Monday, February 22, 2016

Mom Has MSA

I mentioned previously that my mom has been having health problems for the past couple years, pretty much since Jeff died. Well, we finally have a diagnosis after two years and an enormous amount of testing:

Mom has Multiple System Atrophy (MSA) or what used to be called Shy-Drager Syndrome.   MSA or Shy-Drager syndrome is a rare condition that causes progressive damage to the autonomic nervous system.  It is a progressive neurodegenerative disease.  There is no cure and no remission.  There is no treatment for MSA itself, they just treat the symptoms.

I have so many emotions yet feel numb at the same time.

I want to say at least it's not cancer, but then again, at least cancer can be treated and go into remission.

Somehow, my mom managed to get something worse than cancer.

Friday, February 19, 2016

It's All About Attitude

Life is all about attitude.  Positive attitude equals positive life, right?

Sometimes it's hard when a widow hears these kinds of words.  We are in the pits of despair and someone tells us that we just need to cheer up and have a positive attitude and our lives will be better.  Like everything will magically become delicious like lucky charms or something.

Ummm...I don't think so.  Our husband died: our best friend, our lover, our partner, our life.  Who we were before is gone so it's practically impossible to think positively.

I definitely get it, there are times where I just literally couldn't pick myself up off the ground.

But I do have to say that I agree with this statement.  I want to whine and complain and throw a temper tantrum and play the woe-is-me-widow-card when I'm having a rough day (I know I definitely have at times) but then I also remember that I only have this one life to live and, even though it's pretty sucky at the moment, I am the only one who can control my reactions to my situation.

Bad things happen to everyone, it's their reaction to the bad things that makes the difference.  I very well couldn't control what happened to Jeff but I can control my reaction.

A few months after Jeff died, when I was going through a particularly tough spell, my therapist asked me if I wanted to stay where I was at that moment and be stagnant.  When I replied no, he then gave me a terrible homework assignment.  But, even though I absolutely hated that homework assignment at the time, it helped me climb out of my deep dark hole eventually.

If I don't like something I need to change it, and if I can't change it, then I need to change my attitude about it.

So, even though this whole "positive attitude equals positive life" thing angers and frustrates me sometimes, I have to admit that it's true.

I can't change the fact that Jeff died.  What I can change is how I choose to live my life.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Celine Dion

Another celebrity joins the club.

I've posted previously on Kathy Lee Gifford and Sheryl Sandberg and the compassion I have for them beginning their own private road and journey through grief.  Celine Dion not only lost her husband, but she also lost her brother.

I know first hand what I went through the first few hours, days, weeks, months, and now years and I do not envy them, just like I'm sure people did not envy me.  It is a long road, one that I'm still on and still struggle with.

In reading about Celine Dion, I came across this awesome article.  Here are some of the major bullets from it and my thoughts:
  • You're going to be ok:
    • It's hard to tell someone that they are going to be ok when they have no idea if that statement is actually true, but I still believe that everything in the long run, will turn out to be ok.  That doesn't mean that it will be what you thought it would be, and that, in itself, is ok.
    • I felt so much guilt right after Jeff was diagnosed knowing that I was going to be ok.  I knew deep down that I would survive and be happy at some point after all the pain.  That is my own guilt monster I'm still overcoming at times. 
  • You can reinvent your life:
    • This is the scariest yet most empowering statement.  In the beginning stages you don't even want to think about changing, you just want what you once had back.  But everything and everyone changes in life.  You have to make your life into something that makes you happy even if that means letting go of the things that keep you tied to your previous life with your husband.  I know it's scary but it's important to figure out what you really want and go for it.
  • There will sometimes not be an answer:
    • This is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  You can beat yourself up with the "why" question: "why me, why now, why us, why him, why, why, why?" but it doesn't really help, it just keeps you stagnant in a dark place.  Come to terms that you will not get an answer.  
  • The pain will get better with time:
    • I was so afraid that this statement wasn't going to be true for me.  But a little over two years in, and I have to say that it is true.  Time just keeps ticking and one day you look back and you realize that yesterday was better than the day before regarding the pain you carry in your heart.  That pain will never be fully gone, but I like to compare it to a dull knife.  It is so sharp in the beginning and draws enormous amounts of blood, but over time the knife dulls and less blood is drawn and now it's just a dull ache or sting.
  • You are stronger than you realize:
    • You may not feel strong, I know there are times where I definitely don't feel strong, but I know I am strong.  You will continue to get stronger slowly but surely.  Unfortunately, the worst thing that has ever happened to you, the thing that you think you just cannot handle, has made you stronger and will continue to make you stronger.
  • You have resources:
    • In this day and age, there are all kinds of resources you can use. There really is something for everyone.  If you are a social person (family, friends, grief support groups, therapy, online forums for grief, etc.) or if you prefer to be alone (widow blogs, grief literature in the form of pamphlets or books, one on one therapy, journaling, etc.) there are resources for you, use them!  There is nothing wrong with asking for help.  Sit down and decide what type of help you need, then ask for it.  I used every single one of these resources and they were a tremendous help to me.
  • You can choose your attitude:
    • Think about the things you still have to be grateful for.  In the beginning this is really hard but with time and practice it gets easier.  Then, you start focusing on the positive and what's still good in your life and less on the negative and you'll be surprised at how this carries over into day to day living.  Even if it's only one thing in the beginning (family, friends, pets, job, where you live, the sun shining on your face, the moon glowing at night, your car, anything.  If you literally can't think of one thing you are grateful for, please reinvent your life)
    • Now that you have experienced the death of someone so close to you, you may have realized that life is short, you might as well make that life as happy as possible.  Choose to not waste time being miserable and sad.  Choose instead to try and smile and find something that makes you happy.
    • Choose to have a positive attitude.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Full Circle

My cousin has been living with me for a year now.

I feel fortunate that my cousin lives with me.

I lived with my cousin for three years before moving in with Jeff.  When I moved in with Brian, he had broken up with his girlfriend so it worked out perfectly for both of us.  I needed to move out of my parents' house and he needed help with the rent.  His son was only a year old when I moved in and was four when I moved out to live with Jeff.

My cousin and I are only about a year apart and we have always gotten along really well.  He's just such an easy going person and so handy around the house.  The under-cabinet microwave went out a few weeks ago and I thought it would cost a fortune to have someone replace it, but Brian did it.  Jeff and I didn't even know how to use his drill so I know Jeff was looking down and smiling that someone was finally using his drill properly.

Unfortunately, when I moved in with Jeff it was hard to stay close with Brian, we just had such different lives and we only saw each other on major holidays for the next nine years or so.

A little over a year after Jeff died, Brian had broken up with another girlfriend and needed a place to live.  He was only supposed to move in for about 6 months but we have realized how beneficial the situation is for both of us and I'm hoping that he stays for a while longer. 

We both have such different schedules, he works retail and I keep teacher hours so sometimes we go days without seeing each other.  His son is now an 8th grader and he has a stepson that's in 7th grade and Brian takes care of his nephew part time as well, who is in 2nd grade. The kids bring me joy.  Even though I only see them every so often, they bring such life to the house.  They're always wrestling and joking and in such good moods.  I try to help them with homework when I can and when they allow me to (I'm such a teacher!).  It's awesome to see them practically grown up after spending so much time with them when they were toddlers.

Where we are now is different yet strangely the same.  Of course our lives have changed in the last decade or so but they have also stayed the same in that we both still get along so well and we are living so seamlessly with each other again, like we picked up where we left off before Jeff. 

Brian and I have discussed how strange it is to have come full circle like this.  We were roommates before Jeff and are roommates again after Jeff.  I'm glad Brian and I have been able to help each other.

Full circle with family.