Thursday, January 19, 2017

Qualities of a Dead Husband

I feel like I have taken on some of Jeff's qualities. Like I was so used to him being around or thinking or acting a certain way that when he left, I wanted those qualities around so I just took them on myself.

There are definitely specific things I say that are totally Jeff.  Some of the ways I behave are completely Jeff and even some of the ways I've learned to think or deal with situations are definitely Jeff.

I used to be very controlling and pretty uptight.  I tried not to sweat the small stuff but I know I did.  I cared a lot about what other people thought and I constantly told Jeff to calm down or to stop embarrassing me in public.

There is an actual video on his Facebook page that a friend posted of him being his typical loud, obnoxious self and you can hear me in the background groaning about his behavior.  This is one of my few regrets.  I regret not just letting him be.  People absolutely loved him for his loud, obnoxious, fun behavior.  It embarrassed me at the time.  But I've realized that it wasn't about me, it was about him.  Why did I try to control that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking on that kind of behavior, but there are just certain things that I've noticed when I say something or do something or think something that is just Jeff.  I catch myself and say "that is totally what Jeff would say/do/think."

It makes me feel good that he continues to live on in me and in others.

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