I Feel His Pain

We had my mother's celebration of life last weekend.  It was terrible and wonderful at the same time. My father is a very social person and he definitely needed the support and love from the over 200 people who attended.  But as we all know, the real work begins after the celebrations and ceremonies are over.

The pain my father feels and will experience down the line is so visceral and takes me back to those early days after Jeff died where I was lost and vulnerable and exposed.  I know I'm projecting and my experience is not my father's experience but the trauma of losing Jeff was so horrible.  The pain I felt was so intense.  It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, the loss of control as well as an enormous void.  All of that comes right back when I look at my father.  I can feel his pain.

Looking back, I thought I was doing okay at the time, but watching my aunt going through her first year without my uncle and seeing her make some not so great decisions reminds me of my first year without Jeff and some of my not so great decisions.  But I now accept that it was all part of my journey.

I know my dad will experience mourning his own way.  I know that my aunt's journey and my journey through grief will not be my father's journey, but I do know that he will go through some very dark and painful times.

I feel a little guilty that my mom's death hasn't affected me nearly as bad as Jeff's death affected me. I know that there are many factors for not having the anxiety or trauma at the same level.  I don't know why I feel like I should suffer more than I am.  My rational mind knows that my mom doesn't want me to suffer now that she's gone, but for some reason the guilt of not suffering ruins it.

Is this another form of a guilt monster?

I hope my father's new normal comes as easily as possible to him.  I hope his pain doesn't cut too deep.  I hope I can support him in the way that he needs me.  I hope he finds happiness again.

I wish I could take away some of his pain, but I know that he has to go on this journey on his own.  I hope that I can accompany him and help him when he falls but I also know that I cannot carry him or rush him.  This is his journey and his alone.

I don't envy what he's going through and what is ahead for him, I would like to take away his pain, but because I know that pain first hand, I am ashamed to admit that I'm relieved that I am no longer at the beginning of severe grief any longer.

That level of pain and loss scares me but I cannot run from it.  It is not fair to him or me if I run.  I would like to think that I am strong enough, more prepared, and capable of surviving anything but anxiety is an ugly thing.

I need to continue to think positively so that I can help my father when he needs me.  But watching him brings me to such an anxious and dark place.  I need to be strong for him and strong for me.

But I can literally feel his pain.

My Mom Said To Look For Signs

While my mom was in hospice, we talked about the spiritual world and I asked her to be sure to come back and check on me.  She told me to look for signs.  Sometimes I can be a bit oblivious in normal everyday life, so my mom would literally have to smack me at times to get my attention.  I told her to smack me from the spiritual world so I don't miss her signs.

I believe that my mom has sent me signs.  A few days after my mom died, I was driving in my car and a yellow and black butterfly was flying very close to my windshield.  It stayed hovering in front of my windshield for about 30 seconds, even though the car was moving, it maintained the same position.  I have never had a butterfly hang out that long.  Usually they flit about and disappear before I can get a really good look at them.  I immediately thought it was a sign from my mom.

A few days after the first butterfly incident, I was walking my dog on a trail that I have walked on for the past 7 years where I rarely ever see butterflies.  Another yellow and black butterfly, around the same size as the butterfly I saw in my car, flew around me while I was walking and hung around for another 30 seconds or so.  I immediately remembered the previous butterfly I had seen while driving and had a sense that mom was coming to visit again.

I have seen the same yellow and black butterfly twice now.  I honestly think that it is not a coincidence, that it is my mom coming to say hi and she is flitting about like she did before she got sick.  She is free to fly around now after being bedridden for over a year.

I felt a sense of peace and calm both times I saw that yellow and black butterfly and was able to take some much needed, satisfying deep breaths.

I hope mom comes to visit again soon.

Goodbye Mom, You'll Be Missed

My mother died on July 21, 2017 at 10:50pm.  She was the second eldest child of five children.  Her older brother died about 9 months ago.

My mother has been described as kind, strong, practical, private, intelligent, selfless, but most of all she has been described as being humble.  She didn't want to have any kind of service after she passed and she didn't want people to make a big fuss about her after she was gone, just like she never liked a big fuss made while she was alive.

My dad told her that he would honor any wish she desired except for her wish to not have a celebration of her life.  He told her that a celebration of life is more for the living.  Being the strong woman that she was, she still told him that she didn't want one.  Being the strong man my dad is, he continued to talk her into it until he finally convinced my mom that we were going to have a celebration of her life.

His main argument was that people need to pay their respects, that respect is not automatic, it is earned and I hate to admit to my dad when he is right, but I have no problem admitting that he was right this time.  She definitely earned a lot of respect.

When my mom finally did relent about having a celebration of her life, she told him that she wanted something small, with just close friends and family, I joked with her that she better make a list because her idea of small and intimate and dad's idea of small and intimate are two completely different definitions.

We also had to emphasize to her that there would be too many people who would want to pay their respects and there was no way we could ever deny them.  We reminded her about all of the people who visited her while her disease progressed and how important she was to everyone.  My mom truly had no idea the impact she made on others.

My mom was such a selfless woman.  She took care of all of those around her before she took care of herself.  I told her that as her disease progressed that she needed to finally relax and let all of us take care of her, that it was her time to be lazy and demanding.  But I also know how much she hated being dependent and on the sidelines.  She expressed multiple times how frustrated she was that her body was betraying her.

But throughout her disease, she never complained.  I believe that she was able to be so strong through it all and tolerate such a debilitating disease because she had my father taking enormously great care of her.  There is not another soul on this earth who could have done a better job caring and comforting my mother than my dad.  In the end, she drew strength from him and looked to him for relief.

My mom was a very private person, but when she was asked a direct question she would open up. She told me that her proudest achievements in her life were her daughters.  Her biggest regret was that she wasn't able to travel as much as she wanted.  She wanted to see and do so many more things.

Our family has suffered some devastating losses in the last few years.  Through those losses, my mom has been the rock in our family.  Her wisdom, selflessness, and firmness have always guided the entire family.  She led by example.

She can never be replaced.  Now that she is gone, our family will remain strong and steadfast together because that is what she wanted.  Family was the most important thing to her.

She will be missed terribly.  She is still watching and guiding us in her own way.  We will take comfort in our memories of her and she will always be in our hearts.