Friday, August 29, 2014

Eight Months

Today marks eight months since Jeff has been gone.

It is also the month when all the fantasy football drafts are taking place.  Jeff was a huge fantasy football guy. I think he was in 5 or 6 leagues.  He was the commissioner for one and a co-commissioner for two on top of playing in 2 or 3 other leagues.  I have no idea how he kept them all straight.

His dad and brother have taken his spot in most of the leagues but the one he commissioned doesn't exist anymore.

Fantasy football took up so much of Jeff's time.  I never thought I would miss him playing but I do. 

I miss him sitting down with a fantasy football magazine taking copious notes on all of the players for his many drafts.  I miss watching him check his score over and over again on his phone, the computer, or the iPad and sometimes even all three!  I miss watching him get excited during the games when one of his players scored points that he really needed to win.  I really miss watching him be torn between rooting for our hometown team and rooting for a wide receiver, quarterback, running back, or even the kicker for the other team because he needed the points to win.  I miss everything about him and fantasy football because I know how much he loved it.

Last year we were in a family league together.  It was the only time I have ever been in a fantasy football league and I actually beat him in our match up even when he refused to help me.  I know he didn't enjoy losing but deep down I know he was proud of me and he enjoyed seeing me get excited about something he loved so much.

I made it to the finals against his brother but ended up losing.  He was still proud of me.  He said he thought I had improved a lot and was impressed with how I dropped and picked up players without his help.  He said I made some great moves. 

The family league is playing again, this year with one less family member, and I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm playing something that I used to find annoying but because of him, I kind of like now.  I hope he'll be proud of my moves again this year.

Jeff was so loud, especially during football season, and at times that used to drive me nuts.  The house will be very quiet this football season.  I already miss his noise and it's only pre-season.

Eight months without him, a lifetime to go.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

New Job

I blogged earlier about how stressful it was to start this new school year without Jeff.  So stressful that I needed to get away to Palm Springs for a weekend.

I got my first teaching job just a few months after Jeff and I started dating and he was the one who helped me move into my classroom and was with me when I developed all of my curriculum, worked my butt off to be the best teacher to my students, and met and developed working and professional relationships with my colleagues.  I have made some of my best friends at this school but I have also had some pretty large disagreements with some other people.  Jeff was always there to listen and give advice.  It has just been so hard without him.

Now I know that everyone and everything says not to make any big changes if you can help it the first year or so after a loss, such as moving, changing or quitting jobs, etc.  But I've been thinking about this change for years.  About a year before Jeff and I got married, then about a year after we were married and it came up again when he got sick.  When I think about the reasons for staying at my current school, there are very few and the few reasons I listed were colleagues that I will miss.  But I know I will still keep in touch with them so when it really comes down to reasons for staying, there are none.  There are so many reasons to leave that far outweigh the reasons to stay.

I've been wanting to drop down to a middle school for a long time.  Middle school teachers have the same pay, but less stress and pressure than high school teachers.  I have been teaching a college level English class at the high school for the past eight years and there has always been so much pressure for the students to pass the test at the end of the year in order for them to get college credit.  The amount of extra work has always been enormous.  There is no extra monetary payment for taking on this responsibility, but I did take great joy in their learning and the high level of discussions we engaged in and for a while that was payment enough.  But after a while, all the grading and stress begins to outweigh the joy and it's just not worth it anymore. 

I want to love my job, not just like it.  I don't love my job anymore and haven't for a few years.

I also want to have a life outside of my job and I felt I did with Jeff in my life, but now that he's gone, my job takes up too much of my time and I am too tired and too busy to have much of a social life.

Last week a position at a coveted middle school less than 5 miles from my house became available and I jumped on it, even though we are 5 weeks into the new semester.  I interviewed against 3 other highly qualified English teachers and ended up getting the position. 

I found out Friday that my first day will be the following Monday, so this weekend I am moving out of the classroom I've been in for 10 years and into a brand new classroom while creating all new curriculum.  I'm excited and overwhelmed at the same time.  I think this is what I needed to fall in love with teaching again.

I know that this is the best decision for me.  It was not spur of the moment, it was something I have wanted for years but was just never available until recently.  I feel like Jeff would tell me to jump on the chance if he was still here.  There has been no anxiety about whether or not I am making the right decision.  I know this is the right decision for me. 

I am looking forward to the new challenge and fresh start and am hoping that this will help me move forward in this "new normal" that I am creating for myself.

Monday, August 18, 2014

I Know the Feeling

I really truly love my bereavement group.  We meet on the first and third Wednesday of every month from 1:00-2:30 P.M.  Since I am still working, I was only attending once a month for the first four months and the fifth month I couldn't make it, because I just couldn't take the time off of work.  That month turned out to be my hardest month so far.  I then recommitted and have since made it a point to go twice a month. 

I felt a profound sense of missing my group when I couldn't make it and they missed me too, which of course felt wonderful to know that I added something to the group.  Our group is mainly made up of about 6 or so "regulars" who have all been attending for quite some time, some even for three or more years.  I am the newest and youngest "regular."  We all have each other's phone numbers.  It is true friendship and support.

My last bereavement group meeting, someone new came.  We all knew he was new of course but we could also tell that the loss was new.  He had that shell shocked, intense look and had a hard time keeping it all in.  I couldn't wait for him to speak.  When he did start telling his story, my heart went out to him.  His wife died three weeks ago.  The emotions he was describing brought me right back to where I was when Jeff first died.  I attended my first bereavement group meeting about three weeks after Jeff died. 

I cried so hard with him remembering the intensity of the void and pain and knowing that his journey will continue to be the hardest and most painful thing for a long time.  I had never really cried like that so far in my bereavement group.  But I just had so much empathy for him and my own memories and emotions came flooding back.

I hope he keeps coming to the meetings.  He talked about his profession, he is a retired homicide detective and he said how used to death he was, but he said this is different, this death is personal.  I think he was able to detach himself from death because of his profession, he saw such horrible things.  He said he was around so much death, from infants to the elderly, but nothing prepared him for his wife's death and the emotions that ensued.

The majority of the people are so much older than me, about 30 years or so.  They are all retired.  I think some people don't understand why I keep attending when it doesn't seem I have much in common with these people. But when I missed that month because of work obligations, I really missed it.  I really missed the people, I really missed the support, the understanding, the empathy.  They might be older, they might have had more time with their loved ones, their spouses, but we all feel the same pain and are going through similar emotions.  We all know the feeling.  We help guide each through the stages.  We help each other navigate the bumpy road.  We give each other advice sometimes, but the majority of the time, we are just there to listen and support.  It's a safe place to no longer have to be strong.  It's a safe place to get understanding.  It's just safe and safety brings comfort, which so many of us are lacking now that our loved ones are gone.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself during the grieving process.  Sometimes life and the trivialities of it get in the way, but I try to always come back to what is best for my soul and well being.  Right now, I need to do the work of grieving, whether that is going to my bereavement group, going to therapy, reading widow blogs, reading grief literature, taking a time out and getting away from it all, taking the time to exercise, or any other opportunity I have to take what I need. 

Everybody grieves differently.  But just know that others know the feeling and want to help if help is needed, want to be there to listen if you want to talk, we are different because we don't try and fix anything or give advice or platitudes, because we know that those are usually empty words to the griever, because we know the feeling. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Palm Springs

I started my teaching career just a few months after I started dating Jeff 10 years ago.  There has been a lot of emotions I wasn't expecting starting this new school year in the same school, in the same classroom, with the same people, and teaching the same curriculum I developed while I was with Jeff.  All of these memories and the excitement of beginning the new year and remembering the excitement of beginning my relationship with him came flooding back and it has been so stressful, exhausting, and painful without him.  It's just another huge reminder that he's gone and never coming back.  I felt like my skin was crawling I was so highly charged and emotional.  I felt sad, irritated, anxious, and very jumpy. 

I expressed these feelings to a friend of mine and she offered to let me stay at her friend's condo in Palm Springs.  I literally jumped at the chance I needed to get away so bad so three of my girlfriends and I decided to make a weekend of it.  It was a short stay, only two nights, but it was just long enough to recharge.  I was able to lay by a pool all day and just relax and read and nap and think. 

I didn't realize how great it was for my soul until I took the time to get away to "trauma island."  Well we can't all take that much time and spend that much money so this time I just took a couple of days to a warm destination that was only a quick 2-3 hour drive away.  Just getting away from the daily grind of work, emails, chores, responsibilities, and especially the feelings I was experiencing starting the new school year, as well as all the other day to day things that can drag us down really can lift the soul and help the healing process.  I know that I cannot escape my problems or feelings forever, but escaping for just a little while to recharge helps tremendously in dealing with those same problems and feelings when I return.  I am able to have a clearer mind and more patience with myself and others.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for widow's to take time for themselves.  I have heard this advice over and over again in my bereavement group, in my grief literature, and in my individual therapy as well as from all kinds of family and friends.  I am so very fortunate to have friends who can get away with me on a moments notice and understand how much I need them and their support.  Girlfriends really are the new husbands.

I'm glad I recognized what I needed and took the opportunity to get away and I'm even more glad that I have friends who support me and help me when I need them the most.  I just need to remember to do it as often as my soul needs, which we all know is the hardest part.  Sometimes, we take care of everyone else besides ourselves, but we have to remember to take care of ourselves first.