Monday, May 12, 2014

The Only Way Out is Through

The only way out is through.  Such a true statement.  Such a damning statement.  It essentially means that I have to go through this maze of pain and suffering in order to get out.  But no one knows how long this maze is and how many times I will get lost and backtrack through the same pain and suffering that I've already experienced.  No one knows how many obstacles I will face.  And my biggest fear is will I never really "get out."  I wish I had Ariadne's thread.

Right when I published my last post about how well I thought I was coping, the maze threw me one gnarly obstacle and I definitely backtracked.  Actually, I think I might have been kicked into a completely different maze!

It scared me because it felt like I was literally dying, that I was broken, that I was irreparably damaged.  I felt my heart breaking and I experienced for the first time the lack of wanting to live.  I just wanted to lay wherever I had fallen.  I kept trying to get up but the strength never lasted long because I would eventually sink down again.  I didn't care about the things that needed to be done, I didn't care about where I was or what I needed or what anyone needed at that moment.  And I couldn't stop crying.  I tried all of the little tricks and distractions that had previously helped pull me back up but nothing worked.  I barely got through work, I went to the cemetery to be with Jeff and cried and cried, but I knew this was different than anything I had experienced before.  I just kept sinking back down.  I have had really hard bouts of crying but they usually never lasted more than an hour.  I could always pull myself back up.  I finally realized I was having a panic attack.  I was lost and I needed something to guide me through it, I couldn't do it on my own.

It took me a whole day of pretty much non-stop crying before I realized that this was different than before.  I called a trusted friend as I was crying on the floor and she talked me back up.  She made me see the obstacle in front of me clearly and not be afraid of it anymore; she helped me navigate through it.

Maybe I need more than just one Ariadne's thread.  Maybe the way through the maze will be multiple threads, which I've realized will come in many different forms, that will help me through all of the different obstacles.  And as I use these threads to overcome more and more obstacles, maybe the obstacles in the maze will start to be less challenging and less painful.  Maybe I will learn to not make the same mistakes so I won't have to backtrack as often, especially through the really tough painful obstacles.  I'm afraid to encounter another obstacle similar to this last one, but I need to remember, that I did survive and made it through this particular obstacle, I didn't give up and that survival instinct is one of the threads I need to always remember to follow.  The only way out is through and I am determined to make it through.

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