I Miss His Love

Another 29th.  I wonder if I will ever stop counting the months he's been gone.  Some widows say they never stop and others say they wake up one day and realize they haven't counted for a while.  I'm not sure which widow I want to be, and to be honest with you, I'm not sure if I even get to choose, which is probably for the best. 

But what I do know is, no one will ever love me the way he loved me and I will never love another the way I loved him.  He made me feel so special.  He spoiled me rotten with his love.  Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect and I wasn't perfect but we really were great together.

When I talked to my friends about how much he loved me or how I knew he loved me, it always came back to the same example, which seems so ridiculous, but it's the little things I guess.  My husband would ALWAYS get me something to drink for dinner.  I could be standing right next to the refrigerator and I would ask him to get me a glass of whatever it was I wanted to drink and he ALWAYS got it for me.  He never said "You're right there, get it yourself!"  Never, ever.  He always got it for me.  He also never said no as I reached for something yummy from his plate, even if he was saving it because it was his favorite too.

I also miss his touch.  Throughout our ten years together, he used to roughly grab me or do what he called a "love tap" where he would give me a little slap on my bottom that I usually was not in the mood for.  I would complain and he would usually reply "you should be happy I want to touch you, one day you'll miss it."  Oh how true those words are right now.  Whether it was rough or gentle, it was usually always jarringly rough, I still miss his touch.

It's the funny things I took for granted that I miss the most, the things that used to irritate me.  Now that he's gone, I want to hear him snoring next to me, that would mean he was still here.  I want to hear him gag while he brushes his teeth, that would mean he was still with me.  I want him to give me "love taps" and know that he was still here to touch me.

The fact that he chose me and wanted to be with me, the fact that he chased me and was willing to change some of his bad behaviors for me, the fact that he never let me run away when things got tough, the fact that he told the doctors at the hospital that all he wanted to do was go home and spend time with me when he knew the end was imminent, how this person dedicated himself so completely to me that in his final days, all he thought about was not leaving me alone and making sure I was taken care of, all remind me of how much I was truly loved.  No one will ever love me the way he loved me and I will never love another the way I loved him.  That's a fact.

And since I'm still counting, I really miss his love.

Distractions

I am trying very hard to distract myself this month.  It has not been the best month.

I worked so hard to get through the holidays and the one year anniversary. Then New Years came and went and the idea of new hope and new beginnings started getting to me, especially after my co-worker died on January 2nd. I got a little depressed. I had a few days where I just didn't really want to get out of bed. It was a struggle to do anything. Luckily, it didn't last too long and I was able to pull myself out of it through exercise, going back to work, and getting on a better eating and sleeping schedule.

I'm also saying yes to every invitation I receive for parties, dinners, pub crawls, you name it.  I am saying yes to anything and everything.

I also agreed to allow one of my friends to create an eHarmony profile for me with the stipulation that I do not want to actually meet anyone on eHarmony just yet, I really just want a pen pal.

The idea of going on a date with someone and them potentially touching me or kissing me makes me shudder and cringe still.  But I'm lonely, and I would like some companionship, even if it's only in the form of an email. I'm good at writing, hence a pen pal is the perfect solution. I'm doing what I call "fishing."  I'm essentially sending out smiles and questions to practically every single one of my "matches" as long as they live in a different state.

So far, I'm getting some nice back and forth which is the perfect distraction.  It's nice to have an email waiting in my inbox from someone wondering how my day was.

I Really Hate Cancer

I have to say that this is not a good way to start the new year. This morning, one of my friends from the high school I used to work at, died from breast cancer.  This woman was a bright, shining star.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer and then went into remission for a couple years.  Then she found out it had returned around the same time Jeff was diagnosed.  She even had the same oncologist as Jeff so we used to occasionally run into each other at appointments.

She, like Jeff, was such a positive person.  She took her diagnosis and treatments like a champ.  She continued to sporadically work up until finals week just a couple of weeks ago.

Because I switched schools a few weeks into the semester I wasn't able to see her very often, but I made it a point to see her over Thanksgiving.  She was definitely struggling but I was hopeful that she would make it until the summer.  We discussed ways for her to maintain her health benefits on a limited working schedule. We discussed her going on catastrophic leave since she never paid into long term disability thinking she would never need it and then she didn't qualify because of her pre-existing condition.  I helped her make a list of priorities.

She, deep down inside, knew that she could not continue working a full schedule. Students are exhausting when you are healthy, let alone when you are going through multiple rounds of chemotherapy and radiation and consistently going to the ER to get your lungs drained so you can breathe.

But through it all, she maintained hope and a cheerful disposition. She worried about failing her students. She worried about how her husband, who hasn't worked in a few years, would be able to keep the house if she had to stop working.  She worried about her friends. She worried more about other people than about herself.  Even through her worries, she always smiled and looked at the bright side.  She is an inspiration.

I really hate cancer.

I hope Jeff was there to greet her and they are pain free, kicking back, and having a beer together.

Happy New Year

I forgot to include a picture of my tattoo that I had done on the one year anniversary of Jeff's passing. I had an infiniti symbol tattooed on the inside of my left ring finger. I'm still wearing my ring but I just can't wear it now because it's still healing.  I'm sure one day I'll stop wearing it but I will always have something on my left ring finger commemorating that Jeff is and always will be my husband.

Here's to a new year.  I hope for strength, growth, love, and happiness for everyone in 2015.