Sunday, December 7, 2014

Rough Waters Ahead

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well not for me.  I'm having a big old pity party.  I miss Jeff.

Not only is this the month for celebrations but it's also the month Jeff died and the most stressful month for teachers, with final exams and grades due.  I used to love Christmas but I'm dreading it this year.

Jeff was not a big fan of Christmas mainly because he was a UPS driver so right after Thanksgiving he was working 10-12 hour days and he was exhausted. The 10 years we were together, he couldn't or just didn't want to attend all of the holiday festivities, parties, and gatherings because of work.  I never really minded though because I knew he would be home waiting for me.

Well as usual, every Friday, Saturday, and quite a few weeknights this month I'm booked with the usual festivities.  Driving home from this first week of them has been making me more and more sad though.  Going to all the parties feels normal, since he rarely came with me.  But driving home I always looked forward to seeing him and hearing about his day and just being with him, even if he wasn't in the mood to talk.  Just being in his presence made me happy.  Driving home to an empty house this time of year just distinctly reminds me that he is gone. I am sad.

I'm trying hard to think of the positives and all the things I have to be grateful for but it's hard to not be angry that I had something so great at one point and now it's gone at no fault of my own. We weren't perfect but we were truly happy together.

This is what I should focus on, I had my soulmate. We found each other and loved each other fiercely. I know many people my age and older who haven't found their soul mate yet.  But sometimes driving home, I wonder how I could have been so blissfully happy and now I'm so miserably despondent.

I love this passage from one of my favorite widow blogs.  Wendy's blog was the first widow blog I read and she's still my favorite.  I relate so strongly to her.  She is my hero. I go back and reread her blog over and over, especially when I feel like this.

"For whatever reason, yesterday was a tough day. I've been having more good days than bad days recently, and thought I was doing well. I guess I am still doing well, even if there was one day in which that wasn't the case. It's funny how one bad day can loom so large that it overwhelms the good days and makes them all but disappear in my mind. On a bad day, it's as though a big dark cloud rolls in that is so dark, heavy, and large, it's hard to remember that the sun ever shined or to believe that it ever will again. After a bad day like that, I know it will take a while for me to have another truly good day. The storm front takes time to roll through and away, off the horizon. I guess it makes sense -- a tornado doesn't last long, but the aftereffects are devastating and it takes serious time and effort to clean up the debris and rainwater and to restore things to their previous condition, if that is even possible."

So again, I need to remind myself to be patient and kind to myself, especially this time of year.

I also need to remember that I am without Jeff, but I am not alone.  I am not alone in life or my grief. Many others are feeling and have felt exactly like me and we cannot allow ourselves to be lost in the storm.

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