Tomorrow will be two years.
I feel like it's been a bit anticlimactic. I got through Christmas relatively well. I've kept busy and maintained a strong workout schedule even though I've had a cold for the past two weeks that relapsed hard the day after Christmas.
I'm hoping tomorrow will just roll on by. Of course I'll recognize the date my husband passed but I'll also still be breathing, moving, and essentially, living. Might as well make that life happy.
I'm meeting two of my girlfriends for brunch tomorrow and then have plans with another girlfriend for dinner so I have things to do and won't be alone.
Then, on the 30th I will be flying out to Wyoming to spend New Years with Wyoming. I'm looking forward to it.
I think making plans helps a lot. I think surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people helps a lot. I think exercising helps a lot. I think having something positive to look forward to helps a lot. I think all kinds of things can be done to help stay up and not let the deep, dark, black hole of grief suck you down.
It doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but I'm hoping that they will only be moments.
Looking back, I'm proud of all that I've accomplished. I truly believe that Jeff is proud of me too and really, that's all I could ever ask for.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
I Survived!
I survived Christmas relatively unscathed this year.
There was of course the typical Christmas family drama (what's Christmas with 20 adults and multiple children all crammed into the same space without a little yelling and crying? What do you mean we only have 5 potatoes and not 10 pounds of potatoes? What do you mean I am the one who has to go find an open grocery store to buy 10 pounds of potatoes even though I wasn't in charge of mashed potatoes this year?) but I didn't let it phase me or stress me out like I would have in past years.
Christmas is ever evolving. This is the second Christmas without Jeff and Grandma. It also felt different this year because one of my uncles is in the hospital awaiting a lung transplant, my mom is battling health issues, and one of my cousins is going through a nasty custody battle and also recovering from a heart attack, while another cousin is in jail.
But, it was still Christmas. It was still full of food, family, laughter, and love. Well, at least in between the yelling and crying.
I have come to realize I would rather have yelling and crying and chaos at Christmas because that means there is family, who even if they might not get along all the time, still love each other enough to come together, maybe fight a little, but all sit down and genuinely enjoy each other's company than a quiet, lonely Christmas.
I have come to realize I would rather have yelling and crying and chaos at Christmas because that means there is family, who even if they might not get along all the time, still love each other enough to come together, maybe fight a little, but all sit down and genuinely enjoy each other's company than a quiet, lonely Christmas.
Hopefully your Christmas was everything you wanted it to be, whether that means it was chaotic, yet full of love, or it was peaceful and routine.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Amen Sister!
This article by Widow Chick epitomizes how I feel right now.
Today is the last day of the semester at school and two years ago today was when I got the phone call from the doctor telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff in the hospital and it was time to call hospice. A little over a week later, he was gone.
Last year, I had a hard time (to say the least) when it came to the holidays. I was almost expecting the grief to hit me hard again (and I may be jinxing myself since there is still a week until Christmas and about two weeks until the anniversary of Jeff's death) but so far I've been doing ok.
I really connect with Widow Chick's article about it getting "easier." It's true what she says that the word "easier" doesn't really quite fit but it's so hard to explain these feelings.
This quote from her article is totally me:
Today is the last day of the semester at school and two years ago today was when I got the phone call from the doctor telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff in the hospital and it was time to call hospice. A little over a week later, he was gone.
Last year, I had a hard time (to say the least) when it came to the holidays. I was almost expecting the grief to hit me hard again (and I may be jinxing myself since there is still a week until Christmas and about two weeks until the anniversary of Jeff's death) but so far I've been doing ok.
I really connect with Widow Chick's article about it getting "easier." It's true what she says that the word "easier" doesn't really quite fit but it's so hard to explain these feelings.
This quote from her article is totally me:
"I know that, in the beginning, when someone would tell me that it gets
easier, I wanted to know the exact date, time, and cause of death of the
person's spouse so that I could compare notes with my own situation.
Okay...so her husband died two years before mine...in an accident...so in exactly six months, four days, and three hours things should be getting easier."
Okay...so her husband died two years before mine...in an accident...so in exactly six months, four days, and three hours things should be getting easier."
I used to say over and over "someone please tell me how to do this whole widow thing and then I can handle it, it will be easier. Please tell me what I will expect tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day for the rest of my life."
But as Widow Chick says:
But as Widow Chick says:
"Doesn't work like that.
And the truth is, that what "easier" means to someone could be completely different from your definition: She could mean that she actually took a shower that morning and remembered to put on matching shoes while you're thinking she means that she is now remarried, got a promotion at work, and is training for a marathon.
I can assure you, that this journey is never "easy" for anyone...I don't care how far out you are or what your current life situation is. Life will never be "simpler, uncomplicated, and effortless."
And the truth is, that what "easier" means to someone could be completely different from your definition: She could mean that she actually took a shower that morning and remembered to put on matching shoes while you're thinking she means that she is now remarried, got a promotion at work, and is training for a marathon.
I can assure you, that this journey is never "easy" for anyone...I don't care how far out you are or what your current life situation is. Life will never be "simpler, uncomplicated, and effortless."
But I do have to say that this year, so far, the holidays have been "easier" for me. I don't know if it's because of the passage of time, the new school I moved to last year, the relationships I have gained and lost since Jeff died, the work I've done on myself with my bereavement group, one-on-one therapy, and all the grief literature I've read, Wyoming, or all of the above combined.
What I do know is that I still feel like Jeff helps me through all of this and I continue to thank him for helping me. I hope he never stops.
If you are having a difficult time this holiday season, hopefully it will get "easier" for you soon.
If you are having a difficult time this holiday season, hopefully it will get "easier" for you soon.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Allegiant
Spoiler alert! Tris dies!
Four has a hard time dealing with her death obviously and he wants to take this serum that will erase his memory. As I was reading this, I also thought how wonderful it would be to erase the pain I feel. I mentioned in a previous post how I wanted to fast forward through grief and I realized, just like Four realizes, that we can't do that.
I love that the last couple of lines of the trilogy are:
"Life damages us, every one. We can't escape damage. But now, I'm also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other."
How fantastic is that statement?
But I think the key is that we need to allow ourselves to be mended. We need to be grateful and thankful for those that we love and care about who are still here, especially during this holiday season.
Four has a hard time dealing with her death obviously and he wants to take this serum that will erase his memory. As I was reading this, I also thought how wonderful it would be to erase the pain I feel. I mentioned in a previous post how I wanted to fast forward through grief and I realized, just like Four realizes, that we can't do that.
I love that the last couple of lines of the trilogy are:
"Life damages us, every one. We can't escape damage. But now, I'm also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other."
How fantastic is that statement?
But I think the key is that we need to allow ourselves to be mended. We need to be grateful and thankful for those that we love and care about who are still here, especially during this holiday season.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad
Today is my parents' wedding anniversary. They have been married for over 40 years. It's been 42 years to be exact. They have definitely been awesome role models.
They were able to retire a little over 10 years ago and have been traveling and relaxing and just enjoying themselves, which I'm glad they got the opportunity to do since my mom has been having some health problems these last couple years.
My dad says all the time now that people should retire as soon as financially possible and really enjoy life. With Jeff leaving so early in life and now with my mom having health problems, I can't agree with him more.
I think about how Jeff and I would be if we would have made it to 42 years of marriage.
But at least my parents made it. Happy 42nd Anniversary Mom and Dad!
They were able to retire a little over 10 years ago and have been traveling and relaxing and just enjoying themselves, which I'm glad they got the opportunity to do since my mom has been having some health problems these last couple years.
My dad says all the time now that people should retire as soon as financially possible and really enjoy life. With Jeff leaving so early in life and now with my mom having health problems, I can't agree with him more.
I think about how Jeff and I would be if we would have made it to 42 years of marriage.
But at least my parents made it. Happy 42nd Anniversary Mom and Dad!
Friday, November 27, 2015
This Thanksgiving, Thank You My Fellow Widows
It's Thanksgiving and some of us widows have a hard time finding things to be thankful for this holiday season. Our chosen family has left us at no fault of our own. We are grieving and hurting while it seems that others are basking in love.
Reading articles and other widow blogs are extremely helpful to me, especially when I am hurting. I don't have anyone close to me who has experienced young widowhood and I crave community. I crave to be understood.
This article reminded me yet again that I am "normal," that others currently and before me have experienced and are experiencing similar thoughts, feelings, grief, angst, guilt, and everything else I am experiencing.
I just want to say this Thanksgiving that I am thankful to the widow community and all those that support us in our times of need. Without your wisdom, strength and compassion I would be lost.
Let us remember to be thankful for each other. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Reading articles and other widow blogs are extremely helpful to me, especially when I am hurting. I don't have anyone close to me who has experienced young widowhood and I crave community. I crave to be understood.
This article reminded me yet again that I am "normal," that others currently and before me have experienced and are experiencing similar thoughts, feelings, grief, angst, guilt, and everything else I am experiencing.
I just want to say this Thanksgiving that I am thankful to the widow community and all those that support us in our times of need. Without your wisdom, strength and compassion I would be lost.
Let us remember to be thankful for each other. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Friday, November 13, 2015
I'm Not Sorry For Letting You Down
I can't take credit for this title. I stole it from here.
This article put into words what I've been feeling these last few months. I know I've been letting people down who are important to me.
I know that I have chosen other things over them and it's now being directly told to me that I have let them down with those choices. They feel not included, left out, and left behind. They are hurt.
I feel bad of course. I feel guilty. But I am not sorry. We are all walking our own paths and trying to navigate a new life without Jeff and I get slapped in the face with that constantly because I lived with him; he was my best friend; my world revolved around him.
Other people feel his loss as well. His death affected them but maybe not to the extent that their entire life changed like mine did. They are still relatively the same, they didn't fall asleep next to him or wake up next to him, but that doesn't negate the fact that they miss him and grieve and hurt as well.
They may be relatively unchanged, but I have been drastically altered. I am not the same person anymore.
Some people crave the person I was before he died. They want the old me back. They want me to do the same things I did while he was alive, they want me to act the same way I did when he was still here. Granted, there are still some things I do that are the same but there is so much that has changed.
Unfortunately, the person I was when Jeff was alive died with Jeff but some people can't see that because my physical body is still walking around talking, laughing, and living. I do understand where they are coming from though. We all have experienced this huge loss with Jeff being gone and it's so hard to bear the thought of losing anything else so I get it when they are trying to cling to the old me. But, they also need to understand that I am not the same person anymore.
People who have experienced such a deep loss understand that we are not the same anymore. Stephanie Zamora who wrote "I'm Not Sorry For Letting You Down" said it perfectly:
"Trying to live up to the measurements of the person I was before. Trying to hold everything together and still be the friend, daughter, sibling, and person they once knew. But I’m not that person anymore, and I’m so very tired...I’m not sorry I didn’t respond to your email as quickly as you’d have liked, or that I didn’t listen to your voicemail. I’m not sorry I’ve been MIA when it comes to hanging out, or I completely missed that text message you sent over the weekend. I’m not sorry that I can’t be the person you need or want me to be in any given moment, for any given situation. I’m not sorry that I chose to sit at home with my cats rather than “rallying” for whatever fun thing you wanted me to do with you. I’m not sorry that sometimes I’m too tired or sad or overwhelmed to give you 100%. I’m not sorry I’m not who I was before. I’m not sorry because I know I’m doing the best that I can, and someone has to step up and take care of me. Someone has to take a stand for my healing and grieving and the person I am today. I’m not sorry that the person I am isn’t the person you expect me to be. I’m just not sorry."
She of course goes on to say that this does not excuse lazy or disrespectful behavior but just the overwhelming grief and guilt we might feel sometimes, which sucks us down that deep, dark hole of misery.
I have finally gotten strong enough to not be sorry for letting others down when I am trying to move forward. I am desperately trying to be happy. Doing some of the things that I did with Jeff doesn't make me happy and doing them just to make others happy is not good for my soul.
So I'm not sorry for letting you down, at least when it involves taking care of my soul.
This article put into words what I've been feeling these last few months. I know I've been letting people down who are important to me.
I know that I have chosen other things over them and it's now being directly told to me that I have let them down with those choices. They feel not included, left out, and left behind. They are hurt.
I feel bad of course. I feel guilty. But I am not sorry. We are all walking our own paths and trying to navigate a new life without Jeff and I get slapped in the face with that constantly because I lived with him; he was my best friend; my world revolved around him.
Other people feel his loss as well. His death affected them but maybe not to the extent that their entire life changed like mine did. They are still relatively the same, they didn't fall asleep next to him or wake up next to him, but that doesn't negate the fact that they miss him and grieve and hurt as well.
They may be relatively unchanged, but I have been drastically altered. I am not the same person anymore.
Some people crave the person I was before he died. They want the old me back. They want me to do the same things I did while he was alive, they want me to act the same way I did when he was still here. Granted, there are still some things I do that are the same but there is so much that has changed.
Unfortunately, the person I was when Jeff was alive died with Jeff but some people can't see that because my physical body is still walking around talking, laughing, and living. I do understand where they are coming from though. We all have experienced this huge loss with Jeff being gone and it's so hard to bear the thought of losing anything else so I get it when they are trying to cling to the old me. But, they also need to understand that I am not the same person anymore.
People who have experienced such a deep loss understand that we are not the same anymore. Stephanie Zamora who wrote "I'm Not Sorry For Letting You Down" said it perfectly:
"Trying to live up to the measurements of the person I was before. Trying to hold everything together and still be the friend, daughter, sibling, and person they once knew. But I’m not that person anymore, and I’m so very tired...I’m not sorry I didn’t respond to your email as quickly as you’d have liked, or that I didn’t listen to your voicemail. I’m not sorry I’ve been MIA when it comes to hanging out, or I completely missed that text message you sent over the weekend. I’m not sorry that I can’t be the person you need or want me to be in any given moment, for any given situation. I’m not sorry that I chose to sit at home with my cats rather than “rallying” for whatever fun thing you wanted me to do with you. I’m not sorry that sometimes I’m too tired or sad or overwhelmed to give you 100%. I’m not sorry I’m not who I was before. I’m not sorry because I know I’m doing the best that I can, and someone has to step up and take care of me. Someone has to take a stand for my healing and grieving and the person I am today. I’m not sorry that the person I am isn’t the person you expect me to be. I’m just not sorry."
She of course goes on to say that this does not excuse lazy or disrespectful behavior but just the overwhelming grief and guilt we might feel sometimes, which sucks us down that deep, dark hole of misery.
I have finally gotten strong enough to not be sorry for letting others down when I am trying to move forward. I am desperately trying to be happy. Doing some of the things that I did with Jeff doesn't make me happy and doing them just to make others happy is not good for my soul.
So I'm not sorry for letting you down, at least when it involves taking care of my soul.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
How Do I Start to Get Back on Track You Ask?
As widows we have to try and "get back on track," to "find our new normal," to "start living a life for ourselves," and all those other wonderful words of advice people tell us and we tell ourselves.
It's easier said than done, right?
I just need someone to tell me how to do it! I exhaustively read grief literature, widow blogs, and anything else I can get my hands and eyes on to help me move forward. I gave a little snippet of some of the literature that helped me the most in a previous blog post.
But recently, I found this fantastic article called "10 Things You Must Give Up to Get Yourself Back on Track" that has a great little list of some things that you could do to help focus and jump start your "new normal," your "new life," or whatever else you want to call it. I know it helped to reinforce things I already know and shed some light on some things I needed to see.
Hope it helps!
It's easier said than done, right?
I just need someone to tell me how to do it! I exhaustively read grief literature, widow blogs, and anything else I can get my hands and eyes on to help me move forward. I gave a little snippet of some of the literature that helped me the most in a previous blog post.
But recently, I found this fantastic article called "10 Things You Must Give Up to Get Yourself Back on Track" that has a great little list of some things that you could do to help focus and jump start your "new normal," your "new life," or whatever else you want to call it. I know it helped to reinforce things I already know and shed some light on some things I needed to see.
Hope it helps!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
A List to Jeff
In a way, I feel like I died when Jeff died.
Jeff was the love of my life...but since that life is over...I have the possibility of having a new love of my life...but it's so hard for me to understand how I can love Jeff so much still, yet love Wyoming so much as well.
It is said that widow's and widower's need to find their new normal, their new purpose, their new life. So I am living a new life. I was forced to be reborn. I am learning to love someone new.
When I decided to start really thinking about dating back in January, I made a list of six things that I wanted in my next partner. I wrote this in my journal where I wrote my letters to Jeff. I recently went and found this journal because I remember thinking that Wyoming met most of the things on the list and when I found the list and reread it, he not only fit some but all. Wyoming meets all six criteria from my list.
I am now realizing that one of the best things about Wyoming that is not on my list of criteria is that he is just so understanding and patient and not threatened with me and my grief. I will be having a complete and total meltdown over Jeff and how much I miss him and how guilty I feel and Wyoming just rolls with it. He supports me and comforts me and does not seem threatened at all by my grief and love for Jeff.
This last meltdown happened on Jeff's birthday while I was in Vegas. I was totally fine and then all of a sudden something triggered the grief and I was a blubbering, sobbing, snot-covered mess. As usual, I called Wyoming and he was his typical, steadfast rock helping me through it all.
I truly believe that Jeff understands and knows how difficult it has been for me since he's been gone. Maybe Jeff saw my list and helped find a man who could meet all the criteria from my list and even things that I didn't even know I needed. Wyoming really is someone very special.
I just think it's funny that Jeff had to go all the way to Wyoming to find him!
Jeff was the love of my life...but since that life is over...I have the possibility of having a new love of my life...but it's so hard for me to understand how I can love Jeff so much still, yet love Wyoming so much as well.
It is said that widow's and widower's need to find their new normal, their new purpose, their new life. So I am living a new life. I was forced to be reborn. I am learning to love someone new.
When I decided to start really thinking about dating back in January, I made a list of six things that I wanted in my next partner. I wrote this in my journal where I wrote my letters to Jeff. I recently went and found this journal because I remember thinking that Wyoming met most of the things on the list and when I found the list and reread it, he not only fit some but all. Wyoming meets all six criteria from my list.
I am now realizing that one of the best things about Wyoming that is not on my list of criteria is that he is just so understanding and patient and not threatened with me and my grief. I will be having a complete and total meltdown over Jeff and how much I miss him and how guilty I feel and Wyoming just rolls with it. He supports me and comforts me and does not seem threatened at all by my grief and love for Jeff.
This last meltdown happened on Jeff's birthday while I was in Vegas. I was totally fine and then all of a sudden something triggered the grief and I was a blubbering, sobbing, snot-covered mess. As usual, I called Wyoming and he was his typical, steadfast rock helping me through it all.
I truly believe that Jeff understands and knows how difficult it has been for me since he's been gone. Maybe Jeff saw my list and helped find a man who could meet all the criteria from my list and even things that I didn't even know I needed. Wyoming really is someone very special.
I just think it's funny that Jeff had to go all the way to Wyoming to find him!
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Happy 40th Birthday Bober!
This weekend is Jeff's 40th birthday. A few of his friends also have birthdays in October and it is a tradition to go out to Vegas every year to celebrate everybody's birthdays.
We will be celebrating Jeff and everybody else who has a birthday in October this weekend.
I'm leaving on a jet plane to Vegas tonight. Get ready Vegas!
We will be celebrating Jeff and everybody else who has a birthday in October this weekend.
I'm leaving on a jet plane to Vegas tonight. Get ready Vegas!
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Over 100 blog posts!
I can't believe I've published over 100 blog posts! I am very proud of myself and I hope that what I have written has helped people in the same way other bloggers have helped me.
I never really thought of myself as a super optimistic person. I can be very cynical, sarcastic, harsh and blunt. But after reading though the 100 blog posts I've published, I've noticed that I try very hard to look at the bright side of things, especially in the widow situation. Don't get me wrong, I have my dark moments, and sometimes those moments last for weeks but I try really hard to come out of that by remembering how fortunate I am in life in general.
So, I have to say that not only am I proud of myself for writing and publishing over 100 posts, I'm also proud of myself for trying to look on the bright side of things.
For fun, here are some of the most common (and cliche) quotes about looking at the bright side of things:
I never really thought of myself as a super optimistic person. I can be very cynical, sarcastic, harsh and blunt. But after reading though the 100 blog posts I've published, I've noticed that I try very hard to look at the bright side of things, especially in the widow situation. Don't get me wrong, I have my dark moments, and sometimes those moments last for weeks but I try really hard to come out of that by remembering how fortunate I am in life in general.
So, I have to say that not only am I proud of myself for writing and publishing over 100 posts, I'm also proud of myself for trying to look on the bright side of things.
For fun, here are some of the most common (and cliche) quotes about looking at the bright side of things:
- When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
- There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.
- Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
- Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
- You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down.
Friday, September 25, 2015
What a Difference a Year Makes
Why Would You EVER Mention Your Spouse's Name on a Date?
Don't you know better?
That guy (or girl) doesn't want to hear about it. All of your past experiences? Your life?
He doesn't want to hear about how your husband stood by you while you studied and worked for a degree. She doesn't want to hear about that moment when your children were born.
He could care less about the moment you met.
She doesn't like it when you mention your wife. At all.
Why would you ever consider sharing your life with
someone who doesn't care about...your life?
This Widow Chick post resonated with me specifically because one of my friends and I got into a heated discussion about her disapproval of me dating Wyoming.
She literally asked me why I share information about Jeff's life and my life with Jeff with him. How could I even think about telling him about such private information? The look on her face was shocking to me as she was wholeheartedly repulsed at the idea of being so open and vulnerable about my life and Jeff with this man that I'm trying to spend my life with. It was like she thought it was a betrayal or something.
Obviously I responded by saying that I was trying to start a relationship with him, why wouldn't I want him to know about Jeff and my life with Jeff?!
I also have to reflect right now about what a difference a year makes. I spent my birthday this year with Wyoming, traveling around Wyoming and South Dakota, checking out things I've never seen before like Devils Tower, Crazy Horse, and Mt. Rushmore. We stayed at some awesome hotels, Victorian Inns, and little cottages. He took me to some fantastic restaurants. I smiled this year on my birthday instead of crying.
What a difference a year makes. I feel like I've grown so much in a year which allowed me to be in a space in which to be vulnerable and open for love.
Why would I consider sharing my life and my life with Jeff with Wyoming? What am I thinking? I'm thinking I have a fearless heart.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Signs or Just Coincidence?
I just recently finished reading a novel called The Hypnotist's Love Story by Liane Moriarty. This is just one of the many novels my sister gave me months ago and I just got around to reading it.
In the last few months I have finally started reading for pleasure again. For a long time, all I was reading was grief literature in all kinds of different forms. I gave a "snippet" of just some of the grief literature I have read in a previous blog.
The Hypnotist's Love Story is not a novel about grief per se, but it does have a widower in the story as one of the major characters. This particular passage caught my eye:
"Colleen told me I'd fall in love again, and have more babies, and I said I wouldn't. I said I'd never be happy again. But I am. Sometimes I think, actually, this is better than it ever was with Colleen. It's deeper, it's more grown-up. It's just...better. Then I thank God and the Internet that I met you! And then I feel bad for Colleen, because it's like I'm thinking, thank God she died...Don't you ever have thoughts that totally contradict each other? Isn't it possible to feel one thing one day and the opposite the next? And the stupid thing is, when I have those thoughts, I feel like I should make up for it to Colleen by remembering all the good times I had with her. As penance. So the better it is with you, the more I think about her."
It's either been a very large coincidence or there are actually signs that I have been watching and reading all of these things recently (Widow Chick, Young Widowed and Rebuilding, Real Housewives of New York, The Hypnotist's Love Story) that are helping guide my feelings regarding my guilt of moving forward with my life, particularly with Wyoming. My guilt monster is fighting very hard to win but these "signs" keep emerging.
I really do feel that it is Jeff telling me it is ok to move forward and be truly happy again.
In the last few months I have finally started reading for pleasure again. For a long time, all I was reading was grief literature in all kinds of different forms. I gave a "snippet" of just some of the grief literature I have read in a previous blog.
The Hypnotist's Love Story is not a novel about grief per se, but it does have a widower in the story as one of the major characters. This particular passage caught my eye:
"Colleen told me I'd fall in love again, and have more babies, and I said I wouldn't. I said I'd never be happy again. But I am. Sometimes I think, actually, this is better than it ever was with Colleen. It's deeper, it's more grown-up. It's just...better. Then I thank God and the Internet that I met you! And then I feel bad for Colleen, because it's like I'm thinking, thank God she died...Don't you ever have thoughts that totally contradict each other? Isn't it possible to feel one thing one day and the opposite the next? And the stupid thing is, when I have those thoughts, I feel like I should make up for it to Colleen by remembering all the good times I had with her. As penance. So the better it is with you, the more I think about her."
It's either been a very large coincidence or there are actually signs that I have been watching and reading all of these things recently (Widow Chick, Young Widowed and Rebuilding, Real Housewives of New York, The Hypnotist's Love Story) that are helping guide my feelings regarding my guilt of moving forward with my life, particularly with Wyoming. My guilt monster is fighting very hard to win but these "signs" keep emerging.
I really do feel that it is Jeff telling me it is ok to move forward and be truly happy again.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Widow Chick Does it Again!
Holy poop, Widow Chick is literally reading my mind!
I've been trying to deal with all that has been going on with my friends and my decisions about trying to move forward and she (again!) hit it out of the park with this last post of hers.
Since she says it so much better than me, I'm just going to let her speak and nod my head enthusiastically and shout "YES!" and "EXACTLY!"
I've been trying to deal with all that has been going on with my friends and my decisions about trying to move forward and she (again!) hit it out of the park with this last post of hers.
Since she says it so much better than me, I'm just going to let her speak and nod my head enthusiastically and shout "YES!" and "EXACTLY!"
Friday, September 11, 2015
Another Real Housewives of New York Post
I find so much comfort in hearing other widows' experiences and how they
are dealing with widowhood, how it has affected their lives, how they
handle guilt, how it has changed them, and how they have ultimately
moved forward or even stayed stagnant. It reminds me that I'm not alone
in my grief.
I watched "The Real Housewives of New York" reunion and Carole and Dorinda talked candidly about their experiences as widows again.
Dorinda spoke about how her and Richard had a talk before he died that she shouldn't do the whole "Queen Victoria" thing where she walks around in black because he told her that she likes people and she likes love and she likes companionship and she did fulfill her vows till death did them part and she did them correctly.
Then Carole shares that she envies Dorinda that conversation because denial doesn't outlast death but with Anthony it really did, so they never got to have that conversation about moving on. He wasn't accepting that he was going to die and he was fighting until the very, very end, so there was no conversation about moving on.
Jeff, like Anthony, fought and denied until the very end. We thought he was going to get out of that bed and keep fighting when he first got home from the hospital. And we kept thinking that until there literally was no more conversation, until he slipped into a coma and couldn't speak anymore. Then it was too late to have the conversation.
I have a lot of guilt about moving forward because we didn't have that conversation.
People say that he wouldn't want me to be alone. Leaving me alone was the only thing he was upset about, the only thing that he actually expressed to me regarding him dying, he said that he just didn't want to leave me alone.
Because I never got to hear him say that it was ok to move forward with another person, I worry a lot about whether or not he really would want me to move forward and love again the way I loved him, or if he just didn't want to leave me alone.
My guilt monster is an evil beast. I wonder if I was able to have that conversation with Jeff, like Dorinda had with Richard about moving forward after he died, would I even have a guilt monster?
I watched "The Real Housewives of New York" reunion and Carole and Dorinda talked candidly about their experiences as widows again.
Dorinda spoke about how her and Richard had a talk before he died that she shouldn't do the whole "Queen Victoria" thing where she walks around in black because he told her that she likes people and she likes love and she likes companionship and she did fulfill her vows till death did them part and she did them correctly.
Then Carole shares that she envies Dorinda that conversation because denial doesn't outlast death but with Anthony it really did, so they never got to have that conversation about moving on. He wasn't accepting that he was going to die and he was fighting until the very, very end, so there was no conversation about moving on.
Jeff, like Anthony, fought and denied until the very end. We thought he was going to get out of that bed and keep fighting when he first got home from the hospital. And we kept thinking that until there literally was no more conversation, until he slipped into a coma and couldn't speak anymore. Then it was too late to have the conversation.
I have a lot of guilt about moving forward because we didn't have that conversation.
People say that he wouldn't want me to be alone. Leaving me alone was the only thing he was upset about, the only thing that he actually expressed to me regarding him dying, he said that he just didn't want to leave me alone.
Because I never got to hear him say that it was ok to move forward with another person, I worry a lot about whether or not he really would want me to move forward and love again the way I loved him, or if he just didn't want to leave me alone.
My guilt monster is an evil beast. I wonder if I was able to have that conversation with Jeff, like Dorinda had with Richard about moving forward after he died, would I even have a guilt monster?
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Friends: What Are They Good For? Absolutely Everything!
Friends: What Are They Good For? Absolutely Everything! Even when they are fighting with you. Even when they are trying to protect you. Even when that "protection" is making you miserable and it's hurting you. They call it caring, loving, protecting, and in all that, supposedly supporting. It does not feel like love, protection, or support. It feels like the complete opposite. It feels like I'm being attacked.
I know I couldn't have survived these last couple years without Jeff if it wasn't for my friends (my blog URL has "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it!) but boy are we having a rough time right now. I need to clarify, that it's not ALL of my friends but just a handful of very close friends.
They are afraid for me. They think Wyoming has too much "baggage," is manipulating me, and that I got into a relationship with him too fast.
I do know that they love me and what they are doing is out of love but enough is enough. They may disagree with my decision to get into another relationship, a relationship that is not only long distance but one with a man who has, what they consider "baggage," but this is still my decision and, ultimately, my life.
Living a full life is messy. Sometimes mistakes are made. Sometimes people lose loved ones. Sometimes people are young and dumb or even old and dumb. Baggage in life is inescapable. I know that I have a ton of baggage, I'm a widow! There are all kinds of different types of baggage out there. And each person's definition and perspective of baggage is different. Baggage hopefully never drags you down but adds to your life. It makes things more colorful and also gives you resources to draw from in times of need. Baggage is only negative when a person allows it to be negative.
But, here's the thing, it's not just about baggage. I also know what it's like to be loved and to be in a relationship with someone. I honestly feel safe and secure in my relationship with Wyoming until my friends get involved and make me second guess everything, which is not fair to me or him. I do not feel like I rushed into anything. I know what it feels like to truly, madly, deeply love another person. I also know how to try my very hardest to love with an open heart.
I feel attacked because I feel like they don't have any faith in me. They say it has more to do with lack of faith in him, but they don't even know him, so the way I see it, it is a lack of faith in me. I feel like they do not have faith in me to make my own decisions.
I'm getting a taste of my own medicine though because I know in the past I definitely didn't support them with their decisions in life...especially when I thought I had all the answers and thought my way was the only right way.
I have been officially knocked off my high horse by widowhood.
I guess my whole point is that we all have to walk our own path in life. Sometimes we gather baggage along the way. Sometimes that baggage changes us. It could change us for the better or it could change us for the worse, but that is our path to walk and our baggage to carry. Sometimes our path and our baggage may cause us to stumble and fall and we need people we trust to help us back up, hand our baggage back to us or even help us to discard it if it's weighing us down, but we still have to make our own decisions and walk that path on our own.
My path is different than theirs, their path is different than mine. I just need to feel supported and that they will be there for me when I stumble and fall, even if they disagree with the path I have chosen.
I love my friends. I need them in my life. But I also need them to let me walk my own path, baggage and all.
I know I couldn't have survived these last couple years without Jeff if it wasn't for my friends (my blog URL has "girlfriends are the new husbands" in it!) but boy are we having a rough time right now. I need to clarify, that it's not ALL of my friends but just a handful of very close friends.
They are afraid for me. They think Wyoming has too much "baggage," is manipulating me, and that I got into a relationship with him too fast.
I do know that they love me and what they are doing is out of love but enough is enough. They may disagree with my decision to get into another relationship, a relationship that is not only long distance but one with a man who has, what they consider "baggage," but this is still my decision and, ultimately, my life.
Living a full life is messy. Sometimes mistakes are made. Sometimes people lose loved ones. Sometimes people are young and dumb or even old and dumb. Baggage in life is inescapable. I know that I have a ton of baggage, I'm a widow! There are all kinds of different types of baggage out there. And each person's definition and perspective of baggage is different. Baggage hopefully never drags you down but adds to your life. It makes things more colorful and also gives you resources to draw from in times of need. Baggage is only negative when a person allows it to be negative.
But, here's the thing, it's not just about baggage. I also know what it's like to be loved and to be in a relationship with someone. I honestly feel safe and secure in my relationship with Wyoming until my friends get involved and make me second guess everything, which is not fair to me or him. I do not feel like I rushed into anything. I know what it feels like to truly, madly, deeply love another person. I also know how to try my very hardest to love with an open heart.
I feel attacked because I feel like they don't have any faith in me. They say it has more to do with lack of faith in him, but they don't even know him, so the way I see it, it is a lack of faith in me. I feel like they do not have faith in me to make my own decisions.
I'm getting a taste of my own medicine though because I know in the past I definitely didn't support them with their decisions in life...especially when I thought I had all the answers and thought my way was the only right way.
I have been officially knocked off my high horse by widowhood.
I guess my whole point is that we all have to walk our own path in life. Sometimes we gather baggage along the way. Sometimes that baggage changes us. It could change us for the better or it could change us for the worse, but that is our path to walk and our baggage to carry. Sometimes our path and our baggage may cause us to stumble and fall and we need people we trust to help us back up, hand our baggage back to us or even help us to discard it if it's weighing us down, but we still have to make our own decisions and walk that path on our own.
My path is different than theirs, their path is different than mine. I just need to feel supported and that they will be there for me when I stumble and fall, even if they disagree with the path I have chosen.
I love my friends. I need them in my life. But I also need them to let me walk my own path, baggage and all.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Intimacy Is the Key to Finding Love
Sometimes I am flabbergasted at the fact that I have so many successful, awesome, yet single girlfriends. And these women haven't only been single for a few months, but years!
These women are a lot like me: strong, independent, successful, make good money in awesome careers, either own their own homes or live in apartments without the need for a roommate, and they do not have kids. Why aren't they with the love of their lives?
Something is wrong with this picture.
I feel guilty sometimes that I was lucky enough to have had Jeff and now I have Wyoming. Some of my girlfriends have not even had a Jeff and I've now had a Jeff and a Wyoming. How is that at all fair, Universe? I want my friends to find love, safety, comfort, and a best friend like I have.
I've been thinking about this a lot. I know there is no perfect person out there. I didn't even like Jeff when I first met him. I thought he was loud, boorish, and not at all very attractive. But through the 7 years we were in the same social circle, I slowly got to know his personality, heart, and soul and grew to love him unconditionally.
I read this article and it really shed some light on dating and finding real intimacy, which is the key to finding love. I realized that, unknowingly, I practiced the skills from this article with Jeff when we secretly started dating after 7 years of just being friends. We kept our dating a secret because we didn't want any outside interference from our friends, which I realize now was the best thing we could have ever done to build trust and intimacy.
I also noticed that I practice these skills with Wyoming as I am getting to know him through email, text messaging, over the phone, through FaceTime, and now in person. Distance definitely helped with some of these but I honestly believe that we are both in a place in our lives where we want to find an intimate connection, share our vulnerabilities, and find love. I know for sure distance has helped me with sharing my vulnerabilities enormously. I have been able to tell him things on the phone that I might not have been able to talk as openly about if we were in person. But once we finally did meet in person, all the intimacy and trust that was established over the phone, through texting, emailing and FaceTiming was apparent and everything felt natural and normal.
I do have to admit that I am still petrified of being hurt. I think I am more afraid of him leaving me without any choice on his or my part, just like Jeff. As I move forward with my relationship with Wyoming, I'm still afraid of that but I'm trying to not let that get in the way of being happy in the present moment. I'm trying to be like Wendy! In this blog post she discusses having a fearless heart.
Wyoming has been and continues to be very patient and understanding of my fears but if I hadn't been vulnerable and shared my fears with him, there could easily have been a miscommunication in that my fear could have been misconstrued and he might have thought I just wasn't that in to him.
In having conversations with my friends about their dating life, I have definitely noticed that they are not practicing a lot of the skills from the article, which might make more sense as to why they are still single. But, I also think a lot of the men they are dating are also not practicing the skills from the article. I don't think it's just one person's fault.
It's ok to be vulnerable. I know it's hard after losing the love of your life, you can't imagine going through that kind of pain again, but in holding back, all you're really doing is hurting yourself. It's a risk to put yourself out there, but if you don't, you may miss out on the next best thing to ever happen to you, which is finding your next partner and best friend to share the rest of your life with.
Let's all try to have a fearless heart. We only live once.
These women are a lot like me: strong, independent, successful, make good money in awesome careers, either own their own homes or live in apartments without the need for a roommate, and they do not have kids. Why aren't they with the love of their lives?
Something is wrong with this picture.
I feel guilty sometimes that I was lucky enough to have had Jeff and now I have Wyoming. Some of my girlfriends have not even had a Jeff and I've now had a Jeff and a Wyoming. How is that at all fair, Universe? I want my friends to find love, safety, comfort, and a best friend like I have.
I've been thinking about this a lot. I know there is no perfect person out there. I didn't even like Jeff when I first met him. I thought he was loud, boorish, and not at all very attractive. But through the 7 years we were in the same social circle, I slowly got to know his personality, heart, and soul and grew to love him unconditionally.
I read this article and it really shed some light on dating and finding real intimacy, which is the key to finding love. I realized that, unknowingly, I practiced the skills from this article with Jeff when we secretly started dating after 7 years of just being friends. We kept our dating a secret because we didn't want any outside interference from our friends, which I realize now was the best thing we could have ever done to build trust and intimacy.
I also noticed that I practice these skills with Wyoming as I am getting to know him through email, text messaging, over the phone, through FaceTime, and now in person. Distance definitely helped with some of these but I honestly believe that we are both in a place in our lives where we want to find an intimate connection, share our vulnerabilities, and find love. I know for sure distance has helped me with sharing my vulnerabilities enormously. I have been able to tell him things on the phone that I might not have been able to talk as openly about if we were in person. But once we finally did meet in person, all the intimacy and trust that was established over the phone, through texting, emailing and FaceTiming was apparent and everything felt natural and normal.
I do have to admit that I am still petrified of being hurt. I think I am more afraid of him leaving me without any choice on his or my part, just like Jeff. As I move forward with my relationship with Wyoming, I'm still afraid of that but I'm trying to not let that get in the way of being happy in the present moment. I'm trying to be like Wendy! In this blog post she discusses having a fearless heart.
Wyoming has been and continues to be very patient and understanding of my fears but if I hadn't been vulnerable and shared my fears with him, there could easily have been a miscommunication in that my fear could have been misconstrued and he might have thought I just wasn't that in to him.
In having conversations with my friends about their dating life, I have definitely noticed that they are not practicing a lot of the skills from the article, which might make more sense as to why they are still single. But, I also think a lot of the men they are dating are also not practicing the skills from the article. I don't think it's just one person's fault.
It's ok to be vulnerable. I know it's hard after losing the love of your life, you can't imagine going through that kind of pain again, but in holding back, all you're really doing is hurting yourself. It's a risk to put yourself out there, but if you don't, you may miss out on the next best thing to ever happen to you, which is finding your next partner and best friend to share the rest of your life with.
Let's all try to have a fearless heart. We only live once.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Friends
It's common knowledge that after the death of someone special, everybody suffers. We all talk about how much the widow suffers but many others are so very affected as well.
One of my best friends, who was also one of Jeff's best friends, has definitely changed. Right after Jeff died she was overly protective of me and I appreciated it. She wasn't afraid to be blunt and tell people what I really needed, which sometimes put her in the line of fire but she stood by me and shielded me.
But after those first couple months after Jeff died there was a strain in our friendship and I couldn't figure it out for a really long time. I spent entire sessions with my therapist talking about her. We had what I call a "come to Jesus meeting," finally where we hashed it out, we spoke our truths and just overall, communicated.
She had been pulling back from me because she was trying to protect me. She didn't want to talk about her dating life and the good things that were going on because she felt it wouldn't be fair to hurt me like that. She was trying to protect me from her when what she didn't realize is that she was only hurting me.
When I finally made it clear to her that hearing about others and their good times and happiness didn't make me sad, but that it was a reminder that everyone has ebbs and flows in their lives. Hearing about other people and the good things that are happening to them is a distraction for me and that I actually need to hear these good things because it reminds me that my life will one day be good again. She apologized and said she would try to include me and not be afraid to talk about the good things that were going on in her life, especially her dating life.
I also reminded her that she tells all of our other close friends about the good and bad in her life and when she leaves me out I feel isolated and alone. She was horrified at that and didn't even realize that her actions were making me feel that way.
I've heard that the way people respond to someone else in a traumatic situation could potentially be the way they would like others to respond to them if and when they ever go through their own traumatic experience.
Again, communication is so very important. We as widows and widowers need to communicate our needs and those who support us need to communicate their needs as well.
If you are noticing that relationships are strained, consider communicating what your needs are and gently explain that you are not feeling supported and you are struggling. I can almost guarantee that your friends and family have no idea that their actions, which I'm sure are trying to protect you in some way, are having the adverse effect.
Communication is the only way to truly feel supported and safe.
One of my best friends, who was also one of Jeff's best friends, has definitely changed. Right after Jeff died she was overly protective of me and I appreciated it. She wasn't afraid to be blunt and tell people what I really needed, which sometimes put her in the line of fire but she stood by me and shielded me.
But after those first couple months after Jeff died there was a strain in our friendship and I couldn't figure it out for a really long time. I spent entire sessions with my therapist talking about her. We had what I call a "come to Jesus meeting," finally where we hashed it out, we spoke our truths and just overall, communicated.
She had been pulling back from me because she was trying to protect me. She didn't want to talk about her dating life and the good things that were going on because she felt it wouldn't be fair to hurt me like that. She was trying to protect me from her when what she didn't realize is that she was only hurting me.
When I finally made it clear to her that hearing about others and their good times and happiness didn't make me sad, but that it was a reminder that everyone has ebbs and flows in their lives. Hearing about other people and the good things that are happening to them is a distraction for me and that I actually need to hear these good things because it reminds me that my life will one day be good again. She apologized and said she would try to include me and not be afraid to talk about the good things that were going on in her life, especially her dating life.
I also reminded her that she tells all of our other close friends about the good and bad in her life and when she leaves me out I feel isolated and alone. She was horrified at that and didn't even realize that her actions were making me feel that way.
I've heard that the way people respond to someone else in a traumatic situation could potentially be the way they would like others to respond to them if and when they ever go through their own traumatic experience.
Again, communication is so very important. We as widows and widowers need to communicate our needs and those who support us need to communicate their needs as well.
If you are noticing that relationships are strained, consider communicating what your needs are and gently explain that you are not feeling supported and you are struggling. I can almost guarantee that your friends and family have no idea that their actions, which I'm sure are trying to protect you in some way, are having the adverse effect.
Communication is the only way to truly feel supported and safe.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Real Housewives
On the reality show "The Real Housewives of New York" there happens to be two widows. Carole Radziwell was married to Anthony Radziwell who died in 1999. Dorinda Medley was married to Richard Medley who died in 2011.
I recently watched an episode where Carole needed to go to London to pick up her husband's ashes. Dorinda accompanied her to London.
There were a couple of things both women discussed while on this trip that hit really close to home for me.
Dorinda said that taking care of Richard wasn't a burden, it was an honor.
I can't agree more with this statement. Both Dorinda and Carole talked about how the night after their husbands died was the first night that they actually slept. Dorinda said that people don't sleep when someone is dying because they never know what could happen, whether that was needing to go to the ER or their husbands potentially dying when they weren't there or any other anxiety ridden scenario that could happen when you know someone is dying.
I related so much to this statement mainly because I remember this level of anxiety and being the person that was responsible to make the big decisions. But even though I was under all of that stress and anxiety, taking care of Jeff was definitely an honor and I would have done it until the end of time if needed. He was worth all of that stress and anxiety because he was my best friend and the love of my life. Taking care of Jeff was never a burden, it was an honor.
Carole said that her husband was a big part of her life. Maybe not in number of years but in her soul and in her heart.
This is a huge statement for me right now in my grieving process. I bought my spot next to Jeff at the cemetery at the same time I bought his. I remember people telling me that it might not be such a good idea, mainly because I had so much life left to live and one day I might meet someone who I may spend more years with than I spent with Jeff. I understand that is a potential but time does not negate how important Jeff is in my life. He will always be a big part of my life because he is in my heart and soul and time could never change that.
Both of those statements from Dorinda and Carole remind me that I am not alone in my grief and guilt. Carole's husband has been gone for about 15 years and Dorinda's for less but, unfortunately, the widow's club is not something you can leave no matter how much time has passed.
Jeff died in 2013 so things are still a little sharp with me. Like Dorinda, there are still "firsts" that I need to experience that worry me, but like Dorinda and Carole, I will get though it and move forward.
One of the biggest things I took from what these women shared was when Dorinda said that there was a life before Richard, there was a wonderful life with Richard, and there's a beautiful life to be had without Richard. That is such a brave statement to make and I need to embrace it and live it myself.
I know I had a great life before Jeff. I also had a great life with Jeff. I now have to battle my guilt monster and have a great life without Jeff.
I so appreciate these women for being so brave and being such awesome role models for other widows. Talking about such a personal experience and journey takes a lot of courage and to do it on national television inspires me.
I recently watched an episode where Carole needed to go to London to pick up her husband's ashes. Dorinda accompanied her to London.
There were a couple of things both women discussed while on this trip that hit really close to home for me.
Dorinda said that taking care of Richard wasn't a burden, it was an honor.
I can't agree more with this statement. Both Dorinda and Carole talked about how the night after their husbands died was the first night that they actually slept. Dorinda said that people don't sleep when someone is dying because they never know what could happen, whether that was needing to go to the ER or their husbands potentially dying when they weren't there or any other anxiety ridden scenario that could happen when you know someone is dying.
I related so much to this statement mainly because I remember this level of anxiety and being the person that was responsible to make the big decisions. But even though I was under all of that stress and anxiety, taking care of Jeff was definitely an honor and I would have done it until the end of time if needed. He was worth all of that stress and anxiety because he was my best friend and the love of my life. Taking care of Jeff was never a burden, it was an honor.
Carole said that her husband was a big part of her life. Maybe not in number of years but in her soul and in her heart.
This is a huge statement for me right now in my grieving process. I bought my spot next to Jeff at the cemetery at the same time I bought his. I remember people telling me that it might not be such a good idea, mainly because I had so much life left to live and one day I might meet someone who I may spend more years with than I spent with Jeff. I understand that is a potential but time does not negate how important Jeff is in my life. He will always be a big part of my life because he is in my heart and soul and time could never change that.
Both of those statements from Dorinda and Carole remind me that I am not alone in my grief and guilt. Carole's husband has been gone for about 15 years and Dorinda's for less but, unfortunately, the widow's club is not something you can leave no matter how much time has passed.
Jeff died in 2013 so things are still a little sharp with me. Like Dorinda, there are still "firsts" that I need to experience that worry me, but like Dorinda and Carole, I will get though it and move forward.
One of the biggest things I took from what these women shared was when Dorinda said that there was a life before Richard, there was a wonderful life with Richard, and there's a beautiful life to be had without Richard. That is such a brave statement to make and I need to embrace it and live it myself.
I know I had a great life before Jeff. I also had a great life with Jeff. I now have to battle my guilt monster and have a great life without Jeff.
I so appreciate these women for being so brave and being such awesome role models for other widows. Talking about such a personal experience and journey takes a lot of courage and to do it on national television inspires me.
Friday, July 31, 2015
I Forgot to Count Somehow
This is the first time that I did not "count" this month. My friends actually had to remind me and I didn't know how to respond when it finally dawned on me that it was the 29th and I didn't realize it.
I am torn between feeling guilty and a little sense of relief that somehow the 29th this month escaped me.
Luckily I had therapy on the 30th, and I was able to discuss this in great length with my therapist. He reassured me that there was nothing to feel guilty about, that it is normal, that even though we sometimes fight it, life goes on and I need to continue to live. So that is what I'm trying to do.
But sometimes that guilt monster is an evil beast. But I am strong and I know that Jeff wants me to be happy.
I am torn between feeling guilty and a little sense of relief that somehow the 29th this month escaped me.
Luckily I had therapy on the 30th, and I was able to discuss this in great length with my therapist. He reassured me that there was nothing to feel guilty about, that it is normal, that even though we sometimes fight it, life goes on and I need to continue to live. So that is what I'm trying to do.
But sometimes that guilt monster is an evil beast. But I am strong and I know that Jeff wants me to be happy.
Monday, July 27, 2015
A Widow and Her Rings
Originally published April 23, 2015:
A widow and her wedding ring is a touchy subject. This is such a personal and individual decision. Every widow handles this differently and every widow deserves to be supported and respected in her decision.
Having said that, I am conflicted about my wedding ring.
I have, of course, read multiple blogs, pamphlets, all kinds of literature, and discussed this topic in my bereavement group and with my therapist.
I remember, after the first couple months in my bereavement group, a woman whose husband died from lung cancer about a month before Jeff talked about how she would never take off her ring. About 9 months later, she was no longer wearing her ring. Obviously, this was not an easy decision for her and I applaud her for growing and changing and not being afraid to move forward, we all know about my guilt monster with moving forward.
I wore Jeff's wedding ring on a necklace for about 13 months and then took it off. What made me decide to take it off? There were a couple of factors: Jeff's ring constantly got tangled with the heart pendant that Jeff had given me which I haven't taken off going on 9 years now. His ring would get knotted with the chain and other pendent multiple times a day. Since I'm a side sleeper, my necklace with the pendant and Jeff's ring, would practically choke me at night as I rolled over. His ring constantly ended up under my shoulder or behind me. I also just didn't feel...right (I guess that is the correct word to use) going out on dates with his ring around my neck. My first date that I went on was with the Apple Guy, I took Jeff's ring off of my necklace and put it in my safe. I haven't worn it since and I feel ok about it.
But my wedding ring is different. I have taken off my wedding ring all of three times so far. Twice on dates with the Apple Guy and on one other date. For some reason the other date I had, I kept my ring on. I'm sure the reason has to do more with how interested I am in these men. The more interest, the less likely I wear my ring, even though all of these men know that I am a widow.
But I've been thinking more and more about taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand. I have my tattoo on my left ring finger so I know I will always have "Jeff" on my left ring finger. I'm about to go on my 4th first date and I'm not quite sure how interested I am in this guy but I also am moving more toward taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand in general, not just for dates.
I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I guess not being sure is a sign that I'm not ready?
Update: About a week after I published this post, I took my ring off and put it in my safe.
A widow and her wedding ring is a touchy subject. This is such a personal and individual decision. Every widow handles this differently and every widow deserves to be supported and respected in her decision.
Having said that, I am conflicted about my wedding ring.
I have, of course, read multiple blogs, pamphlets, all kinds of literature, and discussed this topic in my bereavement group and with my therapist.
I remember, after the first couple months in my bereavement group, a woman whose husband died from lung cancer about a month before Jeff talked about how she would never take off her ring. About 9 months later, she was no longer wearing her ring. Obviously, this was not an easy decision for her and I applaud her for growing and changing and not being afraid to move forward, we all know about my guilt monster with moving forward.
I wore Jeff's wedding ring on a necklace for about 13 months and then took it off. What made me decide to take it off? There were a couple of factors: Jeff's ring constantly got tangled with the heart pendant that Jeff had given me which I haven't taken off going on 9 years now. His ring would get knotted with the chain and other pendent multiple times a day. Since I'm a side sleeper, my necklace with the pendant and Jeff's ring, would practically choke me at night as I rolled over. His ring constantly ended up under my shoulder or behind me. I also just didn't feel...right (I guess that is the correct word to use) going out on dates with his ring around my neck. My first date that I went on was with the Apple Guy, I took Jeff's ring off of my necklace and put it in my safe. I haven't worn it since and I feel ok about it.
But my wedding ring is different. I have taken off my wedding ring all of three times so far. Twice on dates with the Apple Guy and on one other date. For some reason the other date I had, I kept my ring on. I'm sure the reason has to do more with how interested I am in these men. The more interest, the less likely I wear my ring, even though all of these men know that I am a widow.
But I've been thinking more and more about taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand. I have my tattoo on my left ring finger so I know I will always have "Jeff" on my left ring finger. I'm about to go on my 4th first date and I'm not quite sure how interested I am in this guy but I also am moving more toward taking my ring off or switching it to my right hand in general, not just for dates.
I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I guess not being sure is a sign that I'm not ready?
Update: About a week after I published this post, I took my ring off and put it in my safe.
You Want to Come In?
The idea of bringing a "man" into my house used to scare me.
Not in the "I'm afraid of him" way but in the "this is where my husband died and how dare I disrespect him by bringing a man into the house where we made it a home together, came back from our honeymoon together, and where he died" way.
Now that I have Wyoming, I actually am not as scared. I started dating and finding "distractions" about 6 months ago and, like I said before, Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore. He is the first man that I would actually consider allowing into my home.
I am not so scared of bringing a man into my house anymore.
Not in the "I'm afraid of him" way but in the "this is where my husband died and how dare I disrespect him by bringing a man into the house where we made it a home together, came back from our honeymoon together, and where he died" way.
Now that I have Wyoming, I actually am not as scared. I started dating and finding "distractions" about 6 months ago and, like I said before, Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore. He is the first man that I would actually consider allowing into my home.
I am not so scared of bringing a man into my house anymore.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Family Vacations
I just got back from a vacation with my parents, my sister, her husband, and their twin 3 year old girls. It's hard to go on vacation with my family now. Before Jeff died, we went on a lot of family vacations, the 6 of us, before the twins were born and Jeff got sick.
I think this vacation was hard for a couple of reasons.
The most obvious reason was because the last time we were at this specific place on vacation was when we got a call from Jeff's doctor telling us some "nodules" in his lungs showed up on his CAT scan and we should come in as soon as possible. We drove straight to the hospital. Turns out those nodules were tumors, which was the beginning of all of the testing, which we all know led to his stage iv lung cancer diagnosis.
The other reason is, we always vacationed the 6 of us, which meant when the day was over, we would all retire to our bedrooms and I know Jeff and I would always discuss the day: the highs and lows, the hilarious and frustrating, just everything. Now, everybody retires to their bedrooms and I go to a room by myself and have nobody to discuss the day with. Needless to say, that's hard. I miss that.
I know my family misses him too, and I try very hard not to compare my grief to others, but, damn, is it hard. For the most part, I'm doing well, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me and slaps me right in the face.
I did go back to my room at night and secretly call Wyoming and share my day with him though, which made me feel good but also guilty at the same time. Stupid guilt monster.
Overall, it was a good trip. Well, at least in the fact that I overcame going back to a place that has so much negative sentimental value...I'm trying to remember that it's not the place that can make me feel sad, it's me.
It was time to make new memories of that specific place.
I think this vacation was hard for a couple of reasons.
The most obvious reason was because the last time we were at this specific place on vacation was when we got a call from Jeff's doctor telling us some "nodules" in his lungs showed up on his CAT scan and we should come in as soon as possible. We drove straight to the hospital. Turns out those nodules were tumors, which was the beginning of all of the testing, which we all know led to his stage iv lung cancer diagnosis.
The other reason is, we always vacationed the 6 of us, which meant when the day was over, we would all retire to our bedrooms and I know Jeff and I would always discuss the day: the highs and lows, the hilarious and frustrating, just everything. Now, everybody retires to their bedrooms and I go to a room by myself and have nobody to discuss the day with. Needless to say, that's hard. I miss that.
I know my family misses him too, and I try very hard not to compare my grief to others, but, damn, is it hard. For the most part, I'm doing well, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me and slaps me right in the face.
I did go back to my room at night and secretly call Wyoming and share my day with him though, which made me feel good but also guilty at the same time. Stupid guilt monster.
Overall, it was a good trip. Well, at least in the fact that I overcame going back to a place that has so much negative sentimental value...I'm trying to remember that it's not the place that can make me feel sad, it's me.
It was time to make new memories of that specific place.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Someone Very Special
After Jeff died, I just felt so off balance...not myself...making bad decisions and then doubting myself. That's not who I am. I know I need to deal with the pain of missing him, there is no escape or distraction from that, but that's what I've done this past year and a half is deal but then also distract. I allow myself the time to be sad and know that it's normal and necessary but I also look for distractions sometimes too because mourning is just so exhausting and I don't want to be sad all the time.
I'm sad that he's not here and the life I had with him, which I was so happy with, is gone. I not only mourn him but I mourn who I was with him and the life I had with him.
Nobody can ever replace him. I will always love him. If he hadn't died, I would be with him still, for the rest of my life. But we had no choice in that.
I also haven't let any of my "distractions" too far in. I'm good at dodging and weaving, escaping when things get too close to my heart. I'm good at pulling back, and I know it. Hence, why I haven't gone on a third date yet.
But since he's been gone, I also hoped and asked Jeff to send me someone who would make me feel the way he made me feel and I have connected with someone very special. Someone who makes me feel adored.
I'm almost weary of writing about him because I don't want to jinx it.
It has only been a short amount of time that I've been communicating with him but he has proven himself to be a steadfast and safe harbor for me in this raging storm of grief.
He lives in Wyoming and I met him via eHarmony.
I have already tried to sabotage myself and come up with reasons why I shouldn't trust him because of his muddied past but he has been patient and understanding. I opened up so quickly to him and this scares me enormously, because I lost the last person I felt so safe with and who was the most important person to me in the world, which neither one of us had any control over. I can't help but worry about losing again.
But as my new man says, we can either risk the chance of being hurt or we can run away and protect ourselves and potentially miss out on the one thing we've been looking for.
What I have noticed is that Wyoming is different than my other "distractions." I thought I liked Apple Guy, but Wyoming blows him out of the water! My rational brain keeps saying that our attraction with each other is because this is all so new, it's a passing fancy, that at some time we will get bored or overwhelmed or exhausted in the amount of time we spend thinking about each other and talking to each other, which is what happened with all of my other "distractions."
But then I remember that, it didn't fade too much with Jeff. Jeff and I knew within the first couple weeks that we loved each other and knew this was special and after 10 years, I still just wanted to hang out with him. We never ran out of things to talk about, we never got bored with each other, we spent time apart with our own separate interests and friends, but he was always the one I wanted to tell about my day and hear about his day.
When Jeff and I started dating, he still allowed me to feel strong and independent while I was with him. But he was also my rock, my shelter in the times that I needed strength and safety. This is how I feel about Wyoming. I get excited to hear his voice, to see his name and face pop up on my phone. I think about things that happen throughout my day that I can't wait to tell him and I want to know what his day is like and if he is safe.
These feelings have evolved so quickly and they remind me of my first few weeks with Jeff.
I'm noticing that Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore, he is turning into so much more than that. He really is so important to me. He is the only person I've met since my husband who I feel safe with. I talk to him about everything. He listens and asks questions about my life with Jeff. There are so few men out there with his confidence and strength and selflessness. He does not feel threatened by Jeff or my grief.
I have no idea what the future has in store. All I know is that, right now, this new man makes me feel...exquisite. He is the first man that makes me want to go on a third date.
I'm sad that he's not here and the life I had with him, which I was so happy with, is gone. I not only mourn him but I mourn who I was with him and the life I had with him.
Nobody can ever replace him. I will always love him. If he hadn't died, I would be with him still, for the rest of my life. But we had no choice in that.
I also haven't let any of my "distractions" too far in. I'm good at dodging and weaving, escaping when things get too close to my heart. I'm good at pulling back, and I know it. Hence, why I haven't gone on a third date yet.
But since he's been gone, I also hoped and asked Jeff to send me someone who would make me feel the way he made me feel and I have connected with someone very special. Someone who makes me feel adored.
I'm almost weary of writing about him because I don't want to jinx it.
It has only been a short amount of time that I've been communicating with him but he has proven himself to be a steadfast and safe harbor for me in this raging storm of grief.
He lives in Wyoming and I met him via eHarmony.
I have already tried to sabotage myself and come up with reasons why I shouldn't trust him because of his muddied past but he has been patient and understanding. I opened up so quickly to him and this scares me enormously, because I lost the last person I felt so safe with and who was the most important person to me in the world, which neither one of us had any control over. I can't help but worry about losing again.
But as my new man says, we can either risk the chance of being hurt or we can run away and protect ourselves and potentially miss out on the one thing we've been looking for.
What I have noticed is that Wyoming is different than my other "distractions." I thought I liked Apple Guy, but Wyoming blows him out of the water! My rational brain keeps saying that our attraction with each other is because this is all so new, it's a passing fancy, that at some time we will get bored or overwhelmed or exhausted in the amount of time we spend thinking about each other and talking to each other, which is what happened with all of my other "distractions."
But then I remember that, it didn't fade too much with Jeff. Jeff and I knew within the first couple weeks that we loved each other and knew this was special and after 10 years, I still just wanted to hang out with him. We never ran out of things to talk about, we never got bored with each other, we spent time apart with our own separate interests and friends, but he was always the one I wanted to tell about my day and hear about his day.
When Jeff and I started dating, he still allowed me to feel strong and independent while I was with him. But he was also my rock, my shelter in the times that I needed strength and safety. This is how I feel about Wyoming. I get excited to hear his voice, to see his name and face pop up on my phone. I think about things that happen throughout my day that I can't wait to tell him and I want to know what his day is like and if he is safe.
These feelings have evolved so quickly and they remind me of my first few weeks with Jeff.
I'm noticing that Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore, he is turning into so much more than that. He really is so important to me. He is the only person I've met since my husband who I feel safe with. I talk to him about everything. He listens and asks questions about my life with Jeff. There are so few men out there with his confidence and strength and selflessness. He does not feel threatened by Jeff or my grief.
I have no idea what the future has in store. All I know is that, right now, this new man makes me feel...exquisite. He is the first man that makes me want to go on a third date.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Eighteen Months
It's been a year and a half since Jeff died. I've read a lot of grief literature in a year and a half. I thought I would give a little snippet of some of the most memorable and meaningful literature I've read. I meant to give a pretty extensive review of these books but that was a little more than I could handle so you're getting a "snippet."
I really found Theresa Caputo's book There's More to Life Than This helpful. Some of my favorite messages and quotes are:
Widows Wear Stilettos by Carole Brody Fleet and Syd Harriet is mainly for young widows. It gives ideas and opportunities for journaling and also provides exercises to help deal with grief and move forward.
My bereavement group meetings would give out pamphlets and handouts as well. Not all of them related to me, but most of them did so that was also very helpful.
I also read quite a few widow blogs:
Hopefully this grief literature review helped. I know all this literature helped me!
I really found Theresa Caputo's book There's More to Life Than This helpful. Some of my favorite messages and quotes are:
- There is nothing you could have done to prevent their death.
- Your loved one wants you to embrace life without the burden of fear or death.
- I love the idea of a "soul circle." Right after I finished reading this book, I met up with a friend of mine who had stage iv breast cancer. She was in remission for a couple years and it came back right around the time Jeff was diagnosed. We had the same oncologist. I told her about getting tickets to go see Theresa Caputo and she asked me if I believed in that kind of stuff. I didn't know much about Theresa Caputo before I went to her show but I believe in the idea of energy. My friend is a physics teacher and I asked her about energy and the idea that energy doesn't just disappear it takes on another form. That's what I believe in. She has since passed away. I gave her this book about a month before she died. I hope she got a chance to read it and was able to take comfort in it.
Theresa Caputo's sequel You Can't Make This Stuff Up also had some quotes that helped me:
- When happy people can't change the event that makes them blue, they change the way they react to it.
- Spirit says you have to be happy with yourself, and if you let someone else make you feel bad, it's your own fault.
- I loved the line "there is absolutely no such thing as 'being prepared' for the loss of your husband."
- I also particularly loved the chapter on people who say the dumbest things. There were some real doozies: "You're too young to be a widow." No kidding like this was some kind of career choice I made! Another one: "You're young and pretty you'll find someone else." I don't want anyone else! I want my dead husband to not be dead!
- In one chapter she says that you should take the time to really feel. Make an appointment with yourself with no technology and some quiet time to feel the emotions of the day whether they are sad, grateful, happy, overwhelmed, whatever they may be.
- Don't put on a "mask" and hide or force emotions away because they will still be there wreaking havoc. I do this. Almost every night in the first year, I journal but in the form of "a letter to Jeff." I tell him all about my day and my hopes and fears just like I would talk to him at night. This was super helpful, especially in the first year. I haven't done it as often these last few months, but I still try and do it at least once a week. But I'm not feeling guilty about not writing every night, I attribute it to the passage of time and moving forward. I've noticed I tell other people about my hopes and fears and my day now...
- Another chapter is about dating. I like the idea of after the first date/dates you go on after your husband has died, the guilt that follows is called "cheating twinges." I feel like I had cheating twinges when I first started dating 5 months ago. Those have been dissipating but I also attribute that to the passage of time, "practice," and trying to move forward.
- The part where she said you might feel anger towards your departed husband after an especially bad date was hilarious. She says more than likely your husband is probably laughing since he is watching closely. I totally agree with this. I feel like Jeff is definitely watching and I'm sure he's laughing a lot, not only at what I do on dates but what I do in general! Also, he's laughing and shaking his head at what my friends and I get into!
The Death of a Husband: Reflections for a Grieving Wife by Helen Reichert Lambin is mainly poems about widows' grief. Some are very sad and it's painful to read them, especially if you are trying to be happy. There are a couple that made me smile and a couple that I related to but, overall, not many were my cup of tea. Here are the titles of the few I liked:
- "The Unset Clock and the Wound Up Dog"
- "Party"
- "Complaint Department"
- "Ordinary Time"
Some quotes from Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg were:
- Saturday nights were worse than other nights. I found that nights in general were painful though.
- True widows are impossible to please; they are offended when not invited and decline when they are. Every widow understands that conflict. Why can't their friends and family?
- With families, each relationship has individually changed and has had a rippling affect with no beginning and no set ending. What has happened, first of all, is that you have changed. You are more vulnerable, more sensitive, more confused, more angry, and more afraid to name a few of your new unwanted acquisitions.
- The days prior to an actual date, like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or any other special date, were more difficult than the actual date itself. I definitely experienced this. I would worry and fret the days up to the actual special day the first year, but then when the day itself got there, I was fine. I'm noticing that in the second year, since the "firsts" are all over, I'm not planning so sometimes those days sneak up on me so the day itself can sometimes be really hard now. I know with time and "practice," it will get better.
What Remains by Carole Radziwell was a really good read. This is her memoir so it's got a lot about her life in general but the quotes I really liked that I could relate to regarding grief and cancer were:
- "We have cancer. We need a biopsy. We are researching treatment options." The idea that it wasn't his cancer but our cancer is something I definitely related to. I never said Jeff's oncologist, I said our oncologist.
- "I will have to take control, because I am his wife now. It's my job"
- "I had been hoping that someone would step in at some point and grab the wheel. I was waiting for someone to recognize how unsuited I was and take it away. It was a desperate and lonely feeling to realize that it was more or less up to me."
- A New Normal: Learning to Live with Grief and Loss by Darlene F. Cross
- Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman
- Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber
- Let Me Grieve But Not Forever: A Journey Out of the Darkness of Loss by Verdell Davis
- help me live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know by Lori Hope. This book is phenomenal! I recommend it for everyone who is dealing in any way with cancer or chronic illness in general. Helpful is not a good enough word to describe this book.
- When the Man You Love Is Ill: Doing Your Best for Your Partner Without Losing Yourself by Dr. Dorree Lynn and Florence Isaacs
- How to Cope Better When Someone You Love Has Cancer by William Penzer
My bereavement group meetings would give out pamphlets and handouts as well. Not all of them related to me, but most of them did so that was also very helpful.
I also read quite a few widow blogs:
- My absolute favorite is "Young, Widowed & Rebuilding." I just related to Wendy so much and I've noticed that our journey has been similar, she's just years ahead of me.
- Another one that really helped me is "Good Grief: A Young Widow's Journey." I just loved Noel's voice and her personality in general.
Hopefully this grief literature review helped. I know all this literature helped me!
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
New Experiences and Mixed Feelings
I am living my life and having fun, new experiences. Experiences that I am grateful for and would probably never have had if Jeff was still here with me.
I feel guilty about that.
It's hard to think about what I would not have experienced if my husband was still alive and I have mixed emotions about that. These new experiences are shaping who I am but I'm only having them because my husband is dead. Talk about a mind trip.
Then I start thinking about the experiences this last year and a half that I would have had with him that I will never get the chance to have...like having a baby.
If he hadn't gotten cancer and died, we would probably have a baby right now.
We never really discussed it in concrete details. It was more of an assumption and a maybe. But I was secretly preparing without telling him. I bought What to Expect Before You're Expecting and I had started taking folic acid. When I bought my new car, I thought about buying a "family" car. I thought about which room in the house would be the nursery. I had built-ins put in thinking about how useful they would be in that room once the baby was here. I was thinking of names.
All of this was in my own head. I never shared it with him because I wasn't quite sure I was even ready for a baby.
Then, when he was diagnosed, we actually talked about how the pressure to have a baby was off of us because we needed to focus on fighting and ultimately beating the cancer. I was actually relieved that this pressure to have a baby had evaporated, which wasn't fake. I really was relieved, almost like I dodged a bullet. The mixed feelings I have thinking back on all this...
I think back to all the times people have asked me about babies and how I feel about not having one with Jeff and I always talk about how we never really wanted babies, which is the truth. We weren't dying to have them. Babies just weren't something that either of us really, really wanted. Babies were one of those things that were just supposed to happen to us, an expectation.
But, even though I really did feel that way, I was actually secretly planning on having one with him. I'm not sure which is the lie...I think both have aspects of the truth.
Now, I'm so glad we didn't get pregnant. I am so relieved that we didn't have a baby, because I would be raising a baby by myself and that baby would never know his/her father. But that also makes me feel guilty. So many mixed feelings.
I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant, I would never have regretted it, my life would just be so different than it is now. I would still be having new experiences but totally different experiences and I would be sharing them with Jeff.
It's such a weird dichotomy to be happy and sad at the same time.
I feel guilty about that.
It's hard to think about what I would not have experienced if my husband was still alive and I have mixed emotions about that. These new experiences are shaping who I am but I'm only having them because my husband is dead. Talk about a mind trip.
Then I start thinking about the experiences this last year and a half that I would have had with him that I will never get the chance to have...like having a baby.
If he hadn't gotten cancer and died, we would probably have a baby right now.
We never really discussed it in concrete details. It was more of an assumption and a maybe. But I was secretly preparing without telling him. I bought What to Expect Before You're Expecting and I had started taking folic acid. When I bought my new car, I thought about buying a "family" car. I thought about which room in the house would be the nursery. I had built-ins put in thinking about how useful they would be in that room once the baby was here. I was thinking of names.
All of this was in my own head. I never shared it with him because I wasn't quite sure I was even ready for a baby.
Then, when he was diagnosed, we actually talked about how the pressure to have a baby was off of us because we needed to focus on fighting and ultimately beating the cancer. I was actually relieved that this pressure to have a baby had evaporated, which wasn't fake. I really was relieved, almost like I dodged a bullet. The mixed feelings I have thinking back on all this...
I think back to all the times people have asked me about babies and how I feel about not having one with Jeff and I always talk about how we never really wanted babies, which is the truth. We weren't dying to have them. Babies just weren't something that either of us really, really wanted. Babies were one of those things that were just supposed to happen to us, an expectation.
But, even though I really did feel that way, I was actually secretly planning on having one with him. I'm not sure which is the lie...I think both have aspects of the truth.
Now, I'm so glad we didn't get pregnant. I am so relieved that we didn't have a baby, because I would be raising a baby by myself and that baby would never know his/her father. But that also makes me feel guilty. So many mixed feelings.
I'm sure if I had gotten pregnant, I would never have regretted it, my life would just be so different than it is now. I would still be having new experiences but totally different experiences and I would be sharing them with Jeff.
It's such a weird dichotomy to be happy and sad at the same time.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Sheryl Sandberg
Sheryl Sandburg posted this on her facebook page. I cried reading it...it brought me right back to when Jeff died.
Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse. A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do. I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well. But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning. And this is why I am writing: to mark the end of sheloshim and to give back some of what others have given to me. While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy. I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser. I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. She has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine. She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my children’s, and I understood that she was right as I saw the pain in her own eyes. I have learned that I never really knew what to say to others in need. I think I got this all wrong before; I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not. When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. Even a simple “How are you?”—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with “How are you today?” When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day. I have learned some practical stuff that matters. Although we now know that Dave died immediately, I didn’t know that in the ambulance. The trip to the hospital was unbearably slow. I still hate every car that did not move to the side, every person who cared more about arriving at their destination a few minutes earlier than making room for us to pass. I have noticed this while driving in many countries and cities. Let’s all move out of the way. Someone’s parent or partner or child might depend on it. I have learned how ephemeral everything can feel—and maybe everything is. That whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning. In the last thirty days, I have heard from too many women who lost a spouse and then had multiple rugs pulled out from under them. Some lack support networks and struggle alone as they face emotional distress and financial insecurity. It seems so wrong to me that we abandon these women and their families when they are in greatest need. I have learned to ask for help—and I have learned how much help I need. Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything. Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children. I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalization—realizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word “sorry.” To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanence—remembering that I won’t feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasiveness—this does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy. For me, starting the transition back to work has been a savior, a chance to feel useful and connected. But I quickly discovered that even those connections had changed. Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why—they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say? I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing. One of my favorite cartoons of all time has an elephant in a room answering the phone, saying, “It’s the elephant.” Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room. At the same time, there are moments when I can’t let people in. I went to Portfolio Night at school where kids show their parents around the classroom to look at their work hung on the walls. So many of the parents—all of whom have been so kind—tried to make eye contact or say something they thought would be comforting. I looked down the entire time so no one could catch my eye for fear of breaking down. I hope they understood. I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted before—like life. As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted. When a friend told me that he hates birthdays and so he was not celebrating his, I looked at him and said through tears, “Celebrate your birthday, goddammit. You are lucky to have each one.” My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before. I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy. A colleague told me that his wife, whom I have never met, decided to show her support by going back to school to get her degree—something she had been putting off for years. Yes! When the circumstances allow, I believe as much as ever in leaning in. And so many men—from those I know well to those I will likely never know—are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families. I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds. I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.
Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse. A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do. I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well. But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning. And this is why I am writing: to mark the end of sheloshim and to give back some of what others have given to me. While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy. I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser. I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. She has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine. She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my children’s, and I understood that she was right as I saw the pain in her own eyes. I have learned that I never really knew what to say to others in need. I think I got this all wrong before; I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not. When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. Even a simple “How are you?”—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with “How are you today?” When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day. I have learned some practical stuff that matters. Although we now know that Dave died immediately, I didn’t know that in the ambulance. The trip to the hospital was unbearably slow. I still hate every car that did not move to the side, every person who cared more about arriving at their destination a few minutes earlier than making room for us to pass. I have noticed this while driving in many countries and cities. Let’s all move out of the way. Someone’s parent or partner or child might depend on it. I have learned how ephemeral everything can feel—and maybe everything is. That whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning. In the last thirty days, I have heard from too many women who lost a spouse and then had multiple rugs pulled out from under them. Some lack support networks and struggle alone as they face emotional distress and financial insecurity. It seems so wrong to me that we abandon these women and their families when they are in greatest need. I have learned to ask for help—and I have learned how much help I need. Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything. Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children. I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalization—realizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word “sorry.” To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanence—remembering that I won’t feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasiveness—this does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy. For me, starting the transition back to work has been a savior, a chance to feel useful and connected. But I quickly discovered that even those connections had changed. Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why—they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say? I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing. One of my favorite cartoons of all time has an elephant in a room answering the phone, saying, “It’s the elephant.” Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room. At the same time, there are moments when I can’t let people in. I went to Portfolio Night at school where kids show their parents around the classroom to look at their work hung on the walls. So many of the parents—all of whom have been so kind—tried to make eye contact or say something they thought would be comforting. I looked down the entire time so no one could catch my eye for fear of breaking down. I hope they understood. I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted before—like life. As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted. When a friend told me that he hates birthdays and so he was not celebrating his, I looked at him and said through tears, “Celebrate your birthday, goddammit. You are lucky to have each one.” My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before. I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy. A colleague told me that his wife, whom I have never met, decided to show her support by going back to school to get her degree—something she had been putting off for years. Yes! When the circumstances allow, I believe as much as ever in leaning in. And so many men—from those I know well to those I will likely never know—are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families. I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds. I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Seventeen Months
It's the end of the school year. This is one of the most stressful times of the year for teachers. We are tired and overworked and for some reason, parents and students are just now recognizing grades and demanding that they be allowed to do anything and everything to improve those grades.
This is also the time of year where we see the end in sight. This is when Jeff and I would be planning something fun. He would usually take a week off of work while I was on summer break and we would usually start planning all of the fantastic places we would be eating, since our lives focused mainly on food and enjoying it together.
I am happy for the summer to come but it also makes me a little sad that I will not have him to share it with.
I hope he approves of all of the changes I have made this year without him.
I hope he is with me in both my good moments and bad.
I hope he is happy and pain free.
And most of all, I hope he knows that I love him dearly and always will.
This is also the time of year where we see the end in sight. This is when Jeff and I would be planning something fun. He would usually take a week off of work while I was on summer break and we would usually start planning all of the fantastic places we would be eating, since our lives focused mainly on food and enjoying it together.
I am happy for the summer to come but it also makes me a little sad that I will not have him to share it with.
I hope he approves of all of the changes I have made this year without him.
I hope he is with me in both my good moments and bad.
I hope he is happy and pain free.
And most of all, I hope he knows that I love him dearly and always will.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Expectations and Disappointment
Expectation is defined as:
Disappointment is defined as:
Here's the problem with having high expectations; you will inevitably be disappointed. I've been struggling with the idea of having high expectations for and in my life and then being utterly disappointed sometimes.
This is something that I've thought about a lot this past week or so. When I'm feeling down because I've been disappointed, I think that I should lower my expectations or have no expectations at all, which would then lesson the disappointment I feel when my expectations are not met.
But then I always go back to what my life would be like if I didn't have high expectations:
Would I have gotten my masters degree and be in a fantastic career and my dream school if I had little or no expectations?
Would I have gone out on my own and bought my own home in a fantastic neighborhood if I had low or no expectations?
Would I be with a loser of a man who may have lived longer than Jeff but would have never made me as happy as Jeff did, even in the short amount of time I had with him, if I didn't have high expectations?
So even with all of the disappointment I feel sometimes when my high expectations for others, myself, and my life are not met, I still feel it's a better way to live than having low or no expectations. With the lows, I also experience the highs when my expectations are met.
Looking back, I'm glad I have had high expectations in my life and, looking forward, even with the inevitable disappointment looming, I will continue to have high expectations.
1. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of
2. To consider as reasonable, due, or justifiedDisappointment is defined as:
1. To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of.
2. To frustrate or thwartHere's the problem with having high expectations; you will inevitably be disappointed. I've been struggling with the idea of having high expectations for and in my life and then being utterly disappointed sometimes.
This is something that I've thought about a lot this past week or so. When I'm feeling down because I've been disappointed, I think that I should lower my expectations or have no expectations at all, which would then lesson the disappointment I feel when my expectations are not met.
But then I always go back to what my life would be like if I didn't have high expectations:
Would I have gotten my masters degree and be in a fantastic career and my dream school if I had little or no expectations?
Would I have gone out on my own and bought my own home in a fantastic neighborhood if I had low or no expectations?
Would I be with a loser of a man who may have lived longer than Jeff but would have never made me as happy as Jeff did, even in the short amount of time I had with him, if I didn't have high expectations?
So even with all of the disappointment I feel sometimes when my high expectations for others, myself, and my life are not met, I still feel it's a better way to live than having low or no expectations. With the lows, I also experience the highs when my expectations are met.
Looking back, I'm glad I have had high expectations in my life and, looking forward, even with the inevitable disappointment looming, I will continue to have high expectations.
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