Monday, August 24, 2015

Intimacy Is the Key to Finding Love

Sometimes I am flabbergasted at the fact that I have so many successful, awesome, yet single girlfriends.  And these women haven't only been single for a few months, but years!

These women are a lot like me: strong, independent, successful, make good money in awesome careers, either own their own homes or live in apartments without the need for a roommate, and they do not have kids.  Why aren't they with the love of their lives?

Something is wrong with this picture. 

I feel guilty sometimes that I was lucky enough to have had Jeff and now I have Wyoming.  Some of my girlfriends have not even had a Jeff and I've now had a Jeff and a Wyoming.  How is that at all fair, Universe?  I want my friends to find love, safety, comfort, and a best friend like I have.

I've been thinking about this a lot.  I know there is no perfect person out there.  I didn't even like Jeff when I first met him.  I thought he was loud, boorish, and not at all very attractive.  But through the 7 years we were in the same social circle, I slowly got to know his personality, heart, and soul and grew to love him unconditionally.

I read this article and it really shed some light on dating and finding real intimacy, which is the key to finding love.  I realized that, unknowingly, I practiced the skills from this article with Jeff when we secretly started dating after 7 years of just being friends.  We kept our dating a secret because we didn't want any outside interference from our friends, which I realize now was the best thing we could have ever done to build trust and intimacy.

I also noticed that I practice these skills with Wyoming as I am getting to know him through email, text messaging, over the phone, through FaceTime, and now in person.  Distance definitely helped with some of these but I honestly believe that we are both in a place in our lives where we want to find an intimate connection, share our vulnerabilities, and find love.  I know for sure distance has helped me with sharing my vulnerabilities enormously.  I have been able to tell him things on the phone that I might not have been able to talk as openly about if we were in person.  But once we finally did meet in person, all the intimacy and trust that was established over the phone, through texting, emailing and FaceTiming was apparent and everything felt natural and normal.

I do have to admit that I am still petrified of being hurt.  I think I am more afraid of him leaving me without any choice on his or my part, just like Jeff.  As I move forward with my relationship with Wyoming, I'm still afraid of that but I'm trying to not let that get in the way of being happy in the present moment.  I'm trying to be like Wendy!  In this blog post she discusses having a fearless heart.

Wyoming has been and continues to be very patient and understanding of my fears but if I hadn't been vulnerable and shared my fears with him, there could easily have been a miscommunication in that my fear could have been misconstrued and he might have thought I just wasn't that in to him.

In having conversations with my friends about their dating life, I have definitely noticed that they are not practicing a lot of the skills from the article, which might make more sense as to why they are still single.  But, I also think a lot of the men they are dating are also not practicing the skills from the article.  I don't think it's just one person's fault.

It's ok to be vulnerable.  I know it's hard after losing the love of your life, you can't imagine going through that kind of pain again, but in holding back, all you're really doing is hurting yourself.  It's a risk to put yourself out there, but if you don't, you may miss out on the next best thing to ever happen to you, which is finding your next partner and best friend to share the rest of your life with.

Let's all try to have a fearless heart.  We only live once.


Monday, August 17, 2015

Friends

It's common knowledge that after the death of someone special, everybody suffers.  We all talk about how much the widow suffers but many others are so very affected as well.

One of my best friends, who was also one of Jeff's best friends, has definitely changed.  Right after Jeff died she was overly protective of me and I appreciated it.  She wasn't afraid to be blunt and tell people what I really needed, which sometimes put her in the line of fire but she stood by me and shielded me. 

But after those first couple months after Jeff died there was a strain in our friendship and I couldn't figure it out for a really long time.  I spent entire sessions with my therapist talking about her.  We had what I call a "come to Jesus meeting," finally where we hashed it out, we spoke our truths and just overall, communicated.

She had been pulling back from me because she was trying to protect me.  She didn't want to talk about her dating life and the good things that were going on because she felt it wouldn't be fair to hurt me like that.  She was trying to protect me from her when what she didn't realize is that she was only hurting me. 

When I finally made it clear to her that hearing about others and their good times and happiness didn't make me sad, but that it was a reminder that everyone has ebbs and flows in their lives.  Hearing about other people and the good things that are happening to them is a distraction for me and that I actually need to hear these good things because it reminds me that my life will one day be good again.  She apologized and said she would try to include me and not be afraid to talk about the good things that were going on in her life, especially her dating life. 

I also reminded her that she tells all of our other close friends about the good and bad in her life and when she leaves me out I feel isolated and alone.  She was horrified at that and didn't even realize that her actions were making me feel that way.

I've heard that the way people respond to someone else in a traumatic situation could potentially be the way they would like others to respond to them if and when they ever go through their own traumatic experience.

Again, communication is so very important.  We as widows and widowers need to communicate our needs and those who support us need to communicate their needs as well.

If you are noticing that relationships are strained, consider communicating what your needs are and gently explain that you are not feeling supported and you are struggling.  I can almost guarantee that your friends and family have no idea that their actions, which I'm sure are trying to protect you in some way, are having the adverse effect.

Communication is the only way to truly feel supported and safe.  

Monday, August 3, 2015

Real Housewives

On the reality show "The Real Housewives of New York" there happens to be two widows.  Carole Radziwell was married to Anthony Radziwell who died in 1999.  Dorinda Medley was married to Richard Medley who died in 2011.

I recently watched an episode where Carole needed to go to London to pick up her husband's ashes.  Dorinda accompanied her to London.

There were a couple of things both women discussed while on this trip that hit really close to home for me.

Dorinda said that taking care of Richard wasn't a burden, it was an honor.

I can't agree more with this statement.  Both Dorinda and Carole talked about how the night after their husbands died was the first night that they actually slept.  Dorinda said that people don't sleep when someone is dying because they never know what could happen, whether that was needing to go to the ER or their husbands potentially dying when they weren't there or any other anxiety ridden scenario that could happen when you know someone is dying.

I related so much to this statement mainly because I remember this level of anxiety and being the person that was responsible to make the big decisions.  But even though I was under all of that stress and anxiety, taking care of Jeff was definitely an honor and I would have done it until the end of time if needed.  He was worth all of that stress and anxiety because he was my best friend and the love of my life.  Taking care of Jeff was never a burden, it was an honor.

Carole said that her husband was a big part of her life.  Maybe not in number of years but in her soul and in her heart.

This is a huge statement for me right now in my grieving process.  I bought my spot next to Jeff at the cemetery at the same time I bought his.  I remember people telling me that it might not be such a good idea, mainly because I had so much life left to live and one day I might meet someone who I may spend more years with than I spent with Jeff.  I understand that is a potential but time does not negate how important Jeff is in my life.  He will always be a big part of my life because he is in my heart and soul and time could never change that.

Both of those statements from Dorinda and Carole remind me that I am not alone in my grief and guilt.  Carole's husband has been gone for about 15 years and Dorinda's for less but, unfortunately, the widow's club is not something you can leave no matter how much time has passed.

Jeff died in 2013 so things are still a little sharp with me.  Like Dorinda, there are still "firsts" that I need to experience that worry me, but like Dorinda and Carole, I will get though it and move forward.

One of the biggest things I took from what these women shared was when Dorinda said that there was a life before Richard, there was a wonderful life with Richard, and there's a beautiful life to be had without Richard.  That is such a brave statement to make and I need to embrace it and live it myself.

I know I had a great life before Jeff.  I also had a great life with Jeff.  I now have to battle my guilt monster and have a great life without Jeff.

I so appreciate these women for being so brave and being such awesome role models for other widows.  Talking about such a personal experience and journey takes a lot of courage and to do it on national television inspires me.