I charged Jeff's iPhone and just finished spending a few hours reading through text messages between the two of us. We really were hilarious with each other and the love between us was palpable in those texts.
It was so endearing to see the difference between the years before he was diagnosed and then the 14 months after diagnosis. We would still joke with each other the months after diagnosis, but we were sweeter with each other and I could hear the anxiety in my texts, the desperation and the worry in my texts, as he was beginning to feel worse and worse near the end.
Being able to look back at our words to each other as his symptoms were unfolding...it's unexplainable. My inquiries of how he was feeling were met with honest answers from him as the end drew near. We didn't know the end was that close at the time, but reading our exchanges from the years before diagnosis, then the months following his diagnosis, to the weeks before he died...it's very clear he was declining and I remember how petrified and helpless I felt.
I'm glad I kept his phone so I can have those specific, little, inner details of our life before and during cancer. I have something to show how often we cracked each other up, supported one another, how a lot of our time revolved around what we were going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which for those who know us would all agree that we definitely cared a lot about food, but mainly, these texts show the nuances of our love for each other. These texts are concrete evidence of the undeniable bond that we shared.
God, I miss him.
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