Monday, December 29, 2014

One Year

A year ago today my husband died.

I find it so interesting that I am such a planner but there have been a couple of times this year where I had an idea of what I wanted to do on a specific anniversary but didn't actually have a set plan.  I wanted to keep this day open mainly because I didn't know how I would feel and what I would need. I didn't know if I would want to stay in bed for most of the day and feel sorry for myself.  I didn't know if I would be in a "carpet diem" kind of mood.  All I knew was that I wanted to get my very first tattoo in memory of Jeff today and that's exactly what I did.  I also got out of bed, went to Pilates, took his favorite food and drinks to the cemetery and shared dinner with him.  As I sat at the cemetery, I thought about a lot of things.

A year ago today, I remember wondering how I would ever survive without Jeff.  I remember being so afraid of living without him.  I remember thinking that I would never be strong enough to live in this house by myself.  I remember feeling so close to my in-laws.

Looking back, I'm proud of myself.  I have survived.  I have figured out how to continue living and have found moments of genuine joy.  I have a new job.  I live alone and it isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I finally feel like I'm returning to the strong and independent person I used to be who went out and bought a house all by herself.  I'm not quite where I need to be but I feel like I am finally on my way.  I still feel him around me.  I see signs that he's still with me.  I relish and wait hungrily for those moments.

It's not all roses and rainbows though.  I absolutely despise taking out the trash cans on trash day and putting them away. That is something I was never responsible for and never thought I would have to do.  It distinctly reminds me that I'm on my own.

I'm still not speaking to my in-laws.  I was inconsistently emailing my brother-in-law and texting
with my father-in-law but have finally admitted that I need more time away from them to continue to heal.  But I miss them terribly.  They are so much like Jeff but are also so special and unique in their own ways.  I feel like holding on to them is holding on to Jeff too tightly.  I want to hold on so badly but know I need to let go to move forward.

I have also finally admitted that my mother-in-law and I will never be close again and there are times when I feel like what I thought was a close relationship all these years was a sham.  I'm not sure if she ever really loved me or if she just used me to stay close to her son.  I feel like she showed one face while he was alive and soon after he died, the real face came out.  But sometimes I feel like we may just both be grieving so hard that we cannot seem to get on the same page, that I inadvertently hurt her and she returns the favor.  That is something that will either figure itself out or not and I'm finally ok with that.

It's crazy how much has changed and also stayed the same in one year.  I have figured out who my real friends and family are.  I am disappointed in a couple of lost relationships and I am learning to let go of those as well.  I am also overwhelmed at how many people truly love and care about me and have stepped forward to embrace and support me.  Those are the relationships that I focus on and continue to nourish and feed.

Jeff and I were lucky that we had the time to truly appreciate and love each other before he left this Earth.  We had the opportunity to tell each other how much we respected and cherished each other. I'm trying to treat all of my relationships like that now.  I have learned to say everything that needs to be said and not hold anything back, especially when it comes to telling people how much I appreciate, love, respect, and cherish them in my life.

I have learned to live each day like it could be my last.  I have learned to take chances and do what I need to do to make myself happy, even if it's risky and scary.  Things don't always work out the way I hoped and sometimes I have had to stop and reevaluate a failure or disappointment.  I don't regret taking the chance though because some risks have worked out specifically when I left a comfortable job to go after my dream job.  Jeff taught me all of these lessons.  Some when he was still with me and others after he was gone.

It has been a rough year to say the least but I am proud of myself for getting through this first year without the love of my life and best friend.  I know he's proud of me too.


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