Now that Wyoming is officially here, there have been a few bumps in the road with both of us adjusting to living together, but the biggest bump so far is regarding my dog. I rescued my terrier poodle mix the same year that Jeff and I were married. Jeff wasn't happy about me adopting this little sixteen pound disaster of a dog but he insisted that because I got to choose her, he got to name her so I knew he was invested.
When I finally brought her home he thought she was dirty and ugly and told me to take her back. But after we had her groomed and he got to know her, he absolutely fell head over heels in love with her. She was his best buddy. Sometimes I even got a little jealous of the two of them.
He told me after he was diagnosed that he wanted her ashes to be with his. I joked with him that he didn't care where I went as long as he had the dog. She was his constant companion the fourteen months he was going through radiation and chemotherapy after he was diagnosed. She slept on his bed or under his bed when he finally came home from the hospital and was right there when he took his last breath.
I am obviously very attached to her and sometimes do not discipline her the way I should.
She is not good with small children and has bit and snapped at my nieces. She is definitely not perfect but she is mine and I love her with all of my heart. She is the last remaining thing I have of Jeff since I no longer speak to anyone in his family.
Since Wyoming has moved to town, he doesn't agree with how I treat my dog. He thinks she needs more discipline and his idea of how to treat a dog is completely different than mine. My dog spends all of her time inside when I'm home. She's only outside when I'm not at home. Wyoming is used to dogs being outside all of the time and definitely not on the furniture or bed. He raised two pit bulls so he's used to bigger, tougher dogs.
He is rougher with my dog than I'm used to and she is so much smaller than his other two dogs that even when he's not disciplining her, just the way he plays and pets her is rough and she cries out because she's scared of him, which makes him angry, he thinks she's a big wuss. I don't think he means to hurt her, because he has taught her tricks and is constantly giving her snacks and they even take naps together and they go for walks together when I'm at work, but he is much harder on her when she does something wrong than I would be. I feel like he is at two extremes, he gives her too many snacks and feeds her from the table, which I don't allow. I think she should only eat dog food not so much human food. But he's also harder on her when he feels she needs to be disciplined when I don't think she needs to be disciplined that much or to that extreme.
It's definitely been a big struggle. I know I'm overly attached and over protective of her, but she's my baby and there is definitely a "Jeff trigger" when it comes to my dog.
I have been going to therapy and trying to find a compromise. Hopefully, Wyoming and I can come to an agreement about my dog and how she should be treated. I don't want to lose him over my dog, but I also need my dog to not be anxious, which then helps with my own anxiety. She is very important to me and she is the last remaining piece of Jeff I feel I have left.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Thursday, November 8, 2018
A Break from Thanksgiving Tradition
The holiday season is upon us again. Another year of holidays without Jeff and Mom but this year we are going to have our first break from our traditional Thanksgiving.
I wrote a post a couple of years back about how I had to organize Thanksgiving for the first time. You can read it here. That was the beginning of a new tradition since my mom couldn't organize it anymore. Last year, my aunt hosted Thanksgiving. This year, the majority of the family will not be in town for Thanksgiving. My sister will be going to her husband's family, my aunt who hosted last year will be out in Arizona, and other family will be in Atlanta.
Now family being out of town for Thanksgiving isn't a big deal. Thanksgiving's are very hit and miss for us. Some years we have had almost 30 people for Thanksgiving and other years we've only had 5 people. But this year, since a lot of family will be out of town, my dad suggested we just go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving instead of hosting.
If my mom was still here, there is no way we would ever have Thanksgiving at a restaurant. She would host it for however many people were available to come. No matter how many or how few, as long as we were in town, we always had a home cooked Thanksgiving meal at a family member's home.
I have been struggling with this break from tradition. I know that things change over time but the idea of eating Thanksgiving in a restaurant in my own hometown kind of messes with me.
But I also know that I will be organizing Christmas again this year and we usually have about 30 people for Christmas. In 2016, I organized both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was just too much for me. I'm struggling between continuing a tradition and doing what is best for me physically, emotionally, and mentally during the holiday season, especially because Jeff started whole brain radiation around Thanksgiving and he died December 29th. With a lot of responsibility and also being a bit of an emotional mess around the holidays, I've learned that I need to take care of myself.
At some point I need to let go of the traditions that shaped my childhood and early adult years. At some point I need to embrace change, especially since both Mom and Jeff are now gone. Maybe it's time to start new traditions? Or maybe just not focus on traditions at all?
I wrote a post a couple of years back about how I had to organize Thanksgiving for the first time. You can read it here. That was the beginning of a new tradition since my mom couldn't organize it anymore. Last year, my aunt hosted Thanksgiving. This year, the majority of the family will not be in town for Thanksgiving. My sister will be going to her husband's family, my aunt who hosted last year will be out in Arizona, and other family will be in Atlanta.
Now family being out of town for Thanksgiving isn't a big deal. Thanksgiving's are very hit and miss for us. Some years we have had almost 30 people for Thanksgiving and other years we've only had 5 people. But this year, since a lot of family will be out of town, my dad suggested we just go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving instead of hosting.
If my mom was still here, there is no way we would ever have Thanksgiving at a restaurant. She would host it for however many people were available to come. No matter how many or how few, as long as we were in town, we always had a home cooked Thanksgiving meal at a family member's home.
I have been struggling with this break from tradition. I know that things change over time but the idea of eating Thanksgiving in a restaurant in my own hometown kind of messes with me.
But I also know that I will be organizing Christmas again this year and we usually have about 30 people for Christmas. In 2016, I organized both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was just too much for me. I'm struggling between continuing a tradition and doing what is best for me physically, emotionally, and mentally during the holiday season, especially because Jeff started whole brain radiation around Thanksgiving and he died December 29th. With a lot of responsibility and also being a bit of an emotional mess around the holidays, I've learned that I need to take care of myself.
At some point I need to let go of the traditions that shaped my childhood and early adult years. At some point I need to embrace change, especially since both Mom and Jeff are now gone. Maybe it's time to start new traditions? Or maybe just not focus on traditions at all?
Thursday, November 1, 2018
A Widow's Steps to Recovery and Happiness
When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer, I started exploring ways for us to live a healthier lifestyle. I knew that I needed to take steps to better care for myself so I could take care of him. After he died, I only had myself to take care of so I tried my very best to continue the steps I began while he was sick. Below are the steps that I incorporated into my life and have continued since his passing.
Step 1:
Eating more whole/organic food and consuming less processed food was the first step. I always kind of knew that processed food was bad for the body, but once Jeff got sick, I learned all about how processed food and synthetic chemicals affected the body, which can then lead to diseases such as cancer over time.
The main change I made was what I ate for breakfast. I used to eat a bagel with cream cheese or a pre-made yogurt smoothie with a ton of sugar or some kind of granola bar for breakfast, but then I started making mostly organic smoothies before work. I was buying a new Nutribullet every couple of years because I really liked the single serving, super efficient little blender but my frozen smoothie ingredients every morning were just too much for the little guy so I finally ended up investing in a Vitamix last year. The Vitamix is definitely a power house and I love it for my smoothies. My usual morning smoothie consists of frozen blueberries, banana, apple, carrots, broccoli, spinach and kale mix, greek yogurt and collagen powder. These are very convenient because everything is frozen except for the greek yogurt and collagen powder. I just pull it all out of the freezer and add the yogurt and collagen powder and blend (less time than it took me to toast and smear a bagel). I try to use organic produce for my smoothies most of the time. They give me a bunch of vitamins and nutrients and usually keep me full until lunch and they are so much better than the processed stuff I used to eat for breakfast. I feel lighter, am less tired, sleep better, and am more able to focus in the mornings.
Step 2:
The next thing I focused on besides a healthier diet was exercise. I have always been slightly active but I started becoming more focused once Jeff was diagnosed because of the stress and health benefits of working out. By the time Jeff was diagnosed, I had already given up lifting weights at the gym and sporadic jogging due to knee injuries (surgery on both knees back in high school). I had been taking yoga classes on and off, but they were getting expensive and I was frustrated because I was having a hard time finding instructors I liked. Then a friend recommended Pilates. After my first Pilates class I was hooked. My favorite Pilates studio is called Club Pilates. It is the best combination of breathing and focus, which are the things I liked about yoga and also incorporates core and other strength exercises. I am very committed to Pilates and try to go three to four times a week now. I think Pilates has helped my emotional and physical state immensely.
Step 3:
The next step I focused on was my mental and emotional health. I knew that I was having issues with anxiety and depression after Jeff was diagnosed but I waited until after he died to finally get professional help. I devoured any and all literature on grief, including pamphlets, books, blogs and other reading materials. I met with a grief group twice a month the first year after Jeff died. I was referred to the group through the hospice program Jeff was in but I'm sure through research there are all different kinds of groups available depending on the city. I also started individual therapy and went on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication. Group meetings, individual therapy, and medication definitely helped a lot those first few years.
I think medication for any issue should never be something that a person is ashamed of. When my doctor suggested I start taking medicine, I knew it was something I needed to help me feel better. I was on medication for a little over a year after Jeff died and then discussed options with my doctor about going off of medication. We also talked about the signs to be aware of in case I needed to go back on my medication. But my doctor also agreed that if I could manage without them and use more natural remedies, that she thought it was a good idea. I also knew that I didn't want to be on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication forever, so I started researching other more natural ways to combat both.
Step 4:
The most recent step I have added is the use of essential oils. I had been researching the use of essential oils to help with stress, anxiety, and insomnia and started off with a basic diffuser and essential oils that I bought at TJMAXX. I didn't know very much about essential oils and the difference between the quality of them but as I did further research, I realized that it was just as important to buy quality oils as it is to buy quality food. A friend told me about Young Living about 3 years ago, but at that time I was just not willing to spend that much money on oils when I could get them at discounted retail stores for very little money. I thought I could get the same results from less expensive oils, which I realized later were much lower in quality. It's taken me years to move from the lesser quality oils and move into cleaner, higher quality oils and have recently started buying my oils from Young Living. I also heard that doTERRA and Floracopeia are also high quality brands.
I'm not going to say that essential oils solved all of my issues. What I am going to say is that they help me deal with them in a healthier way. There are so many awesome oils to help with so many different issues. The main oils I love are the ones that help me deal with stress, anxiety, and sleeping.
It is important to do your research before you begin using essential oils. Some essential oils are very potent and if used incorrectly could be harmful. This is why I decided to start buying essential oils from Young Living. Because I buy from Young Living, there is a whole community of people that I can turn to for questions on practically anything to do with essential oils. I have now gotten awesome and safe recipes for allergies, insomnia, bronchitis, common colds, feeling run down, and weight loss support so far. I feel like incorporating essential oils is just another step in taking care of myself along with proper nutrition, exercise, and therapy.
If anyone is interested in signing up to be a part of my awesome essential oils community, feel free to check out the sign up page here. You DO NOT by any means need to sign up or buy anything though. You can click on the tabs at the top to learn all about Young Living and just explore or you could look into doTERRA and Floracopeia, which are also quality brands of oils. I do suggest if you are planning to start using essential oils that you do your research and try to find the best quality oils for your budget and needs and how to safely incorporate them into your life.
Adding essential oils has been the most recent step that I've taken to care for myself. Just like healthy eating, therapy, and exercise, quality essential oils may be pricey but what I've realized is that we all take care of so many other people, monetarily and emotionally, that I feel justified in spending time and money on myself.
We all need to make sure that we take the time to figure out what steps we need in order to recover and find happiness again. It has taken me almost five years to figure out what works for me. During that time, I have tried many different things, some with more success than others. These four steps have worked for me so far and I plan on continuing to look for more steps that will help me continue to be happy.
Step 1:
Eating more whole/organic food and consuming less processed food was the first step. I always kind of knew that processed food was bad for the body, but once Jeff got sick, I learned all about how processed food and synthetic chemicals affected the body, which can then lead to diseases such as cancer over time.
The main change I made was what I ate for breakfast. I used to eat a bagel with cream cheese or a pre-made yogurt smoothie with a ton of sugar or some kind of granola bar for breakfast, but then I started making mostly organic smoothies before work. I was buying a new Nutribullet every couple of years because I really liked the single serving, super efficient little blender but my frozen smoothie ingredients every morning were just too much for the little guy so I finally ended up investing in a Vitamix last year. The Vitamix is definitely a power house and I love it for my smoothies. My usual morning smoothie consists of frozen blueberries, banana, apple, carrots, broccoli, spinach and kale mix, greek yogurt and collagen powder. These are very convenient because everything is frozen except for the greek yogurt and collagen powder. I just pull it all out of the freezer and add the yogurt and collagen powder and blend (less time than it took me to toast and smear a bagel). I try to use organic produce for my smoothies most of the time. They give me a bunch of vitamins and nutrients and usually keep me full until lunch and they are so much better than the processed stuff I used to eat for breakfast. I feel lighter, am less tired, sleep better, and am more able to focus in the mornings.
Step 2:
The next thing I focused on besides a healthier diet was exercise. I have always been slightly active but I started becoming more focused once Jeff was diagnosed because of the stress and health benefits of working out. By the time Jeff was diagnosed, I had already given up lifting weights at the gym and sporadic jogging due to knee injuries (surgery on both knees back in high school). I had been taking yoga classes on and off, but they were getting expensive and I was frustrated because I was having a hard time finding instructors I liked. Then a friend recommended Pilates. After my first Pilates class I was hooked. My favorite Pilates studio is called Club Pilates. It is the best combination of breathing and focus, which are the things I liked about yoga and also incorporates core and other strength exercises. I am very committed to Pilates and try to go three to four times a week now. I think Pilates has helped my emotional and physical state immensely.
Step 3:
The next step I focused on was my mental and emotional health. I knew that I was having issues with anxiety and depression after Jeff was diagnosed but I waited until after he died to finally get professional help. I devoured any and all literature on grief, including pamphlets, books, blogs and other reading materials. I met with a grief group twice a month the first year after Jeff died. I was referred to the group through the hospice program Jeff was in but I'm sure through research there are all different kinds of groups available depending on the city. I also started individual therapy and went on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication. Group meetings, individual therapy, and medication definitely helped a lot those first few years.
I think medication for any issue should never be something that a person is ashamed of. When my doctor suggested I start taking medicine, I knew it was something I needed to help me feel better. I was on medication for a little over a year after Jeff died and then discussed options with my doctor about going off of medication. We also talked about the signs to be aware of in case I needed to go back on my medication. But my doctor also agreed that if I could manage without them and use more natural remedies, that she thought it was a good idea. I also knew that I didn't want to be on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication forever, so I started researching other more natural ways to combat both.
Step 4:
The most recent step I have added is the use of essential oils. I had been researching the use of essential oils to help with stress, anxiety, and insomnia and started off with a basic diffuser and essential oils that I bought at TJMAXX. I didn't know very much about essential oils and the difference between the quality of them but as I did further research, I realized that it was just as important to buy quality oils as it is to buy quality food. A friend told me about Young Living about 3 years ago, but at that time I was just not willing to spend that much money on oils when I could get them at discounted retail stores for very little money. I thought I could get the same results from less expensive oils, which I realized later were much lower in quality. It's taken me years to move from the lesser quality oils and move into cleaner, higher quality oils and have recently started buying my oils from Young Living. I also heard that doTERRA and Floracopeia are also high quality brands.
I'm not going to say that essential oils solved all of my issues. What I am going to say is that they help me deal with them in a healthier way. There are so many awesome oils to help with so many different issues. The main oils I love are the ones that help me deal with stress, anxiety, and sleeping.
If anyone is interested in signing up to be a part of my awesome essential oils community, feel free to check out the sign up page here. You DO NOT by any means need to sign up or buy anything though. You can click on the tabs at the top to learn all about Young Living and just explore or you could look into doTERRA and Floracopeia, which are also quality brands of oils. I do suggest if you are planning to start using essential oils that you do your research and try to find the best quality oils for your budget and needs and how to safely incorporate them into your life.
Adding essential oils has been the most recent step that I've taken to care for myself. Just like healthy eating, therapy, and exercise, quality essential oils may be pricey but what I've realized is that we all take care of so many other people, monetarily and emotionally, that I feel justified in spending time and money on myself.
We all need to make sure that we take the time to figure out what steps we need in order to recover and find happiness again. It has taken me almost five years to figure out what works for me. During that time, I have tried many different things, some with more success than others. These four steps have worked for me so far and I plan on continuing to look for more steps that will help me continue to be happy.
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