Sunday, July 6, 2014

Widows Get Horny Too

Now this might be one of the most embarrassing things to talk about as a widow.  Widows get horny too.  Not all widows but some, more than people might think.  I NEVER thought that I would be a horny widow just a few months into widowhood, but I am and I have made myself feel guilty about it for far too long.

I finally started talking about it with trusted close friends and my therapist and found out it was perfectly normal to be horny.  When you had a regular sex life for ten years and then go months without any kind of affection, these feelings can creep up for some people.

So I decided to do a little experiment.  I wanted to see if I really would do anything about being horny.  I have read about many widows and widowers who started dating very soon after the death of their spouse.  It didn't mean that they didn't love their spouse or wasn't still mourning their spouse, it just meant they had needs that needed to be met, itches that needed to be scratched, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the widow/widower was aware of their behavior and was not trying to cover up or deny their feelings and thus not delaying or halting the grieving process.

So I went out with a group of my single girlfriends for a night out on the town.  We went out for happy hour first, then caught a comedy show and proceeded to bar hop the rest of the night before going back to our hotel room.  I had a great time.  I had such a great time that I paid for that great time for the next day and a half.  I am not in my twenties anymore, I realized that I cannot recover from a night of drinking and dancing like I did in my twenties and for some reason, hangovers really do just hang over you for way too long.

But I did realize something else important after that night of fun, other than the fact that I cannot party like I'm still in my twenties.  What I realized is that I do not want just sex.  I'm not horny for sex.  I'm horny for intimacy.  I danced and had great conversation with one guy in particular, but I just couldn't get past the platonic feeling.  I enjoyed spending time with him but there was no excitement, no rush, no feeling of wanting him to touch me or kiss me and when he did try and kiss me I shied away and then proceeded to show him my wedding ring that is still on my left ring finger as well as Jeff's wedding ring on my necklace, and then also tell him all about Jeff dying.  Talk about a buzz kill for that poor guy.  But he was really sweet and listened and commented appropriately and wished me luck. 

So now I know I don't want just sex, or even kissing or cuddling with just anyone.  My physical body does have needs but I know that my mental and emotional being wants intimacy.  I've found I'm horny for emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy.

I really find it terrible that widow's and widower's get judged so harshly for their behavior after the death of their spouse.  Either they get judged because they "get over it" too quickly and date or remarry or they do not "get over it" quickly enough and stay single and have no interest to mingle.

Please do not judge a widow or widower.  We are trying to navigate our own emotions and lives through this stressful and new situation we have found ourselves in.  All we need is support and someone to listen to us, not someone to fix us or tell us what we should or should not be doing.  We already experience enough guilt, we should not have to experience shame and judgment from others as well.

If someone close to you is a widow and they are or are not horny for physical or emotional intimacy, then please just give them your support and know that they are struggling every day to try and make sense of it all, that they may falter and need even more support, and especially that you make it clear that you are not judging them.

1 comment:

  1. I've never met a widow being judged who either took really long to grieve or never stopped grieving but yes those who already have another person real fast I've seen get judged and deservedly so. The way I'm made and the way some ppl I know are made when we love we love deeply . Being with someone else just isn't our nature. We grieve and our sad for the rest of our lives and although the other person isn't there physically they are with us spiritually. I would not be with someone who is capable of being with someone else rapidly.shows me that people are quickly expendable to them and I'd have to question their love no matter how emotionally broken they are.

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