Pandemic Life Check In

    It's been quite a while since I've posted anything and I thought I should check in and give a little update on how my life has been going since my last post.

    I am still teaching PE, although I have not taught a full year of PE on campus.  As everyone knows, the nation started shutting down in March last year due to Covid-19 and my school was no exception.  It has been almost a year and we have still not returned to campus with students.  I am currently teaching PE online/distance learning, which is interesting to say the least.

    Our students are not required to turn their video cameras on while in our live class sessions so that makes teaching exercises difficult but I have found interesting platforms like flipgrid, time lapse video, and other "work arounds" to be able to assess students when they refuse to turn on their cameras.  Essentially, I teach to 51 blank screens while I attempt to show the correct form of exercises, stretches, etc.  I have no idea if my students are laying in bed, playing video games, at the beach, watching TV,  or doing whatever else teenagers do while I am instructing but there is nothing I can do about that right now and am hoping this is only temporary and we will be back to "normal" soon.  We widows know the definition of going back to "normal" very well at this point.

    I am still with "Wyoming."  We have been together a little over five years now.  We are slowly but surely making progress on building our "dream house" on the land I bought almost 4 years ago.  But instead of living in the trailer on the land, he is living with me.  That was a struggle to overcome having him move into the house that Jeff and I shared and where Jeff died but it is what it is.

    This last December marked 8 years of Jeff being gone.  My grief since my mom died has been complex to say the least.  December is a mine field for me now with Jeff's anniversary and the grief I have around the holidays regarding my mom.  I miss her constantly but I really miss the traditions we shared together around the holidays.

    I try and surround myself with positive people who help me through tough times.  I try to think of what I am grateful for every night before I go to sleep.  I continue to exercise regularly and eat healthy (not so regularly but I try).  I haven't been to therapy since the pandemic began but I seem to be doing ok.  I plan on going back to therapy once we are physically able to again.

    Overall, my life is good.  I am happy.

Another Change

I decided to go in a different direction in my teaching career.  An opportunity fell in my lap the last day of the school year last year and I decided to try something new.  I've taught all different levels of English for 15 years (from English Language Learners to Advanced Placement Literature and Composition) and now I'm teaching Physical Education full time.

I always wanted to be a PE teacher since I coached two Varsity sports since the age of 19, but when I first started going to school to become a teacher, it was practically impossible to get hired in PE.  Everyone told me to get my teaching credential in a core subject (math, science, history, English) so I would have a better chance of being hired immediately (and be able to start paying off all of my student debt).

I always liked to read so I switched my major my junior year in college to English Literature.  I was hired immediately after finishing student teaching.

Throughout the last 15 years of teaching English and putting in so many extra hours with planning and grading (time I missed out on with Jeff), I kept dreaming about maybe one day getting a PE credential and teaching PE.  But there were rarely any openings and they were usually at schools I wasn't interested in.

I had to make the decision to switch from English to PE in less than 24 hours and was worried that I would regret my decision of switching.  Instead of a very controlled environment with 36-40 students sitting in desks in a classroom, I would have to herd 51 crazy kids running around like wild things and attempt to teach them how to play 8 different sports.  Would I be able to handle moving around and carrying all kinds of equipment in the heat in the middle of summer, and cold and rain in the middle of the winter all day long since the middle school I currently work at still doesn't have a gym?  How am I supposed to give quizzes to my students on the state standards that they are learning without desks and the other trappings of a typical classroom?

But then I remembered that the universe gives us opportunities and we can either refuse what it's offering or jump on board and go for it.  The worst thing that could happen would be that I would have a rough year and then apply for an English position again.  So I cleaned out my classroom of years of materials and lesson plans, gave everything away to some brand new English teachers who are just starting out and accepted what the universe was offering.

I regret nothing.

We are almost 9 weeks into the school year (I work at a year round calendar school) and I have loved almost every minute of it.  Don't get me wrong, we all have hard days and certain challenges that arise, but compared to teaching reluctant kids to analyze texts and write essays, let alone grade all of it, PE has been a dream.  It has definitely been a transition.  Giving my first quiz was rough and I have had to reflect and try different strategies.  The heat has been almost unbearable and I'm physically exhausted daily.  But I feel like I am "getting into shape" and leave work everyday tired but with a smile.

People on my campus are still coming up to me surprised that I made the switch and I am still getting emails for help with all things English related.  They all say how sad it is that I am not going to be teaching English anymore because I was such a strong teacher, but I don't see it that way.  I'm still teaching and I'm still a strong teacher.  I feel like in PE I've been able to connect with the students more.  They engage with me and I get to know their personalities better in PE.  I smile and laugh a lot more and am not as stressed out.

I'm sad that Jeff isn't here with me now that I am almost halfway through my career and have a lot more free time, especially since I no longer coach.  He was with me the first 10 years of my career when I was working 12-15 hour days creating curriculum, grading, and coaching after school.  He rarely complained other than his one ultimatum that I wasn't allowed to bring home any grading, but because I didn't bring anything home, I was rarely home before 7 pm and usually ended up staying even later on Friday's and going in for a full 8 hours on Sundays.  Jeff always encouraged me and didn't mind that I had to stay late for my job.  He was always so supportive and understanding.  I hope he is smiling down on me now that I've finally achieved what I always wanted in my career.

Change is always stressful and switching from English to PE was and has been a little stressful but I know in the long run, this change is going to be a good one.

And even if it's not, I can always go back to endless essay grading if I needed to.

Memory Quilt

After a spouse dies, it falls on the survivors to figure out what to do with their belongings.  This is a very personal decision and what works for some does not work for all.  I asked everyone I knew, which wasn't very many people since there wasn't anyone close to any of my friends or family who had died in the last 15 years.  I asked my bereavement group members, I asked my therapist, I read every blog, brochure, and book I could get my hands on and each answer was a little different but ultimately stated that it was up to the living to decide what works best for them.

One of the options was to give things away to family and friends so I gave some things of Jeff's to the people I knew would appreciate them.

But what about the rest? I couldn’t even fathom the idea of throwing anything of Jeff's away and I also didn’t feel comfortable with donating his things so what I didn’t give away, I boxed up even though I didn't want to put my husband in a box.  Some of his stuff, especially some specific items of clothing had huge emotional meaning.

Another option I learned about was to make a memory quilt.  I learned how to quilt from a friend of mine whose mother is a master quilter with a long arm in Oklahoma.  I didn't feel I could emotionally handle making the memory quilt myself so she agreed to make a memory quilt of Jeff’s clothes. About a year and a half after Jeff died, I sat on my living room floor and cried as I went through the most worn and loved items of clothing he had. I continued to cry as I packed two big boxes of his stuff to send to Oklahoma.

A few weeks ago, I received Jeff’s memory quilt. It took almost 4 years to make. It was worth the wait.

It ended up being a king size quilt and absolutely stunning. The detail she included was unbelievable.  She took such care and put so much thought into this quilt.  The brown sashing in between the blocks was taken from his UPS uniforms and she included one of his UPS shirts.  She managed to put in his most worn shirts and shorts, some of his softball uniforms, and even the tie he wore at our wedding.  Every item of clothing all had so much meaning behind each one.

The quilt took up my entire living room floor.

Here's his UPS shirt.  You can see how worn the pocket is.

This is the tie he wore for our wedding and his favorite green shirt that she had to patch up because it had holes in it from being so worn out.  He loved that shirt.

I could include so many more up close pictures and go on and on telling stories about each one because each item of clothing had significant meaning behind it.  Seeing all of these items after four years brought up so many memories.  It almost felt like he walked back in the room.  The only thing missing was his smell and his laugh.

After I spread it out, I couldn't help myself, I just sat down on it and cried and cried.  A real ugly, gut-wrenching cry that just didn't stop.  Each time I would try to pull myself together I would see another little item and detail, and I would start all over again.

It was emotionally exhausting and very hard.  I eventually had to just fold it back up and store it back in a box.  I hope one day that I'll be able to display it.  I know that the more I'm exposed to it, the less sensitive I will be but after all this time, seeing all of these significant items of clothing is just too much.  Knowing how much care was taken in the making this special memory quilt hits me right in the heart.

I'm so grateful to her for taking such extraordinary care in creating this beautiful masterpiece.  It truly is a gift from heaven.

Oh, April

April is the beginning of springtime.  Plants are blooming, birds are chirping, the gloom of winter is fading and I'm forced to remember a time years ago when I was my happiest and nobody had died yet.

The beginning of April can be a little rough on me, since April 8th is my wedding anniversary and April 11th is my mom's birthday.

My wedding to Jeff was everything I could have hoped for.  We had a destination wedding that I had no part in planning so there was very little pressure or stress.  Jeff's mom planned and paid for every detail so all we had to do was show up, do as we were told, and have fun with our friends.  Writing that makes me sound like a child even though I was 31 and he was 35, but because we didn't want to plan or pay for a wedding, his parents stepped in and took over.  My mom was still recovering from planning my sister's epic multi-day wedding so she was happy to allow Jeff's mom to plan our wedding.

It was glorious.  Everything turned out beautifully and all of the before and after wedding activities were a blast.  Friends and family all said how much fun our wedding was (I'm sure my mother-in-law and father-in-law might have been a little stressed out).

The best thing about it all was that Jeff and I were able to truly enjoy the experience and each other since we really weren't responsible for anything.  My wedding day was magical and wondrous.

We then celebrated my mom's birthday a few days after the wedding and then Jeff and I were able to go on our fantastic Caribbean honeymoon without having to clean up any mess or deal with any extra bills.

Now, I sit back and reminisce about that wonderful time in my life.  Mostly everyone I loved and cared about, who was important to me at the time, was there at that specific moment to celebrate with me.  Everyone was in good health and nobody was sick.  Jeff and I were happy and healthy.  My mom was alive and well.

I truly was lucky.

I still am lucky.

I'm lucky because I was able to have that opportunity with Jeff and my mom who are no longer with me now.  I was able to experience the love from people I cared about.  Some people never get to have something like that so I am grateful for those experiences as well as the people I loved and who loved me.

Even though I get sad and nostalgic at the beginning of April, it reminds me that I need to remember how lucky I was and still am to have had someone like Jeff love me and to have had the best mother anyone could ask for.  It allows me to be grateful for all those people I still have in my life who love and care about me as well.

April and spring are the opportunities for new beginnings and I need to remember to embrace every moment and not focus on what I did have but what I still am able to have an opportunity to gain.

This Widow's Experience with Young Living

I have had a handful of people ask me about Young Living from this post if you missed it.

I just want to make sure that before anyone starts using essential oils, that you choose quality oils (like those from Young Living or another reputable company) and that you check with your doctor if you have any immunity issues or pre-existing conditions.

If you are interested in joining my Young Living community, the most affordable option is to become a member and buy one of the premium starter kits.  If you choose to become a member you will be able to buy oils at the wholesale price instead of the retail price.  But if you just want to give it a try, you can still buy without becoming a member, you just pay the full retail price.

When I first started buying Young Living oils I did not become a member right away.  It took me about two years before I actually bought my premium starter kit.  I just wanted one or two oils and wasn't interested in investing too much money.  I paid retail for the couple of oils I wanted.  When I started doing more and more research on essential oils, I went back to Young Living and bought a few more oils at retail price.

I finally realized that I could save a lot of money by becoming a member because I wanted so many more oils.  I wish I would have bought the premium starter kit to begin with.  All that matters now is that I am saving money on oils I would be buying at retail prices now that I can get them at wholesale prices.

You could also check out other reputable essential oil companies such as doTERRA or Floracopeia too.  You don't only have to buy from Young Living.  Just be sure to do your research and make sure you aren't buying low quality oils.

One of the reasons I chose Young Living over other essential oil companies was that I became a part of the Young Living community when I joined (which you will also be a part of if you use the link provided here) and I'm not on my own looking through a ton of different books or websites for help using essential oils.  We have a "secret" Facebook group that has over 1,000 members and everyone shares ideas and "recipes" for common problems that essential oils help with.  This has helped me so much.

If you do want to join and you need help signing up or help with which premium starter kit to choose, you can email me as well and I can help you with the sign up process and the starter kit that is right for you.  But even if you don't want to join my community, if you want to learn about "recipes" that can help with allergies, common colds, bronchitis, feeling run down, insomnia, weight loss support, sore throat, and coughs.  Just send me an email and I can share those with you.

Again, please do not feel you have to buy essential oils only through Young Living.  There are other essential oil companies out there that produce high quality oils as well.  You  just need to find the brand that works best for your needs and budget.

Unwilling Refugee

Valentine's Day would have been fifteen years with Jeff.  We officially decided to become exclusive on Valentine's Day, 2004.  We were married seven years later and he was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer on his birthday a year an a half after we were married.  He died fourteen months after diagnosis.  I recently read this quote:

“It’s when the drama is over and you face the grey mudflats of the future that the real widowhood begins... You don’t ‘get over’ the man, though you do after a year or two get over the death; but you have to learn to live in another country in which you’re an unwilling refugee.”

- Writer and agony aunt Katharine Whitehorn, who lost her husband in 2003 after 45 years of marriage.

I don't know if I am holding on too tight or not, but I don't think I have gotten over his death, even after five years.  I constantly wonder what our life would be like if he had not died five years ago.  I'm not naive to the fact that a lot can change in five years, people can change, and our relationship would probably have been different, I'm sure we would have experienced our struggles, but I do truly believe that we would have stayed together.  

I do know in my heart that he would not have handled all of the death in my family very well.  Sometimes I honestly believe that it was better for Jeff to have died before Mom got sick.  I think my mother's sickness and subsequent death would have affected him greatly and he would have struggled mightily with that.  

At times, I find it really hard for me to celebrate the milestones in my own life without reminding myself that Jeff is not here with me.  

I know this is my guilt monster.  I keep expecting my guilt monster to go away but maybe it never will.  Maybe my guilt monster will plague me forever and I just need to continue to battle and keep it at bay.

What I do know is that I miss my husband.  I miss my husband and I miss my mother.  I wonder if my mother hadn't gotten sick and died soon after Jeff died, I might be further along in my grief process.  They were both just so important to me that the loss of both of them continues to make me unbearably sad.

Widowed at 34

On December 29th, 2013 my husband died.  With his death, I became a 34 year old widow.

I'm assuming that like all widow's, this was not a title we wanted but we also weren't given a choice.  What we do have a choice about is how we are going to spend the rest of our time now that our partner is gone.

Since Jeff's death, there have been four other deaths in my family.  Five people have died in five years.  That is a lot of loss and a lot of grief.  We hadn't had a death in the family for twenty years until Jeff died.  I would consider us all lucky in that respect.

I'm not going to say that I've used all of my time since his death wisely.  I have made quite a few mistakes.  But it's not the fall that counts, it's how a person picks themselves up and continues the journey.  I have learned a lot of hard lessons, some I didn't think I would be able to recover from, but looking back I've also learned some really good steps to take care of myself because of those lessons.  During this past holiday season and into this sixth year of my husband's death, I'm consciously trying to remember to follow these steps.

These last five years the holidays have been hard for me, mainly because Jeff died right after Christmas.  Before his death, I always loved Christmas.  My family has very strong traditions and because I'm a teacher, I've always had at least two weeks off for the holiday and have been able to truly enjoy it.  My mom and I would spend a couple of full days decorating her house and then we would spend at least two full days baking cookies.  It became a big deal because we would end up backing hundreds and hundreds of cookies.  My dad used to complain that we were out of control.  The year Jeff got sick, I couldn't bake because he was in the hospital right before Christmas and the following year after he was gone, I just was not in the right frame of mind to bake and my mom had to do it on her own.  I pretty much haven't baked Christmas cookies since.  I'm not sure if or when I will again, now that Mom is gone too.

This year, now that Wyoming is here permanently, I've definitely been struggling with all sorts of emotions, most of all, my guilt monster.  I decided to go back and reread my favorite widow blogger, the blogger who got me through the first two years and who I looked up to for her strength and honesty.  Her husband died suddenly when she was 29 and she is now remarried with two children and hasn't written on her blog since 2016.

I am in such a good place in my life (I have a great job, I'm in a loving relationship, I have awesome friends and family I'm close to, I live in a fantastic city) but for some reason I feel the need to punish myself by allowing guilt and sorrow to dull the happy times.

This specific post she wrote has helped me a lot.  Her blog reminds me that it is ok to move forward, to love another, and to be happy, which is something that I've been struggling with a lot since Wyoming has moved in with me.

How many of us talk ourselves into the "truth" that our dead spouses would want us to be happy now, or how many of us have heard others tell us the same thing?  We and others are constantly trying to tell us that it is ok to move forward.  But that emotional tie is so difficult to overcome. 

I am no longer a 34 year old widow, I'm now a 39 year old widow in a relationship with someone I think I could spend the rest of my life with, as long as he doesn't die too.  People give me a hard time when I say something like that, but it's hard to look at things the same way I did before death changed my views.

That's why so many of us call it a "club."  Those who haven't experienced the death of a spouse just don't understand how it irreparably changes your outlook on life in some way.  We are just not the same person we used to be.  The void will always be there and that void has altered us in a way that not everyone can understand.

I am no longer a 34 year old widow.  But five years later I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate the loss of my husband.

They Made a Mistake, She’s Not Coming Home

I received the beautiful urn I purchased for my beloved Bogeys ashes in the mail two days ago.  I was really happy with how it turned out. It was exactly what I had hoped for.  Plus, I had gotten through finals and grade day, which is hard on me because grade day was the day the doctors called to tell me there was nothing more they could do for Jeff. I was feeling pretty good. Bogey would be with Jeff just in time for his five year anniversary.

But about an hour after I opened the package the vet called me.  They told they made a mistake. Even though I paid to have Bogey cremated separately and her ashes returned to me, they cremated her and spread her ashes communally with other dogs somewhere about an hour away.

My Bogey is not coming home to me and I cannot fulfill my promise to Jeff of putting some of Bogey’s ashes with him like he asked me to before he died.

I have been inconsolable these last two days.

I am beyond devastated.

I’ve never asked why me, not when Jeff got sick and died, not when Mom got sick and died, and not when Bogey died.  But this, this mistake, this is making me ask those questions. I wanted my dog back home with me and I wanted to fulfill my wish to my dead husband.

I feel so defeated.

I’ve never felt defeated before so this is a new type of grief for me.  I’ve been trying to figure out why and I think it’s becasue all my sorrow before has been unavoidable tragedy caused by sickness or nature.  Not getting my Bogey back was avoidable and caused by human error that is now irreparable. I didn’t have to feel this pain if somebody had done what they were supposed to do. The pain I feel, and the inability for me to fulfill a promise to my dead husband, is a direct correlation to a person’s incompetence.

This adds to a whole new level of emotions leading up to Christmas and Jeff’s five year anniversary.

What I try to keep telling myself is I did what I was supposed to do. I paid the extra money and requested Bogey’s ashes to be returned to me. I did what I was supposed to do to fulfill Jeff’s wish.

But the reality is, Jeff’s wish and my promise to him will not be fulfilled and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

 The perfect urn that will remain empty.

My beloved Bogey will never come home to me.

Childhood and the Holidays

I remember this overwhelming sense of joy during the holidays when I was a child and into my early adulthood.  As a child, my mother would decorate the entire house for Christmas.  It literally was a wonderland.  I particularly remember she would put these candy garlands up on the door frames and I used to just stare at them and drool.  She also had this little Christmas village she collected and displayed that I loved to sit in front of and create little families and whatnot in my imagination.

As I got into my teens, decorating the house turned into a tradition for my mom and me.  I would help her take everything down from the attic and unpack and unwrap it all.  Then we would spend about a day and a half decorating the entire house.  When I bought my own house, she would come over and help me decorate mine as well, although that would only take us a couple hours, mainly because I was lazy and didn't have nearly as many decorations as she did.  We continued that tradition until she got sick.

My mother also baked around the holidays.  Once I was old enough to help her, somehow the holiday baking morphed into this massive endeavor.  There were staples that we made every year and once she knew I had mastered those on my own, she then started bringing in new recipes.  Some ended up staying in the repertoire and some did not.  At our height, we were probably baking close to a thousand cookies, bars, fudges, and breads in two days.  We would package these confections up in beautiful trays and cellophane and deliver them to our friends and family on either the day before Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve morning.  People always talked about our cookie trays and hoped they would make the list of deliveries.  I baked with my mother until Jeff got sick.

I always looked forward to the holidays and these family traditions.  Once I became a teacher, it was so nice to have at least two weeks off for Christmas.  I knew that I just needed to get through finals week and then I was free, free, free to spend that time with my mother and family.  Once the exhausting holidays were over, I usually still had at least a week to relax and unwind before gearing up for the new semester.

All of that changed once Jeff got sick.  Jeff was diagnosed late October and began radiation and chemotherapy around Thanksgiving.  I did not help my mother bake the year he was diagnosed.  The following year, he went into the hospital December 12th and was in the hospital during finals week, then came home December 22nd, just in time for Christmas.  He died December 29th.  Ever since his diagnosis, things have not been the same for me around the holidays.

Now, instead of looking forward to all of the family traditions and the happiness, I don't feel any joy really.  I still have the stress and exhaustion of finals week.  But instead of the excitement and joy once finals are over, it's more a feeling of gearing up and bracing myself for the emotions.  On top of that, I also need to buck up now that my mom is gone because I'm the one that organizes Christmas and communicates the plans for Christmas with the extended family.

My sister is trying to continue the tradition of holiday baking with her twin daughters on a significantly smaller scale.  She wants me to be involved but it's just too hard and I just get sad, which is not something I want my nieces to witness.  They are children and they deserve to have the same childhood I did, full of excitement and joy, not sadness and loss.

My sister and I also go over to my parents' house to help my dad decorate since Christmas with the family has always been there.  This is also something that I no longer enjoy, since it was something I did with Mom who is now gone.  This and Jeff's death contribute to this overwhelming blanket of sadness that just hangs over me.

But such is life.  I gotta put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

There's a Japanese saying: Shakata ga nai, which means it cannot be helped, nothing can be done about it, it must be endured.

I miss the excitement and happiness around the holidays.

I miss the naivete of never having lost someone close to me because of death.

I miss the simplicity of being a child around the holidays.

I miss my mom and Jeff.

It Is All Right to Move Forward

I've been struggling since my beloved Bogey died.  I started going to therapy again twice a month and have been feeling anxious, especially because I was not there when she died.  I was able to be there when Jeff and my mom both died and I worry that my Bogey felt alone and needed me.

I am also realizing that without a dog in the house, I have so much less responsibility and have more freedom to travel and stay away from the house longer.  I miss my dog so much but I am enjoying the freedom not having a dog provides.  Along with this comes the guilt.  I dreaded the day Bogey would die and I'm having a hard time dealing with the juxtaposition of missing her so very much and enjoying not having the responsibility, which is when the guilt comes.

I am in a pretty good place in my life right now, especially with Wyoming, but for some reason I feel the need to punish myself by allowing guilt and sorrow to dull the happy times.  I understand on an intellectual level what is going on with me, but it is so hard to grapple with the emotions.  I know that a lot of these emotions stem from this specific time of year and the trauma associated with it.  I especially feel guilty around Jeff's anniversary with Wyoming living with me now.

I decided to go back and reread my favorite widow blogger, the blogger who got me through the first two years and who I looked up to for her strength and honesty.  Her husband died suddenly when she was 29 and she is now remarried with two children and hasn't written on her blog since 2016.  Even though she hasn't written in years, I still use her words to help me.

This specific post she wrote has helped me a lot this past week.  Her words remind me that it is all right to move forward, to love another, and to be happy, which is something that I've been struggling with a lot since Wyoming has moved in with me and Bogey died.

I am grateful that there is a community of widows that I may turn to for comfort and advice, even if I've never met them in real life.  That is the beauty of blogging and the widowed community.

Rough Start to the Holidays

It's been a week since my Bogey died suddenly.  This has been a very hard week.

I have such a difficult time emotionally around the holidays.  Jeff went into the hospital right before finals week five years ago and then died December 29th.  It's been very difficult to celebrate Christmas without my mom these past two years.  And now my Bogey died.

I am trying my hardest to handle all of this grief the healthiest way I know how.  I wrote a previous post at the beginning of November detailing the steps I have taken to recover and be happy again and I found myself returning to that post to help me through this next round of grief.  These are the things I'm doing right now:

• I am continuing to go to Pilates regularly even though I am so tired and heavy with grief.  I know in the long run that exercise is helping me.
• I am attempting to eat as healthy as possible, even though the effort it takes to meal prep and cook is exhausting.
• I have an appointment scheduled this month to see my therapist.
• I have been using specific essential oils to help with my grief, specifically Young Living's Release and Joy oils.  
• I also have an appointment to have an emotional release procedure done using Young Living essential oils with the same person who helped me deal with my grief right after Jeff died, the loss of my in-laws, and right before my mom's celebration of life. 

I know that all of these things are helping me because they have helped me deal with my grief in the past, but it doesn't mean that grief gets any easier when you lose a loved one.  The struggle continues to be arduous and tough but I also know that I will come out the other end intact if I take care of myself.

I recently read this quote by Anne Frank, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

This quote is a wonderful reminder to get out of your tunnel vision of grief and look around at what you have to be grateful for.  I know that when I practice finding three things I'm grateful for every day, it is a tremendous aid in bringing me out of the constant sadness.

I know through experience that taking care of myself and with enough time, the pain will be less sharp.  I need to stay the course and continue to do what is healthy and right for me to be able to get through the difficult holiday season with as much grace as possible and eventually recover.

Goodbye My Beloved Bogey

I can't believe I'm saying this but my dog died November 29th.  She either had a heart attack or seizure while I was at work and by the time Wyoming could get her to the vet, she had already died.  She died exactly one month shy of Jeff's five year anniversary.  She was my last living connection to Jeff.  He was the one to name her Bogey because he loved golf so much.

I guess Jeff just couldn't wait any longer for her.

I've only had her for seven and a half years.  I adopted her a few months after Jeff and I were married.  When I first brought her home, everyone including Jeff told me I got a lemon of a dog.  She was a sixteen pound disaster aesthetically and behaviorally.  But all it took was some tender loving care and some time and she really blossomed.  She was not a perfect dog by any means, but I always called her my diamond in the rough.

After she was cleaned up, Jeff fell in love with her.  She was his constant companion when he was going through radiation and chemotherapy and was right with him when he died.  Then she was my constant companion as we both grieved Jeff.

Wyoming is especially distraught over her death.  They struggled to get along at times but these last couple of months, they really grew to love each other.  He has been home with her everyday since he moved here.  He was still a little rough with her but they were really starting to get along.  He had started teaching her tricks and she would nap with him.  They went on walks and adventures together while I was at work.  He feels guilty that he wasn't able to save her in time and that we got into so many fights over how she should be treated.  He now has lost his two pit bulls and Bogey within two years of each other.  He can't stop crying.  He really grew attached to Bogey and now that she's gone, he regrets how hard he was on her.  He keeps saying that he just wants his buddy back.

I can't stop crying either.  The entire house is full of her.  She has a kennel outside, one in the garage, and one in our bedroom.  She has a bed in front of the fireplace, her toy box by the TV, her chew bones and toys spread throughout the entire house.  She has a water bowl upstairs in our bathroom, and her food dishes downstairs by the kitchen.  Last year, I bought stairs for her to get up on my bed, and she probably has more sweaters and costumes than I can count.  The sweater she was wearing when she died still smells like her.  I've kept it by my bed and continue to smell it.  I am dreading the moment her smell is gone.

I knew how much my dog meant to me, but you really don't notice how much your life revolves around your dog until they're gone.  Her feeding, sleeping, and potty routine are habits that are going to be hard to break.  Not seeing her in the mornings, hanging out with me while I watched TV or read, not having her follow me around the house as I did chores, and not hearing her bark with excitement and run out to greet me when I get home from work is absolutely devastating. 

I loved her so much before Jeff died, then loved her even more after he died, and now she's gone, just like he is.  I don't know what I'm going to do without her, just like I didn't know what to do without him.  But at least when Jeff died, I had Bogey to comfort me.

I hope he was there to greet her and I hope that they are happy together.  I just wish they both didn't leave me so soon.

I gathered up all of her chew bones she had scattered around the house and took this picture a few months before my Bogey died.

I will miss this face forever.

Wyoming and My Dog.

Now that Wyoming is officially here, there have been a few bumps in the road with both of us adjusting to living together, but the biggest bump so far is regarding my dog.   I rescued my terrier poodle mix the same year that Jeff and I were married.  Jeff wasn't happy about me adopting this little sixteen pound disaster of a dog but he insisted that because I got to choose her, he got to name her so I knew he was invested.

When I finally brought her home he thought she was dirty and ugly and told me to take her back.  But after we had her groomed and he got to know her, he absolutely fell head over heels in love with her.  She was his best buddy.  Sometimes I even got a little jealous of the two of them.

He told me after he was diagnosed that he wanted her ashes to be with his.  I joked with him that he didn't care where I went as long as he had the dog.  She was his constant companion the fourteen months he was going through radiation and chemotherapy after he was diagnosed.  She slept on his bed or under his bed when he finally came home from the hospital and was right there when he took his last breath.

I am obviously very attached to her and sometimes do not discipline her the way I should.

She is not good with small children and has bit and snapped at my nieces.  She is definitely not perfect but she is mine and I love her with all of my heart.  She is the last remaining thing I have of Jeff since I no longer speak to anyone in his family.

Since Wyoming has moved to town, he doesn't agree with how I treat my dog.  He thinks she needs more discipline and his idea of how to treat a dog is completely different than mine.  My dog spends all of her time inside when I'm home.  She's only outside when I'm not at home.  Wyoming is used to dogs being outside all of the time and definitely not on the furniture or bed.  He raised two pit bulls so he's used to bigger, tougher dogs.

He is rougher with my dog than I'm used to and she is so much smaller than his other two dogs that even when he's not disciplining her, just the way he plays and pets her is rough and she cries out because she's scared of him, which makes him angry, he thinks she's a big wuss.  I don't think he means to hurt her, because he has taught her tricks and is constantly giving her snacks and they even take naps together and they go for walks together when I'm at work, but he is much harder on her when she does something wrong than I would be.  I feel like he is at two extremes, he gives her too many snacks and feeds her from the table, which I don't allow.  I think she should only eat dog food not so much human food.  But he's also harder on her when he feels she needs to be disciplined when I don't think she needs to be disciplined that much or to that extreme.

It's definitely been a big struggle.  I know I'm overly attached and over protective of her, but she's my baby and there is definitely a "Jeff trigger" when it comes to my dog.

I have been going to therapy and trying to find a compromise.  Hopefully, Wyoming and I can come to an agreement about my dog and how she should be treated.  I don't want to lose him over my dog, but I also need my dog to not be anxious, which then helps with my own anxiety.  She is very important to me and she is the last remaining piece of Jeff I feel I have left.

A Break from Thanksgiving Tradition

The holiday season is upon us again.  Another year of holidays without Jeff and Mom but this year we are going to have our first break from our traditional Thanksgiving.

I wrote a post a couple of years back about how I had to organize Thanksgiving for the first time.  You can read it here.  That was the beginning of a new tradition since my mom couldn't organize it anymore.  Last year, my aunt hosted Thanksgiving.   This year, the majority of the family will not be in town for Thanksgiving.  My sister will be going to her husband's family, my aunt who hosted last year will be out in Arizona, and other family will be in Atlanta.

Now family being out of town for Thanksgiving isn't a big deal.  Thanksgiving's are very hit and miss for us.  Some years we have had almost 30 people for Thanksgiving and other years we've only had 5 people.  But this year, since a lot of family will be out of town, my dad suggested we just go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving instead of hosting.

If my mom was still here, there is no way we would ever have Thanksgiving at a restaurant.  She would host it for however many people were available to come.  No matter how many or how few, as long as we were in town, we always had a home cooked Thanksgiving meal at a family member's home.

I have been struggling with this break from tradition.  I know that things change over time but the idea of eating Thanksgiving in a restaurant in my own hometown kind of messes with me.

But I also know that I will be organizing Christmas again this year and we usually have about 30 people for Christmas.  In 2016, I organized both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was just too much for me.  I'm struggling between continuing a tradition and doing what is best for me physically, emotionally, and mentally during the holiday season, especially because Jeff started whole brain radiation around Thanksgiving and he died December 29th.  With a lot of responsibility and also being a bit of an emotional mess around the holidays, I've learned that I need to take care of myself.

At some point I need to let go of the traditions that shaped my childhood and early adult years.  At some point I need to embrace change, especially since both Mom and Jeff are now gone.  Maybe it's time to start new traditions?  Or maybe just not focus on traditions at all?

A Widow's Steps to Recovery and Happiness

When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer, I started exploring ways for us to live a healthier lifestyle.  I knew that I needed to take steps to better care for myself so I could take care of him.  After he died, I only had myself to take care of so I tried my very best to continue the steps I began while he was sick.  Below are the steps that I incorporated into my life and have continued since his passing.

Step 1:

Eating more whole/organic food and consuming less processed food was the first step.  I always kind of knew that processed food was bad for the body, but once Jeff got sick, I learned all about how processed food and synthetic chemicals affected the body, which can then lead to diseases such as cancer over time.

The main change I made was what I ate for breakfast.  I used to eat a bagel with cream cheese or a pre-made yogurt smoothie with a ton of sugar or some kind of granola bar for breakfast, but then I started making mostly organic smoothies before work.  I was buying a new Nutribullet every couple of years because I really liked the single serving, super efficient little blender but my frozen smoothie ingredients every morning were just too much for the little guy so I finally ended up investing in a Vitamix last year.  The Vitamix is definitely a power house and I love it for my smoothies.  My usual morning smoothie consists of frozen blueberries, banana, apple, carrots, broccoli, spinach and kale mix, greek yogurt and collagen powder.  These are very convenient because everything is frozen except for the greek yogurt and collagen powder.  I just pull it all out of the freezer and add the yogurt and collagen powder and blend (less time than it took me to toast and smear a bagel).  I try to use organic produce for my smoothies most of the time.  They give me a bunch of vitamins and nutrients and usually keep me full until lunch and they are so much better than the processed stuff I used to eat for breakfast.  I feel lighter, am less tired, sleep better, and am more able to focus in the mornings.

Step 2:

The next thing I focused on besides a healthier diet was exercise.  I have always been slightly active but I started becoming more focused once Jeff was diagnosed because of the stress and health benefits of working out.  By the time Jeff was diagnosed, I had already given up lifting weights at the gym and sporadic jogging due to knee injuries (surgery on both knees back in high school).  I had been taking yoga classes on and off, but they were getting expensive and I was frustrated because I was having a hard time finding instructors I liked.  Then a friend recommended Pilates.  After my first Pilates class I was hooked.  My favorite Pilates studio is called Club Pilates.  It is the best combination of breathing and focus, which are the things I liked about yoga and also incorporates core and other strength exercises.  I am very committed to Pilates and try to go three to four times a week now.  I think Pilates has helped my emotional and physical state immensely.

Step 3:

The next step I focused on was my mental and emotional health.  I knew that I was having issues with anxiety and depression after Jeff was diagnosed but I waited until after he died to finally get professional help.  I devoured any and all literature on grief, including pamphlets, books, blogs and other reading materials.  I met with a grief group twice a month the first year after Jeff died.  I was referred to the group through the hospice program Jeff was in but I'm sure through research there are all different kinds of groups available depending on the city.  I also started individual therapy and went on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication.  Group meetings, individual therapy, and medication definitely helped a lot those first few years.

I think medication for any issue should never be something that a person is ashamed of.  When my doctor suggested I start taking medicine, I knew it was something I needed to help me feel better.  I was on medication for a little over a year after Jeff died and then discussed options with my doctor about going off of medication.  We also talked about the signs to be aware of in case I needed to go back on my medication.  But my doctor also agreed that if I could manage without them and use more natural remedies, that she thought it was a good idea.  I also knew that I didn't want to be on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication forever, so I started researching other more natural ways to combat both.

Step 4:

The most recent step I have added is the use of essential oils.  I had been researching the use of essential oils to help with stress, anxiety, and insomnia and started off with a basic diffuser and essential oils that I bought at TJMAXX.  I didn't know very much about essential oils and the difference between the quality of them but as I did further research, I realized that it was just as important to buy quality oils as it is to buy quality food.  A friend told me about Young Living about 3 years ago, but at that time I was just not willing to spend that much money on oils when I could get them at discounted retail stores for very little money.  I thought I could get the same results from less expensive oils, which I realized later were much lower in quality.  It's taken me years to move from the lesser quality oils and move into cleaner, higher quality oils and have recently started buying my oils from Young Living.  I also heard that doTERRA and Floracopeia are also high quality brands.

I'm not going to say that essential oils solved all of my issues.  What I am going to say is that they help me deal with them in a healthier way.  There are so many awesome oils to help with so many different issues.  The main oils I love are the ones that help me deal with stress, anxiety, and sleeping.

It is important to do your research before you begin using essential oils.  Some essential oils are very potent and if used incorrectly could be harmful.  This is why I decided to start buying essential oils from Young Living.  Because I buy from Young Living, there is a whole community of people that I can turn to for questions on practically anything to do with essential oils.  I have now gotten awesome and safe recipes for allergies, insomnia, bronchitis, common colds, feeling run down, and weight loss support so far.  I feel like incorporating essential oils is just another step in taking care of myself along with proper nutrition, exercise, and therapy.

If anyone is interested in signing up to be a part of my awesome essential oils community, feel free to check out the sign up page here.  You DO NOT by any means need to sign up or buy anything though.  You can click on the tabs at the top to learn all about Young Living and just explore or you could look into doTERRA and Floracopeia, which are also quality brands of oils.  I do suggest if you are planning to start using essential oils that you do your research and try to find the best quality oils for your budget and needs and how to safely incorporate them into your life.

Adding essential oils has been the most recent step that I've taken to care for myself.  Just like healthy eating, therapy, and exercise, quality essential oils may be pricey but what I've realized is that we all take care of so many other people, monetarily and emotionally, that I feel justified in spending time and money on myself. 

We all need to make sure that we take the time to figure out what steps we need in order to recover and find happiness again.  It has taken me almost five years to figure out what works for me.  During that time, I have tried many different things, some with more success than others.  These four steps have worked for me so far and I plan on continuing to look for more steps that will help me continue to be happy.

Jeff's 43rd Birthday

These last few weeks, I've been traveling a lot.  I flew three times in one month: to my aunt's funeral in Washington, to Nuevo Vallarta for a family vacation, and then to Windsor, CA for a wedding.  I have been ridiculously busy trying to manage my life, house, and classroom since I've been gone so much.

I consciously knew that my birthday had passed (it was the same day as my aunt's funeral) and that October was right around the corner, which also means Jeff's birthday is approaching, but with all the travel and birthdays (in the month of September and October combined there are at least 8) the days have been whizzing by.  The other night while lying in bed, I was thinking about making brownies for a friend of mine who's birthday is this week and had a moment of panic.

It's Jeff's birthday next week!

A bunch of emotions flooded through me: sadness that he's not here, guilt that I haven't been preparing myself for his birthday and that it caught me by surprise, then confusion because I had a hard time figuring out how old he is, and then guilt again because I didn't know his age immediately.

When Jeff was alive, and for a few years after he was gone, we had an annual tradition of going to Las Vegas for October birthdays with all of our friends.  As we've gotten older and people started families, it became more and more difficult to organize those annual trips so we haven't gone for the last couple of years.  Without that tangible reminder and preparation, I experienced a sense of panic because I feel like I almost forgot Jeff's birthday.

I know I didn't forget it, but it's the idea that I could have.  It's ridiculous to think that because I don't think I will ever forget his birthday, but because it's not something that was on the forefront of my mind with all of the travel and just life in general consuming me, I think I ultimately feel guilty that I'm living and he's not.

I get this overwhelming sense of guilt that my life is really great.  I'm enjoying friends and family, watching my twin nieces hit milestones and grow, making home improvements, going on vacations, and living with Wyoming  I'm doing all of these things and living this wonderful life all without Jeff.  Survivor's guilt, maybe?

While I was lying in bed and trying to figure out how old Jeff is, (I actually had to do the math, which made me feel terrible), I had this visceral feeling that I was cheating on Jeff while Wyoming was lying in bed next to me.  I actually scooted away from him and thought about getting up.  I had to remind myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, but I felt like I was.  I felt like I was betraying Jeff.

I managed to recover relatively quickly, but those feelings of cheating on Jeff still pop up occasionally.  I took a big breath, sighed deeply, and felt a little better.  Then I spoke to Jeff and told him how much I loved and missed him.  I actually called him an old man since he's nearing his mid-forties, which made me smile because I would have definitely been calling him old if he was still here today.

Jeff will always be a part of my life, he will never leave me, and I know he wants me to be happy and continue to live.

Sometimes when I say those things, I'm not actually sure if I believe them or if I just say them because I know I'm supposed to.

I will always hate cancer for making me a widow.

My 39th Birthday

As my 39th birthday draws near, I can't help but think about how Jeff didn't make it to 39.  I know this was also something I thought about last year as I hit the 38 year mark.

I'm trying to identify the feeling and I think I've come down to a little bit of anger and a lot of sadness.  Angry that he was robbed of life and experiences so soon, but mainly sadness that he and I were both robbed of experiences together.

I think about how we would have changed in these last 5 years, not only as a couple together but also individually, if he would still be alive.

I just can't help but feel survivors guilt when I think about why his life was cut short and I'm still alive to learn and grow and experience.

It reminds me that every day is a gift.  We should all be grateful for the life we have and continue to strive for happiness, which has a different meaning for each of us.  Jeff only made it to 38 and didn't get the opportunity to see 39 years.

Through all the grief work I've done and all of the other losses I've experienced since he's been gone, I am truly grateful for the growth I've made and the happiness I've been able to find.

I still really hate cancer for making me a widow though.

So Much Death Yet So Much Gratitude

My aunt died suddenly last week of a heart attack.  I went to therapy the next day and spoke to my therapist about how it was affecting me.

My aunt dying suddenly brought up many different emotions.  Sadness was the first emotion of course and empathy for my uncle and cousin followed closely.  But the emotion that I was ultimately left with was one of gratitude.

I am so grateful that I was allowed the opportunity to have time with both Jeff and my mom before they died.  Since Jeff had lung cancer and Mom had MSA, we knew what their fate was so I was able to spend that quality time and not take the finite amount of time left for granted since neither of them died "unexpectedly."

I was much more able to do that with Mom than with Jeff since I had already learned so many lessons from Jeff, but I was still able to let Jeff know how important he was to me and I knew how important I was to him.

But my cousin and uncle were not able to get those opportunities.  My aunt was just going about her normal day when she had a heart attack and died before the paramedics could get her to the hospital.  My uncle was able to get home in time to see the paramedics working on my aunt but my cousin lives a few hours away and did not make it in time to see her mom before she died.  Both my uncle and cousin suddenly had their whole lives change unexpectedly.

I am so grateful that I had the time and opportunity with Jeff and my mom to say good bye before they died, to tell them how much I loved them, and to attempt to prepare myself for what my life would be like without them, even though I still don't feel like one can ever prepare oneself for such devastating losses.

I am living with huge voids but at least I had the chance to to let them know how much they meant to me and I was able to know how much I meant to them.

I've had so much death in these last 5 years, but it has taught me to have so much gratitude as well.

I recently read a great blog post called "Focusing on Everyday Gratitude."  If you struggle with finding gratitude in tough life situations and circumstances or just every day in general, she gives some good tips about how to be grateful everyday.

Mom's First Year

July 21st was the anniversary of my mom passing.  She's been gone a year and I had a rough time with it.

I miss her very much and it doesn't help with all of the stress of starting the new school year.  I just felt so tired and unmotivated and my body was literally heavy with grief.  I had myself a good cry in the morning, then went to see her at the cemetery (saw Jeff too) and tried to get on with my day.

And like every other day, the sun still rose and set and life moved forward, which is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I miss you Mom, every day

A Not Forgotten Anniversary

Wyoming and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary together.  Since he's been in town, it's been a bit of a rough transition.  Overall, I think things are going well, but sometimes sharing space with a significant other can be challenging in the beginning.

Our 3 year anniversary landed on the Friday before Mother's Day.  I wrote about how difficult Mother's Day was for me this year in this blog post.

Because Wyoming and I had been fighting, neither one of us mentioned our anniversary.  The morning of our actual anniversary we got into a pretty big fight before I left for work.  Neither one of us said anything about our anniversary and I thought he forgot about it and he thought I forgot about it, but he surprised me by bringing a flower arrangement to my pilates studio after class and giving it to me.  Little did he know, that I had a big basket of about 30 different types of candies all wrapped up in my car for him, he has a huge sweet tooth.

I got a bouquet of flowers and he got a bouquet of candy.  It was perfect.

Wyoming admitted that he was pretty upset the morning of our anniversary because I was cranky and sad and I didn't mention our anniversary so he "got all up in his feelings."

We didn't go out to dinner or do anything fancy like previous years since I was still pretty sad about Mother's Day so I have a feeling we will celebrate later.

Navigating grief and love and grief and new relationships is hard.  But I am trying my best to be happy and to move forward.  I am grateful for all of the people who put up with me and my moodiness as I deal with my grief.