Friday, December 29, 2017

Four Years

It's been four years since I lost my best friend and partner. I cried this morning but I think the real sharp pain is from missing my mom, even though it's Jeff's four year anniversary today.  She is my original best friend and confidant. I pretty much told her everything in my life. When I think about him, I immediately think about her.

Jeff and my mom are two of my absolute favorite people.  

I hope they're together taking care of each other. I selfishly wish they were still here to take care of me and for me to take care of them. I miss them fiercely. My grief for them is infinite. 

The New Year is always right around the corner at Jeff's anniversary pressuring me and reminding me that life is what I choose to make it.  Life is short, I need to continue to strive for happiness even in my grief. 

I hope I continue to honor them both and their memories.

Bring on the New Year. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Jeff's Revenge on Christmas

Christmas has always been a huge deal in my family.  It used to take my mom and me a full day to decorate the house for Christmas.  It was like Christmas threw up in our house.  Then we would spend 3-4 days making hundreds and hundreds of Christmas cookies, bars, fudges and other confections. 

Every year, Jeff would shake his head at me when I would come home from my parent's house after a 10 hour day, covered in flour and exhausted from making so many holiday treats only to wake up and do it again the next day and the next day and the next day.  I didn't make any Christmas treats the year Jeff got sick and I haven't made them since.  I don't find any joy in it anymore.  My sister has since taken over that tradition.

My immediate family would have a big Christmas Eve dinner and then the extended family would come over around 10 am Christmas morning to have breakfast and not leave until close to 11 pm after the presents were opened and lunch and dinner were served.  Christmas in my family truly is a marathon.

Jeff was always blown away at my family's Christmas traditions.  The first Christmas he spent at my family's house, after a couple of hours, he wondered why we were still there.  I explained to him that we had at least another 10 hours or so and the look on his face was priceless.  He said his family Christmas lasted no more than 3 hours.

The noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed him.  He actually had to go sit in the corner of the garage (which was the only quiet place in the house) by himself and get some quiet time that first year.  I love telling that story to people.  He eventually got used to the long Christmas at my family's house but I don't think he ever really enjoyed it.

After Jeff died, the noise and commotion of over 30 people running around the house overwhelmed me and I found myself holed up in the back bedroom of my parent's house overcome with anxiety.  These last couple of years have been better, especially when I had to take on more responsibility for planning and helping my parent's host Christmas once my mom got sick.

Since Jeff died around Christmas, Christmas has taken on a new meaning to me, it is a bit tainted because there is so much trauma and pain surrounding it.  Now with Mom gone as well, we are trying to maintain all of the traditions that she created but that in itself is also painful.

Ironically, thinking about how Jeff has changed Christmas for me right now brings a little smile to my face because Jeff always hated Christmas.  His father experienced many traumatic things around Christmas in his own childhood and Jeff's dad worked in the grocery business so Christmas was always long hours and stress for him, so I think Jeff saw Christmas as more of a negative thing growing up.

Then when Jeff started working for UPS at nineteen years old, Christmas always signified exhaustion and stress to him as well.  Maybe Jeff got his revenge on Christmas finally.  For some reason that brings a little smile to my face and I just have to say, well done Jeff, well done.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Last Day of the Semester

The last day of the semester is always bittersweet for me.  It's such a great day because grades are done, staff and students are happy because we are about to embark on a three week break, and the holidays are upon us.  The students are filled with joy and excitement. Their attitudes are contagious.

But then I'm always brought back to this same day four years ago where I was giving out final grades to my students and I got the phone call from the doctor at the hospital telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff and that it was time for hospice.  He came home a couple of days before Christmas Eve and died December 29th, 2013.

I try to enjoy the holidays and this time of year.  I'm looking forward to Christmas and celebrations with family and friends, watching my nieces open their presents, and getting ready for the New Year.  But I can't help but be sad.  I can't help but think about the pain and heartbreak I felt then.  It was such a traumatic time for me four years ago.  The first year after, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. With time, the pain and sadness have been less sharp.   Every year I have found more and more happiness and the sadness has lessened and I hope as time goes by that this pain and sadness continues to dull.   But I also know that it will never completely go away.  What I have experienced has changed me.

When I think about Jeff's birthday, our wedding anniversary, and other milestones, it's easier for me to remember happy times.  But getting that phone call saying that death was imminent for my husband, I cannot think of anything to be grateful for or happy about regarding that day.  It only brings back pain.  I want to push it down and forget it.  I want to ignore it and pretend it never happened.  But I also want to heal and healing only comes through acknowledgement and dealing with it, not denying it or avoiding it.

I'm happy and excited for my three week break and making it through another semester.  But my husbands death mars it every year and it always will.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Another Breakdown

I had another breakdown last night.  This one might have been worse than the one I had a couple of days ago.

I definitely know what the trigger was for the one last night.  Last night was the night four years ago that a baseball sized tumor on Jeff's adrenal gland we didn't even know was there burst and started bleeding into his abdomen.  He was in enormous pain but we didn't know at the time what was causing the pain.  I wanted to take him to the ER but he told me that he didn't want to go.  I called his mom and she demanded that I call an ambulance if he refused to go to the hospital.  Jeff told me he would never forgive me if I made him go to the hospital that night.  He got into bed and said he just wanted to lay in bed and try to sleep.  I was so distraught that I needed to take anti-anxiety medicine in order to avoid a panic attack.

I woke up in the morning and started getting ready for work while Jeff was sleeping.  As I was leaving for work he told me he was ready to go to the hospital.  He was in the hospital for a little over a week.  We got him home right before Christmas Eve.  He died December 29th.

Last night the dog I adopted right after Jeff and I married was acting very strange.  She was crying out frequently any time I tried to pick her up or move her if she was sleeping near or on me.  I was very distraught because I couldn't figure out why she was crying.  I kept feeling around her stomach, ribs, legs, paws to see what was causing her pain and she wouldn't cry out while I was palpating but any time I tried to move her or make her move, she would cry out sharply.  I couldn't decide if I should take her to the emergency veterinarian or not and it brought back the same anxiety as I felt exactly four years ago with Jeff.  It was like I was reliving that moment over again.

Luckily, Wyoming was there to help with the situation.  He decided it was best to let my dog sleep in her kennel and see how she was in the morning.  I told him I was afraid that when we went to check on her in the morning that she would be dead.  He was confident she would be fine.

This morning, I found out that he barely slept.  He checked on her throughout the night to make sure she was doing ok.  He said that he took her out to go potty and she didn't cry and didn't limp.  This morning she seemed fine.

I am exhausted this morning from crying and worrying.  I try and separate the incident with Jeff and my dog but my emotions get the best of me and it's all I can do to calm myself down and not have a full blown panic attack.

My dog means so much to me.  She is the last remaining living thing I have of Jeff.  Since Jeff's family broke all contact with me over three years ago, she is the last piece of Jeff I feel I have left.  He named her.  She was there while he was home, keeping him company while he was on disability and going through radiation and chemotherapy.  She wouldn't leave his side when he came home from the hospital the six days before he died.  He actually told me that he wanted her ashes with him.  He didn't care where my ashes went but he definitely wanted our dog's ashes with him.

I know my dog will die one day.  It's inevitable.  But all I could think about last night was how I just couldn't handle her dying the month Jeff died and over the first holidays without my mom.

Wyoming says I'm strong and can handle anything but he also admits I may need some extra help.  So I scheduled a bereavement group meeting and am going back to some of the coping skills I used right when Jeff died.  I was hyper-vigilant when Jeff died about taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I know I've been lax about taking care of myself since Mom died.  I am sure there is a correlation, which is causing me to have such a hard time right now.

Just like physically taking care of myself by eating well and working out, I need to take care of myself emotionally and mentally by doing the same grief work I did right after Jeff died.

It's depressing to think that even after four years, I still have to work so hard.  I wonder if Mom hadn't died if I would be struggling this much right now.  But I guess it doesn't really matter, I am where I am.  It is what it is.

I can either lay down and let the misery of grief suffocate me, or I can stand up to my grief, face it head on and do the work required to overcome it.  I'm just tired of feeling panic and sadness these last couple of weeks so it's time to do something about it.

I know what needs to be done so I just need to do it.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Breakdown

I knew it was coming.  I could feel it and I wrote a little about it in my last post.  I guess there's just really nothing I could have done to prevent it.  Grief demands to be addressed.  At least I know what the trigger was that ultimately caused the breakdown.

Jeff bought a condo before we started dating and I moved into his condo a couple years after we started dating.  We lived there until I bought my house and he decided to move in with me.

It's been nine years since I've been back to Jeff's condo.  We have been renting it out using a property manager.  But a few months ago my cousin and her boyfriend moved into it.  I drove into the complex right after they moved in and felt very anxious about it so I never actually went inside.  I've been avoiding going inside for months because I didn't want to deal with the anxiety and emotions surrounding Jeff's condo.  But my cousin and her boyfriend needed help putting a new refrigerator in so Wyoming and I went over to help.

I was very anxious driving into the complex and then going inside the condo.  I took some time to look around and the memories came flooding back.  I remembered where our furniture was.  I remembered what it looked like when I moved in and the changes I made to it after I moved in.  I remembered the good times and the beginning of our love story.  I did pretty well while I was there but once we left I had a bit of a panic attack.  I couldn't catch my breath and I tried to distract myself and tried to prevent a total meltdown, but grief demanded to be addressed.

The floodgates opened and I couldn't stop crying.  I was devastated at the life I lost when Jeff died.  I don't know how to describe the pain and loss I felt, it was so visceral, just like when he first died.  Then I thought about how I just wanted to talk to my mom and remembered that she was also gone.  My memories of Jeff and my memories of my childhood and the times I turned to my mom for comfort intertwined and I was inconsolable.  My grief was overwhelming.

Wyoming did a good job comforting me but I was overcome and cried for a while.  We were supposed to be helping my dad decorate for Christmas right after helping my cousin and her boyfriend with their new refrigerator so I tried to pick myself up and help my dad but I was just so sad.  The next day, I was exhausted.  I call it an emotional hangover.

It's been a few days now and I feel better even though today is the anniversary of Jeff going into the hospital a few days before he died.

I try and remind myself all the time that even though I have experienced so much loss and grief, that I still have a pretty awesome life.  My relationships with my family and friends all seem to be back in a place that is comfortable and close again, I have an awesome job, I'm beginning a new life with Wyoming, and I'm healthy and alive.

The New Year is coming up and Wyoming and I have big plans to go snowmobiling, which I've never done before.  There is so much to look forward to, so I need to focus on the future and all that is good in my life and not focus on the past and what I've lost, even though my loss is tremendous.

I miss Jeff and my mom terribly, but I know they would want me to be happy.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

The Holidays Are Hard

Right around this time can be hard for me.  The end of the semester is always difficult because teachers are finalizing grades and giving finals while dealing with very demanding students and parents who want to know what they can do before final grades are due to improve their grades.  Plus all of the regular holiday stresses.

On top of all of that, Jeff started whole brain radiation right around Thanksgiving, he also went into the hospital right before finals week and stayed in the hospital during finals week only to come home the day after the semester ended.  He died December 29th.

On top of all of this stress, I'm really being affected by this being the first holidays without my mom.  I've just been plowing through.  I haven't been taking the time to reflect and meditate.  I haven't taken the time to sit with my feelings and memories.  I think I've just been pushing them down and expecting to deal with them later because I've been so busy.  And let's be honest, dealing with sad and difficult feelings and memories is painful and nobody wants to deal with pain, especially around the holidays.

I need to refocus so I don't lose my mind and have a total breakdown.  Not only am I dealing with the grief from Jeff still, but now I'm also dealing with the grief of losing my mother.

I miss the days before death and illness affected my life, when I could truly celebrate the holidays with no sadness.  I miss the naivete and innocence of my past.