Four Years

It's been four years since I lost my best friend and partner. I cried this morning but I think the real sharp pain is from missing my mom, even though it's Jeff's four year anniversary today.  She is my original best friend and confidant. I pretty much told her everything in my life. When I think about him, I immediately think about her.

Jeff and my mom are two of my absolute favorite people.  

I hope they're together taking care of each other. I selfishly wish they were still here to take care of me and for me to take care of them. I miss them fiercely. My grief for them is infinite. 

The New Year is always right around the corner at Jeff's anniversary pressuring me and reminding me that life is what I choose to make it.  Life is short, I need to continue to strive for happiness even in my grief. 

I hope I continue to honor them both and their memories.

Bring on the New Year. 

Jeff's Revenge on Christmas

Christmas has always been a huge deal in my family.  It used to take my mom and me a full day to decorate the house for Christmas.  It was like Christmas threw up in our house.  Then we would spend 3-4 days making hundreds and hundreds of Christmas cookies, bars, fudges and other confections. 

Every year, Jeff would shake his head at me when I would come home from my parent's house after a 10 hour day, covered in flour and exhausted from making so many holiday treats only to wake up and do it again the next day and the next day and the next day.  I didn't make any Christmas treats the year Jeff got sick and I haven't made them since.  I don't find any joy in it anymore.  My sister has since taken over that tradition.

My immediate family would have a big Christmas Eve dinner and then the extended family would come over around 10 am Christmas morning to have breakfast and not leave until close to 11 pm after the presents were opened and lunch and dinner were served.  Christmas in my family truly is a marathon.

Jeff was always blown away at my family's Christmas traditions.  The first Christmas he spent at my family's house, after a couple of hours, he wondered why we were still there.  I explained to him that we had at least another 10 hours or so and the look on his face was priceless.  He said his family Christmas lasted no more than 3 hours.

The noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed him.  He actually had to go sit in the corner of the garage (which was the only quiet place in the house) by himself and get some quiet time that first year.  I love telling that story to people.  He eventually got used to the long Christmas at my family's house but I don't think he ever really enjoyed it.

After Jeff died, the noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed me and I found myself holed up in the back bedroom of my parent's house overcome with anxiety.  These last couple of years have been better, especially when I had to take on more responsibility for planning and helping my parent's host Christmas once my mom got sick.

Since Jeff died around Christmas, Christmas has taken on a new meaning to me, it is a bit tainted because there is so much trauma and pain surrounding it.  Now with Mom gone as well, we are trying to maintain all of the traditions that she created but that in itself is also painful.

Ironically, thinking about how Jeff has changed Christmas for me right now brings a little smile to my face because Jeff always hated Christmas.  His father experienced many traumatic things around Christmas in his own childhood and Jeff's dad worked in the grocery business so Christmas was always long hours and stress for him, so I think Jeff saw Christmas as more of a negative thing growing up.

Then when Jeff started working for UPS at nineteen years old, Christmas always signified exhaustion and stress to him as well.  Maybe Jeff got his revenge on Christmas finally.  For some reason that brings a little smile to my face and I just have to say, well done Jeff, well done.

Last Day of the Semester

The last day of the semester is always bittersweet for me.  It's such a great day because grades are done, staff and students are happy because we are about to embark on a three week break, and the holidays are upon us.  The students are filled with joy and excitement. Their attitudes are contagious.

But then I'm always brought back to this same day four years ago where I was giving out final grades to my students and I got the phone call from the doctor at the hospital telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff and that it was time for hospice.  He came home a couple of days before Christmas Eve and died December 29th, 2013.

I try to enjoy the holidays and this time of year.  I'm looking forward to Christmas and celebrations with family and friends, watching my nieces open their presents, and getting ready for the New Year.  But I can't help but be sad.  I can't help but think about the pain and heartbreak I felt then.  It was such a traumatic time for me four years ago.  The first year after, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. With time, the pain and sadness have been less sharp.   Every year I have found more and more happiness and the sadness has lessened and I hope as time goes by that this pain and sadness continues to dull.   But I also know that it will never completely go away.  What I have experienced has changed me.

When I think about Jeff's birthday, our wedding anniversary, and other milestones, it's easier for me to remember happy times.  But getting that phone call saying that death was imminent for my husband, I cannot think of anything to be grateful for or happy about regarding that day.  It only brings back pain.  I want to push it down and forget it.  I want to ignore it and pretend it never happened.  But I also want to heal and healing only comes through acknowledgement and dealing with it, not denying it or avoiding it.

I'm happy and excited for my three week break and making it through another semester.  But my husbands death mars it every year and it always will.

Another Breakdown

I had another breakdown last night.  This one might have been worse than the one I had a couple of days ago.

I definitely know what the trigger was for the one last night.  Last night was the night four years ago that a baseball sized tumor on Jeff's adrenal gland we didn't even know was there burst and started bleeding into his abdomen.  He was in enormous pain but we didn't know at the time what was causing the pain.  I wanted to take him to the ER but he told me that he didn't want to go.  I called his mom and she demanded that I call an ambulance if he refused to go to the hospital.  Jeff told me he would never forgive me if I made him go to the hospital that night.  He got into bed and said he just wanted to lay in bed and try to sleep.  I was so distraught that I needed to take anti-anxiety medicine in order to avoid a panic attack.

I woke up in the morning and started getting ready for work while Jeff was sleeping.  As I was leaving for work he told me he was ready to go to the hospital.  He was in the hospital for a little over a week.  We got him home right before Christmas Eve.  He died December 29th.

Last night the dog I adopted right after Jeff and I married was acting very strange.  She was crying out frequently any time I tried to pick her up or move her if she was sleeping near or on me.  I was very distraught because I couldn't figure out why she was crying.  I kept feeling around her stomach, ribs, legs, paws to see what was causing her pain and she wouldn't cry out while I was palpating but any time I tried to move her or make her move, she would cry out sharply.  I couldn't decide if I should take her to the emergency veterinarian or not and it brought back the same anxiety as I felt exactly four years ago with Jeff.  It was like I was reliving that moment over again.

Luckily, Wyoming was there to help with the situation.  He decided it was best to let my dog sleep in her kennel and see how she was in the morning.  I told him I was afraid that when we went to check on her in the morning that she would be dead.  He was confident she would be fine.

This morning, I found out that he barely slept.  He checked on her throughout the night to make sure she was doing ok.  He said that he took her out to go potty and she didn't cry and didn't limp.  This morning she seemed fine.

I am exhausted this morning from crying and worrying.  I try and separate the incident with Jeff and my dog but my emotions get the best of me and it's all I can do to calm myself down and not have a full blown panic attack.

My dog means so much to me.  She is the last remaining living thing I have of Jeff.  Since Jeff's family broke all contact with me over three years ago, she is the last piece of Jeff I feel I have left.  He named her.  She was there while he was home, keeping him company while he was on disability and going through radiation and chemotherapy.  She wouldn't leave his side when he came home from the hospital the six days before he died.  He actually told me that he wanted her ashes with him.  He didn't care where my ashes went but he definitely wanted our dog's ashes with him.

I know my dog will die one day.  It's inevitable.  But all I could think about last night was how I just couldn't handle her dying the month Jeff died and over the first holidays without my mom.

Wyoming says I'm strong and can handle anything but he also admits I may need some extra help.  So I scheduled a bereavement group meeting and am going back to some of the coping skills I used right when Jeff died.  I was hyper-vigilant when Jeff died about taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I know I've been lax about taking care of myself since Mom died.  I am sure there is a correlation, which is causing me to have such a hard time right now.

Just like physically taking care of myself by eating well and working out, I need to take care of myself emotionally and mentally by doing the same grief work I did right after Jeff died.

It's depressing to think that even after four years, I still have to work so hard.  I wonder if Mom hadn't died if I would be struggling this much right now.  But I guess it doesn't really matter, I am where I am.  It is what it is.

I can either lay down and let the misery of grief suffocate me, or I can stand up to my grief, face it head on and do the work required to overcome it.  I'm just tired of feeling panic and sadness these last couple of weeks so it's time to do something about it.

I know what needs to be done so I just need to do it.

Breakdown

I knew it was coming.  I could feel it and I wrote a little about it in my last post.  I guess there's just really nothing I could have done to prevent it.  Grief demands to be addressed.  At least I know what the trigger was that ultimately caused the breakdown.

Jeff bought a condo before we started dating and I moved into his condo a couple years after we started dating.  We lived there until I bought my house and he decided to move in with me.

It's been nine years since I've been back to Jeff's condo.  We have been renting it out using a property manager.  But a few months ago my cousin and her boyfriend moved into it.  I drove into the complex right after they moved in and felt very anxious about it so I never actually went inside.  I've been avoiding going inside for months because I didn't want to deal with the anxiety and emotions surrounding Jeff's condo.  But my cousin and her boyfriend needed help putting a new refrigerator in so Wyoming and I went over to help.

I was very anxious driving into the complex and then going inside the condo.  I took some time to look around and the memories came flooding back.  I remembered where our furniture was.  I remembered what it looked like when I moved in and the changes I made to it after I moved in.  I remembered the good times and the beginning of our love story.  I did pretty well while I was there but once we left I had a bit of a panic attack.  I couldn't catch my breath and I tried to distract myself and tried to prevent a total meltdown, but grief demanded to be addressed.

The floodgates opened and I couldn't stop crying.  I was devastated at the life I lost when Jeff died.  I don't know how to describe the pain and loss I felt, it was so visceral, just like when he first died.  Then I thought about how I just wanted to talk to my mom and remembered that she was also gone.  My memories of Jeff and my memories of my childhood and the times I turned to my mom for comfort intertwined and I was inconsolable.  My grief was overwhelming.

Wyoming did a good job comforting me but I was overcome and cried for a while.  We were supposed to be helping my dad decorate for Christmas right after helping my cousin and her boyfriend with their new refrigerator so I tried to pick myself up and help my dad but I was just so sad.  The next day, I was exhausted.  I call it an emotional hangover.

It's been a few days now and I feel better even though today is the anniversary of Jeff going into the hospital a few days before he died.

I try and remind myself all the time that even though I have experienced so much loss and grief, that I still have a pretty awesome life.  My relationships with my family and friends all seem to be back in a place that is comfortable and close again, I have an awesome job, I'm beginning a new life with Wyoming, and I'm healthy and alive.

The New Year is coming up and Wyoming and I have big plans to go snowmobiling, which I've never done before.  There is so much to look forward to, so I need to focus on the future and all that is good in my life and not focus on the past and what I've lost, even though my loss is tremendous.

I miss Jeff and my mom terribly, but I know they would want me to be happy.

The Holidays Are Hard

Right around this time can be hard for me.  The end of the semester is always difficult because teachers are finalizing grades and giving finals while dealing with very demanding students and parents who want to know what they can do before final grades are due to improve their grades.  Plus all of the regular holiday stresses.

On top of all of that, Jeff started whole brain radiation right around Thanksgiving, he also went into the hospital right before finals week and stayed in the hospital during finals week only to come home the day after the semester ended.  He died December 29th.

On top of all of this stress, I'm really being affected by this being the first holidays without my mom.  I've just been plowing through.  I haven't been taking the time to reflect and meditate.  I haven't taken the time to sit with my feelings and memories.  I think I've just been pushing them down and expecting to deal with them later because I've been so busy.  And let's be honest, dealing with sad and difficult feelings and memories is painful and nobody wants to deal with pain, especially around the holidays.

I need to refocus so I don't lose my mind and have a total breakdown.  Not only am I dealing with the grief from Jeff still, but now I'm also dealing with the grief of losing my mother.

I miss the days before death and illness affected my life, when I could truly celebrate the holidays with no sadness.  I miss the naivete and innocence of my past.

Almost Four Years

Three years and eleven months today.  I still think about him and miss him everyday.

What a Great Thanksgiving!

I had a fantastic Thanksgiving yesterday. My aunt hosted so I was pretty much stress free since I was only responsible for a handful of dishes.  I got to sleep in, leisurely cook, and go to a Pilates class which was so refreshing compared to last years 4:30am alarm to start cooking and the mad dash of getting everything prepared and ready to transfer to my parent's house.  Last year was full of the stress of hosting and it was still a great Thanksgiving, but it's nice not to be in charge and just be able to enjoy the day.

It was also Wyoming's first Thanksgiving with my family and it was so nice having him here. Everybody was very welcoming and he fit right in with my crazy family. There was plenty of fantastic food, lots of interesting conversation, and a ton of laughter.

I did think of Jeff, Grandma, Uncle Jerry and Mom but didn't dwell on the sadness of missing them. I am definitely thankful for having had all of them in my life and also thankful for the people I still have in my life.  I couldn't have asked for a better Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving

Last year I was in charge of organizing Thanksgiving for my immediate and extended family.  This year my aunt decided that she would host Thanksgiving, which has taken an enormous amount of work off of my shoulders.

We have rarely had Thanksgiving at anyone else's house other than at my parents' house.  I think my sister hosted one year because her in-laws were in town, but last year and again this year, she will be going out of town to spend Thanksgiving with her in-laws.  The majority of the years, practically all holidays have been spent at my parents' house.

Some family members were a little hesitant about the first Thanksgiving without my mom being somewhere other than the usual tradition of it being at my parents' house, but I think change is inevitable and it needs to be embraced.  Plus, my aunt hosting takes a lot of pressure off of me not having to host and organize Thanksgiving this year like I did last year.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving; spending time with family, eating good food, having very little responsibility and stress, and Wyoming is in town for his first Thanksgiving with my family.

I will of course miss Jeff and my mom terribly but there are still a lot of things to be thankful for.

Hopefully no matter what is going on in your life, you can find something to be thankful for.

My Dad Went Out on His First Date

This past weekend I went over to my parent's house (well I guess it's just my dad's house now that my mom is gone but I'm not quite sure when I'll stop calling it my parent's house) for our weekly Sunday BBQ.

I needed to drop my car off to get the oil changed and my dad met me there and picked me up.  I got in his car and asked him how things were going.  He told me that he is a little at a loss because he said in the past couple of weeks 3 single lady acquaintances have been very forward about letting him know that they were willing and waiting to date him and then proceeded to give their phone numbers to him.

He was very surprised that these three women were so forward and were willing to give him their phone numbers without being asked.  I'm not surprised.  My dad is a very attractive man, in good health, with plenty of money, and very little baggage since my sister and I are grown and take care of ourselves.  He said it seemed like they waited 3 months after mom died and now they are all coming forward and it is a bit overwhelming for him.

He said he wasn't quite sure what to do.  I told him if these women are this confident and forward then he needs to be honest with them and tell them that he's new to this and unsure of how he feels about it. 

I asked him if he found any of these women attractive and would enjoy spending some time with them.  He specifically talked about one woman he used to work with before he retired and that he thought she was attractive and enjoyed her personality and she also didn't seem to have too much baggage since her children were grown, she's been divorced for 10 years, and has her own money.

He decided to give her a call and met her for a beer.  He seemed to enjoy the time and said he was thinking about calling her again to have lunch.

My dad and I discussed the fact that Mom was ok with Dad dating after she was gone and he expressed that he wasn't feeling any guilt over wanting to spend time with another woman.

I'm glad that my dad has no guilt.  Guilt is the biggest thing I struggle with now that Jeff is gone (Hello guilt monster!)  Jeff and I never had the conversation about dating after he died so it makes me very happy that my parents were able to have their conversation and Dad can transition easily hopefully with very little or no guilt about anything.

I'm sure this first date is the beginning of many more for my father and I couldn't be happier for him.

Maria and Judy Are Back

Remember when I wrote about how my oldest friends didn't want to be my friends anymore?  You can read about it here if you missed it or don't remember.

Since my mom died, my relationships with Maria and Judy have slowly improved.  They have known my mom since we were all in middle and high school and my house was the place to hang out.  They highly respected my mom and loved her very much.

They were very hands on with the planning and organizing of my mom's celebrations of life.  They were very dependable and gracious.  Since then, we have slowly begun to mend our friendships. They both met Wyoming when he came into town for my mom's celebrations of life and were respectful and kind.  I cannot ask for anything more.

I am glad that we are coming back together.  Our friendships will not go back to the way they were and I'm fine with that.  People evolve and so do relationships.  We cannot hold on to the past, or worry about the future too much.  We have to live in the present and enjoy what's right in front of us.

Right now, I'm enjoying Maria and Judy back in my life.

Another Birthday

I turned 38 on September 22, the same age Jeff was when he died.  I think about that sometimes.  He only got 38 years, who knows how many more I'll get.  He died about 2 months after he turned 38.

Wyoming took me to a little private resort on an island off the coast of Belize for my birthday.  It was absolutely fantastic and a great way to celebrate my birthday.  I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I still think about Jeff every day.  I wonder sometimes what our life would be like if he never got cancer, if he was still alive.  Would I have made the switch to another school?  Would we have been pressured to have a baby?  I think about how he would have handled watching my mom during her illness and how he would have responded to her death.  Would we have traveled as much as I have traveled with Wyoming in the past 3 and a half years?

It's crazy to sit and think about some of these kinds of questions, the road your life is on and how certain blocks and barriers and choices affect your journey.  Sometimes I think that once I make it 2 months after my 38th birthday, I feel like it is borrowed time since Jeff didn't get more time.  When I think these thoughts, it reminds me that I need to live a full and happy life.  I think about how I need to make the best out of every situation since Jeff didn't get the same opportunity, I don't want to squander the extra time that he didn't get.  I don't think I have as much guilt about moving forward (I say that now, and hope that my guilt monster isn't scheming to wage war against me) and being happy.

Jeff's 42nd birthday is coming up October 24th and we aren't planning to go to Las Vegas as of now.  This may be the first year since he's been gone that I won't celebrate Jeff's birthday in Las Vegas.  His friends decided to finally switch it up and went to Denver last year instead of Vegas.  I don't know what they are planning for this year.  It makes me a little sad but I also feel ok about it.  Everybody moves forward at some point in time.  We can't live in the past, we have to do what is right for us in the present, even if it means giving up decades old traditions.

Another birthday without Jeff.  I know he's wishing me a happy birthday and is smiling down on me with that big goofy grin of his.

Trauma Island's Fate?

Not only did Hurricane Irma ruin my dad's first vacation after my mom died but it also destroyed Trauma Island.  Hopefully I will never need Trauma Island again in my life, but I took such comfort in knowing that it was always there to help me and others close to me if needed.

Hurricane Irma also destroyed the Caribbean Island that Jeff and I honeymooned on.

My heart goes out to all those affected by Hurricane Irma.  I hope Trauma Island can recover and rebuild just like it helped me recover and rebuild after Jeff died.

Dad's First Vacation Without Mom

My dad went on his first vacation without my mom this month.  He and one of his best friends that he's known for over 40 years rented a house in the Florida keys from September 1st through September 30th.

Well if anybody followed the news, Hurricane Irma destroyed the Florida keys on September 10th.  My dad and his friend managed to get a flight to Miami September 5th, then rent a car and drive in traffic for two days to make their way up to Atlanta to stay with my uncle.  My dad booked a flight home for tomorrow from Atlanta and his friend drove to Alabama to be with his daughter.

Luckily, my dad was able to get out of the keys a few days before Irma hit but obviously they can't go back to enjoy the rest of the vacation because of all the damage.

It has been a harrowing week with my dad being in the path of a category 5 hurricane but I'm so happy that he is safe.

I guess his first vacation without my mom didn't go all that well, but when I really start thinking about it, it could have been a lot worse.  I think my mom looked out for him in her own way, since many people did not get out of the keys in time.

I hope this doesn't stop my dad from taking another vacation.

I Feel His Pain

We had my mother's celebration of life last weekend.  It was terrible and wonderful at the same time. My father is a very social person and he definitely needed the support and love from the over 200 people who attended.  But as we all know, the real work begins after the celebrations and ceremonies are over.

The pain my father feels and will experience down the line is so visceral and takes me back to those early days after Jeff died where I was lost and vulnerable and exposed.  I know I'm projecting and my experience is not my father's experience but the trauma of losing Jeff was so horrible.  The pain I felt was so intense.  It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, the loss of control as well as an enormous void.  All of that comes right back when I look at my father.  I can feel his pain.

Looking back, I thought I was doing okay at the time, but watching my aunt going through her first year without my uncle and seeing her make some not so great decisions reminds me of my first year without Jeff and some of my not so great decisions.  But I now accept that it was all part of my journey.

I know my dad will experience mourning his own way.  I know that my aunt's journey and my journey through grief will not be my father's journey, but I do know that he will go through some very dark and painful times.

I feel a little guilty that my mom's death hasn't affected me nearly as bad as Jeff's death affected me. I know that there are many factors for not having the anxiety or trauma at the same level.  I don't know why I feel like I should suffer more than I am.  My rational mind knows that my mom doesn't want me to suffer now that she's gone, but for some reason the guilt of not suffering ruins it.

Is this another form of a guilt monster?

I hope my father's new normal comes as easily as possible to him.  I hope his pain doesn't cut too deep.  I hope I can support him in the way that he needs me.  I hope he finds happiness again.

I wish I could take away some of his pain, but I know that he has to go on this journey on his own.  I hope that I can accompany him and help him when he falls but I also know that I cannot carry him or rush him.  This is his journey and his alone.

I don't envy what he's going through and what is ahead for him, I would like to take away his pain, but because I know that pain first hand, I am ashamed to admit that I'm relieved that I am no longer at the beginning of severe grief any longer.

That level of pain and loss scares me but I cannot run from it.  It is not fair to him or me if I run.  I would like to think that I am strong enough, more prepared, and capable of surviving anything but anxiety is an ugly thing.

I need to continue to think positively so that I can help my father when he needs me.  But watching him brings me to such an anxious and dark place.  I need to be strong for him and strong for me.

But I can literally feel his pain.

My Mom Said To Look For Signs

While my mom was in hospice, we talked about the spiritual world and I asked her to be sure to come back and check on me.  She told me to look for signs.  Sometimes I can be a bit oblivious in normal everyday life, so my mom would literally have to smack me at times to get my attention.  I told her to smack me from the spiritual world so I don't miss her signs.

I believe that my mom has sent me signs.  A few days after my mom died, I was driving in my car and a yellow and black butterfly was flying very close to my windshield.  It stayed hovering in front of my windshield for about 30 seconds, even though the car was moving, it maintained the same position.  I have never had a butterfly hang out that long.  Usually they flit about and disappear before I can get a really good look at them.  I immediately thought it was a sign from my mom.

A few days after the first butterfly incident, I was walking my dog on a trail that I have walked on for the past 7 years where I rarely ever see butterflies.  Another yellow and black butterfly, around the same size as the butterfly I saw in my car, flew around me while I was walking and hung around for another 30 seconds or so.  I immediately remembered the previous butterfly I had seen while driving and had a sense that mom was coming to visit again.

I have seen the same yellow and black butterfly twice now.  I honestly think that it is not a coincidence, that it is my mom coming to say hi and she is flitting about like she did before she got sick.  She is free to fly around now after being bedridden for over a year.

I felt a sense of peace and calm both times I saw that yellow and black butterfly and was able to take some much needed, satisfying deep breaths.

I hope mom comes to visit again soon.

Goodbye Mom, You'll Be Missed

My mother died on July 21, 2017 at 10:50pm.  She was the second eldest child of five children.  Her older brother died about 9 months ago.

My mother has been described as kind, strong, practical, private, intelligent, selfless, but most of all she has been described as being humble.  She didn't want to have any kind of service after she passed and she didn't want people to make a big fuss about her after she was gone, just like she never liked a big fuss made while she was alive.

My dad told her that he would honor any wish she desired except for her wish to not have a celebration of her life.  He told her that a celebration of life is more for the living.  Being the strong woman that she was, she still told him that she didn't want one.  Being the strong man my dad is, he continued to talk her into it until he finally convinced my mom that we were going to have a celebration of her life.

His main argument was that people need to pay their respects, that respect is not automatic, it is earned and I hate to admit to my dad when he is right, but I have no problem admitting that he was right this time.  She definitely earned a lot of respect.

When my mom finally did relent about having a celebration of her life, she told him that she wanted something small, with just close friends and family, I joked with her that she better make a list because her idea of small and intimate and dad's idea of small and intimate are two completely different definitions.

We also had to emphasize to her that there would be too many people who would want to pay their respects and there was no way we could ever deny them.  We reminded her about all of the people who visited her while her disease progressed and how important she was to everyone.  My mom truly had no idea the impact she made on others.

My mom was such a selfless woman.  She took care of all of those around her before she took care of herself.  I told her that as her disease progressed that she needed to finally relax and let all of us take care of her, that it was her time to be lazy and demanding.  But I also know how much she hated being dependent and on the sidelines.  She expressed multiple times how frustrated she was that her body was betraying her.

But throughout her disease, she never complained.  I believe that she was able to be so strong through it all and tolerate such a debilitating disease because she had my father taking enormously great care of her.  There is not another soul on this earth who could have done a better job caring and comforting my mother than my dad.  In the end, she drew strength from him and looked to him for relief.

My mom was a very private person, but when she was asked a direct question she would open up. She told me that her proudest achievements in her life were her daughters.  Her biggest regret was that she wasn't able to travel as much as she wanted.  She wanted to see and do so many more things.

Our family has suffered some devastating losses in the last few years.  Through those losses, my mom has been the rock in our family.  Her wisdom, selflessness, and firmness have always guided the entire family.  She led by example.

She can never be replaced.  Now that she is gone, our family will remain strong and steadfast together because that is what she wanted.  Family was the most important thing to her.

She will be missed terribly.  She is still watching and guiding us in her own way.  We will take comfort in our memories of her and she will always be in our hearts.

It Comes To All

"It comes to all.  We know not when,

or how, or why.  It's always been

a mystery, a frightening thing, 

enshrouded in the silencing.

When suddenly a loved one dies 

we seem to sort of paralyze,

to just stop still within our track.

And oh, how much we want them back."

excerpted from "When A Loved One Dies"

by Dolores Dahl, Suddenly Alone

Mom Has Pneumonia

A couple of days ago my mom aspirated while taking her medication.  She now has pneumonia.

Pneumonia is usually what kills people who are suffering from MSA.  We are hoping she pulls through the pneumonia, but since she is in hospice and doesn't want to be intubated or hospitalized, all the doctors can do is treat her with antibiotics and oxygen.

I know I need to be ready to let her go and I hope that I survive losing her.

But I'm not ready, just like I wasn't ready to lose Jeff.

Living Trust and Will

Once Jeff died, I knew that I needed to create a living trust and will.

It has taken me three and a half years to finally contact a lawyer and get it done.  

It's strange to sit in an office and decide who should get my properties, investments, and belongings when I die.  When you're married, for most of us, it's simple...your spouse gets everything for the most part.  I know there are those of us who are on their second or third marriages with children from previous relationships and of course they don't automatically give everything to their spouse but for me, I was only married once and have no children.

Now I need to decide who is going to get everything I've worked for and achieved my entire life, who is going to execute my wishes, who is responsible for making financial and health decisions for me in case I'm incapacitated, etc.

There are a lot of decisions to make.

When Jeff and I were married, it was simple.  Jeff's name followed every one of those decisions. Before Jeff, my mom was the person I wanted to make all those decisions.  Now that my mom is in hospice, she is no longer an option either.

In four years, I went from having the two most important people to put down as decision makers and emergency contacts, and now I cannot use either one of them.

Three years ago this fact would have devastated me.  Now, I realize that I am so much stronger and I can stand on my own without having the people I automatically fell back on.

This fact of losing Jeff and losing my mom soon also reminds me that I need to be grateful for those I do have in my life that I can depend on to make these decisions.  It makes me sad that I needed to find new people, but it also reminds me that I need to be grateful that I have found these new people.

This all reminds me yet again that life is short, to surround myself with people who are meaningful, that I need to live every day to the best of my ability, and to try to have no regrets.

Some Time To Process

Since my last post, I've had some time to process the fact that people who have been in my life for over 20 years don't want to be my friends anymore.

I've gone through the different emotions of grief, mainly anger and sadness, but overall I've come to realize that I need to stop wasting my time and energy on people who don't love and support me.  I can't make people love me or want to be friends with me.

I'm trying to be as strong as a fellow widow blogger. As The Polished Widow says:

"I have had friends say, while they are happy to still be friends with me, they don’t want to get to know my new husband.

To this I say, if you can’t acknowledge my future, then you don’t have a place in my life.

For friends to say ‘out of respect to Nick’ they don’t want to know John, then it’s their loss, because Nick wouldn’t want that either.

While I understand it may be ‘weird’ for some to see me with someone new, I have managed to be in a place where i’m very comfortable with it, so please don’t project your own insecurities on me."

Even though these people don't want to be friends with me right now, I'm hoping that we will come back to each other in the future, but I've come to accept that we may not and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I will continue to embrace those who do love me and want to be my friends right now.  That is where I need to spend my time and energy.

Isn't It Ironic

When I first began this blog, I was a  couple weeks out from my husband dying.  At the time, my girlfriends were my saving grace.  My blog's URL does have "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it for a reason.

I find it ironic that I'm sitting here now with puffy eyes from crying most of the night last night over two of my girlfriends who have been purposefully excluding me from group gatherings and activities. These two girls have been my friends for over 20 years.

I have been noticing for the last year and a half or so that these two specific friends, Maria and Judy, have grown distant from me and closer to each other.  Judy voiced her disapproval of me continuing a relationship with Wyoming when I first started getting serious with him a year and a half ago, while Maria hasn't specifically said why she has grown distant.  Maria and Judy are the only two friends of mine that haven't met Wyoming yet.

I had a long phone call with Judy last night and specifically asked her why I'm not invited to the whole group dinner parties, holiday BBQ's, and out of town trips that her or Maria plan.  I still get invited to other events and activities that are not planned by them.  I appreciated her honesty when she said that she feels that I have changed, that she isn't as comfortable around me and doesn't feel the same strong connection as the past.  She blames the change in me on Wyoming.

I told her that I think the change in me is due to the fact that my husband died and not so much on me being in a relationship with Wyoming.  She disagreed and again blamed the change in me on Wyoming.  I said that I wished she would be willing to meet him but understood that she isn't interested.  I told her that I was terribly hurt at the fact that her and Maria were inviting everyone in our group to their activities and events except me.  I feel excluded.  But I also told her that I appreciated her honesty and for taking the time to explain why she is excluding me.

Overall, the conversation was informative and hopefully healing.  There wasn't too much anger or finger pointing.  It was a grown up conversation.  We agreed that things have changed but didn't agree why they changed and as I continue to think about this, I guess it doesn't matter why.

Judy and Maria don't want to be my friends anymore and I can't make people want to be my friend. I'm not going to lie, it's terribly hurtful, especially after all that I've been through in the past three and a half years.

I've lost too many important people to me by death (my husband, my grandma, my uncle, and now my mother is dying) so I'm having a hard time letting go of people by choice who have been important to me.  Losing family members has been out of my control and has been hard on me. Losing friends because they are choosing to leave me is very difficult for me to handle on top of all of the other loss.

I know I need to work on letting go and not holding on to people that don't want to be held on to.  I think this is something that I need to work on in therapy.

I know it's unfortunate, but I must accept that people change and grow apart.  I need to flex and bend to new things and not stay stagnate.  I need to let go of that which does not serve me well.  I must grieve more loss and focus on the positive in my life.

It's ironic that these two girlfriends have been in my life the longest, that I thought would be the girls I grew old with, but it seems that their chapter is coming to an end.

I can only move forward.

Wyoming Anniversary

Wyoming is coming into town this weekend to celebrate our two year anniversary.  It is strange for me to talk about an anniversary with another person, yet it's starting to feel normal.  It's hard fighting my guilt monster.

I guess the best way to say it is the love I have is compartmentalized.  I'm assuming it's similar to how a parent loves multiple children.  I've heard a parent say that they don't think they could love their second child as much as they love their first but once the second child comes along they realize their heart expands, it doesn't push the first child out or minimize the love for the first child.  I said something similar after Jeff died.  I could never love another as much as I loved Jeff.

Jeff holds a place in my heart and Wyoming holds another place.  I don't think about it like Wyoming is replacing Jeff.  It's like my heart expanded and he's still there and now Wyoming has a place next to him.  My heart just got bigger to make room for Wyoming.  It's really hard to put into words.

I've written previously about how I will never love another the way that I loved Jeff and I still stick by it.  I don't love Wyoming the same way I love Jeff.  It's different but it's also kind of the same.

I feel like I love Wyoming in a way that I wasn't able to love Jeff.  The love I had for Jeff was a love I took for granted, a rose colored love that had never experienced anything tragic, like a death.  No one close to me died in the 10 years I loved Jeff.

This love for Wyoming is experienced, it is reflective, it is not taken for granted because I now know from Jeff's death that it is not a given, it is fragile, it can change in a heartbeat.

It is true that I will never love another the way I loved Jeff, but it doesn't mean that I can't love deeply again.

Thank You Laurie!

Even after over three years of Jeff being gone, I still have moments of extreme grief and the guilt of moving forward.  See my previous post called My Guilt Monster Made A Comeback.

When this happens I try to find solace in other widows' stories and advice.  Laurie Burrows wrote a wonderful article that helped bring me comfort recently.  Here is the link and I also copied it below. Hang in there brave widow warriors.  We can get through this together!

The Ultimate Goal In Grief: Embracing A New Life

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I know that I have absolutely no choice about the path I must walk in grief. I also understand that I do have a choice in how I cope with my grief, and how I adapt to the loss. Many cope by being “loss-oriented” in their style of grief. The loss defines them. It took me a while in my mourning process to select the good style of grief, which is “restoration-oriented.” This type of grief focuses on the loss of Peter, but allows me to rebuild my life. I continue to have moments of sadness and “grief bursts,” but I am working hard at establishing new habits to reduce the power of sadness, so that it no longer overwhelms me. I am choosing to take charge of my life, integrate my lost love into my heart, and move forward to find my new restored existence.

I decided to put this theory into practice. I set up a sheet listing the loss-oriented items on the left side of my paper, and the restoration-oriented ones on the right. On the left, I listed my yearning for Peter, my sadness at looking at his picture, my memories of our life together, my sorrow at not having a partner with whom to laugh, my loneliness, my lack of a husband to help when my meniscus is torn (damn!), and my empty and slightly hamstrung heart. This is the part of grief work that I call the heavy-lifting.

Then on the right side of the paper, I listed the restoration-oriented ideas that help me to move on with my life. and distract me until I can fully cope with my loss. My writing is my savior and a total boost forward in my process. Setting up a website to invite other widows and widowers to talk is a great distractor. My grandkids, period! Cooking a dinner for friends; watching a funny movie (yes, even Bridget Jones Baby made me laugh a little); watching the Acorn TV series A Place to Call Home; walking with a girlfriend; talking to my pals who keep me buoyed with their friendship; popcorn and chocolate ice cream; and finding strength in the fact that I can take care of the finances by myself!

I am sure that a new life will start for me when:

· I will develop new skills, interests, and abilities; as long as it is NOT playing Mah Jongg!

· I will learn to cook beautiful dinners for me, myself, and I.

· I realize that grief is individual and I can choose to go on this journey on my own time table, in my own style, and with the use of humor as a tool. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “why the long face?”

· I give myself permission to heal my wounds of grief in a positive fashion. I will try to be positive and cheerlead myself to get through grief.

· I will believe that failure is a form of learning and not get down on myself for “grief bursts.” Self-compassion, Laurie, self-compassion!

· I will be grateful for the love I had, even though I am mourning it deeply. I will try to imagine nostalgia as sweet, and focus not on my deprivation, but on how good it was when our love was alive.

· I will laud my anger for the temporary insanity it brings.

· I will be thankful for the grief that won’t go away, and my fear that it will, and the void that might swallow me up.

· I will appreciate the legacy of kindness that Peter instilled in Nick and now my grandchildren.

· I will celebrate small successes as if they were grand successes.

· I will value living in the now as a precious gift.

· I will refuse to see myself as a victim.

· I will finally fully fathom that Peter would insist that I enjoy the rest of my life.

If I think of the word widow as one letter shy of window, I can look outward through the window of my widow’s soul and move forward into the light again.

My Guilt Monster Made A Comeback

Last night my guilt monster waged war against me...again.  I think it had been strategizing for a while.  Looking back I noticed that I had a hard time catching my breath and I felt a bit irritable but couldn't quite figure it out.  I was so busy with work, appointments, organizing Easter with family, and just life in general that I didn't take the time to stop and reflect, I just kept pushing forward.

Last night, I finally got the chance to take my dog for a walk.  I try to walk her for about an hour two days a week or more, which is the time I take to reflect and think about what's going on in my life, problem solve in my head, and just kind of check in.  I haven't been able to do this for a couple of weeks.

What I figured out on the walk last night was that I'm feeling guilty.

I am in escrow to buy 6.24 acres of land using some of the money that Jeff left behind.  I haven't touched any of Jeff's money since he died over three years ago.  I realized that I am spending Jeff's death money to buy land that I may develop with the new man in my life in the same month as our wedding anniversary.  The guilt of that is overwhelming.

I know in my rational mind that Jeff would want me to be happy and blah blah blah, but I just can't seem to not feel guilty about it in my emotional mind.  My financial adviser advises that I need to diversify and make this money work for me to secure my future and have a comfortable retirement, but I feel like I'm stealing from Jeff to fund my new life with a new partner and I can't help but feel extremely disloyal.

Last night after walking my dog, I broke down over all of these feelings that have been building up subconsciously.  I had a pretty bad breakdown and Wyoming had to help me pick up the pieces.  I don't know how he is so strong.  I don't know how he dates a person and a ghost at the same time. He admitted that sometimes, when I am grieving for Jeff like I was last night, that he feels like he is on the "back burner."  It doesn't help that we are still long distance.

I see where he is coming from, but my grief and guilt are so dominant at times that I have nothing left to give.  I want to apologize to him for being so damaged but I stop myself because there really is no apology that is appropriate.  I am grieving my husband, my lost partner, my life mate.  I am trying to move forward.  I take a few steps forward and then take a couple back.  I know that this is normal, but I also acknowledge it is unfair to Wyoming.

I thought that I had figured out my guilt monster.  I thought that I had it beat.  But it's a sneaky guilt monster and it made a big comeback.

I feel exhausted this morning after the storm of guilt and grief last night.  But I also feel cleansed.  I haven't had a really big breakdown like this in a long time and even though I think of Jeff daily, I haven't felt such guilt and grief for a while.

I think the combination of our anniversary, closing escrow on this investment opportunity, the fact that Jeff was diagnosed at 37, which is the same age I am right now, all combined to make the perfect battlefield for my guilt monster to make a comeback.

Well, I'm here to say that I survived again.  I have some more battle wounds and it was an exhausting fight, but I feel like I gained some new weapons to fight my guilt monster and I'm still standing.  I'm still here trying to move forward.  My guilt monster hasn't beat me and it never will but man does it fight hard.   I plan on continuing to fight to move forward.  I will close escrow in less than a week.

Happy Anniversary

Six years ago I was lucky enough to marry my best friend.

Wedding Anniversary

My sixth wedding anniversary is coming up in a week. Jeff and I were married April 8th, 2011.  The first part of April is very busy since my twin nieces were born March 31st and both my mom and my brother in laws birthdays are in the first weeks of April.

People usually remember Jeff's birthday and sometimes even the day he died but our wedding anniversary is a date that I tend to have to remind people of.

Yesterday, I was busy making my nieces birthday cakes and about 50 cupcakes for their 5th birthday party for today and I decided to take a little break on the couch in between bakes.  I was just pondering about my anniversary and where my life is now since we were married when our wedding song came on Pandora. I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again, I rarely hear our wedding song so when I do hear it, I believe that it's coming from Jeff.

At the very moment I was thinking about our upcoming anniversary, Jeff was saying hello.  I haven't cried in a while over missing Jeff, but when I heard our song I started bawling. I've definitely moved forward in life since he's been gone and I know that he sees and knows what I'm up to, but it is always so awesome to get a sign that he's still with me.

So I had myself a good cry for the duration of the song. It's hard not being a bit sad and nostalgic around our anniversary. Once the song ended, I wiped off my tears, picked myself up and finished making cupcakes.

Breakthrough

I mentioned in my last post that my family has not been very supportive of my relationship with Wyoming.  I would like to clarify and say that my extended family has been very supportive.  Wyoming has met most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

It's my immediate family that hasn't been supportive.  They have been flat out against our relationship.  Wyoming hasn't met my dad, sister, or nieces.  He met my mom about a year ago before she went on hospice, but, unknowing to me, my mom didn't tell my dad that she was meeting Wyoming until afterwards, which caused some turmoil.

I have heard multiple times from my father over his displeasure of Wyoming's past.  Over the last year, my dad and I could not be around each other without yelling on both our parts and lots of crying on mine over my relationship with Wyoming.

But there has recently been a breakthrough.  My dad has asked to meet Wyoming when he comes to town for spring break next week.  Needless to say, my dad wanting to meet Wyoming has caused a lot of anxiety for me.  My dad is a very opinionated and outspoken person.  He is very strong in his beliefs and has absolutely no problem expressing himself, even if it offends people.  This trait was not only passed down to my sister and I, but Wyoming also shares this trait, which could lead to a very explosive meeting.

My sister is also very unhappy with my relationship with Wyoming.  She has refused to meet him or allow her daughters around him.  My sister is adamant that she does not trust my decision making abilities since my husband died, based off of some bad decisions I made in the first year he was gone.  She thinks that Wyoming is another one of those bad decisions, which has made seeing my nieces difficult and my relationship with my sister very strained.

The last few months though, there has been a bit of a truce within my immediate family.  We have all agreed to get along and ignore the elephant in the room for my mother's sake.  We have not fought and Wyoming is rarely mentioned.

My anxiety lies in the fact that I am enjoying this false peace within my immediate family since this false peace is better than yelling and crying every time we're around each other.  I am worried that if the meeting between Wyoming and my father does not go well, then it will open up old wounds and the fighting will begin anew.

I know from therapy, that I must push myself and not stay stagnant but the unknown is terrifying and where I am right now regarding my family is known, even if it is false.

But I also know that my dad wanting to meet Wyoming is a good thing.  My dad is willing to meet Wyoming and not just judge him based off of his past anymore.  I need to stop worrying and think of this as a breakthrough and not a fight.

So, we will see how the meeting goes.  Hopefully my father and Wyoming get along and the next phase will be my sister meeting him if she is open to it.  But that's a whole other battle.

I know that I cannot control others, I can only control my response to others.  Knowing this does not relieve my anxiety though.

Judge Monster

I spoke previously about being judged by others and judging myself in my last post and after reading The Polished Widow, she mentioned judgement as well in her most recent post.

Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations.  I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!

I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve as well as realizing that I judge myself.  I mentioned the two types of grief in this post.  Widows talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions.  It's funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes.

The Polished Widow goes on to write that was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it.  When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’.  But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook???  I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me.  Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.

I can say that The Polished Widow was lucky that her own family and her husband's family were supportive of her.  My husband's family and I had a terrible falling out about 10 months after my husband died and I haven't seen, heard from, or spoken to his parents or brother for over 2 years.

My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago.  I started dating Wyoming a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and they still don't support me.  We've had a rough year and a half, especially with my mother's health declining rapidly.  My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and then again by multiple people who judged my decision to be in a relationship with Wyoming. 

Like The Polished Widow a couple of my friends also judged me.

But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy...All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong...And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!?  Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him.  What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them.  Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again.  Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.

I have also lost friends like The Polished Widow.  They just kind of slowly disappeared from my life.  Both friends and family claim that they are trying to protect me from my own bad decisions since Wyoming has such a dark past and I made a few bad decisions during my intense grief after Jeff died, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite.  I went to therapy and did a lot of work on myself to understand why I made some poor decisions early in my grief journey and feel that I have learned and grown from that.  I can't change the past and neither can Wyoming, but we can let the past be the past and move forward in life and that's what we are both trying to do.

I know that sometimes people just change in general and drift in and out of our lives but I do believe that Jeff's death is the cause for certain people not wanting to be friends anymore.  These people judge Wyoming for his dark past but have never met him.  I am so very grateful to all of my friends who have cautioned me about being in a relationship with Wyoming but have also allowed me to make my own decisions and support me in those decisions instead of distancing themselves.  These people truly show they care through their actions and their words.  These are the people who understand that they have their own life to live and I have mine to live.  

I feel that because of friends and family who judge and question my life, that has definitely had a negative impact on me and how I judge and question myself.  I understand that people want to protect me but making me live a life that is right for them and not for me is not doing me any service.  Nobody could protect me from Jeff's cancer and ultimate death.  I don't think anybody would tell me that if they had a crystal ball and knew that Jeff was going to get cancer and die after 10 years of being together, that I should not be with him. 

Nobody knows what the future holds, and I understand that being with Wyoming, there is a risk that it might not work out.  But we take that risk with any person we choose to be in a relationship with.  At least I know that the people who are supporting me now will be there to celebrate my happiness and also be there to help pick me up when tragedy may occur.

The Polished Widow continues on with even more words of wisdom.

But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’.  You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.

Thank you Polished Widow for your words of wisdom.

Stupid Guilt Monster!

Going back and rereading certain things I've posted, in hindsight, I can see that I was definitely battling my guilt monster.  But I'm realizing it's not the same guilt monster, it has evolved, changed, morphed, mutated into something else.  It's a lot more subtle and sneaky.

For example, this post, I talk about being judged by others about the way I choose to live my life and grieve, but I think in reality, I am judging myself, I am just projecting my own judgment onto other people.  They are not even judging me.  I'm judging myself and being angry because I think they are judging me.

Should my guilt monster be changed to judge monster? 

End of Life Option

Last time I saw my mom she talked to me about the End of Life option.  I knew she had applied for the program but didn't know that she had already been approved and that the medication was in the house.  She hasn't made a decision yet of whether or not she will actually use it but it is now a concrete option.

I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition.  My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease.  There is no cure.  There is no remission.  There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again.  She just continues to go down hill.  She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself.  Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it.  She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.

I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.

But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality.  I think my dad is very brave for supporting her.  I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died.  My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go.  I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.

I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication.  I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings.  I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave.  It is her life, her decision.  As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.

I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option.  With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope.  With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try.  With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon.  There is very little research being done on MSA.  Not very many options are available.

I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side.  My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.

There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness.  There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation.  Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me.  I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone. 

These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression.  Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being.  I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother.  It is very difficult though.

Mom Keeps Asking

Anytime Wyoming comes up in conversation with my mom, she asks me what my future plans are.  I tell her I don't know.

It's hard as a widow to plan for the future.  We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future.  We had a plan.  But it all changed when our loved one died.

I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future.  The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy.  I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye.  I know that I have to make myself happy.

I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff.  We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married.  Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry.  I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal.  I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.

I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life.  It's been almost two years since we started dating.  We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation.  It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about.  I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her.  I have a hard time making promises to myself. 

All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now.  I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.

I don't mind that my mom keeps asking.  She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything.  It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.

Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.

The Lessons Learned When You Bury Your Husband

Now that I've lived over 3 years without Jeff and my mom is on hospice, I keep telling myself that if I could survive Jeff's death, I can survive anything, even my own mother's death.

"The Polished Widow" said something similar in her post:

Once you bury your husband, you realize you can do anything.

Now this might be a little too much bravado since I don't exactly know how I'm going to react to my mother's death, but, like "The Polished Widow," I've taken on a "let life happen" and "it is what it is" approach to life.  We don’t always have control over situations  We sometimes can't even control our own feelings, we just need to ride them out and realize that "this too shall pass."


"The Polished Widow" says, burying my husband showed me that, and gave me a new perspective on life.  I felt like once Nick died, once that unimaginable event happened, and I can honestly say now, that I am proud of the way I handled it, that it did make me feel almost invincible.  If that’s what life had for me, then everything else would be a piece of cake.  I had got through the worst possible life situation at my age, and I survived...Since burying Nick, I don’t stress about the future, I only wonder where we’ll be in the next year, not the next ten.  If something is out of my control, then I definitely don’t stress about it.  What is the use in worrying about something, that hasn’t even happened yet.  If I spent the time when Nick was sick, worrying about when his end would come, then I would not have enjoyed our last months together...This belief of living in the moment has stuck with me ever since. I don’t like to plan things too far into the future, preferring to live in the present instead...I have minimal time in my life for controversy, stupidity or trivial matters. One of my friends reminded me of my bluntness following Nick’s death, when she came over to vent about a boy she was seeing, lots of blah, blah, blah, I don’t know if I want to be with him stuff.  I told her to get over herself, if she didn’t want to be with him, to break it off. Her happiness was more important than spending her time crying about it on my couch...It’s like I inherited a part of Nick’s confidence when he passed.  Losing Nick, who was my rock, made me need to be more assertive myself.  There was no longer anyone else to fall back on, and though I have happily remarried, I’m still fiercely independent. I will never go back to relying on anyone else to be my backbone...I will also add, I like the new me, I prefer the woman I’ve become to the one I was. It’s why I’m so grateful for having had Nick in my life...Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy time with your kids and family, know how fleeting life can be, surround yourself with positive people...Because life doesn’t have to be hard, it’s what you make it, you can get through anything if you don’t have a ‘woe is me‘ mentality.

This is why I love reading other widow blogs.  They remind me I'm not alone, I can empathize and relate, and they usually put what I'm feeling into words so much better than I can!

Qualities of a Dead Husband

I feel like I have taken on some of Jeff's qualities. Like I was so used to him being around or thinking or acting a certain way that when he left, I wanted those qualities around so I just took them on myself.

There are definitely specific things I say that are totally Jeff.  Some of the ways I behave are completely Jeff and even some of the ways I've learned to think or deal with situations are definitely Jeff.

I used to be very controlling and pretty uptight.  I tried not to sweat the small stuff but I know I did.  I cared a lot about what other people thought and I constantly told Jeff to calm down or to stop embarrassing me in public.

There is an actual video on his Facebook page that a friend posted of him being his typical loud, obnoxious self and you can hear me in the background groaning about his behavior.  This is one of my few regrets.  I regret not just letting him be.  People absolutely loved him for his loud, obnoxious, fun behavior.  It embarrassed me at the time.  But I've realized that it wasn't about me, it was about him.  Why did I try to control that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking on that kind of behavior, but there are just certain things that I've noticed when I say something or do something or think something that is just Jeff.  I catch myself and say "that is totally what Jeff would say/do/think."

It makes me feel good that he continues to live on in me and in others.

The Battle to Get to Today

I remember being at the very beginning of widowhood and just wishing that I could be two or three or even more years in, hoping that time would pass quickly so I wouldn't hurt so badly anymore.

Now that it's been three years since Jeff died, I look back and almost sigh with relief, not because I'm happy that he's been gone for so long, but mainly because I'm relieved to have made it this far and I'm doing relatively well.

Most days, I genuinely am happy, but it definitely took a lot of work to get where I am today.  There have been a lot of lessons learned, tears cried, pain endured, and plenty of turmoil.  But there has also been a lot of lessons learned, lots of laughter, an enormous amount of love, and friendships made and nourished.  There has been a lot of living, good and bad, in these last three years since he's been gone.

I, as well as many other widow's out there, am a testament to the light at the end of the tunnel.  You might stumble along, trip and fall, bump into things and get bruised, but as long as you keep walking towards something, keep working to get there, you will eventually get there.  You may have some scars but those scars are just reminders of the battle you've fought to be where you are today.

We must keep fighting brave widow warriors.  Every day can be a battle, but as long as we keep fighting, we will eventually win the war.