It Is All Right to Move Forward

I've been struggling since my beloved Bogey died.  I started going to therapy again twice a month and have been feeling anxious, especially because I was not there when she died.  I was able to be there when Jeff and my mom both died and I worry that my Bogey felt alone and needed me.

I am also realizing that without a dog in the house, I have so much less responsibility and have more freedom to travel and stay away from the house longer.  I miss my dog so much but I am enjoying the freedom not having a dog provides.  Along with this comes the guilt.  I dreaded the day Bogey would die and I'm having a hard time dealing with the juxtaposition of missing her so very much and enjoying not having the responsibility, which is when the guilt comes.

I am in a pretty good place in my life right now, especially with Wyoming, but for some reason I feel the need to punish myself by allowing guilt and sorrow to dull the happy times.  I understand on an intellectual level what is going on with me, but it is so hard to grapple with the emotions.  I know that a lot of these emotions stem from this specific time of year and the trauma associated with it.  I especially feel guilty around Jeff's anniversary with Wyoming living with me now.

I decided to go back and reread my favorite widow blogger, the blogger who got me through the first two years and who I looked up to for her strength and honesty.  Her husband died suddenly when she was 29 and she is now remarried with two children and hasn't written on her blog since 2016.  Even though she hasn't written in years, I still use her words to help me.

This specific post she wrote has helped me a lot this past week.  Her words remind me that it is all right to move forward, to love another, and to be happy, which is something that I've been struggling with a lot since Wyoming has moved in with me and Bogey died.

I am grateful that there is a community of widows that I may turn to for comfort and advice, even if I've never met them in real life.  That is the beauty of blogging and the widowed community.