Monday, December 28, 2015

Two Years Eve

Tomorrow will be two years.

I feel like it's been a bit anticlimactic.  I got through Christmas relatively well. I've kept busy and maintained a strong workout schedule even though I've had a cold for the past two weeks that relapsed hard the day after Christmas.

I'm hoping tomorrow will just roll on by.  Of course I'll recognize the date my husband passed but I'll also still be breathing, moving, and essentially, living.  Might as well make that life happy.

I'm meeting two of my girlfriends for brunch tomorrow and then have plans with another girlfriend for dinner so I have things to do and won't be alone.

Then, on the 30th I will be flying out to Wyoming to spend New Years with Wyoming.  I'm looking forward to it.

I think making plans helps a lot.  I think surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people helps a lot.  I think exercising helps a lot.  I think having something positive to look forward to helps a lot.  I think all kinds of things can be done to help stay up and not let the deep, dark, black hole of grief suck you down.

It doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but I'm hoping that they will only be moments.

Looking back, I'm proud of all that I've accomplished.  I truly believe that Jeff is proud of me too and really, that's all I could ever ask for.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

I Survived!

I survived Christmas relatively unscathed this year.

There was of course the typical Christmas family drama (what's Christmas with 20 adults and multiple children all crammed into the same space without a little yelling and crying?  What do you mean we only have 5 potatoes and not 10 pounds of potatoes?  What do you mean I am the one who has to go find an open grocery store to buy 10 pounds of potatoes even though I wasn't in charge of mashed potatoes this year?) but I didn't let it phase me or stress me out like I would have in past years.

Christmas is ever evolving.  This is the second Christmas without Jeff and Grandma.  It also felt different this year because one of my uncles is in the hospital awaiting a lung transplant, my mom is battling health issues, and one of my cousins is going through a nasty custody battle and also recovering from a heart attack, while another cousin is in jail. 

But, it was still Christmas.  It was still full of food, family, laughter, and love.  Well, at least in between the yelling and crying.

I have come to realize I would rather have yelling and crying and chaos at Christmas because that means there is family, who even if they might not get along all the time, still love each other enough to come together, maybe fight a little, but all sit down and genuinely enjoy each other's company than a quiet, lonely Christmas. 

Hopefully your Christmas was everything you wanted it to be, whether that means it was chaotic, yet full of love, or it was peaceful and routine.

Merry Christmas everybody. 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Amen Sister!

This article by Widow Chick epitomizes how I feel right now.

Today is the last day of the semester at school and two years ago today was when I got the phone call from the doctor telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff in the hospital and it was time to call hospice.  A little over a week later, he was gone.

Last year, I had a hard time (to say the least) when it came to the holidays.  I was almost expecting the grief to hit me hard again (and I may be jinxing myself since there is still a week until Christmas and about two weeks until the anniversary of Jeff's death) but so far I've been doing ok.

I really connect with Widow Chick's article about it getting "easier."  It's true what she says that the word "easier" doesn't really quite fit but it's so hard to explain these feelings.

This quote from her article is totally me:

"I know that, in the beginning, when someone would tell me that it gets easier, I wanted to know the exact date, time, and cause of death of the person's spouse so that I could compare notes with my own situation.

Okay...so her husband died two years before mine...in an accident...so in exactly six months, four days, and three hours things should be getting easier."
 
I used to say over and over "someone please tell me how to do this whole widow thing and then I can handle it, it will be easier.  Please tell me what I will expect tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day for the rest of my life."

But as Widow Chick says:

"Doesn't work like that.

And the truth is, that what "easier" means to someone could be completely different from your definition:  She could mean that she actually took a shower that morning and remembered to put on matching shoes while you're thinking she means that she is now remarried, got a promotion at work, and is training for a marathon.

I can assure you, that this journey is never "easy" for anyone...I don't care how far out you are or what your current life situation is.  Life will never be "simpler, uncomplicated, and effortless."

But I do have to say that this year, so far, the holidays have been "easier" for me.  I don't know if it's because of the passage of time, the new school I moved to last year, the relationships I have gained and lost since Jeff died, the work I've done on myself with my bereavement group, one-on-one therapy, and all the grief literature I've read, Wyoming, or all of the above combined.
What I do know is that I still feel like Jeff helps me through all of this and I continue to thank him for helping me.  I hope he never stops.

If you are having a difficult time this holiday season, hopefully it will get "easier" for you soon.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Allegiant

Spoiler alert!  Tris dies! 

Four has a hard time dealing with her death obviously and he wants to take this serum that will erase his memory.  As I was reading this, I also thought how wonderful it would be to erase the pain I feel.  I mentioned in a previous post how I wanted to fast forward through grief and I realized, just like Four realizes, that we can't do that.

I love that the last couple of lines of the trilogy are:

"Life damages us, every one.  We can't escape damage.  But now, I'm also learning this:  We can be mended.  We mend each other."

How fantastic is that statement? 

But I think the key is that we need to allow ourselves to be mended.  We need to be grateful and thankful for those that we love and care about who are still here, especially during this holiday season.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad

Today is my parents' wedding anniversary.  They have been married for over 40 years.  It's been 42 years to be exact.  They have definitely been awesome role models.

They were able to retire a little over 10 years ago and have been traveling and relaxing and just enjoying themselves, which I'm glad they got the opportunity to do since my mom has been having some health problems these last couple years.

My dad says all the time now that people should retire as soon as financially possible and really enjoy life.  With Jeff leaving so early in life and now with my mom having health problems, I can't agree with him more. 

I think about how Jeff and I would be if we would have made it to 42 years of marriage.

But at least my parents made it.  Happy 42nd Anniversary Mom and Dad!