The Double Edged Sword

Life insurance is a double edged sword.  On the one side it will benefit me in the future.  On the other side, the only reason I will benefit in the future is because my husband is dead.  I don't want that money.  I'd rather have my husband. There is not enough money in the world that compares to having my husband back.

People get these weird ideas that this money makes up for losing him and they have all this advice of what I can do with this money.  They have all of these ideas of how I should spend this money or invest this money.  They tell me what they would do if they were in my situation, they also remind me of all the other widows who have it worse than me because not only are they widows, but their husbands didn't have life insurance.

But they also seem to forget that the only reason I have this money is because he's dead.  I didn't win the lottery.  All the wrong numbers were called and I had all of them on my ticket.  I never even bought the ticket, but it ended up in my hands nonetheless.

I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be able to afford their lifestyle on their own salary without their spouse's income. There is no way I'm living large but I have enough to pay my bills and if I budget correctly even have some fun too.  Other people have to deal with grieving and figure out how to support themselves and their children.  I'm lucky he got life insurance because I know logically that this money will allow me the freedom and opportunity to not have to drastically change my lifestyle, but emotionally I do not feel lucky at all.  My life has drastically changed.  It has changed so drastically that no amount of money can make up for such a change.

So now I am about to get a check and all I want to do is give it back in order to have my husband by my side. I never thought I would hate money like I hate this money.  It makes me shudder with disgust anytime anyone even mentions life insurance because it just reminds me over and over again that the only reason I'm getting this money is because my husband is dead.  I will be able to keep my life exactly the same but I'm going to do it without him by my side so it will never really truly be the same.  So I guess I'm lucky according to other people. I know I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but luck is definitely a matter of perception.