I Forgot to Count Somehow

This is the first time that I did not "count" this month.  My friends actually had to remind me and I didn't know how to respond when it finally dawned on me that it was the 29th and I didn't realize it.

I am torn between feeling guilty and a little sense of relief that somehow the 29th this month escaped me. 

Luckily I had therapy on the 30th, and I was able to discuss this in great length with my therapist.  He reassured me that there was nothing to feel guilty about, that it is normal, that even though we sometimes fight it, life goes on and I need to continue to live.  So that is what I'm trying to do.

But sometimes that guilt monster is an evil beast.  But I am strong and I know that Jeff wants me to be happy.

A Widow and Her Rings

Originally published April 23, 2015:

A widow and her wedding ring is a touchy subject.  This is such a personal and individual decision.  Every widow handles this differently and every widow deserves to be supported and respected in her decision.

Having said that, I am conflicted about my wedding ring.

I have, of course, read multiple blogs, pamphlets, all kinds of literature, and discussed this topic in my bereavement group and with my therapist.

I remember, after the first couple months in my bereavement group, a woman whose husband died from lung cancer about a month before Jeff talked about how she would never take off her ring.  About 9 months later, she was no longer wearing her ring.  Obviously, this was not an easy decision for her and I applaud her for growing and changing and not being afraid to move forward, we all know about my guilt monster with moving forward.

I wore Jeff's wedding ring on a necklace for about 13 months and then took it off.  What made me decide to take it off?  There were a couple of factors: Jeff's ring constantly got tangled with the heart pendant that Jeff had given me which I haven't taken off going on 9 years now.  His ring would get knotted with the chain and other pendent multiple times a day.  Since I'm a side sleeper, my necklace with the pendant and Jeff's ring, would practically choke me at night as I rolled over.  His ring constantly ended up under my shoulder or behind me.  I also just didn't feel...right (I guess that is the correct word to use) going out on dates with his ring around my neck.  My first date that I went on was with the Apple Guy, I took Jeff's ring off of my necklace and put it in my safe.  I haven't worn it since and I feel ok about it.

But my wedding ring is different.  I have taken off my wedding ring all of three times so far.  Twice on dates with the Apple Guy and on one other date.  For some reason the other date I had, I kept my ring on.  I'm sure the reason has to do more with how interested I am in these men.  The more interest, the less likely I wear my ring, even though all of these men know that I am a widow.

But I've been thinking more and more about taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand.  I have my tattoo on my left ring finger so I know I will always have "Jeff" on my left ring finger.  I'm about to go on my 4th first date and I'm not quite sure how interested I am in this guy but I also am moving more toward taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand in general, not just for dates.

I'm just not sure if I'm ready.  I guess not being sure is a sign that I'm not ready?

Update:  About a week after I published this post, I took my ring off and put it in my safe.

You Want to Come In?

The idea of bringing a "man" into my house used to scare me.

Not in the "I'm afraid of him" way but in the "this is where my husband died and how dare I disrespect him by bringing a man into the house where we made it a home together, came back from our honeymoon together, and where he died" way.

Now that I have Wyoming, I actually am not as scared.  I started dating and finding "distractions" about 6 months ago and, like I said before, Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore.  He is the first man that I would actually consider allowing into my home.

I am not so scared of bringing a man into my house anymore.

Family Vacations

I just got back from a vacation with my parents, my sister, her husband, and their twin 3 year old girls.  It's hard to go on vacation with my family now.  Before Jeff died, we went on a lot of family vacations, the 6 of us, before the twins were born and Jeff got sick.

I think this vacation was hard for a couple of reasons. 

The most obvious reason was because the last time we were at this specific place on vacation was when we got a call from Jeff's doctor telling us some "nodules" in his lungs showed up on his CAT scan and we should come in as soon as possible.  We drove straight to the hospital.  Turns out those nodules were tumors, which was the beginning of all of the testing, which we all know led to his stage iv lung cancer diagnosis.

The other reason is, we always vacationed the 6 of us, which meant when the day was over, we would all retire to our bedrooms and I know Jeff and I would always discuss the day: the highs and lows, the hilarious and frustrating, just everything.  Now, everybody retires to their bedrooms and I go to a room by myself and have nobody to discuss the day with.  Needless to say, that's hard.  I miss that.

I know my family misses him too, and I try very hard not to compare my grief to others, but, damn, is it hard.  For the most part, I'm doing well, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me and slaps me right in the face.

I did go back to my room at night and secretly call Wyoming and share my day with him though, which made me feel good but also guilty at the same time.  Stupid guilt monster.

Overall, it was a good trip.  Well, at least in the fact that I overcame going back to a place that has so much negative sentimental value...I'm trying to remember that it's not the place that can make me feel sad, it's me.

It was time to make new memories of that specific place.

Someone Very Special

After Jeff died, I just felt so off balance...not myself...making bad decisions and then doubting myself.  That's not who I am.  I know I need to deal with the pain of missing him, there is no escape or distraction from that, but that's what I've done this past year and a half is deal but then also distract.  I allow myself the time to be sad and know that it's normal and necessary but I also look for distractions sometimes too because mourning is just so exhausting and I don't want to be sad all the time.

I'm sad that he's not here and the life I had with him, which I was so happy with, is gone.  I not only mourn him but I mourn who I was with him and the life I had with him.

Nobody can ever replace him.  I will always love him.  If he hadn't died, I would be with him still, for the rest of my life.  But we had no choice in that.

I also haven't let any of my "distractions" too far in.  I'm good at dodging and weaving, escaping when things get too close to my heart.  I'm good at pulling back, and I know it.  Hence, why I haven't gone on a third date yet.

But since he's been gone, I also hoped and asked Jeff to send me someone who would make me feel the way he made me feel and I have connected with someone very special.  Someone who makes me feel adored.

I'm almost weary of writing about him because I don't want to jinx it.

It has only been a short amount of time that I've been communicating with him but he has proven himself to be a steadfast and safe harbor for me in this raging storm of grief.

He lives in Wyoming and I met him via eHarmony.

I have already tried to sabotage myself and come up with reasons why I shouldn't trust him because of his muddied past but he has been patient and understanding.  I opened up so quickly to him and this scares me enormously, because I lost the last person I felt so safe with and who was the most important person to me in the world, which neither one of us had any control over.  I can't help but worry about losing again.

But as my new man says, we can either risk the chance of being hurt or we can run away and protect ourselves and potentially miss out on the one thing we've been looking for.

What I have noticed is that Wyoming is different than my other "distractions."  I thought I liked Apple Guy, but Wyoming blows him out of the water!  My rational brain keeps saying that our attraction with each other is because this is all so new, it's a passing fancy, that at some time we will get bored or overwhelmed or exhausted in the amount of time we spend thinking about each other and talking to each other, which is what happened with all of my other "distractions."

But then I remember that, it didn't fade too much with Jeff.  Jeff and I knew within the first couple weeks that we loved each other and knew this was special and after 10 years, I still just wanted to hang out with him.  We never ran out of things to talk about, we never got bored with each other, we spent time apart with our own separate interests and friends, but he was always the one I wanted to tell about my day and hear about his day.

When Jeff and I started dating, he still allowed me to feel strong and independent while I was with him.  But he was also my rock, my shelter in the times that I needed strength and safety.  This is how I feel about Wyoming.  I get excited to hear his voice, to see his name and face pop up on my phone.  I think about things that happen throughout my day that I can't wait to tell him and I want to know what his day is like and if he is safe.

These feelings have evolved so quickly and they remind me of my first few weeks with Jeff.

I'm noticing that Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore, he is turning into so much more than that.  He really is so important to me.  He is the only person I've met since my husband who I feel safe with.  I talk to him about everything.  He listens and asks questions about my life with Jeff.  There are so few men out there with his confidence and strength and selflessness.  He does not feel threatened by Jeff or my grief.

I have no idea what the future has in store.  All I know is that, right now, this new man makes me feel...exquisite.  He is the first man that makes me want to go on a third date.