I've been cleaning out Jeff's part of the closet and boy has it put me in a funk. I was not planning on taking on such a job this early but I'm taking on a new, much wanted roommate, which has forced me to change my plans. My in-laws need to be able to go back to their own home but everyone knows, including myself, that I cannot live in this house by myself yet.
It's been three weekends now that I've been working on this task of figuring out what to do with his clothes and other personal effects. I hate this task. I don't really like to change my immediate environment very often anyway and the only reason this change is occurring is because my husband is dead. So I'm already cranky about changing and organizing but I'm even more cranky because this is all a reminder that he's really gone. I feel sorry for those around me while I'm completing this task.
I am almost too logical for my own good. The roommate is moving in March 1st, so knowing this and knowing I only have a certain number of weekends to dedicate to this task, I know I have to do it sooner rather than later so the new roommate doesn't feel the wrath of the widow while she is frantically trying to find a place for all of the stuff that has been accumulated over the last five years in the spare room, which, by the way, was never meant to be anything other than the spare room.
Explaining to those close to me about this logic only frustrates me more these last few weeks. I get all kinds of comments.
I've heard, "just put it all in boxes and deal with it later." Now that's not going to work for me since I would have to, what feels like, essentially, put my husband in a box to deal with later. These are his most personal belongings and I wish deep down I could do that but I just can't. I also know that, one day, I will have to go through those boxes eventually and why reopen the wound?
I've also heard, "why are you doing it by yourself, have someone help you." Now that would be just plain mean of me. I know I am not a nice person while I'm in that closet and when I come out it's not good either so I don't want anyone who currently does love and support me, want to never speak to me again because I am just so ugly to them in and out of the closet. No, it's better to just do it alone so as not to risk friendships.
I've also heard, "I can't believe you're doing that so soon." Yeah me either people. I feel like I have no choice. It's a task that eventually needs to be completed and I never thought I would be doing it so soon either but this roommate is coming and I would rather have the roommate right now. Maybe after the roommate moves in and the and newness has worn off, I might change my mind but like I said before, the task needed to be completed at some point, why prolong the pain?
I have made sure to keep all of the meaningful items. Shirts I have specific memories of him in, shorts he always wore and were his favorites, a go-to beanie, his ratty, almost ripped through leather belt he had our entire relationship, and some other things.
The other thing is that his dad is about the same size as him and they wear the same size shoe so everything I'm not keeping I gave to him and he's been slowly going through all of it and is starting to wear some of it. I love that. I love seeing his dad in something I bought for him. I feel like a part of him is still walking around. I could not have done this knowing that the majority of Jeff's clothes were going to a landfill or were being donated to strangers. I'm just not there yet, which is selfish, I know. The stuff his dad decides not to keep he has agreed to donate but for some reason I have a strong organic sensation of disgust and repulsion when I thought I would have to take his belongings to be donated. So I'm happy the majority of it is staying in the family for now. It makes completing this task a whole lot less painful. But painful nonetheless.
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