed that I had a hard time catching my breath and I felt a bit irritable but couldn't quite figure it out. I was so busy with work, appointments, organizing Easter with family, and just life in general that I didn't take the time to stop and reflect, I just kept pushing forward.
Last night, I finally got the chance to take my dog for a walk. I try to walk her for about an hour two days a week or more, which is the time I take to reflect and think about what's going on in my life, problem solve in my head, and just kind of check in. I haven't been able to do this for a couple of weeks.
What I figured out on the walk last night was that I'm feeling guilty.
I am in escrow to buy 6.24 acres of land using some of the money that Jeff left behind. I haven't touched any of Jeff's money since he died over three years ago. I realized that I am spending Jeff's death money to buy land that I may develop with the new man in my life in the same month as our wedding anniversary. The guilt of that is overwhelming.
I know in my rational mind that Jeff would want me to be happy and blah blah blah, but I just can't seem to not feel guilty about it in my emotional mind. My financial adviser advises that I need to diversify and make this money work for me to secure my future and have a comfortable retirement, but I feel like I'm stealing from Jeff to fund my new life with a new partner and I can't help but feel extremely disloyal.
Last night after walking my dog, I broke down over all of these feelings that have been building up subconsciously. I had a pretty bad breakdown and Wyoming had to help me pick up the pieces. I don't know how he is so strong. I don't know how he dates a person and a ghost at the same time. He admitted that sometimes, when I am grieving for Jeff like I was last night, that he feels like he is on the "back burner." It doesn't help that we are still long distance.
I see where he is coming from, but my grief and guilt are so dominant at times that I have nothing left to give. I want to apologize to him for being so damaged but I stop myself because there really is no apology that is appropriate. I am grieving my husband, my lost partner, my life mate. I am trying to move forward. I take a few steps forward and then take a couple back. I know that this is normal, but I also acknowledge it is unfair to Wyoming.
I thought that I had figured out my guilt monster. I thought that I had it beat. But it's a sneaky guilt monster and it made a big comeback.
I feel exhausted this morning after the storm of guilt and grief last night. But I also feel cleansed. I haven't had a really big breakdown like this in a long time and even though I think of Jeff daily, I haven't felt such guilt and grief for a while.
I think the combination of our anniversary, closing escrow on this investment opportunity, the fact that Jeff was diagnosed at 37, which is the same age I am right now, all combined to make the perfect battlefield for my guilt monster to make a comeback.
Well, I'm here to say that I survived again. I have some more battle wounds and it was an exhausting fight, but I feel like I gained some new weapons to fight my guilt monster and I'm still standing. I'm still here trying to move forward. My guilt monster hasn't beat me and it never will but man does it fight hard. I plan on continuing to fight to move forward. I will close escrow in less than a week.