Family Vacations

I just got back from a vacation with my parents, my sister, her husband, and their twin 3 year old girls.  It's hard to go on vacation with my family now.  Before Jeff died, we went on a lot of family vacations, the 6 of us, before the twins were born and Jeff got sick.

I think this vacation was hard for a couple of reasons. 

The most obvious reason was because the last time we were at this specific place on vacation was when we got a call from Jeff's doctor telling us some "nodules" in his lungs showed up on his CAT scan and we should come in as soon as possible.  We drove straight to the hospital.  Turns out those nodules were tumors, which was the beginning of all of the testing, which we all know led to his stage iv lung cancer diagnosis.

The other reason is, we always vacationed the 6 of us, which meant when the day was over, we would all retire to our bedrooms and I know Jeff and I would always discuss the day: the highs and lows, the hilarious and frustrating, just everything.  Now, everybody retires to their bedrooms and I go to a room by myself and have nobody to discuss the day with.  Needless to say, that's hard.  I miss that.

I know my family misses him too, and I try very hard not to compare my grief to others, but, damn, is it hard.  For the most part, I'm doing well, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me and slaps me right in the face.

I did go back to my room at night and secretly call Wyoming and share my day with him though, which made me feel good but also guilty at the same time.  Stupid guilt monster.

Overall, it was a good trip.  Well, at least in the fact that I overcame going back to a place that has so much negative sentimental value...I'm trying to remember that it's not the place that can make me feel sad, it's me.

It was time to make new memories of that specific place.