A Not Forgotten Anniversary

Wyoming and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary together.  Since he's been in town, it's been a bit of a rough transition.  Overall, I think things are going well, but sometimes sharing space with a significant other can be challenging in the beginning.

Our 3 year anniversary landed on the Friday before Mother's Day.  I wrote about how difficult Mother's Day was for me this year in this blog post.

Because Wyoming and I had been fighting, neither one of us mentioned our anniversary.  The morning of our actual anniversary we got into a pretty big fight before I left for work.  Neither one of us said anything about our anniversary and I thought he forgot about it and he thought I forgot about it, but he surprised me by bringing a flower arrangement to my pilates studio after class and giving it to me.  Little did he know, that I had a big basket of about 30 different types of candies all wrapped up in my car for him, he has a huge sweet tooth.

I got a bouquet of flowers and he got a bouquet of candy.  It was perfect.

Wyoming admitted that he was pretty upset the morning of our anniversary because I was cranky and sad and I didn't mention our anniversary so he "got all up in his feelings."

We didn't go out to dinner or do anything fancy like previous years since I was still pretty sad about Mother's Day so I have a feeling we will celebrate later.

Navigating grief and love and grief and new relationships is hard.  But I am trying my best to be happy and to move forward.  I am grateful for all of the people who put up with me and my moodiness as I deal with my grief.

Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I found it pretty hard.  I was pretty tense and irritable the week leading up to Mother's Day and with Wyoming in my space, he had a hard time handling my irritability.

I feel like he expects me to not be irritable and thinks he can make it better.  He can't make it better, only I have the control to make it better.  I ultimately control my own happiness.  Things can happen around me, things can happen to me, but only I control my response.

My response to this first Mother's Day without my mom was to be irritable and sad.  Nothing he can do or say will change that and he wasn't happy about it and as he kept pushing me and taking it personally, it only led to a fight.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him moving here to be with me, but my grief is too big right now that I had nothing left to give him at the time.  I needed to be left alone and that's what I told him, but, understandably, he felt like he moved here so I wouldn't be alone and he wanted to help.  Even though I told him what I needed, he didn't listen.

Knowing what I know about  myself and grief since Jeff has died tells me that coming up to big anniversaries, holidays, and significant dates, my anxiety grows and manifests itself in irritability.  I wish this is something that I could change but I feel like at least I recognize it.  I tend to turn inward and just want to be left alone until the date passes or until I have some kind of breakdown.

I'm sure this is not easy to live with but I need him to understand that it's not personal.  This has nothing to do with him.  But he takes it personally and doesn't understand why I'm being mean to him.  I don't feel like I'm being mean to him, I just don't want to pretend that I'm happy or okay.  I just want to be left alone.

What you see is what you get with me.  If I'm happy, or sad, or anxious, or irritable, or frustrated, or angry, or excited everyone around me knows it.  If it's a positive feeling, it's nice to be around other people but when I'm feeling negative, I try to remove myself so I don't take it out on others.  Right now, Wyoming has no where to go since the land isn't ready for him to move on to yet and he doesn't have a job so he's stuck with this cranky person in a house that isn't his.

It's not a good situation for either of us.  It just made Mother's Day harder for me.

Jeff and I had 10 years together, and don't get my wrong, we definitely got on each other's nerves, but we had spent so much time together and gotten through so much together that he knew how to read me and instead of pushing me, he would give me my space until I came around.  Wyoming doesn't know this yet.  Hopefully he's starting to figure it out and realize that when I say I need something (like to be left alone), he will listen.  We've been together for almost three years now, but the majority of our relationship so far has been long distance.  We are definitely still learning a lot about how to be in each other's space full time.

I miss my mom and I miss Jeff.  Hopefully they are together shaking their head at me and calling me a brat.

Two Hundred Posts!

Wyoming is Officially Here was  my 200th post.  I can't believe I have written 200 posts.  I remember when I was surprised that I made it to 100 posts.

I started this blog to help me deal with the grief over losing my husband to lung cancer December 29, 2013.  I needed an anonymous outlet.  I'm not as anonymous as I used to be since I've posted a video of my first dance at my wedding and a picture of my uncle and my mom but since none of my family and friends know about this blog, I still feel anonymous when I write.

This blog has given me the opportunity to truly express my feelings; my ups and downs, my frustrations and triumphs, my happy times and my sad times, all while being honest and open without fear of hurting those close to me.

I know how much other widow blogs have helped me in the past and continue to help me and I do hope that what I have posted has helped others as well.  I know that writing about what I have been going through regarding the loss of my husband and how that loss has affected my life has been a form of therapy for me.  It gives me an outlet and an opportunity to work through my thoughts and feelings on situations as well as allowing me the opportunity to chronicle my growth and lack of growth. Going back and re-reading old posts helps me see how far I've come but also what I still need to work on.

Thank you to the handful of people who have been following my journey and have provided such positive comments.  We all know that grief is really hard and that everybody grieves and handles grief differently so it is nice to be able to connect with people and know that I'm not alone and help others realize that they aren't alone either, even if we are all on our own separate journeys.

I miss my husband every day and hate cancer for making me a widow, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned and appreciative of all those who have supported me in good times and in bad.

I'm not quite sure how long I will continue to write.  I figure I will continue to write as long as I need to.  I might not post as often as I used to, but as we all know, life keeps happening whether we want it to or not, and we all need to keep learning and growing and moving forward as we live it.

He Made Contact Again!

April 29th was the four year, four month anniversary of Jeff's passing.  I used to countdown and mark each 29th until one month I forgot and didn't.  Even though the anniversary of Jeff's death isn't at the forefront of my mind like it used to be, I still recognize it and count it most months. 

Some months are harder than others, but usually every 29th, I note that another month of my life has passed without Jeff.

This four year, four month anniversary, Jeff made contact again.  He didn't make contact with me though.  He made contact with Wyoming.  This isn't the first time he's made contact with Wyoming.  I wrote about the first time in this post.  

Wyoming woke up on April 30th to a missed call.  On his missed call log it showed that someone from a restricted number called with my husbands first and last name at 10:14 pm.  

Now I know that some people would say that it's just a coincidence, that maybe a salesman or someone called and he just happened to have the same first and last name as my husband and he just happened to call on the four year, four month anniversary of my husband's death.

But I don't believe in coincidences since Jeff died.  Now I think coincidences are really signs.  

I don't know why Jeff doesn't contact me.  Maybe he does and I just don't notice or recognize it?  But the way he contacts Wyoming definitely cannot be missed or go unrecognized.

Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hi?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of acknowledging that he's still around?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying he knows Wyoming is staying in our house? 

I don't know why Jeff contacts Wyoming this way but all I know is that I'm happy he does because it proves that he's still out there watching over me.  It shows me that he is still around and he still cares.

I wish Jeff was still here, but even though he's not, I'll take whatever contact from him I can get, even if he doesn't contact me directly.  I still get his message.