Isn't It Ironic

When I first began this blog, I was a  couple weeks out from my husband dying.  At the time, my girlfriends were my saving grace.  My blog's URL does have "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it for a reason.

I find it ironic that I'm sitting here now with puffy eyes from crying most of the night last night over two of my girlfriends who have been purposefully excluding me from group gatherings and activities. These two girls have been my friends for over 20 years.

I have been noticing for the last year and a half or so that these two specific friends, Maria and Judy, have grown distant from me and closer to each other.  Judy voiced her disapproval of me continuing a relationship with Wyoming when I first started getting serious with him a year and a half ago, while Maria hasn't specifically said why she has grown distant.  Maria and Judy are the only two friends of mine that haven't met Wyoming yet.

I had a long phone call with Judy last night and specifically asked her why I'm not invited to the whole group dinner parties, holiday BBQ's, and out of town trips that her or Maria plan.  I still get invited to other events and activities that are not planned by them.  I appreciated her honesty when she said that she feels that I have changed, that she isn't as comfortable around me and doesn't feel the same strong connection as the past.  She blames the change in me on Wyoming.

I told her that I think the change in me is due to the fact that my husband died and not so much on me being in a relationship with Wyoming.  She disagreed and again blamed the change in me on Wyoming.  I said that I wished she would be willing to meet him but understood that she isn't interested.  I told her that I was terribly hurt at the fact that her and Maria were inviting everyone in our group to their activities and events except me.  I feel excluded.  But I also told her that I appreciated her honesty and for taking the time to explain why she is excluding me.

Overall, the conversation was informative and hopefully healing.  There wasn't too much anger or finger pointing.  It was a grown up conversation.  We agreed that things have changed but didn't agree why they changed and as I continue to think about this, I guess it doesn't matter why.

Judy and Maria don't want to be my friends anymore and I can't make people want to be my friend. I'm not going to lie, it's terribly hurtful, especially after all that I've been through in the past three and a half years.

I've lost too many important people to me by death (my husband, my grandma, my uncle, and now my mother is dying) so I'm having a hard time letting go of people by choice who have been important to me.  Losing family members has been out of my control and has been hard on me. Losing friends because they are choosing to leave me is very difficult for me to handle on top of all of the other loss.

I know I need to work on letting go and not holding on to people that don't want to be held on to.  I think this is something that I need to work on in therapy.

I know it's unfortunate, but I must accept that people change and grow apart.  I need to flex and bend to new things and not stay stagnate.  I need to let go of that which does not serve me well.  I must grieve more loss and focus on the positive in my life.

It's ironic that these two girlfriends have been in my life the longest, that I thought would be the girls I grew old with, but it seems that their chapter is coming to an end.

I can only move forward.