My First Visit

I went to the cemetery for the first time since we interred Jeff.  He still doesn't have his plaque up on his niche in the new wall in the nature garden. I took our dog to go see him too.  I know I was feeling sad but I was surprised at how hard I cried.  I put my hand on the brick covering the niche where his ashes are.  His niche is at the perfect height where I could just lean up against the wall with my head on my hand.  So that's what I did.  I leaned in and cried and cried.  It was very similar to leaning in for a hug from him.  My head always came right up to his chest and, sometimes, if I stood on my toes I could snuggle into his neck.  So I just leaned there for a while and cried, wishing I could feel his arms around me.  The brick wall was so warm from the sun and it was radiating heat back at me.  I just wanted to touch him so bad.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss snuggling into his chest. I miss the safety of him. All morning I just felt like I couldn't breathe. I kept trying to take nice, slow, deep breaths but I just couldn't get enough air.

The wall where his niche is is so beautiful that his parents and my parents have all decided to purchase a niche in the same wall.  I immediately purchased my niche right after I purchased his.  I wanted to be near him. Some people think I'm too young to purchase a burial plot, especially one right next to him.  I know they are thinking about me meeting someone new and spending the rest of my life with him, which could potentially be longer than the time I got to spend with Jeff, but the way I think about it is, if Jeff hadn't gotten cancer, I would never even be in another relationship.  If he never died, he wouldn't be my FIRST husband, he would be my ONLY husband so of course we would be together for eternity.  So I'm on a payment plan to spend eternity with my husband and that makes me happy and relieves some anxiety.  I know one day I will feel his arms around me and snuggle into his chest again.  But for now, I'll try and snuggle into a warm brick wall and imagine it's my Jeff and not just a wall.

I hate you cancer for making me a widow.