It has been seven months today since Jeff died. Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday and other times I can't believe that I've made it this far, that I've managed to continue moving and breathing without him.
The last present Jeff got me was a new IPhone. It was supposed to be a Christmas present but I couldn't wait so he got it for me in early November. Looking back, I'm glad he did because he went into the hospital about a week before Christmas and he had a moment of panic because he said that he didn't get anything for me for Christmas. I reminded him about the IPhone and he visibly relaxed. He died December 29th.
The only problem with having the new phone was that I don't have very many text messages from him. What's even worse is that I only have one voicemail. The text messages weren't very happy ones either since we found out and were treating the brain mets around Thanksgiving and he wasn't feeling very well.
Earlier this month I had a moment of panic because I felt like I couldn't quite remember his voice, his persona, his personality. I felt like I couldn't feel him around anymore and that was the worst feeling. Since my new IPhone doesn't have very many text messages I found my old IPhone and charged it and was able to look back at our text messages all the way back to 2011. Reading those text messages between us filled me with a lot of different emotions. I felt happy, nostalgic, sad, awestruck, and a great amount of love. Overall though, I felt happy and loved.
The texts he sent me were so awesome. Most of them were about everyday things, usually revolving around what we were going to eat for dinner, but they were just so hilarious because he was so hilarious. He had such a strong personality and reading through all of those text messages took me a couple hours, but for those couple hours, I felt like he was back by my side. I could feel him around me again. I could HEAR him in those text messages. It brought me back to his love, especially the ones from 2011 and most of 2012 before he was diagnosed and when we were so carefree and light, from being newly engaged in 2011 and then the first months of marriage in 2012. The love between us was palpable. It was so strong and I could FEEL it reading those text messages.
Some people would avoid those kinds of feelings because it makes them sad. Everybody deals with grief differently. I'm going to be honest, I was a little sad, but it brought me back to being so very grateful; grateful that he chose me and loved me, grateful that I got to be the most important person in his life, grateful that I experienced him. It reminded me of Rihanna's song "Only Girl." My favorite lyrics are the chorus, "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, like I'm the only one that you'll ever love, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only girl in the world..." Jeff made me feel this way.
Even after these seven months without him, I still feel so lucky that his last ten years were spent with me, that I really did make him happy and that he made me happy, that we were so hilarious together, that our love really was so strong. So many people never allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to allow such love in their lives, to love and be loved.
Even if I never have a love like that again, I'm still grateful to have had it with him, that he made me feel like I was the only girl in his world.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
So Much Judgement
There are two schools of thought regarding widows and dating again. Either they move on too soon or not soon enough.
Some people judge a widow for not moving on soon enough. The "it's been [however much time they think is appropriate], you really need to move on" and the "I can't believe you're still so sad after all this time has passed, you really need to get over it and start living again" comments begin.
Then there are those who judge a widow or widower for getting into a relationship "too early." This is interesting because "too early" for some is not the same for others. Some people say it varies whether or not the widowed is young or old. Again, I feel that one person's idea of "young or old" is different from another person's idea.
I also read that it is tempting for a widowed person to try and "fill the gap of loneliness" by getting involved with another person as soon as possible and this involvement often does not result in more happiness, but in greater sadness. It supposedly delays the grieving process. I think that this could also vary.
There are just too many variables when it comes to passing judgment on the widowed. All I know is my own experience, which is similar yet so different from other's experiences, because of all of the variables.
I think a widowed person is so completely brave to move on just a couple of months after losing their spouse. To take that leap of faith and to love so much again and risk the chance that something could happen to take away that great love is just so scary to me.
All I know is that there is a huge void that was left when Jeff died that I would desperately like to fill. If the right person was to come along and I felt they could attempt to fill even a fraction of the void left by Jeff, I would hope that I would be brave enough and see that as an opportunity to take that chance instead of allowing the judgment of others to prevent me from feeling happy.
Just because a widowed person starts dating does not in any way mean that they no longer think of their dead spouse anymore. It does not mean they are trying to replace their dead spouse. It does not mean that they didn't love their dead spouse and continue to love their dead spouse and wish frequently to have one more day with their dead spouse. All it means is that they are trying to be happy. And if a person does or doesn't choose to move on, that is their choice, that is what they need to do for themselves. They are on their own timeline, not anybody else's timeline.
Non-widowed people struggle in their daily lives and are not as harshly judged when they attempt to get into a relationship with someone they think might make them happy. Why are the widowed judged just because they are widowed? The widowed have already experienced the world not being fair to them, it's a further injustice to judge them.
Some people judge a widow for not moving on soon enough. The "it's been [however much time they think is appropriate], you really need to move on" and the "I can't believe you're still so sad after all this time has passed, you really need to get over it and start living again" comments begin.
Then there are those who judge a widow or widower for getting into a relationship "too early." This is interesting because "too early" for some is not the same for others. Some people say it varies whether or not the widowed is young or old. Again, I feel that one person's idea of "young or old" is different from another person's idea.
I also read that it is tempting for a widowed person to try and "fill the gap of loneliness" by getting involved with another person as soon as possible and this involvement often does not result in more happiness, but in greater sadness. It supposedly delays the grieving process. I think that this could also vary.
There are just too many variables when it comes to passing judgment on the widowed. All I know is my own experience, which is similar yet so different from other's experiences, because of all of the variables.
I think a widowed person is so completely brave to move on just a couple of months after losing their spouse. To take that leap of faith and to love so much again and risk the chance that something could happen to take away that great love is just so scary to me.
All I know is that there is a huge void that was left when Jeff died that I would desperately like to fill. If the right person was to come along and I felt they could attempt to fill even a fraction of the void left by Jeff, I would hope that I would be brave enough and see that as an opportunity to take that chance instead of allowing the judgment of others to prevent me from feeling happy.
Just because a widowed person starts dating does not in any way mean that they no longer think of their dead spouse anymore. It does not mean they are trying to replace their dead spouse. It does not mean that they didn't love their dead spouse and continue to love their dead spouse and wish frequently to have one more day with their dead spouse. All it means is that they are trying to be happy. And if a person does or doesn't choose to move on, that is their choice, that is what they need to do for themselves. They are on their own timeline, not anybody else's timeline.
Non-widowed people struggle in their daily lives and are not as harshly judged when they attempt to get into a relationship with someone they think might make them happy. Why are the widowed judged just because they are widowed? The widowed have already experienced the world not being fair to them, it's a further injustice to judge them.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Good Moments Should Not Include Guilt
Every human being has good days and bad days. New widows tend to have more good or bad moments rather than whole days. There are moments where I catch myself truly smiling and singing along to the radio in the car, perfectly content. I relish those moments. But then there's the guilt that follows.
Some widows I've talked with discussed the guilt that is associated with having a good moment and being truly happy. I'm trying very hard not to feel guilty when I am having a good moment. Jeff would not want me to feel guilty. Jeff would not want me to feel sad. Jeff would want me to be happy. I know all of these as facts but sometimes the guilt and emotion of him not being here anymore outweighs the logic. When the guilty feeling starts to overtake the good moment, I try to remember that my husband truly loved me and only wanted me to be happy. He especially never wanted me to be in any pain that was caused by him. It would make him feel terrible.
When I'm having a good moment, I'm trying to remember that good moments should not include guilt.
Some widows I've talked with discussed the guilt that is associated with having a good moment and being truly happy. I'm trying very hard not to feel guilty when I am having a good moment. Jeff would not want me to feel guilty. Jeff would not want me to feel sad. Jeff would want me to be happy. I know all of these as facts but sometimes the guilt and emotion of him not being here anymore outweighs the logic. When the guilty feeling starts to overtake the good moment, I try to remember that my husband truly loved me and only wanted me to be happy. He especially never wanted me to be in any pain that was caused by him. It would make him feel terrible.
When I'm having a good moment, I'm trying to remember that good moments should not include guilt.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Widows Get Horny Too
Now this might be one of the most embarrassing things to talk about as a widow. Widows get horny too. Not all widows but some, more than people might think. I NEVER thought that I would be a horny widow just a few months into widowhood, but I am and I have made myself feel guilty about it for far too long.
I finally started talking about it with trusted close friends and my therapist and found out it was perfectly normal to be horny. When you had a regular sex life for ten years and then go months without any kind of affection, these feelings can creep up for some people.
So I decided to do a little experiment. I wanted to see if I really would do anything about being horny. I have read about many widows and widowers who started dating very soon after the death of their spouse. It didn't mean that they didn't love their spouse or wasn't still mourning their spouse, it just meant they had needs that needed to be met, itches that needed to be scratched, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the widow/widower was aware of their behavior and was not trying to cover up or deny their feelings and thus not delaying or halting the grieving process.
So I went out with a group of my single girlfriends for a night out on the town. We went out for happy hour first, then caught a comedy show and proceeded to bar hop the rest of the night before going back to our hotel room. I had a great time. I had such a great time that I paid for that great time for the next day and a half. I am not in my twenties anymore, I realized that I cannot recover from a night of drinking and dancing like I did in my twenties and for some reason, hangovers really do just hang over you for way too long.
But I did realize something else important after that night of fun, other than the fact that I cannot party like I'm still in my twenties. What I realized is that I do not want just sex. I'm not horny for sex. I'm horny for intimacy. I danced and had great conversation with one guy in particular, but I just couldn't get past the platonic feeling. I enjoyed spending time with him but there was no excitement, no rush, no feeling of wanting him to touch me or kiss me and when he did try and kiss me I shied away and then proceeded to show him my wedding ring that is still on my left ring finger as well as Jeff's wedding ring on my necklace, and then also tell him all about Jeff dying. Talk about a buzz kill for that poor guy. But he was really sweet and listened and commented appropriately and wished me luck.
So now I know I don't want just sex, or even kissing or cuddling with just anyone. My physical body does have needs but I know that my mental and emotional being wants intimacy. I've found I'm horny for emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy.
I really find it terrible that widow's and widower's get judged so harshly for their behavior after the death of their spouse. Either they get judged because they "get over it" too quickly and date or remarry or they do not "get over it" quickly enough and stay single and have no interest to mingle.
Please do not judge a widow or widower. We are trying to navigate our own emotions and lives through this stressful and new situation we have found ourselves in. All we need is support and someone to listen to us, not someone to fix us or tell us what we should or should not be doing. We already experience enough guilt, we should not have to experience shame and judgment from others as well.
If someone close to you is a widow and they are or are not horny for physical or emotional intimacy, then please just give them your support and know that they are struggling every day to try and make sense of it all, that they may falter and need even more support, and especially that you make it clear that you are not judging them.
I finally started talking about it with trusted close friends and my therapist and found out it was perfectly normal to be horny. When you had a regular sex life for ten years and then go months without any kind of affection, these feelings can creep up for some people.
So I decided to do a little experiment. I wanted to see if I really would do anything about being horny. I have read about many widows and widowers who started dating very soon after the death of their spouse. It didn't mean that they didn't love their spouse or wasn't still mourning their spouse, it just meant they had needs that needed to be met, itches that needed to be scratched, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the widow/widower was aware of their behavior and was not trying to cover up or deny their feelings and thus not delaying or halting the grieving process.
So I went out with a group of my single girlfriends for a night out on the town. We went out for happy hour first, then caught a comedy show and proceeded to bar hop the rest of the night before going back to our hotel room. I had a great time. I had such a great time that I paid for that great time for the next day and a half. I am not in my twenties anymore, I realized that I cannot recover from a night of drinking and dancing like I did in my twenties and for some reason, hangovers really do just hang over you for way too long.
But I did realize something else important after that night of fun, other than the fact that I cannot party like I'm still in my twenties. What I realized is that I do not want just sex. I'm not horny for sex. I'm horny for intimacy. I danced and had great conversation with one guy in particular, but I just couldn't get past the platonic feeling. I enjoyed spending time with him but there was no excitement, no rush, no feeling of wanting him to touch me or kiss me and when he did try and kiss me I shied away and then proceeded to show him my wedding ring that is still on my left ring finger as well as Jeff's wedding ring on my necklace, and then also tell him all about Jeff dying. Talk about a buzz kill for that poor guy. But he was really sweet and listened and commented appropriately and wished me luck.
So now I know I don't want just sex, or even kissing or cuddling with just anyone. My physical body does have needs but I know that my mental and emotional being wants intimacy. I've found I'm horny for emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy.
I really find it terrible that widow's and widower's get judged so harshly for their behavior after the death of their spouse. Either they get judged because they "get over it" too quickly and date or remarry or they do not "get over it" quickly enough and stay single and have no interest to mingle.
Please do not judge a widow or widower. We are trying to navigate our own emotions and lives through this stressful and new situation we have found ourselves in. All we need is support and someone to listen to us, not someone to fix us or tell us what we should or should not be doing. We already experience enough guilt, we should not have to experience shame and judgment from others as well.
If someone close to you is a widow and they are or are not horny for physical or emotional intimacy, then please just give them your support and know that they are struggling every day to try and make sense of it all, that they may falter and need even more support, and especially that you make it clear that you are not judging them.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Trauma Island
I just got back from a weeklong stay in the Caribbean. I was fortunate enough to go with four of my best girlfriends to an island I dubbed Trauma Island.
I call it Trauma Island because about five years ago, one of my girlfriends broke off her engagement a few weeks before her wedding and the only thing she couldn't get a refund on was her honeymoon. The bridesmaids talked her into still going and we ended up having a pretty good time. We joked back then that it was very "Sex in the City" of us. You know, the movie where Carrie doesn't get married and all the girls go with her on her non-honeymoon.
Of course, my friend was struggling at the time but we tried our best to cheer her up and if you can't find happiness on a beautiful white sand beach with a beverage in your hand, then things are really bad. She had her moments but overall she had some time away to start healing.
When Jeff died, people said I should go away on a trip to help me heal. I couldn't imagine going somewhere new and making new memories and always knowing that these memories and this trip and these souvenirs are all because my husband died. So I got in my head that I should go to a place I had been before because the memories of that place would be blurred with the previous trip. I didn't want to go to a place that I had been to with Jeff though. And then, Trauma Island came to mind. I broached the idea to my girlfriends and they all thought it was perfect. We ended up booking the same exact hotel we stayed in before and it just felt right.
I laid on a beach for six days. I had my moments, but overall it was just what the doctor ordered. Just getting away from it all for a while helped me truly relax. We ended up meeting some locals and one of them had lost his wife to breast cancer five years ago. After five days of running into them and chatting and them knowing why we were really there, they offered to cook us a real Caribbean meal. How could we turn that down? I was able to chat with the widower and he gave me some good advice.
There is something about meeting a fellow widow/widower and sharing experiences that just makes me feel understood. There is an unspoken, immediate connection, especially meeting a fellow widow/widower who has lost their spouse to cancer. Even in one of the most beautiful settings in the world, cancer seems to find a way to ruin lives. I really hate cancer for making, not only me, but others, widows/widowers.
On the way back home we had a 24 hour layover in New York. We chose to go to the World Trade Center Memorial and boy did that really put things in perspective for me. So many people lost on that tragic day. But sometimes, if you look at something in the right light and angle, you can see the beauty that still exists in such darkness. It doesn't always have to be all darkness and tragedy. That memorial is so peaceful and beautiful.
I try to remember in my darkest moments how much I am loved. I miss the love Jeff gave me and I miss the opportunity to show my love towards him but I try to keep in mind that he still loves me and I still love him, and not only that, but so many other people love me and I love them. I try to see the peace and beauty through the darkness.
Trauma Island did it's job. It has helped to heal again. I love that island for what it's done, but I really hope that we never have to go back, because that just means someone close to me has experienced a life changing trauma that requires an enormous amount of healing. But it's nice to know that if it's necessary, Trauma Island will always be there to help begin the healing process.
I call it Trauma Island because about five years ago, one of my girlfriends broke off her engagement a few weeks before her wedding and the only thing she couldn't get a refund on was her honeymoon. The bridesmaids talked her into still going and we ended up having a pretty good time. We joked back then that it was very "Sex in the City" of us. You know, the movie where Carrie doesn't get married and all the girls go with her on her non-honeymoon.
Of course, my friend was struggling at the time but we tried our best to cheer her up and if you can't find happiness on a beautiful white sand beach with a beverage in your hand, then things are really bad. She had her moments but overall she had some time away to start healing.
When Jeff died, people said I should go away on a trip to help me heal. I couldn't imagine going somewhere new and making new memories and always knowing that these memories and this trip and these souvenirs are all because my husband died. So I got in my head that I should go to a place I had been before because the memories of that place would be blurred with the previous trip. I didn't want to go to a place that I had been to with Jeff though. And then, Trauma Island came to mind. I broached the idea to my girlfriends and they all thought it was perfect. We ended up booking the same exact hotel we stayed in before and it just felt right.
I laid on a beach for six days. I had my moments, but overall it was just what the doctor ordered. Just getting away from it all for a while helped me truly relax. We ended up meeting some locals and one of them had lost his wife to breast cancer five years ago. After five days of running into them and chatting and them knowing why we were really there, they offered to cook us a real Caribbean meal. How could we turn that down? I was able to chat with the widower and he gave me some good advice.
There is something about meeting a fellow widow/widower and sharing experiences that just makes me feel understood. There is an unspoken, immediate connection, especially meeting a fellow widow/widower who has lost their spouse to cancer. Even in one of the most beautiful settings in the world, cancer seems to find a way to ruin lives. I really hate cancer for making, not only me, but others, widows/widowers.
On the way back home we had a 24 hour layover in New York. We chose to go to the World Trade Center Memorial and boy did that really put things in perspective for me. So many people lost on that tragic day. But sometimes, if you look at something in the right light and angle, you can see the beauty that still exists in such darkness. It doesn't always have to be all darkness and tragedy. That memorial is so peaceful and beautiful.
I try to remember in my darkest moments how much I am loved. I miss the love Jeff gave me and I miss the opportunity to show my love towards him but I try to keep in mind that he still loves me and I still love him, and not only that, but so many other people love me and I love them. I try to see the peace and beauty through the darkness.
Trauma Island did it's job. It has helped to heal again. I love that island for what it's done, but I really hope that we never have to go back, because that just means someone close to me has experienced a life changing trauma that requires an enormous amount of healing. But it's nice to know that if it's necessary, Trauma Island will always be there to help begin the healing process.
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