One Year

A year ago today my husband died.

I find it so interesting that I am such a planner but there have been a couple of times this year where I had an idea of what I wanted to do on a specific anniversary but didn't actually have a set plan.  I wanted to keep this day open mainly because I didn't know how I would feel and what I would need. I didn't know if I would want to stay in bed for most of the day and feel sorry for myself.  I didn't know if I would be in a "carpet diem" kind of mood.  All I knew was that I wanted to get my very first tattoo in memory of Jeff today and that's exactly what I did.  I also got out of bed, went to Pilates, took his favorite food and drinks to the cemetery and shared dinner with him.  As I sat at the cemetery, I thought about a lot of things.

A year ago today, I remember wondering how I would ever survive without Jeff.  I remember being so afraid of living without him.  I remember thinking that I would never be strong enough to live in this house by myself.  I remember feeling so close to my in-laws.

Looking back, I'm proud of myself.  I have survived.  I have figured out how to continue living and have found moments of genuine joy.  I have a new job.  I live alone and it isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I finally feel like I'm returning to the strong and independent person I used to be who went out and bought a house all by herself.  I'm not quite where I need to be but I feel like I am finally on my way.  I still feel him around me.  I see signs that he's still with me.  I relish and wait hungrily for those moments.

It's not all roses and rainbows though.  I absolutely despise taking out the trash cans on trash day and putting them away. That is something I was never responsible for and never thought I would have to do.  It distinctly reminds me that I'm on my own.

I'm still not speaking to my in-laws.  I was inconsistently emailing my brother-in-law and texting

with my father-in-law but have finally admitted that I need more time away from them to continue to heal.  But I miss them terribly.  They are so much like Jeff but are also so special and unique in their own ways.  I feel like holding on to them is holding on to Jeff too tightly.  I want to hold on so badly but know I need to let go to move forward.

I have also finally admitted that my mother-in-law and I will never be close again and there are times when I feel like what I thought was a close relationship all these years was a sham.  I'm not sure if she ever really loved me or if she just used me to stay close to her son.  I feel like she showed one face while he was alive and soon after he died, the real face came out.  But sometimes I feel like we may just both be grieving so hard that we cannot seem to get on the same page, that I inadvertently hurt her and she returns the favor.  That is something that will either figure itself out or not and I'm finally ok with that.

It's crazy how much has changed and also stayed the same in one year.  I have figured out who my real friends and family are.  I am disappointed in a couple of lost relationships and I am learning to let go of those as well.  I am also overwhelmed at how many people truly love and care about me and have stepped forward to embrace and support me.  Those are the relationships that I focus on and continue to nourish and feed.

Jeff and I were lucky that we had the time to truly appreciate and love each other before he left this Earth.  We had the opportunity to tell each other how much we respected and cherished each other. I'm trying to treat all of my relationships like that now.  I have learned to say everything that needs to be said and not hold anything back, especially when it comes to telling people how much I appreciate, love, respect, and cherish them in my life.

I have learned to live each day like it could be my last.  I have learned to take chances and do what I need to do to make myself happy, even if it's risky and scary.  Things don't always work out the way I hoped and sometimes I have had to stop and reevaluate a failure or disappointment.  I don't regret taking the chance though because some risks have worked out specifically when I left a comfortable job to go after my dream job.  Jeff taught me all of these lessons.  Some when he was still with me and others after he was gone.

It has been a rough year to say the least but I am proud of myself for getting through this first year without the love of my life and best friend.  I know he's proud of me too.

Today Was the Day

I am so glad that I switched schools this year.  Today was the day last year, as I was giving out grades to my students, that I got the phone call from the doctors telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff and I should begin hospice.  A little over a week later, he was gone.

If I was still at my old school, the memories of being in that same classroom, with the same schedule, doing the same thing I did last year would have driven me crazy.  I recognized this week that certain things happened last year (the night he went in the hospital, the 10 days spent in the hospital, how I juggled finals week and grading and spending the nights with him, and of course today, when I got that terrible phone call) but since I am in such a new environment, I recognize the feelings but then they pass and I am trying not to wallow.

I think it has also helped tremendously that I have said yes to every social event and actually gone, whether I was in the mood to or not, because, so far, since I have gotten to the event, I have had a good time and end up enjoying myself. 

The only really tough part is the drive home by myself to an empty house. 

What has also helped is scheduling all of the good-for-me things such as going to my bereavement group, my therapy appointment, my emotional release appointment, my facial appointment, maintaining my workout schedule, getting plenty of sleep, and trying to eat as healthy as I can. 

Last year, all I did was take care of Jeff and I feel the need to take care of someone so this year, I chose to take care of myself.  I am truly trying to take care of myself.

I have a plan for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the first anniversary of Jeff's death.  I have a cousin from out of town staying with me too so I will not be alone. 

I feel like I am doing all of the "right" things and I'm also not denying or distracting myself from the sad feelings.  When I do feel sad, I sit with it, I journal, and try and think of the good times with him and I also think about all the things I have to be grateful for right now. 

I love that famous saying by Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  I still cry because it's over but after, I smile because I still feel so lucky that Jeff happened to me.

I Love Young, Widowed & Rebuilding

This specific post from Wendy's blog is so me!  I feel like I could be her, and she could be me, our stories are so similar yet different at the same time.

She gives me hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel especially because she is now remarried with a new baby.

Rough Waters Ahead

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well not for me.  I'm having a big old pity party.  I miss Jeff.

Not only is this the month for celebrations but it's also the month Jeff died and the most stressful month for teachers, with final exams and grades due.  I used to love Christmas but I'm dreading it this year.

Jeff was not a big fan of Christmas mainly because he was a UPS driver so right after Thanksgiving he was working 10-12 hour days and he was exhausted. The 10 years we were together, he couldn't or just didn't want to attend all of the holiday festivities, parties, and gatherings because of work.  I never really minded though because I knew he would be home waiting for me.

Well as usual, every Friday, Saturday, and quite a few weeknights this month I'm booked with the usual festivities.  Driving home from this first week of them has been making me more and more sad though.  Going to all the parties feels normal, since he rarely came with me.  But driving home I always looked forward to seeing him and hearing about his day and just being with him, even if he wasn't in the mood to talk.  Just being in his presence made me happy.  Driving home to an empty house this time of year just distinctly reminds me that he is gone. I am sad.

I'm trying hard to think of the positives and all the things I have to be grateful for but it's hard to not be angry that I had something so great at one point and now it's gone at no fault of my own. We weren't perfect but we were truly happy together.

This is what I should focus on, I had my soulmate. We found each other and loved each other fiercely. I know many people my age and older who haven't found their soul mate yet.  But sometimes driving home, I wonder how I could have been so blissfully happy and now I'm so miserably despondent.

I love this passage from one of my favorite widow blogs.  Wendy's blog was the first widow blog I read and she's still my favorite.  I relate so strongly to her.  She is my hero. I go back and reread her blog over and over, especially when I feel like this.

"For whatever reason, yesterday was a tough day. I've been having more good days than bad days recently, and thought I was doing well. I guess I am still doing well, even if there was one day in which that wasn't the case. It's funny how one bad day can loom so large that it overwhelms the good days and makes them all but disappear in my mind. On a bad day, it's as though a big dark cloud rolls in that is so dark, heavy, and large, it's hard to remember that the sun ever shined or to believe that it ever will again. After a bad day like that, I know it will take a while for me to have another truly good day. The storm front takes time to roll through and away, off the horizon. I guess it makes sense -- a tornado doesn't last long, but the aftereffects are devastating and it takes serious time and effort to clean up the debris and rainwater and to restore things to their previous condition, if that is even possible."

So again, I need to remind myself to be patient and kind to myself, especially this time of year.

I also need to remember that I am without Jeff, but I am not alone.  I am not alone in life or my grief. Many others are feeling and have felt exactly like me and we cannot allow ourselves to be lost in the storm.