Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I found it pretty hard.  I was pretty tense and irritable the week leading up to Mother's Day and with Wyoming in my space, he had a hard time handling my irritability.

I feel like he expects me to not be irritable and thinks he can make it better.  He can't make it better, only I have the control to make it better.  I ultimately control my own happiness.  Things can happen around me, things can happen to me, but only I control my response.

My response to this first Mother's Day without my mom was to be irritable and sad.  Nothing he can do or say will change that and he wasn't happy about it and as he kept pushing me and taking it personally, it only led to a fight.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him moving here to be with me, but my grief is too big right now that I had nothing left to give him at the time.  I needed to be left alone and that's what I told him, but, understandably, he felt like he moved here so I wouldn't be alone and he wanted to help.  Even though I told him what I needed, he didn't listen.

Knowing what I know about  myself and grief since Jeff has died tells me that coming up to big anniversaries, holidays, and significant dates, my anxiety grows and manifests itself in irritability.  I wish this is something that I could change but I feel like at least I recognize it.  I tend to turn inward and just want to be left alone until the date passes or until I have some kind of breakdown.

I'm sure this is not easy to live with but I need him to understand that it's not personal.  This has nothing to do with him.  But he takes it personally and doesn't understand why I'm being mean to him.  I don't feel like I'm being mean to him, I just don't want to pretend that I'm happy or okay.  I just want to be left alone.

What you see is what you get with me.  If I'm happy, or sad, or anxious, or irritable, or frustrated, or angry, or excited everyone around me knows it.  If it's a positive feeling, it's nice to be around other people but when I'm feeling negative, I try to remove myself so I don't take it out on others.  Right now, Wyoming has no where to go since the land isn't ready for him to move on to yet and he doesn't have a job so he's stuck with this cranky person in a house that isn't his.

It's not a good situation for either of us.  It just made Mother's Day harder for me.

Jeff and I had 10 years together, and don't get my wrong, we definitely got on each other's nerves, but we had spent so much time together and gotten through so much together that he knew how to read me and instead of pushing me, he would give me my space until I came around.  Wyoming doesn't know this yet.  Hopefully he's starting to figure it out and realize that when I say I need something (like to be left alone), he will listen.  We've been together for almost three years now, but the majority of our relationship so far has been long distance.  We are definitely still learning a lot about how to be in each other's space full time.

I miss my mom and I miss Jeff.  Hopefully they are together shaking their head at me and calling me a brat.