But about an hour after I opened the package the vet called me. They told they made a mistake. Even though I paid to have Bogey cremated separately and her ashes returned to me, they cremated her and spread her ashes communally with other dogs somewhere about an hour away.
My Bogey is not coming home to me and I cannot fulfill my promise to Jeff of putting some of Bogey’s ashes with him like he asked me to before he died.
I have been inconsolable these last two days.
I am beyond devastated.
I’ve never asked why me, not when Jeff got sick and died, not when Mom got sick and died, and not when Bogey died. But this, this mistake, this is making me ask those questions. I wanted my dog back home with me and I wanted to fulfill my wish to my dead husband.
I feel so defeated.
I’ve never felt defeated before so this is a new type of grief for me. I’ve been trying to figure out why and I think it’s becasue all my sorrow before has been unavoidable tragedy caused by sickness or nature. Not getting my Bogey back was avoidable and caused by human error that is now irreparable. I didn’t have to feel this pain if somebody had done what they were supposed to do. The pain I feel, and the inability for me to fulfill a promise to my dead husband, is a direct correlation to a person’s incompetence.
This adds to a whole new level of emotions leading up to Christmas and Jeff’s five year anniversary.
What I try to keep telling myself is I did what I was supposed to do. I paid the extra money and requested Bogey’s ashes to be returned to me. I did what I was supposed to do to fulfill Jeff’s wish.
But the reality is, Jeff’s wish and my promise to him will not be fulfilled and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
The perfect urn that will remain empty.
My beloved Bogey will never come home to me.
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